10.
LYNN
I couldn’t seem to stop myself from looking over my shoulder at Farrah’s house, and just like before, it made me sad to see that her porch was empty. Before we stopped working because of the rain, I had gotten used to seeing her and her friends sitting there with their morning coffee and imagining what they might be talking about.
But now there was no one on the porch, and even though the ground was mostly dry because the sun had been shining for a few days, it didn’t seem nearly as bright as it should.
Last night after Farrah ran off toward her car, I found a park bench and sat down to think about everything I’d learned about her. Not just during our most recent conversation, but throughout the entire time I’d known her.
Yes, it had only been a few weeks, but I felt like there was something timeless between us. Something that made the rest of the world still around us. I had never felt so excited to talk to a woman or enjoyed one’s company as much as I had with Farrah.
We hadn’t spent that much time together, just a few dance classes and a dinner or two, but I still felt like I knew her better than I’d ever known my ex-wife.
Obviously, I was wrong.
Last night on the park bench and later while I laid in bed unable to sleep, I thought about the different conversations we’d had and searched for any clue that she’d been lying to me. She hadn’t ever lied outright, but she hadn’t been completely truthful. I didn’t blame her for not blurting out her entire history because I hadn’t either.
No, I didn’t tell her that I was going to be raising my grandchildren alone because I’d dated women before that either got distant or wanted to jump in with both feet and move way too quickly for my comfort the second that conversation came up. And, no, I didn’t tell her what my daughter had done because I was ashamed to admit that she’d taken a life and was going to be in prison until her own daughters were well into adulthood.
I kept going back to the moment she evaded the explanation of her son’s connection to Danielle, the woman we met at the diner, and said that it was a long story that she’d have to explain someday. That gave me hope that she did plan to tell me about her past and maybe she felt the same way I did and wanted to keep the real world at bay while we enjoyed the excitement of a new relationship.
As I was daydreaming when I should have been working, Dr. Hamilton appeared around the corner of the office building, and it seemed like she was making a beeline straight to Farrah’s house. There was a man with her, and I recognized him from somewhere but couldn’t place him. I wondered why he was making a house call with Dr. Hamilton.
Suddenly, it was like a puzzle piece clicked into place. I remembered how shocked Emerald had been when I mentioned that Farrah worked out here. I realized now that she was associated with this place, so she obviously knew Farrah and her background.
That’s why she insisted that I keep our budding relationship a secret until after the DCFS case officially closed - because she knew that associating with Farrah could be a stumbling block with that.
I didn’t blame Dr. Hamilton for not telling me. She had confidentiality rules that she had to adhere to. I was actually shocked she’d said as much as she had.
What worried me was how she and the man stood there on the porch of Farrah’s home, knocking again and again, waiting for her to open the door. When she didn’t, the man pulled his phone out to make a call, but then I lost sight of them when I had to focus on the work in front of me, making a sharp turn at the end of the row.
By the time I was able to see Farrah’s house again, Dr. Hamilton and the man were gone. I wasn’t sure if she’d let them in or if they’d given up, and that worried me.
I didn’t want to give up on Farrah, and I didn’t want anyone else to either.
◆◆◆
The cold porcelain on my face felt like a godsend, and I wondered if I had the energy to sit up and take off my clothes so I could feel it on the rest of my body too. Everything hurt, not just my heart, and right now, I wasn’t sure what I hated worse.
I hadn’t felt this way in years, and I didn’t miss it at all.
When someone knocked on my front door, I did my best to ignore the sound, hoping beyond hope that they’d go away. I didn’t need to be in the company of anyone right now, especially someone who thought they might be able to help me.
There was no help for me. None at all. I was going to die right here in the bathtub, all alone.
Finally, the knocking stopped, and I heard my phone buzzing on my nightstand, alerting me that I had an incoming call. I didn’t have the energy to answer it and didn’t care to talk to anyone anyway, so I ignored that too.
The drugs I’d taken a few minutes ago kicked in and sleep took me under. I welcomed the calm feeling as I drifted away without a care in the world.
When someone yelled my name, it jerked me out of what had turned into a decent nap, which I needed after a night spent pacing the floor and then on my knees dry heaving in front of the toilet.
“Farrah! Wake up! Garvey, call 911!” The back of my head hit the tile behind it when someone shook me, and I opened my eyes to find Dr. Hamilton sitting on the edge of my tub with a terrified look on her face. “Thank God! She’s awake.”
“What are you doing? What’s wrong?” I mumbled as I tried to sit up. The pain in my back kept me still, and I winced before I said, “I don’t need the paramedics. I’m fine.”
“She sounds okay,” Garvey said from the doorway.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I forced myself to a sitting position. I ran my hands through my hair and realized it must look like a rat’s nest, but I didn’t care at this point.
“We’ve been trying to get in touch with you for over an hour, Farrah.”
I couldn’t hold back a giggle before I said, “About my car’s extended warranty?”
