Chapter 19
October
“What’s going on?” I couldn’t help the anger that was in my voice, no more than I could help the way that my eyebrows scrunched down or my fists clenched at my side.
Tension radiated throughout my body from the way my shoulders were hunched up near my ears to the way my back was ramrod straight. It wasn’t a scene that should have evoked those emotions, but I couldn’t help but be angry.
Autumn had carelessly kicked me out of her heart and home.
Although I loved her and would do anything to get back into her good graces, I needed us to sort through what happened.
She couldn’t just walk back into my life without helping me understand where her loyalty had gone.
It hurt to know that she had ditched a nigga at the first sign of trouble.
That was the same bullshit my family had been on when things went south with Kevin and TJ.
Only my cousin, father, and sister stood by my side. Everyone else had quit speaking to me.
I knew she would be angry with me, but I had underestimated her reaction. I hadn’t expected her to stop speaking to me and not allow me to see my little shorty. It made me wonder how she would behave whenever trouble arose in the future.
I needed a woman who would ride for me, no matter what. I needed to know that I could rely on her, and that she wouldn’t disappear when the going got tough. I had already been through some bullshit like that, and I didn’t want to walk that journey again.
My heart knew that Autumn wasn’t like Trisha, but my mind wouldn’t let me forget the bullshit that my life had gone through when you paired up with an unfaithful woman.
She had strung up fairy lights and lit tea candles around the patio. I glanced at the food that she was setting out and noticed she had all my favorites.
“Autumn, what’s going on?” I repeated when she failed to answer me.
Her eyes jumped nervously from me to the scene that she had set before jumping back to me again. She twisted her hands as though she were afraid, but of what, I was uncertain. Autumn never had to be afraid of me, and then I thought about the bullshit that Wilson had led her to believe.
I had no idea how many times she had been in conversation with him since she pushed me away. I hoped like hell she wasn’t afraid of me hurting her. There was no telling what other lies he had filled her mind with.
“Listen, I know that Wilson said a lot of shit about me, but I’ll never hurt you, Autumn. So please quit looking like that.”
She dropped her hands and shook her head. “I’m not worried about you hurting me, October. At least not physically anyway.”
“Then what are you worried about?” I was confused as hell.
She pointed down at the blanket. “Can we please sit down and discuss this?”
I lowered to the ground after her and leaned against the wall. With my legs extended in front of me, I crossed them at the ankles and crossed my arms over my chest. “A’ight. I’m listening.”
“I was wrong for not giving you the benefit of the doubt, October. From the moment that TJ popped up again, I had a lot of doubts about you, her, and whatever you two had going on. I was jealous, hurt, and suspicious. So when Wilson came with his story, it was easy for me to run with it. I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop since we became involved. ”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a great man, October. Sometimes, I tell myself that you’re too good to be true. Honestly, that’s not fair to you, but I know that stems from my insecurities and that has nothing to do with you.”
“You’re the least insecure person that I know, Autumn. You’re a confident, bold, and beautiful woman.”
“I wish that were all true. I exude that because it helps me find the strength to look past what others say about me.”
“Why does what other people think about you matter when I’m the only nigga’s opinions you should be concerned with?”
Shrugging, she replied, “It’s been ingrained in me.
Wynter is extremely confident despite people trying to break her down through the years about her size and her darker coloring compared to mine.
She didn’t let the haters break her, but she let them strengthen her.
I, on the other hand, didn’t feel the same.
As much as I tried to listen to my parents and GiGi’s opinions about me, I couldn’t help but look in the mirror and see what others saw.
I took their criticism about my weight to heart, even when I didn’t show it.
“When they said I would be a pretty girl if I just lost a few pounds, I believed them. When I was told that if I did more sit-ups and got my belly and waistline smaller, more guys would like me, I tried that shit. I had just gotten to a place where I loved myself and felt good about myself when I learned that Wilson had a wife. The way she ridiculed me made me feel like that chubby kid and that obese teen all over again. It didn’t help that he denied being with me.
