Chapter 4
Days Later…
On my way to the clinic, my nerves was bad ‘cause I already knew what I was goin’ there to do, and even though I kept tellin’ myself I had my reasons, my stomach was still twistin’ like I was doin’ some real foul shit.
I gripped the steerin’ wheel a little tighter than usual with my jaw locked, eyes straight ahead, tryin’ not to think about Kay’Lo’s face the last time we touched each other like that and how fast everything went left.
That shit been sittin’ heavy on my heart ever since, and no matter how much I tried to push it down, it kept floatin’ back up like it wanted to be dealt with.
It wasn’t even supposed to go like that.
Sex was our thing. That was the one place where all the bullshit disappeared and it was just us, breath on skin, hands knowin’ where to go without askin’ and bodies speakin’ louder than words ever could.
When I pushed him off me, it felt like I ripped somethin’ sacred in half, and I could still see the look on his face when he froze, confused and hurt, like he ain’t even recognize me or the moment no more.
Kay’Lo ain’t used to me stoppin’ him, ain’t used to me pushin’ him away like he was doin’ somethin’ wrong, and that scream that came out my mouth felt like it belonged to a version of me I ain’t even know was still livin’ inside of me.
Since then, the energy between us been off.
Not loud and explosive like when we argue, but quiet in a way that made everything feel fragile.
He wasn’t touchin’ me like he usually did, wasn’t pullin’ me close when we passed each other in the hallway, wasn’t jokin’ or flirtin’ or even fussin’ like normal.
He had been distant, shut down, movin’ like he was scared to say the wrong thing, and that shit hurt worse than him yellin’ ever could.
I was used to Kay’Lo comin’ toward me, even when he was mad, even when he was spiralin’, but now it felt like he was sittin’ back, watchin’ me, tryna read me like a problem he ain’t know how to solve.
And that scared me too…
‘Cause I loved him. I loved that man in a way that went deeper than lust and deeper than habit. When I looked at Kay’Lo, I saw my future, even with all his rough edges and wild moods and dangerous decisions.
I saw the way he could be soft with me when nobody else was around, and the way he could make me feel protected even when the world felt scary at times.
But I also saw the parts of him that still needed work, the parts that scared me enough to pause when the doctor said my body was fine and that gettin’ pregnant wasn’t impossible like I always believed.
That truth hit me harder than I expected.
For years I had told myself my body was damaged and that whatever was did to me back then stole somethin’ from me that I couldn’t get back.
That belief turned into a shield, and as long as I thought I couldn’t have kids, I ain’t have to imagine what motherhood would look like with a man who could go from calm to chaos real quick.
Now that shield was gone, and I was left with questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
A baby with Kay’Lo wouldn’t just be love and cute moments and family pictures.
It would be stress and fear and nights where I’d have to choose between protectin’ my child and protectin’ my husband from himself.
I knew I’d love my baby no matter what, even if they came out with the same struggles Kay’Lo had, but I also knew I wasn’t ready to fight that battle right now.
Not when him and I still had shit we ain’t even talked through properly.
The car ride felt longer than usual, and by the time I pulled into the clinic parkin’ lot, my chest was tight and my palms was sweaty.
I sat there for a minute, the engine still runnin’, starin’ at the building like it was about to judge me the second I walked inside.
I knew goin’ behind Kay’Lo’s back was wrong.
I knew I should be communicatin’ with my husband instead of makin’ decisions like this alone, but every time I imagined tryna explain my fears to him, I could already see the confusion and frustration in his eyes.
Kay’Lo heard shit in black and white, and this was all gray, and I ain’t trust that he would really understand without feelin’ rejected or controlled.
So I got out the car…
The clinic smelled clean and sterile, and the air felt cold against my skin as I checked in at the front desk.
I gave my name, and the rest of my information and kept my voice calm even though my heart was beatin’ fast, and took a seat while I waited to be called back.
My leg bounced without me even realizin’ it, and I kept glancin’ at my phone like Kay’Lo was gon’ pop up outta nowhere even though I knew he was out handlin’ business.
