Chapter 58
The taxi smelled faintly of vinyl and air freshener.
Kairi sat stiffly in the backseat, hands clasped together in her lap, then unclasped.
She stared out the window, watching streetlights blur past, her thoughts racing ahead of the car.
Every excuse she'd made earlier unraveled now.
Every maybe. Every what if.
Her leg bounced uncontrollably, heel tapping against the floor mat.
Maybe she just didn't want to be seen.
Maybe she's there now, waiting.
The taxi slowed before stopping.
"Dito na po tayo, ma'am," sabi ng driver.
Nagbayad na si Kairi at bumaba.
Walang nagbago sa apartment complex. Tahimik pa rin. Too calm kumpara sa ingay ng tibok ng puso niya. She walked in without hesitation, passing the parking space bago dumiretso sa first-floor unit na kabisadong-kabisado na niya.
Huminto siya sa tapat ng pinto.
For a second, nakatayo lang siya doon. Mababaw ang paghinga niya habang nakikinig kung may kahit anong tunog mula sa loob.
Nothing.
Then she lifted her hand and knocked.
Softly at first.
Wala pa rin.
She knocked again, mas malakas nang konti. Then isa pa.
"Miss Herrera?" mahinang tawag niya. "It's me...Kairi."
Silence.
She waited, heart hammering. She listened for movement—footsteps, a lock turning, or anything.
Pero wala pa rin talang kahit anong tunog o ingay mula sa loob.
Nilakasan pa niya ang pagkatok sa pinto. "Miss Herrera, please..." her voice cracked. "I know you're probably tired or busy, pero...I just...I need to talk to you."
She leaned closer to the door, her forehead almost touching the wood.
"I graduated today," mahina niyang sabi na parang sinasabi lang sa hangin. "I looked for you, you know. Akala ko talaga, you'd be there."
Huminga siya nang malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata.
"I was angry," tuloy niya, words spilling now that she'd started. "I said things I shouldn't have. Alam ko iyon. Nasaktan lang ako and I didn't mean to make it sound like you didn't care. I know you did. I know you still do."
She pressed her palm flat against the door.
"I get it now," she said, exhaling shakily. "Natakot ka lang. And you were trying to hold everything together."
Huminto siya sandali. "I'm sorry I made it harder."
Another silence answered her.
Then footsteps approached. Biglang tumuwid si Kairi at mabilis na pinunasan ang mukha, habang may matandang babaeng may dalang grocery bags ang tumigil sa tabi niya.
"Iha?" mahinahon nitong tanong. "Hinahanap mo ba iyong matangkad na babaeng nakatira diyan?"
Kairi nodded, swallowing. "O-opo. Alam niyo po ba kung nasaan siya?"
The woman hesitated, shifting the bags in her arms. "Matagal ko na rin siyang hindi nakikita," sabi nito. "Mga ilang araw na. Mahigit isang linggo na siguro. Sabi ng landlady, may kumausap sa kanya tungkol sa pag-alis niya."
Parang hindi makapaniwala si Kairi sa narinig.
"P-po? Pag-alis?" Kairi breathed.
Tumango ang babae. "Oo, iha. Hindi na tinuloy ang kontrata sa unit. Pero nandiyan pa raw ang mga gamit niya."
"Ahh...s-sige po. Salamat," ang tanging nasabi na lang ni Kairi.
Naglakad na ang matandang babae palayo at muling naiwang mag-isa si Kairi.
Humarap si Kairi sa pinto, staring at it as the reality settled in slowly, cruelly. It wasn't a disappointment. It was something worse. Something like the floor dropping out from under her at wala siyang makapitan.
She's gone.
Not waiting. Not hiding. At hindi rin iyong tipong kailangan lang ng konting panahon o space.
Gone.
Biglang bumalik sa isip niya ang sinabi niya noon.
You'll regret this.
Kairi let out a shaky, humorless huff that almost sounded like a laugh.
Bakit parang siya ang nagsisisi ngayon?
Nagsisising umalis siya noong gabing iyon. Nagsisising hindi siya agad pumunta rito, knocking on Miss Herrera's door. Nagsisisi sa bawat sandaling nag-alinlangan siya. Sa bawat salitang binitawan niya, na mas pinili niyang manakit instead of holding onto what little time they had left.
Muli niyang idinikit ang palad sa pinto, eyes burning.
"I wish you stayed," she whispered to the empty space, sa babaeng wala na roon, at sa bersyon ng sarili niyang naniwalang magiging iba ang ending nito.
Then, dahan-dahan niyang ibinaba ang kamay, tumalikod, at naglakad palayo, carrying the weight of a goodbye she never got to say.
