Chapter 15
After the comfort that Fillis and the rest of Remy’s surrogate family had provided, she was more determined than ever to help Ellis. She was thrilled to find him in the usual spot at Culp’s Hill on Monday evening.
As usual, he glowered at her when she approached. “I was afraid you’d come back.”
“No, you were hoping I’d be back. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here,” Remy said, calling his bluff.
“Don’t flatter yourself, ya whore. I’d have been here anyway.”
“You know, I’m pretty patient, but I’m not a saint.
There’s only so much abuse I’m gonna take until I finally just give up on you,” Remy informed him.
She wasn’t even angry. He’d said much worse to her before, and “whore” was his generic, knee-jerk insult.
However, she was tired of playing games with him.
He wanted and needed her help and companionship, and they both knew it.
It was best for both of them if they quit wasting time.
Ellis glanced up at her, his expression unreadable.
“You and I both know you’re lonely. You don’t have anybody and until recently, neither did I. I want to help you and be your friend, but I deserve better than to be called a whore.”
Ellis looked away and, after a moment, he mumbled, “You’re right. Sorry.”
Remy was shocked that he had apologized. That was the biggest breakthrough with him yet.
“Why were you alone?” he asked.
Remy let out a sigh. “I want to tell you, but I’m afraid you might throw it back in my face.”
He shrugged slightly and nodded. They both knew he was capable of cutting people down by saying the cruelest thing he could think of. Telling him any of her secrets was a risk as it provided him with ammunition.
Remy watched him for a moment. He looked sad and lonely. Devoid of any hope. Finally, she said, “My parents neglected me for most of my life. They were sorry I was born and had no problem saying so.”
The glimpse of compassion on Ellis’s face was gone as quickly as it came, but it was there. And it was real.
Ellis put his head down and said bluntly, “Yeah, we all got our problems. My mother touched me in ways you ain’t supposed to touch a kid.”
Shockwaves coursed through Remy’s body at his startling confession. “My God, I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
“I don’t want your pity!” Ellis roared, probably regretting what he’d told her.
“Well, too bad!” Remy shot back, even though she understood completely how he felt. She hated being pitied, too. “You were just a child. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m really sorry that happened to you. No wonder you hate women so much. We’re not all like that, you know.”
“Wish I could believe that,” he mumbled, glaring in her direction. At least now she understood more why he found it so hard to trust her or anyone else.
“You don’t have to tell me the rest, but I get the feeling there’s more,” Remy said.
Ellis nodded. As always, he took his time in responding, and Remy patiently waited.
“Yeah. There’s more. Never had nobody who cared ‘bout me my whole life. Nobody. Then I found a girl. I loved her, and she loved me. Or least I thought she did. She turned out to be a slut just like all women. Sorry,” he said, mumbling an apology to Remy that didn’t seem quite as sincere as the last time.
“Turns out she was whoring around with some other guy. Wrote and told me all ‘bout how she was sorry but she met somebody else. Happened while I was off and fightin’. Got her letter the day before the Gettysburg battle.”
Remy’s heart ached as she listened to Ellis’s story.
Each word he uttered was drenched in pain.
She imagined how she would feel in his situation.
If Avery were alive and he cheated on her just when she thought she’d found someone who actually cared for her.
It would have been devastating. She remembered Ellis telling her about what he’d done to those men in the Railroad Cut.
I was havin’ a real bad day that day. Real bad.
And killin’ folks has a way of makin’ you feel better, ya know?
She knew being dumped by a woman was certainly no excuse for murder, but at least she understood what was going on in his head and heart during that awful day.
“Every day I was in camp I thought about her. What our life would be like if I made it back home alive. I was gonna ask her to marry me if I got back. Jane. That was her name. She was a small girl. Brown eyes. Really long brown hair. She looked so much like—”
“Lucy,” Remy finished for him, finally understanding his irrational fury at her friend.
“Yeah,” Ellis nodded grimly. “When I first saw Lucy…my God, I couldn’t believe the resemblance. If I still had a beatin’ heart it woulda stopped. And every time I see her fawnin’ all over that man of hers, I keep picturing Jane spreadin’ her legs for some other guy like the cheap slut she was.”
“Ellis, I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that was for you.”
“No pity, goddammit!” Ellis yelled.
Remy nodded. Ellis knew she cared about him, and that would have to be enough. He couldn’t handle her expressing sympathy out loud.
“Good thing your boyfriend is dead. Least you know for sure he ain’t stickin’ his dick in other women.”