Every second I sat in the chair felt like I was makin’ a choice that would change shit, even if nobody else knew yet.
When they finally called my name, I followed the nurse down the hall, answered questions on autopilot, and let them check my blood pressure while I stared at the wall.
They asked me basic stuff about my health, about my cycle, about what I was lookin’ for, and I answered without goin’ too deep.
I wasn’t here to tell my life story. I was there for the pills, plain and simple.
Still, when they asked if I was sure this was what I wanted, my throat tightened for a second.
I nodded anyway, ‘cause my gut kept tellin’ me to protect myself first, even if my heart hated the idea of keepin’ this from my husband.
They explained everything calm and clear, went over side effects, made sure I understood what I was takin’, and by the time they handed me the prescription, my emotions was all over the fuckin’ place.
I walked back out into the sun feelin’ lighter and heavier at the same damn time.
Pickin’ up the prescription was quick, but holdin’ that lil’ bag in my hand felt like holdin’ a secret that weighed more than it should have.
I stared at it in the car before pullin’ off, askin’ myself if I was really doin’ the right thing or if I was just delayin’ an inevitable conversation.
My mind kept goin’ back to Kay’Lo, to the way he looked at me when he realized somethin’ was off, and the guilt crept up my spine like it was tryna choke me.
By the time I pulled back into the mansion driveway, my chest was tight again.
I walked inside slow, half expectin’ to hear Kay’Lo’s voice or see his shoes by the door, but the house was quiet.
Relief washed over me instantly, and I hated myself a lil’ for feelin’ it.
I set my purse down, walked through the area like I was tryna make sure he really wasn’t there, and when I confirmed I was alone, I finally let out the breath I been holdin’.
I tucked the pills away like they was contraband, hidin’ them somewhere I knew he wouldn’t look, which was in my night stand under a stack of journals and stood there for a minute starin’ at nothin’.
A part of me felt like a coward, like I was choosin’ the easy route instead of facin’ my husband head on, but another part of me knew I was doin’ what I needed to do to stay sane.
My gut ain’t never really lied to me, and right now it was screamin’ to slow everything down before shit got even messier.
The quiet in the house started feelin’ too loud, and the guilt kept creepin’ back in no matter how hard I tried to shake it.
I hated that I hurt Kay’Lo durin’ sex. I hated that I made him question somethin’ that was supposed to be our safe space, and I hated that I wasn’t strong enough yet to explain all of this to him without feelin’ like I was breakin’ us apart.
I loved that man, and the last thing I wanted was to lose him, but I also knew I couldn’t ignore my fear just to keep the peace.
That’s when Pluto popped into my head.
She was the only person who really knew both sides of what me and Kay’Lo was goin’ through, and even though she was with Pressure and Pressure was Kay’Lo’s cousin, I trusted her.
We both had built somethin’ real, confided in each other in ways that felt safe, and right now I needed that.
I needed to say this shit out loud to somebody who wouldn’t judge me or run back and tell my husband everything.
I grabbed my phone and called her before I could talk myself out of it.
She answered quick, her voice warm like always, and the second she said my name, my chest cracked just enough for the words to come out. I asked her if I could come over ‘cause I needed to talk, and she ain’t hesitate not one bit.
“Of course,” she told me.
She told me to come through, and that alone made my eyes burn with emotion I wasn’t ready to unpack.
I ain’t even change clothes. I grabbed my purse, took one last look around the house, and walked back out the door with my heart heavy and my mind loud, knowin’ I was carryin’ a secret that could change everything once it came to light.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
By the time I reached Pluto and Pressure’s mansion, I already felt like my chest was sittin’ too tight for my own comfort, like everything I been holdin’ in was startin’ to stack on top of itself whether I was ready or not.
I parked in the long ass driveway and sat there for a second with my hands still on the wheel, just breathin’ and remindin’ myself that I wasn’t crazy for feelin’ the way I did, even if it felt messy and complicated and not as clear as everybody expected it to be.