24. Benita #2
“I don’t sleep right and don’t feel as good unless it’s with you. You on my mind all day, even at night I think about you. All these other men don’t do it for me, all I end up doing when I’m with them is think of you.”
He didn’t react, his face was still the same as I searched my mind for something that could get through to him. I dropped down to my knees, my eyes on the carpet as I broke in front of him.
“I miss you,” I whispered with my tears falling.
“I miss the way you used to look at me, your voice when you actually cared…” I crawled toward him.
“I miss belonging to you, Casper. You was proud to claim me.” My hands gripped the hem of his slacks as I stared up at him.
“Give me another chance. Please, I’ll tell you where Yeremy is. Let me prove that I can still be what you need.” I begged.
For what felt like forever, he said nothing and just looked down at me. He removed the cigar from his mouth then rolled his neck until it cracked.
“Get up, Benita,” he said lowly.
My heart slammed inside of my chest as I remained on the floor.
“Get the fuck up!” He yelled.
I jumped hard, then stood slowly. I felt shameful and could no longer look into his eyes. I was giving it all that I had. His finger touched my chin, he pushed my chin up forcing me to look into his eyes.
“You can’t bargain my daughter for love. I ain’t the type of man that want what’s spoiled either.” He released my chin.
His words felt like knives aimed straight at my heart. He gave me his ass to kiss and walked toward the door. I didn’t give a damn how pathetic I looked. All I cared about was him and Yeremy. I wanted to get whatever I could back, I was tired of holding on to all the what ifs in this.
“Casper, don’t walk out,” I whispered loud enough.
“I can be better for you and everything you built,” I continued.
He exhaled, I could tell by the shift in his back that he was battling with something inside of himself. The part of him that never looked back, and the part of him that once looked at me like I was the last piece of peace that he had in his life.
“We can go to Yeremy together… Why not show her how a man is supposed to be with me? You kill people for less, Casper…If there was nothing there for me…you would have killed me a long time ago when Yeremy was much younger so she could believe whatever lie you would say about me dying. There’s something in your heart, Casper, that still yearns for me.
I yearn for you, I’m not ashamed to admit that.
You take me back…I know I’ll make you happy… ” My voice broke.
I dropped my head in defeat then picked my eyes up to see him turning back around. His eyes met mine, something shifted in them. I saw the hate and resentment, and all of the distrust and disappointment that he had for me.
“You don’t deserve a second chance,” he said flatly.
“I know,” I whispered.
I wept softly, my shoulders shook as my world started to fall apart slowly.
“You deserved a bullet for all the bullshit that you put me and Yeremy through. Still, I take care of you…”
“I know, you do,” I agreed brokenly.
He stepped forward, my heart skipped a beat.
“You think I’m fuckin’ weak for you. I ain’t no stupid pussy ass nigga, Benita,” he spat.
“I know you not, Casper. But maybe you can be just a little stupid enough to want me a little.” I cringed at my own words.
He stared at me, seconds later he chuckled dryly as he looked at me with a dull look.
He closed the space between us and sighed roughly then grabbed me.
His hands were hard on my waist, he squeezed painfully tight.
I melted right before him and cried my heart out with my head bowed at his chest. Casper used one of his hands to lift my head up.
His lips crashed into mine, he kissed me like he hated that he still craved me.
He pulled back, breathing hard with disbelief masking his handsome rugged face.
“We get my daughter…” he said through gritted teeth.
“After that, Benita…you prove to me everything through actions, in my home. Prove that you can be a wife and not what the fuck I regret.”
I nodded my head before my heart could even process what he just said.
“Okay, don’t shut me out and make it hard…I know you, Casper.” I grabbed his dress shirt and looked into his eyes desperately.
He nodded his head, and I exhaled; it felt like I could breathe properly again. I buried my face back into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me as my hands traveled to his back. I cried silently as I thanked God.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into his shirt.
“I’m so sorry, Casper.”
He didn’t say nothing, he just stood and held me. Minutes later he finally spoke.
“Is my baby safe?” he asked.
“Yeah, she good. Stubborn like you, but she’s good.
I actually want us to wait a few days or weeks.
Me and her been talking a lot, I listen to her speak.
She’s her own woman. Although some of her reasoning be a little off, we have to let her make her own decisions.
That includes, Sol. I don’t think she will forgive him for the role he played in killing Ramsey.
But, she did express how good he treated her,” I said a mouthful.
“Where is she?” he asked, pulling me back just enough to look down at me.
“Vegas, I gave her the money that I keep saved in the safe for her to get out there to get her mind right,” I admitted.
His expression didn’t change much but I saw relief behind his dark eyes.
I loved how much he loved our daughter. It was overbearing but he meant well.
There was so many dead-beat ass niggas that didn’t even acknowledge their kids.
Casper was the total opposite. He would give his life for Yeremy.
He nodded his head then tightened his grip on my waist.
“Alright, let’s get some rest then.”
I blinked my eyes and frowned.
“Huh?”
He released me and took my hand without asking. He led us to my bedroom.
“We will figure this shit out in the morning. I wanted to go to her tonight, but I think you right about letting her be for a minute. All of this been stressing me. I thought about killing Sol, but I didn’t.
I love the little nigga, I just don’t think he good enough for my Yeremy.
I wanted her to have the world, Benita. I never wanted her to be exposed to some toxic type of love.
I understand now that it started with us.
We both should have fought harder to show her something different.
” He paused from talking and swallowed down hard.
“I needed somebody to place the blame on. That somebody was you. I never got over that shit. A part of me blamed myself for not being there to protect you from them niggas. I killed every last one of them that violated…I was just still stuck on the part of you defying me. You had everything that you’ve ever wanted but still defied me when I left to handle business. I needed—” His voice cracked.
We stood outside of my bedroom as he looked me deep in the eyes. We never talked much about the past but maybe this was needed.
“I needed you for a change and you weren’t there. It cut me deep…I should have been man enough to forgive and help you work through your own trauma. Instead, I aimed to hurt you after that day. It’s been torture to my soul because I love and think about you as much as you do me.” He sighed.
He placed a firm kiss to my forehead then my nose. He pressed his lips to mine then stared into my tear-filled eyes.
“We gone be good; right now, I need to shut my eyes. I haven’t gotten sleep in days.”
My heart thudded wildly, I could barely process his words, but I heard him and felt him. He was willingly taking me to be with him. I followed him wordlessly. I held on to his hand tightly. Casper sat at the edge of my bed and took his watch over. He sat it next to him then glanced up at me.
“Don’t just stand there all nervous. Come get this shit then get in bed with me.” He kicked off his shoes then stood to take off his slacks.
I smiled and watched his spoiled ass undress in front of me.
I picked up his clothes then took it to my hamper.
I placed his watch on the nightstand then took his cigar and placed it in my ashtray.
Once I was done, he laid in the bed with his hands folded behind his head.
I let out a shaky breath and climbed in beside him.
I rolled toward him and just looked at him.
“Thank you, Casper. This means a lot to me,” I whispered.
He didn’t say much as I expected. I curled into his side and rested my head on his chest. One of his arms slowly came down to wrap around me like old times. My tears returned gratefully; after all the damage that we both caused, I thought we would never come back to this.