Chapter 10 - Toni Roc
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
Sha’Nelle was in town so I was tryna make the best of it but the truth was, my heart wasn’t in half the shit my body was doin’.
The sun was long gone by the time we ended up out by the pool, and the sky had that deep purple and blue mix that usually made me feel calm, but tonight it ain’t do shit for me.
I had a cup in my hand and smoke curlin’ up from the blunt between my fingers, music playin’ low but clear through the speaker, and Sha’Nelle posted up on one of the lounge chairs.
She kept lookin’ around like she still couldn’t believe this was really my life now, like she was waitin’ for somebody to jump out and say it was all a joke.
“Cousin,” she said, takin’ a sip of her drink and smilin’ wide. “This shit is crazy. I mean, look at this place. Pool, palm trees, big ass house. You really did that.”
I nodded and forced a smile, even though my chest felt tight. “Yeah,” I said. “It’s nice.”
She laughed. “Nice? Bitch, this is rich people nice. This ain’t even regular rich. This that movie shit.”
I chuckled soft and took a pull from the blunt, lettin’ the smoke sit in my lungs longer than I should’ve.
Sha’Nelle was in love with every inch of the mansion, from the way the water shimmered in the pool lights to the way the house sat back from the road like it ain’t have to answer to nobody.
She kept sayin’ how proud she was of me, how I made it up out the ghetto and married a man with real power, and I let her talk ‘cause I ain’t have the energy to correct her.
From the outside, yeah, it probably looked like I was livin’ a fairytale, but inside, shit was cracked all the way through.
I kept checkin’ my phone without even realizin’ I was doin’ it.
Every few minutes, my eyes dropped to the screen like it was gon’ light up on its own.
It didn’t matter that I had told Kay’Lo to leave me the fuck alone earlier, ‘cause that didn’t stop the part of me that still wanted him to reach out.
It was a deep pull, that sit low in your stomach and don’t give a damn about pride or logic.
The same man that hurt me so bad earlier had me wishin’ he was right here with his arms around me, tellin’ me everything was gon’ be alright like he always did.
I took another sip of my drink and leaned back, starin’ up at the night sky.
The weed and liquor had my body feelin’ light, but my mind was loud as hell.
I kept seein’ his face in my head, the way he looked at me when I was cryin’, like he wanted to reach for me but ain’t know how no more.
I knew he said some fucked up shit, and I knew it crossed a line you can’t just erase, but deep down I also knew he ain’t mean it the way it came out.
That ain’t make it hurt any less, though.
Sha’Nelle glanced over at me, her smile slowin’ when she noticed I had gone quiet. “You good, bitch?” she asked.
I shook my head and laughed without humor. I was too high and too buzzed to lie, and honestly, I didn’t want to. “Nah,” I said. “I’m really not.”
She sat her drink down and turned toward me, her voice softer now. “You still thinkin’ about Kay’Lo?”
I nodded and ran my fingers through my hair, lettin’ out a long breath. “I can’t stop,” I admitted. “I tried, but my mind just keep goin’ back to him.”
“Did he try to call you?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Not since earlier. He did call, though, and I went the fuck off on him and hung up.”
Sha’Nelle sucked her teeth lightly. “Mmm. That nigga always been a lot.”
I smirked a lil’ at that and took another hit. “Yeah.”
She tilted her head, studyin’ my face. “I told you from the jump he was crazy.”
I went quiet for a second, then shook my head slow. “He not crazy,” I said, lower than before. “He just… passionate.”
The word felt strange comin’ out my mouth, and I realized this was the first time I had ever described him like that instead of callin’ him crazy or unhinged.
Sha’Nelle caught it too, ‘cause her eyebrows lifted just a lil’ but she ain’t say nothin’.
Sayin’ it out loud made my heart ache even more, ‘cause it reminded me how much I missed him, and how much I wished shit could be different.
“I don’t wanna talk about him no more,” I said finally, not trustin’ myself to keep goin’ down that road.
Sha’Nelle smiled and picked her drink back up. “Say less. Fuck him for tonight.”
She clinked her glass against mine, and I returned the gesture, even though my heart wasn’t celebratin’ shit.
