Chapter 11
I feel bad for leaving the way I did, but seeing the way she looked at me and hearing her say she wanted to give me more, suddenly made me feel like a fraud. Sleeping beside her last night felt like torture, all I wanted to do was touch her again. To wrap her up in my arms and be that comfort she needs. I was just scared of pushing her too far.
Turns out, the second I switched off my body it let me down and did it anyway.
Waking up beside her this morning felt like the kinda thing I wanna do for the rest of my life. But I have to remember that this girl only sees the man who steps through the door at night. She doesn’t know about the souls I got on my conscience or the secrets I keep that could set Hell ablaze.
I’ve seen some of the shit the Carson women have been through because of who they are and what their men do. The cost of loving a branded man is a tough one to pay, and Everleigh has been through far too much to survive that.
I should be helping her heal so she can move on and find herself some happiness outta this life, instead, I find myself fantasizing about being that happiness. I want to be the dream inside her nightmare and the hope for her future, and that’s real selfish of me.
I saddle up JD and tether up the horse, Wade’s been training, beside us before I head out the gate. She seems a lot better than the last time I took her out, and JD is a great horse to learn from. Though I’m sure I don’t need to tell Wade that she’s gonna be a lost cause when it comes to driving cattle. She’s far too skittish.
I ride a few miles, trying to get Everleigh outta my head, and all I feel is guilt for the way I left this morning. She looked so happy when I woke up, she wasn’t scared by the fact I was holding her. In fact, she made sure I didn’t pull away. I ruined it all by getting weird on her.
Everleigh doesn’t need me acting like a love-sick teenager around her. She needs a man. One who ain’t scared to feel, and ain’t scared to show her those feelings. It’s gonna take time for her to adjust to this life, and she’s got a long way to go before she heals. I wanna be there for her every step of it. I’ve never felt about a female this strongly and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and right and wrong. My conscience tells me that letting her go would be the kind and decent thing to do, but I’ve never been good at listening to that.
I change my direction and head toward the cabin, knowing I need to apologize to her. She’s gonna be alone and overthinking. I hate the idea of her thinking she did something wrong. I’ve spent the past few years dishing out advice to the boys, tellin’ ‘em they gotta tell their girls how they feel, and I think it’s high time I take my own advice. I should let her know I'm scared, let her know that I want the more that she’s offering but I'm too damn afraid to take it.
I have to check twice when the cabin comes into view and I see Everleigh sitting out on the porch. She hardly ever leaves the cabin, which concerns me, so to see her out in the fresh air comes as a welcomed surprise.
She’s reading a book and quickly places it down when she notices me riding toward her.
“Hey.” She stands up looking a little flustered, and I wonder if it’s because of how I left her earlier. I don’t want her to start feeling uncomfortable around me like she did when she first got here.
“I need to talk to you.” I tether the horses to the porch rail and step in front of her.
“She’s beautiful.” Everleigh’s attention moves past me and to the horse. She reaches out her hand to touch her and I’m about to warn that she gets freaked out easily, but I stop when I notice how the horse bows her head to invite Everleigh’s touch.
“I’ve never seen one in real life.” She makes the most beautiful giggle as the mare lifts her head and demands more of her attention.
“She’s beautiful, alright.” I stare at the girl and realize that everything I’ve just convinced myself of is wrong. I can’t keep this girl here, trapped with an old man like me. Not when there’s a whole world of beautiful out there for her to see.
“What did you want to talk about?” Everleigh turns to look at me with that pretty smile still on her face.
“I… I can’t remember.” I smile back sadly as I watch her focus back on the horse, stroking her nose over the railings and looking so perfect that my heart feels as if it’s bleeding.
“How much d’ya want for the horse?” I ask Wade when I get back to the yard.
“What? That useless thing?” He stares back at me as if I’ve gone crazy.
“Yeah, ya heard right. How much?” I ask again.
“Mitch, she ain’t good for nothin’. Unless you’ve worked some of that old cowboy magic with her.”
“No, she’s still scared of her own shadow, but I want her.”
“Have you been day drinkin’?” He laughs at me.
“No, I just want the damn horse. Now, are ya givin’ me an interview or making a deal?”