“I was wrong. She’s obviously high,” Garvey said darkly.
“I heard someone knocking, but I ignored it because I didn’t want to get up.”
“What did you take?” Garvey asked.
“I’m rotating Ibuprofen and Tylenol every three hours.” I looked up and saw that Garvey wasn’t nearly as afraid as Dr. Hamilton. Instead, he looked angry. “You think I relapsed?”
“Did you?”
“No!” I pushed Dr. Hamilton’s hand away from my face and said, “I’m fucking sick. That happens to people who aren’t addicts, too, you know.”
“The ambulance is on its way,” Zoey said from somewhere behind Garvey.
“I don’t need an ambulance. This will go away by itself. It always does.”
“What is wrong with you?” Garvey asked.
Dr. Hamilton reached toward me again, and when I slapped her hand away, she growled and pointed a finger in my face before she rested her other hand on my forehead. “She’s burning up.”
“It’s just another kidney stone. It will pass, but there’s not much I can do until it does.”
“I know this may sound crazy, but you could see a doctor,” Dr. Hamilton said sarcastically.
“Okay. You’re a doctor. Fix me.”
Dr. Hamilton glared at me again and then burst out laughing before she said, “You’re almost as bad of a patient as I am.”
“What’s a doctor going to do? I’ve had this happen before, and I just had to ride out the pain until it went away.”
“That’s prison medical care, Farrah. This is the outside world,” Garvey reminded me.
“If I promise to go to the doctor, will you cancel the fucking ambulance so I’m not in debt up to my ears?”
“I’ll call back and see what I can do.”
“Fine. I’ll go to the doctor. Now will all of you please get the fuck out of the bathroom so I can die in peace?”
“Wow. She really is a cranky sick person,” Garvey muttered.
“Farrah, you’re going to the doctor today,” Dr. Hamilton insisted. When I shook my head, she said, “Either by ambulance or my car. You choose.”
I heard sirens outside, and then Zoey said, “Shit. Too late.”
“Fuck! How much is that going to cost me?”
“You don’t have to go with them unless they say it’s an emergency that can’t wait for an hour until we can get you seen.”
“An hour? If I don’t go with them, I’m going to have to wait in the emergency room for half the day only for them to assume I’m looking for drugs and then send me home anyway, so what’s the point?”
“We’re not going to the emergency room,” Dr. Hamilton insisted. “We’ll get you seen at a family clinic in town. It won’t take all day, and it won’t break the bank.” When I narrowed my eyes in disbelief, she said, “I promise.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
“Incoming!” Zoey shouted right before there was movement in the doorway.
I looked over and saw two paramedics standing there holding a myriad of equipment and let my head fall back against the tiles with a thump. Obviously, these people weren’t going to let me die in peace.
Shit.
◆◆◆
“Well, I got the results of your scan and your blood work. Guess what? You’ve got kidney stones!”
“Really? I had no idea.”
“Your sarcasm is noted,” Dr. Parker said with a bored look. “As you know, there’s not much we can do other than keep the pain at bay. I’ve got a list of instructions for you, a few recommendations for your diet that may help, and two prescriptions.”
“No narcotics,” I said firmly.
“I know. I’ve got some samples to give you that . . .”
“I can’t take samples. I need a prescription for everything that may show up on a drug screen.”
“The samples are really just higher doses of the over-the-counter pain reliever that you’ve been taking, but I’ll give you a prescription for them so you have it for your records. If you still need help with the pain after the samples run out, you can have the prescription filled.” When I nodded, she said, “The first prescription is an antibiotic because you have a kidney infection. The other prescription will hopefully help dissolve the stones that are still in your kidneys, and the diet recommendations will work with it to help that along. I understand this isn’t your first rodeo, but hopefully, with some preventative measures, this may be your last.”
“I didn’t know there was anything you could give me to help.”
“Your doctor didn’t give you anything at all?” Dr. Parker asked.
When I shook my head, she said, “That’s barbaric. I’ve never experienced one myself, but studies show that passing a stone is akin to labor pains.”
I chuckled darkly before I said, “I’ve experienced both, and I agree.”
Dr. Parker handed me a printed page of recommendations for my diet and a list of supplements before she said, “Now, I want to talk to you about why you were going to tough this out by yourself rather than call to make an appointment.”
“I didn’t realize that I had any other options. The one time this happened when I wasn’t in prison, I waited for hours in the emergency room only for a doctor to accuse me of drug seeking, which was completely understandable since it was obvious I was in active addiction at the time, and sent me on my way.”
“You’re not in active addiction. I know this not only because of my time spent with you today, but also because I ran the test you asked for.”
“I hated having Dr. Hamilton and Garvey walk in and automatically assume I’d relapsed.”
“That’s probably something you’re going to have to deal with again, if not forever.”
“I know, but it still kind of hurt.”
