24. Benita
Benita
“ Y ou been applying for jobs out in Vegas or partying?” I asked Yeremy.
“I don’t know if this is somewhere I want to stay permanently at, Ma.” She sighed into the phone.
“Plus, it’s hot as fish grease out here, I haven’t been outside like that. I think I have a stomach virus,” she continued, sounding like the spoiled princess Casper raised her to be.
“You got to do something…I can’t keep you concealed for too long, Yeremy. Casper is going insane?—”
“He will be just fine, I needed this time away. To think and feel free with my thoughts on what’s my next steps. It’s not like he haven’t went this long without talking to me before,” she stated.
“Don’t compare this to that, little girl.
Casper might have not talked to you for a while when you was with Ramsey’s bitch ass but he knew where the hell you was!
He made sure you was taken care of, and you didn’t have no problem spending that allowance that he deposited into your account like clockwork. ” I reminded her.
I wanted to support Yeremy’s decision in leaving to find her way but she had no damn plan. Her logic was starting not to make any type of sense to me either.
“Money getting tight, I gave you all of my savings just so you wouldn’t have to use your limitless black card that Casper gave you. If I start asking him for money, he’s going to start pressing me and?—”
“Ma please! This is why I didn’t want your help with this. I’ll call you tomorrow, I don’t feel good, and I just need to rest.”
“Yeremy, are you—” She hung up before I could get the word pregnant out.
I sat for a couple of minutes in silence, my intuition was stabbing at me.
Something deep in my guts told me that my daughter was pregnant.
Casper was going to lose his fucking mind.
I sat up and reached for my pack of Newport’s Long.
I took a cigarette out and placed it to my lips.
Inhaling the smoke, I held it in and released it seconds later.
All of this shit with Yeremy and Casper was starting to take a damn toll on me.
I snatched my bob wig off and tossed it to the side of me.
“They not about to ruin my damn mood.” I mumbled to myself.
I sat back and started to take the braided cornrows out of my head.
Once I was done, I hopped in the shower to ease my nerves more.
My room smelled like vanilla from the candles that I lit before getting in the shower.
I dimed my lights then sat in the middle of my bed with my legs folded under me in the center.
I took a sip of my red wine then placed my neatly rolled blunt between my lips.
I missed Casper whenever I was away from his mean ass.
This whole thing with Yeremy was too much for him and it showed through his shitty attitude.
So, it felt good for me to be in the comforts of my home, with no drama or phone calls.
I took another sip of my wine then leaned back on my bed in deep thought.
After the fourth refill of wine, it started to hit different.
I got up and sat on my small couch inside of my room as smooth jazz crooned lowly through the speakers.
My heart started to ache as I became consumed with thoughts of Casper.
No matter how bad I tried to let him go, I couldn’t.
I still felt like there was more. He was never supposed to just be a chapter in a book that I skipped pass like it was nothing.
He was the chapter that I reread, and he was the end as well as my forever.
Casper was everything that your mom would warn you about.
I closed my eyes then let my head fall back against the couch.
I could feel the way he used to touch my cheek with his rough hands and look at me with so much adoration.
I missed the feeling of him pulling me into his lap after a long day, I was once his peace.
He used to sigh into the crown of my head and hold me tight like I was the only source of peace that he could find in the middle of all the chaos that went on outside of our house.
I held on to all the promises he told me that sounded like vows.
I broke the belief that he had in me, and he would never look past it.
I would give anything to have him like I used to have him.
The bits and pieces he gave me just wasn’t enough.
The men that I tried to replace him with didn’t come close.
My eyes started to burn as they welled up with tears.
“I know you know where the fuck my daughter is.” I heard his deep raspy voice.
I blinked my eyes and chuckled to myself, thinking that I was really tripping until the smell of his cologne traveled up my nose.
I sat up straight, tensed as hell. Casper’s eyes was locked with mines.
He wore all black pressed slacks, leather shoes topped with a black dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
His salt-and-pepper waves were neat as always.
A cruel smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. My stomach dropped, seconds later anticipation got the best of me. Casper didn’t come to my house at all. He always shot me a simple text and I would come running to wherever he wanted me to be.
