Chapter 14 #2
“Oh, it’s so nice to see the two of you together. This guy’s been so crazy over you for so long. You’re all he ever wanted to talk about,” Fillis said with a smile.
“That’s really sweet,” Remy said, smiling at Avery.
“And it was killin’ us not to be able to tell you how he felt about you!” Theresa chimed in. “I felt so bad. You were so upset, and Luce and I wanted to scream, Oh, my God, this guy is so nuts about you. You have no idea!”
Remy laughed and tucked her hair behind her ear. It was still a little strange to be fussed over, but at least they were talking about her and Avery and not her wretched family.
“Well, I’m just so happy you two worked it all out,” Fillis said. She turned to face Remy and spoke gently to her. “Now look, honey. I know you don’t know me from Adam. Or Eve, as it were, and I sure don’t want to get into your personal business…”
Remy felt her muscles tighten. She really didn’t want to discuss her personal trauma in front of all these people.
“But I heard you ain’t too close with your family. ‘Round here, we kinda make our own family.” Fillis glanced up at Jesse and Avery. “Now, I know it’s hard to b’lieve given the strong family resemblance and all, but we ain’t actually related!”
Fillis winked at Remy, and Remy laughed and began to relax a little. Fillis wasn’t just kind—she seemed like the type of person who knew what to say to put people at ease. She wouldn’t say anything to embarrass Remy.
“I want you to know that I’m so happy to welcome you to our family here. Lots of people ‘round here call me Second Mama, ‘cause they ain’t had their own mamas around for a long, long time. And I’m here to take care of ‘em ‘til they can go be at peace with their other families again.”
“That’s very kind of you,” Remy said. It was a comfort to know that Avery had someone to take care of him when she couldn’t be around.
“And I know it ain’t the same as comin’ from your own mama, but I want you to know I think you’re such a wonderful girl.
I only just met ya, but I feel like I know you already.
You’re a special young lady, Remy.” Fillis glanced over at Avery.
“You caught this one’s eye straight away, and not just ‘cause you’re pretty, neither!
He told me all ‘bout how kind you were to him and to everybody you meet.”
“Aye, that’s Remy, all right,” Avery said, smiling proudly.
Fillis was sure to look Remy in the eye when she spoke again. “You’re such a strong woman, Remy. I know you’ve been treated with cruelty, yet you still turn ‘round and treat people with kindness. I know that ain’t easy.”
Remy nodded. That was an enormous compliment coming from someone like Fillis. She had spent her life as a slave, and yet she loved so many Confederate soldiers with all of her incredible heart. That must have taken tremendous inner strength.
“And this one,” Fillis said, gesturing at Jesse and smiling fondly.
“I love him like he was my own little boy. I’ve been his honorary mama for more years than I can count.
I’ll never f’get, he was a nervous wreck on his first day on the job.
He was so scared he’s gonna get fired that he didn’t even tell Lucy he had a job yet! ”
Jesse chuckled and nodded. Remy knew that Jesse told Lucy everything, so he must have really been worried. She smiled softly, remembering the drop-dead sexy yet incredibly nervous guy who walked into the tour company that day. She had liked him immediately.
“He came and told me how nice that manager lady was and that she took good care of ‘im, makin’ ‘im feel welcome and tellin’ him he was gonna do just fine. Might seem a simple thing, but you don’t forget somebody who done a kindness to your child.”
Remy smiled warmly at Fillis, who was everything a mother should be.
Proud, strong, supportive. Loving. Remy already found herself tempted to call her Second Mama.
For a moment, she forgot to feel self-conscious about her family’s dirty laundry and simply felt at peace.
Remy could only hope she made others feel this good when she spoke to them.
“Thank you so much, Fillis,” Remy said, knowing her words couldn’t possibly express the gratitude she felt.
“Like I said, I know it ain’t the same as your own mama sayin’ it, but for what it’s worth, I’m proud of the wonderful woman you’ve made of yourself.”
“I’m proud of you, too,” Avery said, looking at her affectionately. He reached over and touched her cheek. It always felt like he was rubbing an ice cube on her face when he did that, but she loved it anyway. It was his way of telling her how much he wished he could touch her.
