Chapter Nine
CHAPTER NINE
Finn
“Are you okay to start with that wall?” Gem asked, nodding at the far side of the shop as he tipped thick paint into a tray. The shade was called Cornflower White, but right now it just looked like wet cement and seemed to have the same consistency as well.
“Sure,” I said, picking up one of the paint rollers I’d just finished unwrapping and giving the roller a little spin. The whole of the downstairs floor was covered in dust sheets, and Gem had carefully taped up the skirting boards, door, and window frames with green masking tape that smelt like dried fish. I’d dug out a pair of very old jeans and an even older hoodie, which were both already covered in paint splatters from various rounds of redecorating at my parents’ and siblings’ houses.
“Cheers.” Gem switched to filling another tray. “Hopefully it won’t take too long with both of us. I was thinking if we can at least get one coat on the downstairs this evening, then we can do upstairs tomorrow, and then slap another coat on down here the day after. Or whenever we get time.” He put the large tub of paint down and looked around the room. “It’s definitely going to need two coats just to make sure it’s got an even finish.”
I nodded. “Agreed, but you’re right. It shouldn’t take us too long. Not unless you intend to start a paint fight.” Gem shot me a wry smile and raised an eyebrow.
“Eli?”
“How did you guess?” I shook my head, smiling at the memory. “I was fourteen, and Eli was sixteen. It was the summer before Richard went to university, and I think it was just before he got his A-level results. I know he was very grumpy all the time, and Eli was antagonising him more than usual. Maybe because he was also waiting for exam results.” I shrugged. “Anyway, Mum wanted to repaint the living room because it hadn’t been done since they’d first moved in, and she’d decided we were all old enough not to draw on the walls or anything like that.” In hindsight, Mum thinking Eli was mature had been a fatal mistake. He’d been a sixteen-year-old boy who didn’t like his oldest brother. “I volunteered to help and so did Jules, Eli, and Lewis. Oscar was working a lot that summer, so he wasn’t around much, and Richard was just… being Richard.” Eli often called him Dick, and while I hesitated to agree, teenage Richard had certainly lived up to the name.
“Why do I get the feeling I know where this is going?”
“You probably do,” I said. “It started well, and then Eli put some music on. It was just, like, rock music, the sort of stuff he still uses for his routines, but Richard didn’t like it. He kept coming in and telling us to turn it down. Eli kept turning it up. Then Richard came in and started swearing at Eli, and he grabbed Eli’s iPod to force him to turn it off. So Eli threw paint at him. Literally just grabbed the open paint tub and threw it at him. And Mum’s living room has a feature wall that’s bright teal…” I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. It hadn’t been funny at the time. I’d been so anxious with all the yelling and the screaming—Richard hurling curses and death threats at Eli while Eli said he deserved it. I’d just wanted to curl into a ball in the corner.
“Fucking hell.” Gem was staring at me. “Like all over him?”
“Well, he missed Richard’s face. Eli isn’t stupid. But yes, his whole body was covered in paint. It went everywhere. And then Richard made it worse by dropping Eli’s iPod into a tray of paint.” I sighed. “I’m not saying Eli should have started it. Absolutely not. But I do wish Richard hadn’t retaliated. Lewis decided Richard had gone too far and put a paint tray under his feet. And it was just… a mess.” I could still remember the way the paint had soaked into the dust sheets and left a pattern of teal footprints across the floor.
“Sounds like it,” Gem said. “Your mum must have been pissed as fuck.”
I nodded and picked up the nearest paint tray, heading over to the far side of the room so I could make a start. “Actually, it was my mum, Mimbles, who found us. And that was not fun. She was furious. She made us clean the whole thing up, then made Richard and Eli pay for new paint and for the carpet to be professionally cleaned. They also had to finish painting the room together, and neither of them were allowed to go out and celebrate getting their exam results.” I dipped the roller into the paint, making sure it was evenly covered before I lifted it to the wall. “And that is why none of us were ever allowed near paint again without supervision.”
Gem laughed. “Does this mean I’m your supervisor now?”
“Something like that. Although, I have to say I didn’t get involved, so I don’t know why I was banned. It was too… out of control for me,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “And I didn’t appreciate the shouting.”
“I get that,” Gem said. I glanced over my shoulder to see him starting on his own wall. “Your family is pretty chaotic anyway, and I’ve only seen all of you together once.” Gem had met my family last December when Eli had taken part in a local drag competition. We’d all gone to support him, and everyone had gotten very drunk, which meant they were even louder than usual. It had been fun, though, and watching Eli win had been one of the highlights of my year.
“It’s not usually too different. Only there’s normally less alcohol and bad singing.” I swept paint onto the wall, trying to focus on creating a smooth, even coat. Paint splatted onto my fingers, creating a speckled effect across my knuckles. “I sometimes feel like I need to apologise for how loud they are. I love them, but they can be a lot. Especially now that we’re adding partners into the mix.”
