Chapter 12 TONI ROC #2
Me and Sha’Nelle was in the kitchen while My’Love slept a few feet away in her swing, her little body rockin’ slow while she rested, and the whole house felt calm in a way I was still gettin’ used to.
It wasn’t quiet in a lonely way, but was peaceful, like everything had finally settled after so much goin’ on, and for once I wasn’t rushin’ to catch my breath.
Sha’Nelle stood next to me at the sink rinsin’ out bottles while I dried them off and set them aside, both of us movin’ around each other easy like we had already found our rhythm in this new routine.
“You know grandma been askin’ about the baby?” she said, glancin’ at me.
“I sent her pictures,” I replied, keepin’ my focus on what I was doin’.
“I know,” she said, “but she wanna see you for real. She wanna see the baby.”
I slowed down a lil’, then reached for another bottle. “She too small right now,” I said. “I’m not takin’ her out there like that.”
Sha’Nelle looked at me for a second, and I knew she understood it wasn’t just about the baby bein’ small.
It was everything tied to our hometown. It was everything I went through there.
It was everything that still sat in the back of my mind even when I tried not to think about it, and on top of that, I already knew how Kay’Lo would react if I even brought it up.
“I’m just sayin’… think about it,” she said.
“I will,” I answered, even though I already knew I wasn’t ready for that.
Some time passed after that, and I found myself sittin’ in the livin’ room with My’Love in my arms, burpin’ her after breastfeedin’. Her little body pressed against me while I rubbed her back slow and listened to the soft sounds she made while she settled.
The front door opened not long after, and I looked up just as Kay’Lo walked in with Kelli behind him.
“Hey,” I said, shiftin’ My’Love just a lil’ against my shoulder.
“Hello,” Kelli replied, noddin’ at me before his eyes dropped to My’Love, and for a second, his whole face softened.
He stepped a lil’ closer, not all in her space like everybody else be doin’, but enough to look at her for real, givin’ her a small smile while she rested against me like she ain’t have a care in the world.
“Hey, Ms. My’Love,” he said low, his voice calm as ever.
Kay’Lo reached his hand out, and Kelli tapped it, givin’ him a quick shake like they always did.
“I’m about to grab something from my room,” Kelli said, already startin’ to move past us. “I’ll be outside in a minute.”
“A’ight,” Kay’Lo replied, not really lookin’ away from me or the baby.
Kelli gave My’Love one last glance, noddin’ like he approved of her or somethin’, then kept it movin’ down the hall toward his room, quiet as usual.
Kay’Lo had on his suit, his tie loosened a lil’, and even though he looked good like he always did, I could tell somethin’ was sittin’ on him before he even said a word. It was in his face, in the way he moved, and in the way his energy felt off without him havin’ to say it out loud.
I mean… this trial was just draggin’ so I understood why he was always annoyed by the time he got home.
“You good?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he said real dry.
That was all he gave me, and I knew him well enough to know that wasn’t everything, but before I could even push it, My’Love shifted in my arms and started cryin’ the second she heard his voice.
It wasn’t no soft fuss either. She went from quiet to irritated real fast, her tiny face scrunchin’ up while she let it out like she had been waitin’ on him.
Kay’Lo looked right at her. “Daddy comin’, mama,” he said low. “Let me shower and get out these clothes.”
But she wasn’t tryna hear that at all, and her cry got louder while I tried to calm her down, rockin’ her a lil’ while she moved against me.
“It’s ’cause she heard you,” I said, shakin’ my head. “Every time she hear yo’ voice she start actin’ up.”
A small smirk pulled at his mouth, and he stepped closer, leanin’ down just enough to press a kiss at the corner of her mouth while his voice dropped softer.
“A’ight, relax… I’m right here, ma.”
She quieted just a lil’, not all the way, but enough for me to see she recognized him.
I sat here watchin’ him for a second longer than I probably should have, waitin’ to see if he was gon’ look at me the same way he was lookin’ at our baby.
I was waitin’ to see if he was gon’ lean in and kiss me too, but he didn’t.
He straightened back up and walked off without sayin’ anything else, and I sat there for a second holdin’ my baby, feelin’ that small irritation I ain’t even realize had been buildin’ until this moment.