“You really want that fuckin’ horse, don’t ya?” He shakes his head and laughs.
“Yeah, I want it. Now, what's your price?”
“You can have her for what Cole paid.” He still looks confused.
“Done.” I take both horses into the stable and make sure they have water, then call over Hunter when I notice him mucking out the stable where Garrett keeps Thunder.
“How ya likin’ it here?” I ask, watching him take the initiative and loosen my saddle so he can hang it on the wall.
“Well, aside from the flying heads, I’m likin’ it. Tate taught me how to rope a calf, he said I’ve got natural talent. Just need practice. Hell, I’m even thinking about gettin’ one of these bad boys for myself.” He smacks the mare on her ass and almost jumps out his skin when she neighs back at him. “Just got to work on some funds.” He looks a little spooked as he strokes her back to calm down, but he smiles at me all the same.
“No, ya don’t. That horse ya rode out the other day? He’s yours.” I look over to Blaze who’s over in the stall in the far corner.
“What? I can’t accept that. It’s a horse…” Hunter looks at me like I’m crazy.
“You can, and you will. I don’t know if ya figured it yet, but ya can’t be a cowboy without a ride.”
“Is he yours too?” he asks.
“He belonged to my nephew.” I swallow the lump in my throat and it tastes fuckin’ rotten. “He’s a good horse, too good to be used as a spare.” I fight back the tears that are threatening to come.
“I’ve heard about Dalton, I’m sorry.” Hunter hangs his head outta respect.
“Don’t be sorry, just accept the horse and take good care of him.” I don’t wanna be making no song and dance about it. I can tell Hunter’s a good kid, he reminds me a little of Dalton, and having him around is proving to be handy.
“While you're at it, I need ya to take care of her too. Between us I want her ridden every day. She’ll be a challenge, but you persevere with her.” I go to stroke her nose like Everleigh did but she pulls away from me.
“Wade sell her?” Hunter looks surprised again.
“Yeah, he sold her. To me, and I need her to be reliable. I want her saddled up and ready by 5:30 every mornin’ and if I ain’t here, you jump on her and do the best ya can.”
“I didn’t know you trained horses.” Hunter folds his arms over his chest.
“It’s been a while, but you never lose your touch. Remember what I said. 5:30.” I point at him before I leave.
When I get back to the cabin, Everleigh is sitting in my chair reading again and she greets me with that smile that I’m trying to convince myself doesn’t belong to me. The last few days she’s let her guard slip right down and I can’t allow that to make me lose focus.
“I spoke to Skid earlier, he’s gonna up your therapy sessions,” I tell her, trying not to look at her. I need us to go back to having boundaries or letting her go will be too hard.
“What? That's crazy. I don’t need more sessions. I’m getting better. I can feel it. I’ve even been writing in my journal. Don’t you think what’s happened between us is progre?—”
“It’s progress that's leadin’ in the wrong direction,” I snap at her, hearing the spite in my voice and hating how it sounds.
“I said I’d be here for you and I will be, but wakin’ up the way we did this mornin’…” The volume in my voice tapers to a weak whisper. “It ain’t right.”
“It felt right,” she hits back, and when I raise my eyes to take a glance at her, seeing how hurt she looks makes me wanna throw my fist at the wall.
“Yeah, well, just because somethin’ feels right at the time, doesn’t make it okay. It ain’t proper for a man of my age to be lyin’ in a bed with a girl of yours.”
“Mitch, I’m…” She has to do some thinking on it. “I’m twenty-two years old. I’m not a child.”
“I never said you were, but if people knew we were sharin’ a bed, there would be talk of us?—”
“Liking each other.” She shocks me with how brash she’s being. There's sarcasm in the smile that seems to have overridden her panic. “I do like you, Mitch. I like the way I feel when I’m around you and I like the way it felt when I woke up this morning,” she admits, pulling back her shoulders and standing strong.
“This isn’t up for negotiation, Everleigh. The sleepin’ in the same bed thing has to stop.” I put my foot down and storm out the door when I see her confidence shrink and her bottom lip start to wobble.
I have an outhouse to fix up into a stable.