Finally Loved

Chapter 21

N eve collapsed backwards onto Alba’s bed. It had been a weird couple of weeks.

The familiar scent of Alba’s laundry detergent wafted up around her, soothing, welcoming. At this point, it felt like coming home. Her actual home filled her with tension and panic. When she was here, she just got to be herself and be happy. Even the slight, unresolved tension of what was going on between herself and Alba—that they seemed to be resolutely not discussing—didn’t hamper how wonderful it was to be here.

Olive’s words and the activities she’d set Neve to be working on echoed in her head again. Maybe she was allowed to want Alba, even if she didn’t want sex. Maybe she was right to trust her instincts that Alba wasn’t going to hurt or manipulate her like others had.

She shook the thought off and tapped the letter she was holding against her stomach. She shouldn’t have been worrying about Alba when she had bigger fish to fry.

“You okay?” Alba asked, standing at the foot of the bed, leaning her knees into it.

“Yeah, sorry. I know we’re leaving soon. I just need a minute.”

Alba smiled and picked up Neve’s feet, holding them against her stomach. Her orange socks clashed horribly with Alba’s shirt.

“Don’t worry,” she said, leaning into Neve’s feet. “My family isn't strict about arrival times. You can take all the time you need.”

Neve smiled ruefully. “Don’t want to make a bad first impression.”

“I don’t think you possibly could. They’re going to love you.”

Neve hummed. She really wanted them to. She knew she wasn’t supposed to, at least not to the extent that she did, but she couldn’t help herself. She’d never felt more comfortable around anyone than she did around Alba. She’d never ached for someone the way she did Alba. She wanted moments like this to be something she got to have for the rest of time. And Alba was actually reasonably close with her family. It mattered that Neve made a good first impression.

Alba nodded towards the letter. “Do you want to read that before we leave?”

Neve’s face contorted in confusion. “I’m not sure I want to read it at all.”

“I support you doing what you need to.”

Neve smiled before she reached up and yanked Alba down next to her. So naturally Neve wasn’t sure Alba even realized she was doing it, her arm wrapped around Neve’s waist and pulled her closer.

How was it she was getting everything she wanted without knowing if she was actually getting everything she wanted? If she watched any other two people behave the way she and Alba did, she’d swear they were in a relationship.

“What can it possibly say that I’d want to see?” she asked, holding the envelope in the air above them.

Alba shook her head. “I have no idea, but it’s still okay if you just want to know what’s in it. And it’s okay if you don’t.”

Neve thought through everything Alba had told her about the encounter with Charlie and everything she’d discussed with Olive in therapy lately. It wasn’t everyone else’s fault that she’d been having complicated feelings about her own asexuality, but, it turned out, when multiple people dumped you for it and your apparent best friend had been holding it against you for years, it did rather impact your experience of it. Maybe she should have seen what was going on earlier, but she couldn’t go back and change anything. All she could do was accept that she knew now and work on herself. And, in truth, she liked who she’d been lately. She liked the friendships she was making. She liked whatever was happening with Alba, even if she didn’t totally understand it. She liked the way she got to just be herself—asexual and all—without anyone making her feel like she was a hindrance because of it.

In truth, Neve hadn’t even known Charlie had ever tried to hit on her. When Alba had told her about that part of their conversation, Neve hadn’t been able to figure out when she’d supposedly turned Charlie down. If she’d known what was happening, she would have said no anyway, but, as it stood, she’d done it without realizing it. The whole situation had brought her back to Olive’s words—she couldn’t control anyone else’s actions or reactions to their own emotions. It was already impossible to do if you knew what the emotions were, if you didn’t have a clue, what chance did you have?

The whole thing had actually been helpful. She’d been blaming herself so much, but now she knew. Charlie had her own narrative around their past, their relationship, and what she thought she was doing. No part of that narrative included who Neve actually was. She didn’t need to leave herself in a story like that.

She focused on the letter again. Maybe she would read it, but later. At some point when she had more distance from the situation, when she felt ready to read whatever was in it without feeling the slightest bit of guilt over not being the version of herself that Charlie had invented. It seemed to Neve that she had a few more pressing things in her life that she wanted to figure out before she was ready for that.