The night kept movin’ slow, the music changin’ songs, the pool water reflectin’ the lights, and Sha’Nelle kept laughin’ and tellin’ stories like she was tryna pull me back into the moment.
I laughed with her when I could, smoked when the blunt came back around, and drank enough to take the edge off, but no matter what I did, Kay’Lo stayed in my head.
Eventually, the weed had us both feelin’ heavy and tired, and Sha’Nelle stretched and yawned.
I walked her to one of the guest rooms, showin’ her the big bed and the bathroom like it was a hotel.
She looked impressed all over again, but when she hugged me goodnight, she held me a lil’ tighter than normal, like she could feel my heart was fucked up.
“Get some rest,” she said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Night.”
I went back to my room after that, the house feelin’ too quiet without Kay’Lo in it.
I changed clothes and crawled into the bed on my side, the sheets still smellin’ faintly like him, and that shit damn near took me out.
I grabbed my phone and opened his contact, my thumb hoverin’ over his name while my heart raced.
I wanted to call him so bad, just to hear his voice and know he was okay, but I knew it wasn’t the right move.
Every time I thought about the look in his eyes earlier, I got back in my damn feelin’s.
I pulled my knees up, curlin’ into myself like I was tryna hold the ache in place.
The hours passed slow as hell, each minute feelin’ like ten, and I kept checkin’ my phone even though I already knew it wasn’t gon’ light up.
Part of me felt guilty, like I had abandoned my man when he was hurt too, but another part of me knew Kay’Lo was strong enough to protect himself and find his way, even if that meant doin’ it without me for now.
I stared at the dark room, listenin’ to the faint sounds of the house settlin’, and wished more than anything that he would come home in the middle of the night and crawl into bed behind me like he used to.
I wanted to feel his arm around my waist and his breath on my neck.
I wanted to pretend none of this shit ever happened.
As the night kept draggin’ on and his side of the bed stayed empty, reality finally sank in.
This wasn’t gon’ be fixed tonight.
I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, lettin’ the tears come quietly, and admitted somethin’ I ain’t wanna face yet.
Whatever me and Kay’Lo used to be, whatever bond we had that felt unbreakable, it ain’t feel like I was ever gon’ get that exact version back again. And that thought hurt worse than anything we had said to each other all day.
DAYS LATER
For the past three days, me and Sha’Nelle had been movin’ around Trill-Land like we was on some soft vacation shit, even though my heart wasn’t really in vacation mode at all.
I was doin’ my best to make sure my cousin enjoyed herself, ‘cause I hadn’t seen her in a minute and I knew she needed this break just as much as I did, but at the same time everything felt a lil’ off without my husband right next to me.
Three days wasn’t long to most people, but for me and Kay’Lo, it felt like a lifetime had slid by with no words exchanged and no check-ins and no “where you at” texts in the middle of the night.
We had been everywhere since she landed.
We hit the high-end mall that sat right along the water, the one with the glass storefronts and security everywhere, and Sha’Nelle had her mouth open the whole time like she couldn’t believe this was really my life.
She kept grabbin’ my arm and whisperin’ how everything out here felt expensive and unreal, like the air itself had money in it.
We went store to store and she tried on shoes she swore she would never buy back home, and I let her ‘cause I wanted her to feel what I felt when I first moved here. It was that feelin’ of knowin’ you made it out and landed somewhere completely different.
The second night we went out, just us, no expectations, just music and drinks and loud laughs.
The club was packed with niggas that looked like they stepped out a magazine and women dressed like they knew exactly what they was doin’ with their bodies.
Sha’Nelle kept leanin’ close to me yellin’ over the music about how the men out here was different.
She said they walked different and talked different and even smelled different, and every time one of ‘em looked her way she smiled like she was already in love. I laughed and nodded along, even though every time I looked around all I could think about was how Kay’Lo used to pull me close in places like this and make the whole room disappear.
Durin’ the day we kept it lighter. We ate good as hell, seafood spots with open patios and views of the water where the breeze stayed cool and the drinks never stopped flowin’.
We walked through markets and took pictures and joked about how our mamas would react if they could see us now.