“Don’t apologise,” said Gem. “I like your family. And I’m glad I came with you. It was a cracking evening. And it was either that or put up with Jesse’s bitching about something.”
I frowned. Gem hadn’t mentioned Jesse very often over the past few weeks, but I was concerned that he was more upset about the breakup than he was letting on. I just wasn’t sure how to bring it up without seeming like I was being nosy or, even worse, fishing to see if Gem was ready to move on. “Do… do you miss him?”
“Fuck no! I mean, it was a shock seeing him with someone else, but I should have expected it. And thinking about it, we were never going to get anywhere. I’m pretty sure he was just using me so he didn’t get lonely, and I just…” His voice dropped. “I liked that someone needed me.”
My stomach twisted uncomfortably, and suddenly the words I need you were on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them back with force. Gem didn’t need me, not in the way I needed him. I was being ridiculous.
Gem seemed to take my silence for pity because he quickly added. “It’s fine. I’m over the bastard. Although, I’ll admit I miss the sex.” He laughed dryly, and my insides twisted again. “I mean, Jesse didn’t have much in the way of personality outside of being demanding, but it did mean we fucked a lot. Maybe I should try to find some sort of fuck buddy, although I think that only works for really attractive people.”
I felt my cheeks heating, and I desperately hoped Gem didn’t notice and get the wrong idea. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed Gem was talking about sex; it was that my brain had now conjured up all these delicious fantasies of Gem in my bed. The suggestion that I could be his fuck buddy was right on the tip of my tongue, perilously close to tumbling off and out into the open. Even if I doubted I’d be what Gem wanted. But I’d give up a lot to make him happy, even my own desires.
“Sorry,” Gem said, filling the silence I hadn’t realised was there. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t.” I coughed, trying to clear my very dry throat. “It doesn’t bother me. You’re my best friend. You can talk to me about anything.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
“Okay,” Gem said slowly as if he wasn’t sure he believed me. I cursed myself and my inability to be anything less than a nervous, anxious mess around people.
There was another minute of silence. I dipped the roller into the tray again, trying to think of something to say. I thought I should probably try to change the subject, so I didn’t say something ridiculous, but I didn’t want Gem to think I was changing it because I was uncomfortable. My brain was churning, and I couldn’t seem to grab hold of anything, and somehow I found myself asking the one question I shouldn’t, “How long has it been?”
“Since I got laid?”
Shit. I shouldn’t have asked, but I didn’t have a choice now. “Yes.”
“Since December,” Gem said with a sigh. I made a small sound and tried to concentrate on the wall in front of me. But it was no use. My mind had decided it was going to focus on Gem’s sex life to the detriment of all other activity. “What about you?”
Oh fuck. Fuckity fuckity fuck. That was a question I didn’t want to answer. “A while,” I said quietly. “Eli keeps offering to set me up with people, but I, er, I keep declining. And I just… well…”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I don’t want to make you feel—”
“I’m not uncomfortable,” I said. “I promise, I’m not. Sex has never made me anxious. It’s the meeting someone part I find hard.” That and the fact that what I looked like and what I wanted were very different things, and I still hadn’t worked out how to explain that to someone I’d only just met. I could have settled for boring, mediocre hook-ups, but what was the point in that? If the choice was between jerking myself off and giving myself what I needed or spending the night with someone who could probably get me off but wouldn’t give me what I wanted, I was always going to choose the former.
Perhaps I was a coward since I could easily have told someone what I wanted and seen what happened, but I didn’t because I was afraid.
“Not a Grindr person?” Gem teased.
“No, definitely not. You?”
“I’ve tried, but I’m not exactly what most people want.” I frowned and turned to Gem, allowing my eyes to roam over him. I didn’t see why people would reject him at all, but then again, some of the men I knew were quite shallow. Even so, Gem was incredibly handsome, and just looking at him made my heart race.
“Why not? You’re gorgeous!” I didn’t know why I’d said it, but I couldn’t take it back. Gem looked over at me, and it was too late to turn away and pretend I hadn’t been staring. I froze like a deer in headlights. Gem put his roller down.
“I want to say you’re lying,” he said. “But you don’t lie.”
“No, I don’t.” I swallowed. I kept secrets, but that was different.
My grip on my roller was so tight I thought I might snap the handle in two. How had we ended up here? Having this conversation. It was like I’d fallen into some alternative dimension. Part of me wanted to run, to ask Gem to forget I’d even said anything, but another part of me—the darker, more controlling part—whispered in my ear that this was my chance. That I could have what I wanted if I only had the courage to reach out and take it.
I wanted everything with Gem, but maybe I’d be happy with just a little bit instead. A taste to keep me satisfied until I could figure out what the fuck I was doing. This was liable to end in tears, and I could hear the warning sirens screaming in my head.
Against my better judgment, I took a step towards him.