Without sitting up, she launched the envelope in the direction of her weekend bag. “I’ll read it when I’m ready, whenever that is.”

“Sounds good,” Alba said, squeezing her a little tighter.

Neve had discussed at length with Olive whether or not right now was even the time for her to be having feelings for someone, and, when Olive had pointed out that feelings tended to work on their own schedule, she’d debated whether now was the time to bring them up. But, if not now, when? There was never going to be a tidy little moment when everything made sense and the universe told her now was the time to have a conversation with Alba about what was going on between them. Life was happening, so were feelings, apparently, and that wasn’t going to change.

Though, maybe she’d wait just a little bit longer, so they could talk about it in the car on the way to Alba’s family beach house. Having something else to watch would at least save her some embarrassment.

“Shall we go?” she asked, patting Alba’s thigh like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Touching someone in a fairly intimate place and it being okay, it being thrilling and wonderful and not too much was everything to Neve.

Alba smiled and clambered up off the bed. “Yeah, if you’re ready for my family?”

Neve laughed as Alba helped her up and she collided with Alba’s chest. “Ready as I’ll ever be. You did say they don’t bite, right?”

“Eh. Most of them don’t, but we’ll keep you away from the ones that do.”

They gathered the last of their things and headed towards the door, Neve jumping when the buzzer rang right as she reached it.

Alba hit the intercom button. “What’s up?”

“Uh, hi. I’m here to see Zainab? Did I get the wrong apartment?” asked an unfamiliar voice.

Alba broke into a massive, accusatory grin. “Nah. You got the right place. Come on up.”

Neve eyed her questioningly, but Alba just raised her eyebrows and called, “Zainab, you have a visitor,” in a sing-song voice.

Neve stifled a laugh as she heard Zainab curse in the other room, suddenly catching on to what was happening.

Zainab joined them at the door right before someone knocked and Alba yanked the door open with impressive force and flourish.

Neve leaned around it to see possibly the loudest, gayest button-up shirt she’d ever seen. Without a doubt, she knew this had to be Kai. Zainab had been coy talking about them over the last few days, but it was clear their date had gone well. And now, they were here.

“Ah,” they said, grinning widely, “I didn’t realize we were having company.”

“Hey, we live here,” Alba said, including Neve in a way that made Neve’s body feel as though it were made of static electricity.

Zainab sighed. “Yes, they’re also late and slower moving than I was expecting.

Neve winced. “Sorry, my fault.”

“Oh, don’t apologize,” Alba said gleefully. “This way, we get to meet Kai. And what a pleasure it is.”

“Don’t you two have somewhere to be?” Zainab asked pointedly.

“Hm. Probably, but we wouldn’t want to be rude.”

“It would be far ruder for you to stay. And far more likely to result in your death.”

Alba laughed, but Neve put a hand on her back. “We should be going. Kai, nice to meet you. Zainab, have fun.”

Zainab groaned. “You’re just as bad as Alba. How are there multiple of you?”

“Watch it,” Alba warned, mostly jokingly.

“I will happily watch you two drive away. Thank you very much.”

Alba laughed but did lead Neve out of the door, taking her hand like she’d been doing it forever.

Neve’s heart skipped a beat. She wasn’t sure how much Zainab had talked about her and Alba, but, if very little, Kai’s current understanding of the situation must have been that Alba and Neve were a couple and that they lived together. An impression Alba had cemented by taking her hand. She’d never realized how much she needed someone to be proud to be with her, to just let people think they were together without worrying about it. It wasn’t like she’d always been a dirty little secret, but, coming off whatever her situation had been with Roxanne, she couldn’t deny how wonderful it felt.

She wasn’t ignorant to the fact that it mattered that it was Alba, too. There was a unique thrill about people thinking it was Alba she was with, that she, somehow, got to be the luckiest person in the world, the one who Alba chose to love.

Neve had never understood the concept of swooning before, but she got it now.

They made it to the car before Alba let go of her hand, neither of them acknowledging it as they stood close together in the lift, giggling and speculating about Zainab’s attempts to have Kai over at the first possible opportunity, no matter how stubborn she was still being about what was going on between them.