It wasn’t loud or dramatic, and it wasn’t somethin’ I could point to directly, but it was there. It was that space between us that hadn’t been there when I was in labor, when he was all over me, lovin’ on me, talkin’ to me, and makin’ me feel like I was the only thing on his mind.
Now it felt like everything in him had shifted toward our baby, and even though I understood it, and even though I loved seein’ him like that, there was still a part of me that felt the difference in a way I couldn’t ignore.
When he came back into the livin’ room later, he had showered and changed clothes, and I ain’t even gon’ lie, the sight of him caught me off guard a lil’.
He was shirtless with grey sweatpants hangin’ low on his hips, a short glass in his hand with brown liquor in it, and for a second my eyes dropped before I could stop myself, catchin’ his dick print through the fabric.
It was thick and curved in a way that made my stomach tighten up without warnin’.
And just that quick look alone had me sittin’ here in my feelin’s, ’cause it had been weeks on top of weeks since I felt him inside of me, and seein’ him like this, relaxed in his own skin, movin’ around like nothin’ had changed, made it hit me all over again how much I missed my husband in that way.
He set his glass down on the table and reached for My’Love without sayin’ a word, liftin’ her up in front of him while he looked at her, and she looked right back at him, her eyes open and locked on his face like she already knew exactly who he was.
“There she go,” he murmured, his voice softer now.
He leaned in and kissed her forehead, her cheek, then her lips. He was takin’ his time with her like nothin’ else mattered, and when he told her he loved her, it came out low and real in a way that made my chest feel tight.
Then he laid her against his chest, his hand spread over her back while he held her there, and just like that, she settled into her little body relaxin’ like she had found exactly where she wanted to be.
I sat there watchin’ them, takin’ it in.
I watched how natural it came to him, how easy it was for him to love her, how deep it ran without him even havin’ to think about it, and it made me smile ’cause I loved that for my girl.
I loved that she had Kay’Lo like this. I loved that he showed up for her in every way I knew he would.
But at the same time, I couldn’t ignore the way my heart pulled. Of course, it wasn’t out of jealousy, but out of want, ’cause I missed my man in that way, and sittin’ here watchin’ him pour all of that into our baby made me realize just how much I still needed that part of him too.
It was the middle of the night and I ain’t feel Kay’Lo in bed next to me.
At first, I ain’t even open my eyes all the way.
I just reached out, slid my hand across the sheets, expectin’ to bump into him somewhere on the other side like I usually did when he got up in the middle of the night.
Sometimes he’d be sittin’ up with his back against the headboard, other times he’d be on the edge of the bed rubbin’ his hands together like his mind was movin’ faster than his body could keep up, and then there was nights when he’d already be up walkin’ the room with My’Love in his arms, whisperin’ to her low.
But this time, when my hand moved across the bed, I ain’t find him nowhere, and all I felt was cold sheets where he should’ve been.
My hand just kept movin’ over cold sheets until it stopped, and that was what made my eyes finally open all the way as I blinked up at the ceilin’, lettin’ it register that he wasn’t in here at all.
I turned my head slow, lookin’ toward the other side of the room, expectin’ to see him walkin’ back and forth with our baby like he usually did, but the room was quiet, and that shit ain’t sit right with me.
That was when I pushed myself up on my elbows and looked toward the bassinet. And my heart dropped straight into my stomach when I saw it was empty.
I sat up so fast it made my head spin for a second, but I ain’t even care about that ’cause all I could think about was the fact that my baby wasn’t where she was supposed to be and Kay’Lo wasn’t in the room either.
Now I knew he would never hurt her. That wasn’t even a thought that sat right in my mind, but at the same time, I knew how he got at night, and I knew how his mind would take off on him sometimes.
Even though he had been good, even though My’Love had been keepin’ him calm in ways I had never seen before, I still couldn’t ignore that small piece of fear that crept in anyway.
“Kay’Lo?” I called out, my voice still thick with sleep, but there was an edge to it now that I couldn’t hide, and when he ain’t answer me, that uneasy feelin’ settled in deeper than I liked.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up quick, not even botherin’ to grab nothin’ or put nothin’ on as I stepped out into the hallway. My heart started to beat faster with every second that passed.
