Chapter 10
Katie
So, we did pick it up again. We had a long conversation about what Richard wanted as far as my, well, our son was concerned, and it turned out I was completely wrong. He wanted to get to know him. He wanted to be a father to him. And so…well, I let him.
At first, I thought I could keep the truth from Connor for a bit, at least until he got to know Richard a little.
And also, well…truth be told, I wasn’t sure Richard would last for long.
I mean, can you even blame me? All I remembered was that man-boy who couldn’t even commit to a relationship, and we’re talking about a whole kid here.
And Connor’s a kid, through and through.
He’s not a baby who’s just going to stay in your arms and smile.
He’s a very hyperactive kid who loves to be on the move, and he loves asking questions more than he even loves playing.
I really thought Richard was bluffing about wanting to stay in his life, so I insisted on not telling Connor who he was for at least a week or two.
Richard agreed, albeit with a healthy dose of reluctance. But then, the third time in a row Richard showed up to our house, Connor started asking the questions I dreaded answering.
“Who’s he mom?”, “Why does he want to play with me?”, “Is he my dad?”
And I had no choice but to tell him the truth. I expected tantrums, I expected a lot of crying. But what I didn’t expect was complete acceptance, and a hug that lasted a full minute.
“Hi dad”, he said to Richard with all the innocence only a small kid could have, and I saw Richard’s eyes immediately fill with tears.
That’s when I knew he was telling the truth. That’s when I knew he was here to stay. And so…I let him. I let him take Connor to the playground, I let him crash our dinners, and sometimes even breakfasts, I even let him take Connor to school sometimes.
And he’s really good at this. Sometimes, I can’t even believe that the Richard of today is the same person I dated 5 years ago. I mean, I know people change, but this is quite a transformation, if I’m honest.
He’s a great dad to Connor, and my boy loves being the center of attention of yet another adult. So, it’s been good, at least for Connor and Richard. For me, though, not so much.
After that fight, we never actually got around to talking about us, about me and Richard, that is. It’s the elephant in the room whenever we’re alone together, so much so that, lately we both obviously try not to be in the same room together when Connor isn’t around as a buffer.
What would we even talk about? We can’t talk about our disastrous relationship from 5 years back, or about how I struggled to literally survive since then.
We can’t talk about how I deliberately kept Connor from Richard, or about how I was going to leave him so I could continue to keep his son from him.
If we started to talk about any of these topics, I don’t know where the conversation would end up going, and I think Richard is of the same mind because he avoids talking to me about anything that doesn’t involve Connor.
Things are alright now. Connor knows his dad doesn’t stay with him, but he’s always around whenever he wants him to be, and he’s okay with that.
Of course, he is, he doesn’t know how things actually are in a family.
He probably will once he starts talking to his friends or staying over at their houses.
He’s too young for that understanding now, and I’m grateful.
So yeah, even though I want to talk to Richard, even though I’m itching for the connection we got again that day, two months back, I can’t because I don’t want to overhaul everything all over again for Connor.
If we talked and if we fought, then I’m not sure if we’d be able to act as if everything was fine when Connor is around.
I don’t want to put my son through that.
But I miss him. I miss Richard. It’s crazy.
I know I shouldn’t, not after everything that happened between us.
I should be angry at him, just like I’m sure he’s angry at me for keeping Connor from him, so then…
why do I miss him even though I see him practically every day?
Why do I miss his touch like a fucking limb? Why do I miss our easy conversations?
I miss him so freaking much that it’s lately starting to drive me crazy.
But does Richard miss me too, even a little? Or was he just too angry and unable to see past that?
“You should talk to him”, my mom said, for the hundredth time in the past two months, and I sighed out loud.
“Mooom”, I whined like I was a teenager all over again.
“Don’t mom me”, my mom chided. “You know I’m right! What are you two even doing? What is this pseudo-family bullshit? You’re both pining after each other so much that it’s painful to watch from the outside”, she scolded and looked to my dad for reinforcement.