Neve could feel the nervous fluttering in her stomach. She had to have the conversation. If it went badly, she’d be devastated, and the timing couldn’t have been worse, but she couldn’t not have it. For possibly the first time in her life, she knew who she was and she knew what she wanted. She owed it to herself, and to all the mistakes her past self had made, to at least have the conversation. Even if it went badly.

She threw her bag into the trunk, the letter from Charlie now tucked inside it but feeling like a distant memory. Once upon a time, she’d have desperately needed an explanation, an apology, an attempt at understanding. Now, it just didn’t feel all that important. She’d want to know at some point, but it wasn’t the desperate beacon calling to her. Fascinating what a little space and support could do for you.

They’d barely been on the road ten minutes before the conversation erupted from inside of her. It was as though Neve had been carrying it with her through every relationship she’d ever had, through every day of her life, and, now that she’d finally found someone she wanted to ask, felt safe enough to ask, it was just bursting out of her.

“So, I’ve been talking to Olive about asexuality,” she said, realizing as the words came out where her mind had chosen to start.

“Oh, yeah?” Alba asked, shooting her a quick grin.

Neve couldn’t decide whether the sunglasses she was wearing were helpful or not. On the plus side, Alba wasn’t looking unfiltered at her, but, on the negative side, if they looked directly at each other, all Neve could see was her own, slightly distorted reflection.

She nodded. “Yeah. You know, with everything, I’ve been struggling with it.”

Alba frowned, watching the road. “How do you mean?”

“Well, when multiple people break up with you for the same reason, it really starts to get into your head that you’re the problem, that you’ll never find love, you know?”

“Should I pull over?”

Neve laughed. “No, no. This is good. I promise I’m good. I’m just explaining how I’ve been feeling.”

Alba nodded. “I don’t know that it helps, but I don’t think you were the problem in any of those situations.”

“I appreciate it. I just think, with, you know, having those same words thrown in my face, and then with Charlie pulling something similar, I was just feeling really broken.”

Alba reached a hand over to Neve’s knee, the other keeping a grip on the steering wheel. “It was shitty of them both.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“No maybe about it. You deserved better.”

Neve leaned her head against the seat, giving Alba a fond look, grateful that Alba couldn’t look directly at her for more than a quick glimpse. “That was kind of what the conversation was about.”

“Oh, yeah? What did Olive have to say?”

“Oh, um.” Neve laughed awkwardly. “Just a lot of stuff about how we can’t control other people and we shouldn’t assume we know what they do and do not want. I mean, if we really think about it, that’s a pretty relevant theme recently. I shouldn’t have been doing it either.”

Alba furrowed her eyebrows. “What have you been assuming people want?”

“Um. Someone not like me. Someone who isn’t ace. Sex, I guess.”

“That’s not the same thing as what Charlie was doing to you.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“Definitely not. It’s understandable that, after being hurt repeatedly, and for the same reason, you’d start to think that was all there was.”

“Yeah, but still, it is unfair. Olive told me, and Robin told me too, actually, that there are plenty of people who would, you know, willingly…” She cleared her throat. This was harder than she’d been expecting. “Well, you know.”

Alba laughed. “I’m excited to finally meet Robin. She sounds smart.”

Neve smiled at the side of her head. “I think you’ll like her.” She hesitated. “But, so, you agree?”

Alba looked at her as she stopped at a light, a split second longer than before, not long enough to be dangerous. “Do I agree with Robin that allo people can willingly forgo certain types of sex to be with someone who doesn’t want it? I’m assuming Robin is allo?”

“Yeah, she is. And, uh, yeah. That is the question. I guess.”

Alba smiled slightly at Neve’s awkwardness as the light changed and she started driving again. “Yes. I agree.”

“Do you?” Neve’s chest was pounding. She’d wanted that answer so badly. She knew it wasn’t that simple, people had acted like it would be fine before, but she’d never had the conversation with them quite like this. Nor had they had the buildup she and Alba seemed to have been having.

Alba’s hands clenched the steering wheel a little tighter than usual. “Yes, of course. I mean, if you, you know, love someone, there’s more to it than just that.”

“Right. But it’s okay if that’s an important part.”