The house was quiet at first, and just when that feelin’ started settlin’ in, I heard my baby cryin’.
It wasn’t that soft lil’ fuss she did when she was hungry or needed to be changed, but a full cry, loud and sharp that hit straight through me and made my chest tighten up instantly.
“Oh my God…” I whispered, already movin’ faster down the hall.
I ain’t even realize how fast I was goin’ until my foot slipped a lil’ and I had to catch myself on the rail, damn near twistin’ my ankle in the process, but I ain’t stop.
I couldn’t stop. All I could hear was her screamin’ and my mind runnin’ ahead of me, tryna make sense of what I was walkin’ into before I even got there.
Then I heard ’Lo’s voice, low and close, like he was tryna calm her down, and the second the words reached me—“Mama… you drunk it all… daddy don’t know what else to do…”—I ain’t need nothin’ else to figure out where they was or what was goin’ on.
I followed the sound down the hall, my steps quick and uneven until I saw him.
Kay’Lo was walkin’ back and forth with My’Love in his arms, holdin’ her close to his chest while she cried into him, her little face red and her mouth open wide as she screamed like she was frustrated more than anything else.
He had the empty bottle in his hand, lookin’ down at it like it had personally failed him, then back at her like he was tryna figure out what to do next.
“Mama, I just fed you,” he muttered, his voice rough from sleep and tension at the same time. “You ain’t even leave me nothin’ to work with…”
The sight of it made all that panic I had just had fall off, and I let out a breath I ain’t even realize I had been holdin’ as I stepped toward him.
I walked straight up to him and reached for my baby, and the second I had her in my arms, I pulled her close to my chest, lettin’ her feel me, and settle against me the way she always did.
“It’s okay… it’s okay, mama…” I murmured, rubbin’ her back slow while I kissed the top of her head, feelin’ her cry start to ease little by little as she pressed into me.
Her tiny fingers curled against me, her body relaxin’ just enough for me to know she was comin’ down from it, and I kept rubbin’ her, keepin’ my voice low while I rocked her gently in my arms.
“I got you… you good…” I murmured to her, keepin’ my hand movin’ over her back while she settled against me, and behind me I could feel Kay’Lo just standin’ there, quiet.
Even though I knew he was right there, I ain’t turn around.
I just stood for a second with my baby in my arms, lettin’ her calm down before I did anything else.
When I finally turned around, I saw Kay’Lo still standin’ in the same spot with the empty bottle hangin’ loose in his hand, his eyes on us in a way that made me feel some type of way.
He ain’t look out of control, or lost either. If anything, he just looked tired and a lil’ confused, like he had been tryna figure it out on his own and came up short. That was the part that sat with me the most ’cause I knew exactly what that felt like.
But even with all that sittin’ here between us, I ain’t say nothin’.
I just adjusted My’Love against my chest and turned, walkin’ past him without a word as I made my way back down the hall toward our room.
I could feel his eyes on my back the whole time, but I ain’t stop, look back, or say a single word while I kept goin’.
By the time I got back into the room, I eased down on the bed with my baby still in my arms, holdin’ her close while I leaned back against the headboard and let my hand move slow over her back.
She had calmed all the way down now, her little body warm against mine.
I looked down at her, brushin’ my fingers over her cheek while she made a small sound in her sleep, and I kissed her forehead, lettin’ my lips linger there for a second.
“She just wanted her mama…” I whispered to myself more than anything.
But even as I said it, my mind went back to what I had just seen.
To Kay’Lo standin’ there with that empty bottle, lookin’ at her like he ain’t know what else to do.
To the way he had been talkin’ to her, walkin’ her back and forth.
To the fact that he had gotten up with her before I even woke up.
For some reason, I couldn’t fully settle into that the way I should’ve, ’cause instead of feelin’ relieved all the way, I just felt off in a way I couldn’t really explain.
I just felt… blah.
I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes for a second, still rubbin’ My’Love’s back.
Somewhere outside the door, I heard his footsteps comin’ back toward the room.
I just stayed right here with my baby in my arms, holdin’ her close while my mind sat in that same place I couldn’t quite name.
’Cause even though everything was fine and my baby was safe and ‘Lo had been to her, it still ain’t settle in me the way it should’ve, and that was the part that bothered me the most.