Homecoming - Chapter 16
Monday
Brooklyn
Kennedy seemed distracted all night.
When I’d first seen her this weekend, I thought she looked happy.
But now?
She’d barely touched her food.
She kept looking at her phone.
And she kept avoiding eye contact with me.
If there was one thing I knew about my best friend…this all meant something was very wrong. So once Jacob had finally settled down from talking about our zoo adventure, I wandered into Kennedy’s bedroom.
I didn’t wait to be invited. I just climbed in her bed beside her. She was lying down, but I stayed up, just pulling the blanket over my legs. “Talk to me, Kennedy. I can tell something is wrong.”
“I messed everything up.” Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes. “And I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I just want to rewind time and do it all differently.”
I nodded. “I feel exactly the same way.”
She sniffed. “What did you mess up?”
“My whole life?” I sighed. “I don’t know.
I keep wondering if there was possibly a way to undo all of it.
To make different choices. For Miller to still be alive.
But if I rewound too much and didn’t choose him, then I wouldn’t have had 15 perfect years.
I wouldn’t have Jacob. I wouldn’t be me.
Rewinding time would just cause more heartache.
And you’d never even know how much you missed out on. ”
“Yeah.” Kennedy sighed and just stared at me.
“This is where you share your thing.”
“I…can’t. I can’t say the words.”
“Since when have you not been able to tell me stuff?”
“For 16 years Brooklyn.”
That was fair.
“I missed you so freaking much,” she quickly added.
“I missed you too.”
“After I went to college, it was hard to visit my mom because everything here reminds me of you. Heck, we even shared this bed for a bit.”
“I’m really sorry, Kennedy.”
“Trust me, I’m not looking for an apology. Yeah, maybe there’s a small piece of me that’s furious with you. But a much bigger part is relieved. I’m so happy you’re here. I wouldn’t change that for the world. And I’m the one that needs to apologize to you.”
I frowned. “What on earth do you have to apologize for? I’m the one that disappeared.”
“Got kidnapped and then disappeared,” Kennedy said. “That kidnapping thing is a very important detail.”
Whatever she needed to tell me seemed bad. Or else she would have spilled it already. “Just rip the Band-Aid off,” I said.
“I never meant for it to happen. And I’m trying hard to undo it, but I’m having a really hard time because I…” her voice trailed off. She took a deep breath. “I think I may have accidentally fallen in love with Matt.”
“My Matt?”
She winced when I said it.
And I wasn’t even sure why I said it. I just meant…
the Matt I knew. Matthew Caldwell. I swallowed hard.
“Sorry, just…Matt. You’re in love with Matt?
” I shook my head. It was stupid, that my heart was racing.
Even stupider that the knife I’d felt in my chest so many years ago was back, twisting slowly.
Matt wasn’t mine. He could date whoever he wanted.
And Kennedy could date whoever she wanted. “Okay,” I said.
“Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
What the hell did she want me to say? That I was fine with it? Because I wasn’t sure I was fine. It felt like the knife in my chest twisted deeper. I exhaled slowly. I’d asked for this, hadn’t I? By praying he found happiness too? “How long have you two been dating?”
“Not long at all. Like I said, it was hard for me to come back to the city. But I got this job opportunity I couldn’t pass up and…
I ran into Matt. Literally. When I was shooting some photos.
And I swear we were just friends. And then it somehow kind of tumbled into more. And I…I don’t know what happened.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Stop saying okay. It’s not okay! I feel awful. And I told him to stop calling me. I told him we were done. But it’s like he’s crawled into my veins.”
Yeah, I knew that feeling. Like you couldn’t shake him. And I was embarrassed to admit that he still had a hold on me after all these years. Or else hearing all this wouldn’t be making me feel like I’d just run five miles.
“As soon as you came back, I pushed him away. But when I saw that stupid tabloid this morning I got so mad and I stormed over to his office and I somehow kissed him and I’m sorry.
It’s still done. I just slipped once and it won’t happen again.
” Tears were running down her cheeks now. “God, I’m such a monster.”
And I wanted to hug her and tell her it was going to be okay. But my mind had just stopped. The tabloid. Matt wasn’t dating Kennedy. Or if he was… “Kennedy. He’s engaged to Poppy.”