It had me doubting myself because she was petite, curvy without being too big, and—”
“And he still cheated on her ass,” I interjected. “Autumn, if a man cheats on you, it’s because that was his plan all along. If he hides a whole wife and kid from you, he never had plans on leaving them for you.”
“Then what’s your excuse?” she asked, causing my heart to plunge.
“I don’t have a wife or a kid. Well, I didn’t before you and Auburn. But if you care to listen this time, I’ll tell you what I should have told you from the start. It’s what I was coming home to tell you that evening.”
“How convenient,” she declared sarcastically.
“I told you the night before that I had something I needed to share with you.”
“You did.”
“That’s what I was going to share. I met Trish when I was sixteen.
We were involved for a few years, and while I ran the streets, she held me down.
When we were nineteen, I got her pregnant, but we lost the baby when she was six months along.
A couple of months later, we found out that she was pregnant again.
This time, she carried the baby to term, and we were both happy.
We had our baby when I was twenty, and I worked my ass off to take care of her. ”
“With your car shop?”
I shook my head. I knew her ass recalled that I said I didn’t start it until a few years ago.
She was testing me, but I’d let her have it.
“I was in the streets back then, running guns, dope, and running my dad’s chop shop.
I seldom had time at home because I needed to make sure that I could take care of my girl and my kid.
For two years, I took care of them and saved my money to build legitimate businesses before I got locked up. ”
I tore my gaze away from Autumn because I didn’t want any pity. I wanted her to know the truth, but I wanted her respect more than anything.
“I used to leave around nine in the morning and didn’t come back until around two the following morning.
I was a hardcore hustler. I came home one night around eight in the evening.
It was only because some of our corner boys had gotten robbed.
I came home to get my tool, but I didn’t expect to find my big brother, Kevin, banging my girl.
Our baby girl was in her crib crying, and there were pills and powder from my stash lined up on the nightstand where they had been getting high.
I lost my damn mind and pulled out a gun on him.
I beat the shit out of him with the gun and then shoved it down his throat. ”
My voice broke, and it was hard for me to continue with the story. I refused to look into her eyes because I would either see pity or disgust there, and I could not take either one.
“I was gonna kill him, Autumn. I was gonna kill my brother because I knew he dragged her into that shit. Trish tried pulling me off him. She threatened to call the police, but I knew that she wouldn’t do that.
My brother was an addict, and Trisha used to let him keep his drugs in her house.
I never even kept my shit there, but he knew where I kept it.
He stole from me all the time. Even while she was my girl, she pretended she was letting him stash his shit there on the tip that he was my big brother. ”
“Even with your kid in the house?”
I nodded. “Trish jumped on me and began beating me in the back of the head with a skillet. I waved my hands around, trying to get her off me, but then she started choking me. I was bleeding from the back of the head. I passed out. When I woke up, she was holding a gun to my head and telling me that if she had to choose, she would choose him. The only thing that saved me was that my baby started crying loudly, and someone knocked on the door. When she looked away, I kicked her feet out from underneath her. She fell, but she was like an animal refusing to let up. We were close to the fireplace, and she grabbed the poker and came at me again. I dodged it and punched her in the head to knock her out, but that shit didn’t work. ”
“Was she high too?”
I nodded. “I didn’t realize it right away, but eventually I did when I looked into her eyes and saw they were dilated.”
My throat almost closed, but I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. Autumn jumped up and ran into my house. When she returned, she held a water bottle out to me. I unscrewed the cap and drank half of it before I continued talking.
“She came at me repeatedly with that poker. I hit her in the head and her face a couple of times to stop her ass. It was her neighbor who had been at the door. She heard the commotion and called the police. When they arrived, she and my brother told the story that I’d broken in and jumped them.
She let my ass go down for what I had done, when fighting her was in self-defense. ”
“You couldn’t have gotten a good lawyer?”
“I didn’t give a shit. My head was fucked up, Autumn.