He nodded sagely. I looked at him in shock. My dad never got into the dumb arguments my mom and I have. Why is he getting involved now? What’s going on? Was I really pining? Wait…was Richard pining as well?
“Dad, not you too!”, I exclaimed.
“Sorry kiddo, but I have to agree with your mom this time. She’s right. You’re both pining, and whenever we visit for dinner, it’s like we’re watching a live romcom that would just never come to an end”, he chuckled.
“Oh come on, Richard is not pining after me. He’s still angry at me”, I protested.
“Hah, so you admit to pining after him”, my mom crowed victoriously, and I sighed all over again.
Why did I think spending an afternoon at my parents’ house while Richard and Connor were at the park was a good use of my time?
I clearly was wrong. They are both traitors who are going to continue levying completely false accusations against me.
I need to go, and I told them as much.
“You’ve both gone mad. I’m leaving. Think about how you practically ran your daughter out of your house with your crazy talk”, I huffed and got up from the kitchen table to leave.
I looked back at the freshly baked cookies my mom had piled up on my plate with longing before I sighed and turned around again.
“Honey”, my mom called out to me, and I stopped mid-stride, but I still didn’t turn around.
“I know you feel like you’re both not ready for a conversation yet, and you probably don’t want to rock the boat.
I understand that, trust me, I do. But I think you’re ready.
You gave Connor two months to get used to having a dad, and that boy is fine, trust me.
Now, it’s time to think about the two of you.
Just talk…he’s not angry, and neither are you, not anymore.
Just try talking”, she finished softly, her haughty tone from before nowhere to be seen.
I didn’t respond to her while I continued walking toward the front door, but I did have a lot on my mind on the drive back home.
They’ll be back soon. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
My mom has completely messed with my head.
Is she right? Is Richard pining after me too?
Well, he was the one who first asked me out on a date, but then, after that fight…
well, nada. He gave Connor his 100%, I won’t fault him on that, but things weren’t the same with us after that.
Now that I think about it, was he put off by me admitting that I was thinking of ending things with him to keep him from Connor? Ahh, I don’t know. Should I take the first step here? Should I? What if he rejects me again? I can’t go through that humiliation all over again.
My mind was literally going in circles when a little devil came running, colliding into me at peak energy. I looked up while hugging Connor tight to see Richard watching us interact with a smile. I smiled back at him.
“I thought you would tire him out?”, I joked.
“Hah, you wish. We still have a long night ahead of us”, he joked back, and we shared a long-suffering smile.
And we did. We had dinner, where Connor talked my ears off about everything he saw and did at the park that day, followed by a literal one-hour bath where he played pirates with his dad, and at bedtime, he demanded we read him three stories each, with sound-effects to boot.
By the time he finally slept, we were tuckered out and ready to hit the sack.
We walked out of our baby’s room together, and I quietly closed the door behind us.
I don’t know what it is, but something has shifted in the air today.
Or maybe I’m just being delusional because of what my mom said.
We’ve walked to the living room now, and this is usually when Richard bids a hasty goodbye devoid of eye contact and practically runs out of the house.
I was expecting just that when he actually stopped walking (away). He turned around and cleared his throat. Once, twice. Like something was stuck in his throat and it was physically painful for him to get it out.
“We need to talk”
Ah, so words were stuck in his throat. Interesting.
“Did my mom talk to you too?”, was the first thing I could respond with, because hey, this is too much of a coincidence for my brain to handle.
“What?”, he asked, confused, and I gave him a sheepish smile.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it”, I assured him. “Sure, talk. Let’s do that”.
Wow, Katie, can you be any more awkward?
“Umm yeah, so, can we talk here, or?”, wow, he’s even more awkward than I am.
“Sure, here’s good”, I told him and gestured toward the couch, and we both sat down on both ends of it, careful not to touch each other, or even look at each other. I don’t know for how long we just sat there, barely looking at each other, letting the silence slowly suffocate us.