“I think it’s more important that both partners are safe and comfortable.”

“Yeah, no, I know that. I’m not saying—I just meant, it’s okay for people to not be in a relationship if the level of sex doesn’t match what they need.”

Alba thought for a moment. “Yeah, that is fair. But I don’t think someone being allo means they can’t be with, say, someone who is asexual.”

Neve’s insides twisted at her tone. “Do you not?”

“No. What did Robin have to say about it?”

“Oh.” Neve giggled and shifted. “Um, that if her girlfriend never wanted to do it again, she wouldn’t care. That she’d miss the rest of their relationship far more than she’d miss the sex.”

“Right.” Alba shrugged. “That’s not going to work for everyone, sure. I know plenty of people who’ve broken up because of sexual incompatibility, that’s totally fine, but it doesn’t mean… It’s not like…” She sighed heavily. “Look, I’m sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but I think I get what we’re getting at, so… I’m going to pull over.”

Neve’s heart sped in her chest, her head feeling as though she’d been spinning around. The feeling didn’t let up as Alba drove, waiting for a place to pull over. Finally, there was an unpaved parking lot that marked the start of a walking trail.

She pulled in, killed the engine, took off her sunglasses, thought better about the heat and turned the car back on, and turned to Neve.

“Sorry,” Neve said quietly, a lump thick in her throat.

“Don’t be.” Alba took a deep breath. “Look, I like sex. It can be enjoyable. I would say most of my… relationships—loose use of the word—have been based on sexual attraction. But I don’t need it to be a two-person activity. I don’t want my relationships to be only based on that. I am perfectly happy taking care of myself if the rest of the relationship is giving me everything I’m looking for.”

“Don’t you think you’d miss it, though? It would be something you’d be giving up. Forever,” Neve asked quietly, nervously.

“No.” Alba’s voice was clear, certain. “How do you feel about masturbation? Like, talking about it.”

Neve blushed but held her ground. “Totally fine.”

“Great.” Alba grinned. “I own plenty of toys that do an absolutely wonderful job getting me off. I am perfectly satisfied.”

Neve’s face felt burning hot, but she appreciated the honesty. “I’m glad to know that.”

Alba laughed. “What I’m saying is that I am perfectly capable of meeting my own sexual needs, I don’t need someo—” She sighed and took Neve’s hands. “I don’t need you to do that for me.”

“But, what if, down the line… I’ve had this kind of conversation before. People think it’s going to be okay, and it’s not their fault, but it just doesn’t…”

“I’ve given it a lot of thought.”

“Have you?” Neve stared at her in disbelief.

She breathed a laugh. “Haven’t you?”

“Well, yes. But I’m the one who’s—”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t whatever the disparaging end of that sentence was.”

“Sorry.”

Alba shook her head. “You don’t have to be sorry, but you don’t have to disparage yourself either. You’re not missing anything. I’m not missing anything.”

“Not yet, maybe.”

“Not ever.” She held Neve’s hands tighter. “I know that’s going to be almost impossible to believe, but, let’s be honest, you and I have been kind of doing this thing for a minute now. Everyone I know thinks we’re already together. I want to be already together. Half of the time it feels like we already are, and those are the best moments of my life. I don’t care that you don’t want to have sex—well, I care, but in the way that I want you to feel safe and secure and to be able to trust that I’m not going to try forcing you into it, that I’m not thinking you owe it to me, that I’m not waiting around for you to change your mind. I’ve had plenty of people look at me like they want to sleep with me. I’ve had people look at me like they want to date me. But I’ve never had anyone look at me the way you do. Or, maybe they have, but it hasn’t felt the same. I didn’t want them to look at me the way you do. I didn’t feel the same.”

“What if that goes away though, and all you’re left with is me and no sex?”

“As long as I am left with you, I don’t care about anything else. I can’t even begin to explain to you how being with you feels. It’s like I spent my entire life waiting for something, thinking it was going to be the best thing ever, only to discover that I couldn’t even imagine the best thing ever because I hadn’t met you. You are exquisite, Neve. The way you laugh, the way you speak, the way your mind works, the way you touch me, the way you look at me, the way you’re my best friend… All of you is so much more than I ever had the capacity to even imagine. I love that you’re asexual. It’s a part of you and it’s beautiful. It’s opened up all of these other ways of connecting and loving and understanding someone, and all of that is enough. It’s more than enough. It’s more than I ever thought I’d be lucky enough to have. The idea of being with you, all of you, doesn’t feel like giving up anything at all. It feels like everything.”