“I can see that, but looking at it from a different angle, if you’d communicated that you were ill, they would have been able to see the signs and not have jumped to that conclusion.” When I didn’t respond, Dr. Parker reached out and rested her hand on my arm before she said, “You’re not alone now, Farrah. There are certain battles that you may have to fight by yourself, but you’ve got people in your corner to help you fight things like illness. I’m on your team, and as long as you’re doing what you’re supposed to, I will stay that way. Okay?”
“Thanks, Dr. Parker.”
“Now, I have a request.”
“What can I do for you?”
“The next time you see Emerald, I want you to tell her that my bedside manner is much better than hers.”
“I’ll do that,” I assured her.
“Take care of yourself, Farrah. It’s been a pleasure talking with you today, and I want you to know that you can come to me anytime, okay?”
“Thank you, Dr. Parker. You have no idea how much I appreciate that.”
◆◆◆
LYNN
When the ambulance arrived, it took all I had not to get out of the grader and run across the field to Farrah’s. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who had that reaction because the women I usually saw on her porch gathered nearby, all of them looking worried and a few of them occasionally wiping tears off their cheeks.
What do you think you could do for her anyway, dumbass? You’re certified to drive heavy machinery, not save someone from . . . whatever the fuck was wrong with her.
I had a fleeting thought that I dismissed before it could take hold.
No, I didn’t cause whatever happened to be wrong with Farrah. I had no idea what was going on, but the fact that she had admitted she was in recovery from drugs and alcohol and then ran away crying less than twenty-four hours ago worried me.
No.
I’d participated in enough support meetings, read enough books, and done more hours of counseling than I could count by now. I knew that whatever was going on in that house was not my fault.
When the paramedics left without Farrah, I felt a little bit better, but when I saw the man who had been on the porch earlier supporting her as she walked toward the parking lot, it shook me. Obviously, she wasn’t in the midst of a drug overdose, but had she been drinking?
Not knowing was fucking killing me, so I waited until I got to the end of the row and radioed the foreman to let him know that I was taking a quick break so he could redirect the other machinery around mine. I hopped out of the grader and jogged over to the group of women.
“What’s going on with Farrah?”
“She’s a stubborn ass that won’t ask for help,” the woman who had been with Farrah the first time we met answered. “Did she say anything last night?”
That didn’t really answer my question, but when another woman chimed in, I felt better instantly.
“I’ve heard that kidney stones hurt as much as childbirth.”
“She’s passing a kidney stone?” I asked.
Moe slowly turned her head and then narrowed her eyes at me before she asked, “What did you think was going on?”
“Don’t get testy, Moe,” one of the other women said.
Another woman agreed, “Tell me you didn’t think the same thing for a minute or two.”
Moe’s scowl deepened, and then she explained, “Farrah sent a text to Zoey in the middle of the night saying she wasn’t going to be at work today but then didn’t answer any of our messages or come to the door when we knocked.”
“She didn’t talk to you when she got home last night?” I asked. When Moe just stared at me blankly, I asked, “Can I talk to you for a minute alone?”
Moe stomped toward the field where I’d been working. When we were far enough away from the other women so they couldn’t hear our conversation, she spun around and hissed, “What did you do?”
“Nothing. I swear. We were talking about my family, and I told her that my daughter is going to prison and I’m waiting on DCSF to close my granddaughters’ case so I can officially adopt them.” Moe’s eyes got wide, and I knew the puzzle pieces had clicked for her too. Finally, I said, “I don’t want to lose . . . I don’t even know what this is between me and Farrah because I’ve never felt this way about a woman before, but I can’t let it interfere with the girls’ safety and security. I had no idea about Farrah’s history. As soon as she told me about her son and her time in prison, she said we wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore and walked away.”
“And you let her.”
“I didn’t have a choice. I still don’t. Until I get the judge’s ruling that our case is closed, I can’t move forward with Farrah.”
“When it is final, will you want to?”
“Yes, but I don’t know why! I barely know her. Obviously. I thought she was an alcoholic. I had no idea about her drug history or her time in prison. But I feel like . . . I know her. It makes no fucking sense, but neither does the fact that I’m standing in the middle of a field pouring my heart out to a relative stranger about shit I can’t control.” I pulled my hard hat off and ran my hands through my hair before I laughed bitterly and said, “I don’t know what the fuck it is about her, but I can’t imagine not talking to her again or hearing her laugh. I don’t want to wait until the case is finalized to see her again, but I have to do the right thing for Berk and Brin.”
“Go to the dance lesson like normal.”
“What?”
“Just do it. Give me your number. I’ll keep you updated on Farrah and how she’s doing and make sure she doesn’t miss your dance class.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“I’ll take care of it. There’s a lot riding on this, and I know that none of it is as important as you getting custody of those kids. I don’t know the story and don’t want to, but I do know that Farrah won’t get in the way of you taking them in because of . . . That’s her story to tell.”
“Because she lost her son.”
“Exactly.”
I pulled out my wallet and handed Moe one of my cards before I said, “I’ll be at the class.”
“I’ll be in touch.”