“He’s not engaged to Poppy. They’re dating publicly because Matt got into a little situation he’s trying to get out of, but…”
“You’re dating him in secret?” Oh, Kennedy . I wanted to cry for her. She’d gotten tangled up in him. Just like I had. And he’d break her too.
“I know that sounds bad…”
“Yeah, it does sound bad. You know how much it hurt me when he kept me a secret in high school.” I shook my head. “Has he really learned nothing from his past?” God, that boy was such an idiot.
“He has. He…”
“No he hasn’t, Kennedy. You’re his dirty little secret just like I was. And you deserve better than an asshole like him.”
“Whoa. He’s not an asshole.”
I just stared at her. I knew I was breathing hard. I knew my palms were sweaty. I didn’t even know why I was so upset. Matt wasn’t mine. I didn’t love him anymore. I’d let him go.
“He’s going to break up with her.” Kennedy shook her head. “This is coming out wrong. They’re not even really dating. It’s just for the press.”
“I bet it is.”
“You don’t understand,” Kennedy said.
“I do. I understand exactly. Because he put me in the same position 16 years ago!”
“But he fixed it…”
“Fixed what? My life is a fucking mess because of him!”
“I don’t think that’s fair,” Kennedy said. “You’re the one that didn’t come back when you escaped...”
“I did come back!”
“What?” She pushed herself up to face me. “When?”
I climbed out of her bed and started pacing. God, the last thing I wanted to do was relive this moment. I still remembered feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Running to James and Rob’s treehouse. It felt like my life was over. Like I’d lost my whole world.
I shook my head. No. It didn’t compare to what I was feeling now. Because I actually had lost my whole world now. And this was worse.
I was just a kid back then. Matt betrayed me. He didn’t feel sorry. And that was the end of our story. I was young and stupid, and this shouldn’t still hurt so fucking much.
My feet finally stopped pacing and I turned to Kennedy. “When I escaped…I came back to him right away.”
Kennedy shook her head. “That can’t…but he still thinks you’re dead, Brooklyn.”
“We made all these promises to each other. He was the only thing that kept me going, really. Knowing he was out there missing me as much as I was missing him. My dad started bringing me photos. Showing him hanging out with other girls. Drinking, partying with his friends. But I fixated on his eyes.” I tried to picture one of those old photos.
“He looked as sad as me. My dad was just messing with my head. I was sure of it.”
“He was sad,” Kennedy said. “He was barely holding it together. You two must have been feeling exactly the same way.”
I shook my head. “That’s what I wanted to believe. I convinced myself it was true. That he needed me as much as I needed him. But it didn’t look like he was missing me when I came to his house at the end of the next summer.”
Kennedy just waited.
“He was banging some random brunette in his family’s pool.” Her face was permanently etched into my memory. Her laughing. Her hands on my man. And worse, his hands on her. His laugh. His smile. He was so happy.
“Brooklyn…”
“He broke me. And he promised not to do that. He promised me.” I shook my head. He’d promised me a lot of things. And he’d broken all of them.
“He thought you were dead.”
“Yeah. But he didn’t even wait a year. I would have waited a lifetime for him.” It was dumb and na?ve. But it was still true. I’d loved him so much.
Kennedy opened her mouth and then closed it.
There wasn’t really anything else to say.
I got her point. Matt thought I was dead.
So of course he was allowed to put his dick into whoever he wanted.
Of course he was allowed to be happy. I just never expected him to move on so quickly.
It made me feel worse than being his dirty little secret.
It made me feel like I’d never meant anything at all.
And just thinking about that hurt made the knife in my chest ease. I’d made the right choice all those years ago. I wouldn’t undo a second of it. I’d let Matt go. I repeated it over and over to myself until I exhaled slowly. I’d let him go.
“So you didn’t speak to him when you visited?”
“He was a little busy.” I sat down on the edge of her bed.
“I really think you should speak to him now.”
“And say what, Kennedy? We were done 16 years ago.”
She shook her head. “Whoever that girl was in his pool, it meant nothing, I’m sure of it. He was just trying to…”
“Fuck me out of his system?” I laughed. “No. It didn’t look like that.