I wanted to be so far away from those two.
Besides, I had beaten the shit out of my brother.
So yeah, I eventually got a lawyer, and he got the charges against me for TJ dropped, but not the ones for my brother.
They both testified against me in court, and I went away for two years. ”
“Is the child your daughter or not? And if so, why don’t you take care of her? Why isn’t she in your life?”
My stomach ached, but I knew I needed to put the entire truth on the table.
“I made provisions to take care of her while I was locked away in prison. My sister and dad brought her to see me repeatedly, even though I told them not to do that shit. When I got out, some of the dope boys said that Trish and my brother were still messing around. I didn’t give a shit by then, because I was done with Trish’s ass.
I only cared about my child and making sure that I was in her life and she was good.
“It was Trish’s mother who told me to get the DNA test. She said that my brother had been coming around a lot longer than I knew.
She said she didn’t want to see me get screwed over because she knew I was a good person.
But she begged me not to tell that she was the one who told me.
I got the test and found out that Emperia wasn’t my kid.
She was almost five years old when I learned that shit, and it fucked my head up. ”
“Oh my gosh, October. I’m so sorry,” Autumn whispered, pressing her hand over her mouth.
“I was torn. I was the only daddy this little girl knew, but it was hard as hell to keep up the facade. The more that I paid attention to her, I could see the little things that I had chosen to ignore before. Her facial features are like mine, but she has hazel eyes like my brother, the blonde streaks in her hair like his, and the dimple in her left cheek like his.”
“Is your brother white?”
I shook my head. “Our mother was mixed. Her father was white, and he got those eyes and blonde streaks from our maternal grandfather. That’s why it was easy to ignore at first. My sister and brother are twins and look like my mom and her side of the family. I look just like my dad.”
“So what did you do?”
“I went away for a few weeks to clear my head. I wanted to go back and beat the shit out of them both. It hurt too bad just to let it go. But then my sister, Kember, reminded me that my freedom was too precious, and that I could do more damage and good on this side of the prison walls.”
“Is that the same sister who was pregnant while you were locked up?”
I nodded. “Yeah. She’s my only sister.”
“Why does everyone think that’s your kid?”
“I didn’t blast ’em. Only my father, sister, Reuben, and Sarai know.”
“All because you loved that little girl?”
It touched my heart that Autumn was the first one, aside from Kember, who understood that. She got me in a way that no one else ever had.
“Yeah. I didn’t see a reason to fuck up her future. Kids and adults can be cruel. I didn’t want people talking about her and that shit following her all her life.”
“But what about your reputation?”
I shrugged. “I told you that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me.”
“Yes, but now they’re thinking that she has a father who doesn’t care about her.”
I hadn’t thought about it that way. Autumn always gave me something to think about. She moved from her side of the patio to sit with me, with her back pressed against the wall. I flinched when she reached out and wiped away the tears that I didn’t know I had released.
“My bad,” I mumbled.
“It’s okay for you to hurt and feel your pain.
It’s okay for you to cry. It’s powerful and cleansing, and essential for healing.
” She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and I rested my head against the wall and let the tears flow for a few minutes.
We sat in silence while she let me get that shit out of my system.
It had been locked away for far too long.
I guess Kember had been right: I needed to confront my past so that my future wouldn’t be murky.
“I’m so sorry, October. You deserved the benefit of the doubt, and I bailed on you when you needed me the most. Please forgive me. I love you, and I want us to work this out.”
I turned my head and grabbed her hand in mine. Linking our fingers, I dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Okay. We’ll talk about it, but not tonight. Tonight, I wanna fuck up this food,” I replied, waving my hand at the meal she had fixed.
She laughed and nodded. “Boy, you’d better, especially after I slaved over that grill to get my man back.”
I lifted her onto my lap and held her in my arms. Kissing the top of her head, I thought about the other thing I needed to share with her.
“You never lost me, baby. I’ve always been waiting right here for you to figure out that I belong to you and Auburn.”