Sha’Nelle was eatin’ it up and I loved that for her, but every time my phone buzzed my heart jumped before my mind could catch up. And every single time, it wasn’t him.
I checked my phone like it was my job. I checked it when I woke up and checked it before I went to sleep and even woke up in the middle of the night just to see if I missed somethin’, but there was nothin’.
No missed calls. No texts. No “you good?” And the fucked up part was I knew where he was.
Pluto had told me without me even askin’.
She just slid it into conversation like it was casual, and I hated how relieved and hurt that made me at the same damn time.
Knowin’ he was layin’ his head at Pressure’s place made it feel real, like this separation wasn’t just some emotional moment that would pass by mornin’.
On the third day, Pluto met us for lunch, and it felt good to see her smile in person instead of just talkin’ on the phone.
We sat outside under a shaded patio with a table full of food and mimosas already sweatin’ in tall glasses.
We had shrimp and grits, crab cake eggs benedict, fresh fruit, and warm bread with butter that melted the second it touched it.
Sha’Nelle and Pluto clicked almost immediately, laughin’ about random shit and talkin’ about fashion and cosmetics like they had known each other longer than a couple hours.
I watched them and felt full in a way I hadn’t felt in days.
This was my world collidin’ in a way that felt right.
My cousin from home and my sister who knew my life out here sittin’ at the same table with me like it was always meant to be this way.
We laughed and talked about the three of us goin’ out together soon, about how Sha’Nelle needed a Trill-Land night done the right way, and for a moment I forgot how heavy my heart had been feelin’.
Then Pluto looked at me a lil’ too long. It was that knowin’ look she always had when she was about to say some shit that mattered.
“You know Zurie been asking about you,” she said casually, but her eyes stayed on mine. “And Prestyn and Kaylon miss they mama.”
That did somethin’ to me. I smiled without even thinkin’ about it and nodded. “I miss them too,” I said, and I meant that shit. Those kids had a way of makin’ everything feel lighter, like no matter how messy grown folks got, love was still simple to them.
Pluto laughed and took a sip of her drink. “You been a horrible mama these past few days,” she joked, and Sha’Nelle laughed with her.
“It ain’t even like that,” I said, shakin’ my head, but I couldn’t stop smilin’. “Life been lifin’.”
“Well,” Pluto said, pointin’ her glass at me, “you should come see them after this. Zurie gon’ be mad at me if you don’t come.”
My stomach dropped, even though I kept my face cool. I nodded anyway. “Yeah. We can stop by.”
Sha’Nelle looked at me sideways but ain’t say nothin’. Lunch wrapped up easy after that, with more jokes and clinkin’ glasses, and then we all hugged and went in different directions. The second I slid into the driver’s seat, the weight came right back.
The drive to Pluto and Pressure’s place felt longer than it should have, even though I had been there a thousand times.
My hands stayed tight on the wheel and my chest felt like it was fillin’ up with somethin’ thick and uncomfortable.
Sha’Nelle talked about how she couldn’t wait to see the house and the kids, but her voice started to fade in the background as my thoughts got louder.
I ain’t know if Kay’Lo was there at this very moment.
Pluto hadn’t said that part out loud, and I ain’t ask ‘cause I ain’t want the answer to scare me out of doin’ what I already agreed to.
Three days without seein’ my husband felt unnatural, like my body knew somethin’ was wrong before my mind could catch up.
We had never gone this long without talkin’, not even in our worst moments, and the idea of seein’ him after all this silence had my stomach twistin’ up in knots.
When the gates came into view, my throat went dry.
I slowed the car as the security recognized me and the gates started to open, and every inch forward felt heavy with anticipation.
I swallowed hard and took a breath, remindin’ myself that I was here for the kids and not to start nothin’.
Still, my heart was beatin fast enough that I could feel it in my ears.
I pulled inside and parked next to Pressure’s cars, my hands shakier than I wanted them to be, and before I even opened the door I had to pause and collect myself. I ain’t know what today was gon’ bring, but I knew one thing for sure.
Whatever happened next, it was about to change somethin’, ‘cause me and Kay’Lo had never stood on opposite sides like this before, and I could feel that tension sittin’ right beneath the surface, waitin’ on the moment we locked eyes again.