“I think that was always the hardest part for Jesse,” Fillis observed. “Not being able to touch Lucy.”
Remy nodded slowly. There was so much she wanted to say, so many feelings she’d kept bottled up for so long.
She’d never had close friends before, only casual acquaintances in high school and college, so there had never been anyone to confide in before.
Now, here in this brief moment of silence, she could feel the love and support from Avery, Fillis, Jesse, Lucy, and Theresa.
It really did feel like she had a family now, and she felt braver about opening up about her feelings.
“That’s the thing. It’s not just Avery,” Remy began softly.
She looked at Avery, then looked down, avoiding anyone’s gaze.
“But it’s like…no one touches me. I don’t exactly come from a touchy-feely family.
Even as a child, my parents never gave me much affection.
And now, I live by myself and all and, you know, aside from the occasional handshake or when I take a tourist’s hand to help them up the hill or something, I don’t have any physical contact with anyone. Sometimes I really miss that.”
“I never thought about that,” Jesse said quietly.
“When I was dead for so long, nobody could touch me, neither, but I didn’t miss it all that much because I couldn’t feel anything anyway.
Like bein’ hungry, I guess. You don’t really miss food when you’re a ghost, ‘cause you can’t eat and you don’t feel hungry.
But when you’re alive, you need food and water, and you need companionship. ”
Remy tentatively looked up at Jesse and nodded. She couldn’t help but feel like an unlovable, pathetic loser after confessing her thoughts out loud, but Jesse made it clear that he understood. She was grateful for his words.
Lucy stood up and walked over to where Remy sat. She held out her hands for Remy to take. Remy laughed a little self-consciously, but took Lucy’s hands and allowed her to pull her up to a standing position.
Lucy looked into Remy’s eyes and said, “I really do think of you as family. I love you like a sister. I hope you know that.”
Lucy wrapped her arms around Remy in a warm embrace. Remy closed her eyes as she felt Lucy’s warm body envelop hers. The last thing she wanted was pity, but it felt good to have some human contact.
“I think of you as a sister, too, girl,” Theresa said, jumping up so she could join them. She wrapped her arms around both Remy and Lucy in a warm group hug.
Remy laughed, but she held on to the two women for as long as she reasonably could.
She’d worked hard her whole life to put her past behind her, to forget her upbringing and to start a new life for herself, but inside sometimes she was still the little girl who craved love and affection.
She swallowed hard, afraid that if she started crying she’d never stop.
“Thanks, guys,” Remy said, loosening her grip a little. “I know it’s so stupid…”
“It’s not stupid,” Theresa said with uncharacteristic solemnness. “I come from a super touchy-feely family, and they make me nuts sometimes, but I never realized how much I took them for granted.” Then she brightened a bit and said, “You can hug me whenever you want, sis!”
“Me, too!” Lucy said, pulling Remy in for another hug.
Theresa leaned in and murmured in Remy’s ear, “And you know damn well that Avery would love to touch every inch of your body if he only had the chance!”
All three women laughed together, and any awkwardness Remy felt evaporated. It was like she was laughing with her sisters. They didn’t make her feel like a charity case. They made her feel loved.
Remy took a step back from Lucy and Theresa and was about to sit back down when she saw that Jesse had stood up and was walking toward her.
“Hey, do I get a hug?” Jesse asked.
Remy laughed. “Of course.”
“Actually, I want two hugs. This one is from me,” Jesse said, opening his arms and wrapping them around her.
The feel of his big, strong body against hers reminded her of how long it had been since any man had touched her.
The hug was warm and firm, the kind that was appropriate from a platonic male friend.
He pulled away, glanced over at Avery, and then back at Remy. “And this one’s from Avery.”
With that, he pulled her in for another hug. It was still firm, but gentler. Remy closed her eyes and imagined that it was Avery finally holding her.
Avery walked over and whispered in her ear, “Adhraím thú, Remy.”
Remy smiled, remembering the phrase. I adore you.
Jesse gently rubbed her back as he held her.
Remy squeezed her eyes tight, wishing with all her heart that Avery could hold her in his arms and never let go.
Of course, she was acutely aware that Jesse was the one touching her, but being lovingly held by a dear friend who cared deeply about her was wonderful in its own right.