Remy grimaced. She was no prude, but she wished Ellis wouldn’t be so vulgar. She rather enjoyed being around gentlemen like Jesse and Avery, who would never speak like that in front of a lady.
“He would never do that, Ellis. Even if he was alive.”
“You’re an idiot if you think that,” Ellis said. “You better watch out. You trust him too much. You trust everybody too much.”
Remy could hardly blame him for not wanting to trust anyone ever again. She’d be jaded, too, if she’d been through what he had suffered.
“I know it’s painful for you to be around Lucy, and that it brings up terrible memories, but it’s not fair to take it out on her. She’s a wonderful person who wouldn’t hurt anyone if her life depended on it. And she’s my friend. Please don’t hurt her anymore.”
Ellis looked into Remy’s pleading eyes.
“I’ll try,” he grumbled. “Can’t get near her anyhow with your boyfriend standin’ watch.”
Remy smiled at the thought of Avery standing guard to protect her and Lucy. She remembered how furious he was when Jesse told him that Ellis had been harassing her, too. He wouldn’t be too thrilled if he knew where I was right now, she thought.
“Will you consider coming to the counseling group?” Remy asked.
“No fucking way.”
“Ellis,” Remy said gently, “don’t you want to cross over?”
Ellis shook his head.
“Why not? Why would you want to stay here like this? Is there somebody here on earth you don’t want to leave?”
“No. I got nobody. Never had anybody in life, and I don’t got nobody now.”
“You have me.”
Ellis snorted at that, but didn’t argue.
Remy let the issue drop for now. Knowing Ellis, he would tell her eventually, but he needed time.
“I have to go for now. Tomorrow I want to go see Avery, but Wednesday I’ll come back to be with you.”
Remy got up and looked down at him. She couldn’t help but wish for some form of acknowledgment for her efforts. And for putting up with him.
Ellis lifted his head and looked at her. It wasn’t often that she got a good look at his face under that big black hat. His dark eyes had softened somewhat, and he didn’t look quite so creepy anymore.
“Okay, Remy. See ya then.”
* * *
As always, Remy relished Avery’s sweet smile and look of eager anticipation when he saw her approach Little Round Top. She had spoken to him briefly during the earlier tours during the day, but she’d been busy with talkative tourists. This time in the evening was just for the two of them.
“Hello, beautiful,” Avery said.
“Hello, handsome,” she responded with a smile.
“Sit down, darling. You must be exhausted.”
“I am,” Remy said wearily. It had been a good day but a busy one. At least the weather was cooling down a bit as it was early fall. Being out in the heat all day wore her out.
Remy let out a sigh. As much as she loved talking with Avery, she wasn’t particularly looking forward to this conversation. She despised keeping secrets from him, and she figured she owed it to him to tell him about her friendship with Ellis.
“You all right?” Avery asked with concern.
“Yes. It’s just that… Okay, if I tell you something, will you promise not to be mad at me?”
Avery looked perplexed and a little worried. “Okay. I’ll try.”
“Lately, I’ve been talking a lot with someone.”
“You met someone else,” Avery said, a look of devastation crossing his face.
“No!” Remy cried. “God, no, Avery. Of course not!”
“Oh,” Avery said, looking incredibly relieved.
“Avery, darling, you’re the only man in my life. Romantically, anyway. It’s just…I’ve been talking a lot with Ellis George lately, and we’ve kind of become friends.”
“Remy!” Avery cried. He didn’t seem angry. He looked terrified for her safety. “Why would you go anywhere near that horrible man?”
“I know it’s hard to understand. I didn’t tell you at first because I didn’t want you to worry, but I don’t want to have any secrets between us. The guy is all alone, and I know exactly what that feels like.”
Avery nodded sorrowfully. “I don’t like you goin’ anywhere near that guy. With us both bein’ spirits, I don’t have any way of protecting you from him!”
“I don’t need protecting from him, Avery,” Remy said, feeling incredibly touched by his concern. “He’s a sad, lonely man who had a terrible family like I did.”
“You shouldn’t trust him, Remy!”
“He said the same thing about you,” Remy said. She instantly regretted it as she realized that was hardly helping her case.
“Why would he say something like that?” Avery said, his eyes flashing in anger.
“Because he’s been hurt very badly. He also thinks Lucy and Jesse will cheat on each other and split up.”
Avery actually laughed at that and shook his head. “Then he doesn’t know them too well, does he?”