“But, what if, like, we’re kissing and it’s too much?” Neve felt like she was floating from Alba’s words. Even in previous conversations about whether people could imagine a relationship without sex, they’d all agreed to try, but none of them had just loved that part of her. It had been a concession they tried, never a part they wanted to embrace. Nobody had ever described it as beautiful before. But, still, the incessant press at the sides of her brain from all of the times someone had pushed her in those moments, had blamed her, refused to go away.

Alba smiled softly, reaching one hand up to caress Neve’s face. “How much is too much?”

“What if you can’t hold yourself back? What if you need it?”

Alba’s smile fell from her face. “Neve, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Honestly, yes, I am sexually attracted to you. I am attracted to you in every way it’s possible for me to be attracted to someone. Being with you and around you is going to turn me on sometimes. However, I am in control of my actions. I can get off thinking about you. I can step out of the room if that makes you more comfortable. I can do whatever you need. I cannot force you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Not because I think that’s your responsibility or that you want it or whatever, but because I would not want to. Every bone in my body is repulsed by the idea. It doesn’t matter how badly turned on I am, I know who I am, I know who you are, and I know the bounds of our relationship. Anyone who has pushed those boundaries, anyone who has made you feel like it’s your fault, is the problem. Anyone can say no at any time. It is everyone’s personal responsibility to control themselves in the face of that.”

Tears streamed down Neve’s face. Nobody had ever loved her like that. Sure, people could stop themselves, and allo people often did, but, in Neve’s experience, the situation was still her fault, she’d still felt their blame, their anger, their disappointment, and their expectations. She’d never had someone so clearly understand that the boundary wasn’t ever going away, that she couldn’t take it down. But here was Alba, telling her she understood it.

She finally wondered whether she might have chosen to date some shitty partners. Everything felt like she’d been waiting forever for Alba, but maybe there had been a path to Alba that wasn’t littered with such terrible partners. Alba, Robin, Olive… all of them were telling her better was out there, Neve had just missed it. But she wasn’t missing it now.

She scrubbed at one side of her face as Alba carefully wiped the other side with her thumb. She didn’t know how to speak, didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think she’d ever known love before Alba, not really, not now that she was letting it in and Alba was saying all of these things.

“Are you sure?” she finally managed to whimper.

Alba smiled, holding Neve’s face with both hands like she was the most precious thing in the world. “I’m sure.”

“It’s okay if you later change your mind and you need sex and need to break up.”

Alba nodded. “I appreciate that, but I really don’t see that being a thing. I just want you, Davenport. You, for the rest of time.”

Neve laughed. “That’s the first time you’ve used my last name like that.”

“Yeah, but it made you laugh, so it worked.” She smiled. “Seriously, Neve, just you and me and everything we’ve already been becoming lately for the rest of time.”

Neve nodded. “You’re really sure?”

“I am. You know, if you’ll have me?”

“Yes, please.” She bit her lip. “And, um, you know, you don’t have to leave the room to take care of yourself.”

“I don’t want to do anything that makes you the least bit uncomfortable.”

Neve shook her head. “I’m not uncomfortable about you being turned on or needing to get off. I just—”

“Don’t want to be involved.”

“Not more than potentially being in the room. But you don’t have to stay if it makes you feel weird.”

“Noted.”

Neve watched her for a minute before she smiled. “It’s okay if that turns you on too.”

Alba grinned. “Am I that transparent?”

“Maybe I just know you.”

Alba’s smile became softer and she leaned towards Neve. “I’m glad you do.”

“Me too.”

Her eyes darted from Neve’s eyes to her lips. “Say, how do you feel about kissing?”

Neve felt herself blushing again. “Um. Big fan.”

“I thought as much.”

Neve made a very undignified noise. “What? How?”