And how thoughtful, how like Jesse, to think of such a sweet gesture.
Remy pulled back from Jesse and smiled. “Thank you, Jesse.” She looked over at Lucy, who was holding her hand over her heart and looking at Jesse adoringly. “And thanks for letting me borrow your boyfriend.”
Lucy laughed and nodded.
“Ugh! Okay, enough fussing over me!” Remy sat down on the ground, and the others followed suit. “So Fillis, do you know why you’re still here after all this time? What’s keeping you here?”
Lucy and Theresa both folded their arms at looked at Fillis, making her laugh.
“Oh, lordy, don’t you start, too!”
“What?” Remy asked.
“Them two been after me ‘bout that, too,” Fillis said, looking at Theresa and Lucy like they were her own stubborn yet lovable daughters.
“I’ve been telling her she should let Theresa counsel her, or at least she could talk with me about it,” Lucy said. “After all, I helped Joel cross over and I even helped him and Jesse become friends first. I am a miracle worker!”
Fillis and Jesse laughed heartily.
“Well, I cain’t argue with that. No, ma’am. You done the impossible.”
Lucy smiled proudly, but still looked concerned for Fillis. “You’ve done so much to help the others. Why won’t you let us help you?”
Fillis waved Lucy off, dismissing her own troubles.
“Fillis,” Lucy said gently. “I know how much you must miss her. I know we could help you go home to her if you only let us.”
Remy eyed Fillis curiously. Did she have a daughter like Avery?
“I done told you, I don’t want you fussin’ over me!” Fillis said kindly but firmly.
“Oh, I see. It’s okay to fuss over us, but we’re not allowed to return the favor?” Remy crossed her arms just as Theresa and Lucy had, so now all three of them were staring her down.
Fillis laughed, looking at the women with affection. She looked over at the guys. “Jesse! They’s gangin’ up on me!”
“Yep,” Jesse said, offering no further assistance.
“Who are you missing, Fillis?” Remy asked, and Fillis looked over at her with fondness. But she didn’t answer right away.
“A woman who was very dear to me,” Fillis said wearily.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Remy said. “But it seems only fair, since you know all about my life.”
Fillis laughed and shook her head. She looked over at Avery. “Oh, she’s good.”
“I know it!” Avery said. “I look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers and I’m under her command.”
Remy laughed and looked adoringly at Avery and sighed. He was so wonderful.
“Long and painful story told short,” Fillis said with a sad smile, “Back on the plantation in Virginia, me and the master’s wife were in love.
She was my secret lover for more than thirty years.
Spent most of my lifetime with her, but I lost her when her husband found out.
I had to run away. Got as far as Gettysburg when I fell sick and died. ”
It took Remy a moment to process Fillis’s words.
Fillis was a lesbian! It was strange how she never thought about gay people in the 1860s.
Naturally, there had been homosexuals around since the beginning of time, but only recently had it become a more common and accepted thing.
Not accepted enough, but certainly better than it had been for a long time.
“Helene is waiting for you, Fillis. You know that, right?” Lucy said softly. Jesse reached over and squeezed Lucy’s hand, looking sorrowful. He knew what it was like to be in love, and he must have known how painful it was for Fillis to be separated from her soulmate.
“Yes, I know that,” Fillis said.
“We can help you go home to her, Fillis,” Lucy said. “I know it!”
“I told you, I don’t want none of y’all fussin’ over me!”
“But Fillis, I know Theresa and I can help you, if you just let—”
“Lucy!” Fillis shouted. Oddly, she wasn’t angry even though she was yelling.
Fillis laughed and shook her head, looking at Lucy with her usual motherly love.
“Don’t you understand, child? I can go any time I want.
Whatever issues I had that kept me here, well I worked ‘em out long ago. But I cain’t go. Not while my boys need me.”
Everyone stared at Fillis and the truth dawned on them all.
Lucy’s eyes opened wide. She glanced over at Jesse, who looked equally shocked. “You stay for them,” she whispered, as the magnitude of her sacrifice sunk in.
Fillis snapped her head in a nod. “Now. That’s enough of that!”
Remy, Lucy, and Theresa looked at each other in astonishment. A silent understanding passed among them.
They were going to help Fillis go home to Helene.