“Casper…” I whispered his name.
He didn’t say nothing, he stepped fully into the room. His judgmental eyes scanned my small space with disgust.
“I know…” he said, voice low and lethal.
“You know where the fuck my daughter is,” he said it so calmly.
It wasn’t a question, Casper was waiting for me to lie. I tried to stand; panic crawled up my spine. His eyes pierced me, the buzz that I had from the wine sobered me up as I sat my ass right back down on the couch.
“I—I haven’t talked to her.” I stammered over my words.
Casper took one slow step forward, he placed his cigar in the corner of his mouth. The chuckle that left his throat rattled me as he took a long pull from it. He snatched the cigar out of his mouth then ashed it on my floor.
“You think I give a fuck about anything when I don’t know where the fuck my daughter is at?” He tilted his head to the side.
“You think I don’t know the way your little snake-ass mind works? Bitch I’ll kill you and keep your ashes in my room, next to my bed to mourn the good piece of hoe pussy I lost,” he spat out.
I swallowed hard, my bottom lip trembled as I searched my brain for the right response.
“Casper, please stop treating and talking to me this way… I’m sorry…I love you?—”
“Bitch, if I ask one more muthafuckin’ time about Yeremy’s whereabouts…” his words trailed off as he clicked his tongue.
“She left, Casper. She ain’t tell me shit.” I uttered as I roughly wiped my tears from my cheeks.
I realized something then smiled inwardly. Casper would do just about anything to get to Yeremy. This could work to my advantage… I thought. I stood up and started walking toward my bed.
“You ever seen a body get dropped in acid?” he asked suddenly. I froze and turned around to face him.
“It don’t melt fast, it bubbles, pops…then skin starts to peel off like wet tissue. The teeth…always float up last. Did you know that?” He raised a thick brow at me and smirked evilly.
My mouth opened, but nothing came out.
“People that crossed me the worse, I used to let them beg,” he said stepping a little too close.
His cigar smoke curled around my face as his deep dark eyes scanned my face.
“I wouldn’t allow you to beg me though, Benita. You crossed me for the last time with this?—”
“Casper.” I pleaded and backed up until my calves hit the edge of my bed.
“I swear on my life?—”
“Your life don’t mean shit to me no more, the moment you let a bunch of niggas run through that pussy on the day my parents were murdered. I stopped giving a fuck when I was in the hospital without you there to—” he dropped his eyes for a couple of seconds.
When he looked back up at me, his eyes held no emotion. He stared at me long and hard.
“You right, Casper.” My voice broke.
“My life doesn’t mean shit without you.” I whimpered out.
“I don’t want to hear none of that begging shit, Benita. I’ll be in the living room. You have five minutes to tell me what the fuck I want to hear.” He turned to walk out.
The smoke from his cigar hung in the room alone with the scent of his cologne. His heavy foot steps down the hallway could be heard as I stood in the same spot. My mind was scattered in every mistake I ever made when it came to him.
“Fuck this!” I said aloud.
I rushed after him and choked over my words a little from the painful lump that formed in the center of my throat.
“I’ll tell you where she is,” I said desperately.
He turned around slowly and shook his head.
“I knew you was lying.” He shook his head.
“Where is she?”
The truth was caught in my throat because I didn’t want to tell him until I he gave in a little to me. Something told me that deep down, he still loved me even with all the hate that he still tried to hold on to.
“Casper, baby, if I tell you…can I have another chance?” My voice faltered.
I loved him like it was my religion, I didn’t fear the threats that he spat out at me seconds ago…
I feared his rejection. His eyes narrowed slightly, the cold look that he had before was gone.
I never asked flat out for another chance.
I didn’t work hard enough to get him back.
All I did was be available for him any time he reached out.
“Another chance at what?” he said, even though he knew.
“Us.” Tears blurred my vision as I stepped forward.
I felt a little hope when he didn’t respond. His stare penetrated me as if he could see into my soul.
“I know I fucked up; I lied a lot…I didn’t fight for you back like I should have because I knew that I would still at least have you, even if it was part time. I didn’t fight to be more of a mother to Yeremy… But I never stopped loving you.” My throat burned as I swallowed down hard.