Alba grinned. “Because, sometimes, you stare at my lips like you want to devour me.”

Neve groaned. “Oh, that’s embarrassing.”

“I think it’s fantastic.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“Hey, I just basically told you I get off thinking about you, you think I haven’t been desperately thinking about kissing you too?”

Neve paused, looking back up at Alba. She had noticed the signs, but part of her hadn’t really been letting her acknowledge how much she wanted to know that, how much she wanted it to be real. To just have Alba admitting it out loud felt like the most wonderful gift in the world.

She wasn’t really sure why she was surprised. They’d frequently been so close together they’d almost kissed. She knew she’d seen Alba looking at her lips. She’d just been so worried, that it felt easier to pretend it couldn’t truly be real. But here they were.

“Wow,” she whispered, and Alba smiled blissfully at her.

“Neve?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes, please.”

Without waiting for Alba to come to her, Neve leaned forward, closing the tiny gap between them.

Alba’s lips were soft and warm. Even with the warm weather, they felt ridiculously hot.

She moved her lips against Neve’s, one hand moving up into her hair as she deepened the kiss. It was the best kiss Neve had ever experienced. Soft and gentle and yielding, full of promises and love, and even lust—Neve could feel all of the ways Alba wanted her, but none of it felt wrong, none of it felt uncomfortable. She trusted Alba. She trusted the promises Alba had just made. There was nothing to be afraid of in feeling all the ways Alba wanted her because Neve wanted most of them too, and the one she didn’t wasn’t going to hurt her. Alba wasn’t going to hurt her.

And there it was, that spark that had been crushed inside of her glowing again, that idea that maybe she did love being asexual. If she hadn’t been, she wouldn’t have been so acutely aware of all the different ways she could want a person, or all the different ways a person could want her. She wouldn’t have had that conversation with Alba. She wouldn’t have been on the journey that brought her here. And there was definitely something so beautiful about kissing Alba and feeling every one of the ways they wanted each other.

Neve heard herself hum contentedly into the kiss and her body locked down automatically. Part of her might be getting used to its new reality but her body and her brain were still struggling to keep up. The bad memories, the fears, they would only go away with time.

Alba pulled back immediately, yanking her hands away from Neve. “Are you okay?” she asked softly, no hint of anger or annoyance.

Neve nodded, tears welling in her eyes again. “Yeah, sorry.” She guided Alba’s hands back to her. “Just… bad memories.”

“Of what?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me,” Alba said, seriously, her warm hands caressing Neve’s face again. “I want to know what it is so I can help.”

Neve gulped. “It was just… I made a noise.”

“It was a great noise,” Alba said immediately, right before she understood what Neve was getting at. “Oh. Jesus. People suck sometimes.”

“It’s not—”

“It is their fault.” She leaned in closer again, watching carefully for any sign that Neve was uncomfortable. “You can make noises. Whatever noises you want. I promise you’re safe.”

Neve felt so happy that she could cry. She also felt so overwhelmed that she could. She’d spent so long believing this wasn’t possible for herself.

She pressed another kiss to Alba’s lips, reveling in the taste and the pressure of them, of the way Alba touched her, of how clear all of her emotions were in the way she kissed. There was nothing to worry about when Alba was being so open and wonderful with her. She finally was safe.

She breathed a laugh, breaking the kiss, but pressing their foreheads together, their noses brushing. “Sorry about the detour.”

“Best detour ever,” Alba whispered with a giggle.

“Do you suppose we should be getting back on the road?”

Alba pulled away with a groan. “I suppose. We do have a party to get to, after all.”

“Indeed.”

She turned back to the steering wheel before she paused, her hand hovering over the gearstick. “Wait! Does that mean I actually get to introduce you as my girlfriend?”

Neve blushed furiously. “If you want.”

“Is it what you want?”

Neve nodded shyly.

Alba smiled, pecked another quick kiss to her lips, and put the car in drive. “Best news ever. I mean, everyone would have assumed we were together anyway, but now I get to be insufferably proud by announcing it.”

Neve buried her face in her hands. “I really hope they like me.”

“They’re going to love you.” She glanced over, took Neve’s hand, and brought it to her lips to kiss. “What’s not to love?”