Kairi didn't remember deciding to go home.
Paglabas niya ng apartment complex, basta na lang siya naglakad.
Down one street, then another. The city blurred into a series of steps and breaths and the dull ache spreading through her feet.
Hindi niya tiningnan ang oras. Hindi na rin nag-abalang tingnan ang kanyang phone.
Her mind was too full and too empty at once.
Naglakad siya hanggang sa mangalay ang binti niya.
Until the backs of her heels screamed with every step as the thin skin rubbed raw sa ilang oras na paglalakad na hindi niya namalayang ganito na pala katagal.
Eventually, naramdaman na rin niya ang sakit sa paa.
Huminto siya sa ilalim ng streetlight and bent over with her hands on her knees, breathing hard.
Doon na niya napansin ang dugo sa edge ng kanyang heel at parang ngayon na lang niya naramdaman kung gaano ito kahapdi.
Too tired to keep going, pumara na siya ng taxi.
Pagdating niya sa bahay, bukas pa rin ang mga ilaw. The door clicked shut behind her, soft but loud in the quiet living room where her parents and Lara were sitting, waiting. Then sabay-sabay silang tumayo nang makita siya.
"Kairi," nag-aalalang tawag sa kanya ng nanay niya habang papalapit. "Where have you been? Kanina ka pa namin hinihintay at tinatawagan."
Pero bago pa makasagot si Kairi, lumapit na ang tatay niya.
"Where were you?" mariin niyang tanong.
Napaatras si Kairi sa tono ng boses ng tatay niya.
"I—" Kairi tried, but he didn't let her finish.
"Hinintay ka namin," he said sharply. "At the restaurant. Alam mo ba kung gaano kami katagal naghintay? Bigla ka na lang umalis. Walang paalam. Walang message. Walang tawag. Alam mo ba—"
"Hon, please," Kairi's mother cut in, touching his arm. "Nandito na siya."
Pero umiling lang ang tatay niya at tuloy-tuloy ang pagbuhos ng galit.
"Ano bang problema?" patuloy niya at mas tumaas ang boses. "Nawawala ka. Hindi ka sumasagot. Wala kang paliwanag. Ilang araw ka nang ganyan. Binigyan ka namin ng space. Binigyan ka namin ng oras. Aba, sobra na yata!"
Kairi stood there, frozen. Suot pa rin niya ang kanyang heels, kumikirot ang mga paa, at dinadamdam ang hapdi ng sugat nito.
Her heart pounded so hard she could barely hear over it.
Kahit minsan, hindi niya pa narinig ang tatay niya na ganito magsalita.
Never. Palagi itong mahinahon, palabiro, at pasensyoso. He was soft-spoken.
This version of him was terrifying.
Her father's voice cracked with anger edged by fear. "Ano bang nangyayari sayo?!" he demanded. "Magsabi ka naman, Kairi! Why are you doing this? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan?"
Bumagsak ang luha ni Kairi bago pa niya mapigilan ito.
"Pa, please... stop," mahina niyang sabi.
Her father stepped closer. "No, Kairi. Ikaw ang tumigil. Stop running! Stop hiding! And tell us what's wrong. Hanggang kailan ka ba ganyan, ha?!"
"I said stop!" sigaw niya as her voice cracked.
"Then talk!" sigaw pabalik ng tatay niya. "Sabihin mo sa amin!"
Then the words burst out of her before she could think.
"I'm in love with my teacher!"
Silence slammed down hard.
No one moved. No one spoke.
Nakatitig ang tatay niya sa kanya. Ang nanay niya? Nanigas sa kinatatayuan niya. At napasinghap naman si Lara.
Mahina at halos hysterical na napatawa si Kairi bago tuluyang bumagsak sa sahig. Her hands flew to her face as sobs ripped through her chest.
"I'm in love with her!" she screamed through tears. "I told her! I told her I love her and now she's gone! Umalis na siya!"
Nanginginig ang balikat niya habang tuluyan siyang gumuho at paulit-ulit ang pag-amin na parang hindi sapat na sabihin nang isang beses lang.
"I love her—God, I love her—pero iniwan niya ako!" she cried. "Bigla na lang siyang nawala!"
Kitang-kita kung paano naubos ang galit sa mukha ng tatay niya at napalitan ng pagkabigla. It was so sharp it looked like pain. His mouth opened, then closed. He didn't yell again.
Parang lumiit ang sala. Parang masyadong tahimik.
Kairi stayed curled on the floor, sobbing. Mariing nakatakip ang mga kamay sa mukha niya, habang tuluyan ng bumagsak ang bigat ng lahat—lahat ng pinigil niya at lahat ng nawala sa kanya—sa harap ng pamilya niya.