It looked like…” my voice trailed off. “He was happy.” I exhaled slowly.
“And despite how much of a jerk he was to me, I want that for him. Because for just a brief amount of time, he made me happy too, you know?” He’d fixed me just to ruin me all over again.
The thing I was still most angry about was all those stupid tears I cried over him.
All that time I wasted when I should have been with Miller.
Because my time with Miller had been cut way too short.
Kennedy nodded. “I think the two of you could be happy together now.”
I just stared at her. “He’s dating you and Poppy. I think his hands are full.”
Kennedy laughed, but it sounded forced. “I broke it off with him. Yes, I had a slip-up today, but…”
“Does he make you happy?”
“Yeah, but…”
“Like I said…I want him to be happy. And I definitely want you to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy too,” she said.
I nodded. “That’ll never be with Matt though.” I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I hate him more than I ever loved him.”
“Hate is a strong emotion. Almost as strong as love.”
“I don’t love Matthew Caldwell. And despite whatever he’s told you, he doesn’t love me either.
” I wasn’t sure he ever had. “I shouldn’t have said I hated him.
I just…I’m done letting him hurt me. I’m over him.
I’ve been over him for years. So if you want to date him, despite the fact that he’s putting you second, that’s your choice. ”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“Yes you can. Kennedy, it’s been 16 years since I dated him.
I don’t even know him anymore. If you like him…
that’s okay with me.” It had to be okay with me.
But I also knew what them dating meant. That eventually I’d have to see him.
Hang out with him. Coexist with him. I couldn’t understand Matt with Poppy.
But I could understand Matt with Kennedy.
Kennedy was kind and sweet. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. It was like I accidentally wished this upon myself when I said Matt should be with anyone but Poppy. I hadn’t meant Kennedy. But this was going to be okay. It had to be.
“I think the years have twisted your memory of him,” said Kennedy. “I swear he’s still the same guy he was in high school.”
No, he was the same boy he was in high school.
Because he was dating the girl he had real feelings for in secret.
He was exactly the same. And I couldn’t believe that Kennedy couldn’t see it.
He was going to hurt her just like he hurt me.
He’d promise her the world and take it away.
And she knew all that. So there wasn’t really anything I could say to stop her. It was her decision.
“You need to tell him that you’re alive,” she said. “I can’t keep this secret for you. It’s tearing me up inside.”
“I…” my voice trailed off. God, I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
Stay? Go? Jacob loved it here. He loved Mrs. Alcaraz and Kennedy.
And I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I wasn’t sure when I would be.
Because it wasn’t a home without Miller.
I blinked fast to keep my tears at bay. I’d have to face Matt eventually.
And it was better if I did it myself. “I’ll tell him. ”
“I can give you his number if you want,” Kennedy said.
I pulled out my cellphone and handed it to her. She typed in his number and handed it back to me.
She stared at me like I was going to call him right this second.
“Tomorrow,” I said. Tomorrow seemed easier than today.
“Okay.” She looked just as upset as when we started this conversation.
She’d been keeping her relationship with Matt a secret from me. Or, end of relationship. Or whatever it was. Because I told her I didn’t want to talk about Matt. And she’d also been keeping my return a secret from Matt. I’d put her in a terrible position.
I didn’t want her to feel bad. About any of it. “You really can keep dating him,” I said. “It’s fine with me.” It had to be.
She shook her head.
“Really, Kennedy. I promise I don’t have feelings for him anymore.”
She eyed me skeptically.
“I knew him half a lifetime ago. I’m not the same person now. And even if I was? There are some things too big to get over.”
Kennedy nodded. “Maybe.”
“Definitely.”
She puffed up her cheeks and then blew out an exhausted exhale. “I didn’t mean to fall for him, you know?”
I nodded. Yeah, I knew exactly how she was feeling.
I’d never meant to fall for Matt either.
My staring at him at Empire High was what first got me in trouble with Isabella.
And not keeping my hands to myself had resulted in her torturing me.
Loving Matt had set all these catastrophic things in motion. So yeah, I knew what she meant.
“It’s really okay,” I said. I meant it when I said it. But as soon as the words fell from my mouth I bit the inside of my cheek. Why was my heart still racing so fast?