Chapter Eleven
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Finn
It took eighteen hours for the implications of what Gem and I had done to sink in and for me to start freaking out about it. I’d been taking a break from recording and was sitting on my sofa, dipping cheese on toast into tomato soup and watching The Way of the Househusband when the full force of what we’d done dropped onto my head like a ton of bricks. I’d actually gasped, staring at the screen while my breaths came in rattled pants.
What had I done? What had I done? Shit, fuck, balls, what the fuck had I done?
I’d blown Gem in the back room of his shop but not before I’d casually dropped the whole soft Dom attitude on him. Well, not all of it, but at least enough for him to get a very good picture of what I was like in bed.
What the fuck had I been thinking? I clearly hadn’t; that was the issue. Otherwise I’d never have done anything like that.
But Gem had been talking about how much he missed sex, and my ridiculous brain had seen an opening. And when Gem had responded to everything I’d been doing, I had grabbed the idea with both hands and taken off into the distance before I could think better of it. Sometimes it felt like there were two parts of my brain: the shy, quiet part and the devious, horny, controlling part that reared its head at the most inopportune moments.
For some terrible reason, all I could compare it to was the Venom symbiote, but I wasn’t going to examine that comparison too closely because I couldn’t deal with the whole monster-fucking thing today. Not on top of everything else.
Grabbing my phone off the cushion next to me, I frantically messaged Chantelle. She was the only person I could talk to about this, and she’d be able to tell me if I was overreacting. Although, in my mind, I wasn’t sure whether I was reacting enough.
Message sent, I returned to my lunch, but my enthusiasm for my cheese on toast had waned, and now it just tasted like cardboard. I tried to focus on the anime, but nothing was registering, and it was all just a colourful blur. I kept glancing at my phone, waiting to see whether Chantelle had read my message or not. The temptation to call her was strong, but I didn’t want to bother her if she was busy. In the grand scheme of things, my problem wasn’t that important or even that bad, despite what my brain was trying to tell me. The world wasn’t ending, and there was no horde of zombies trying to break down my front door. All that had happened was that I’d casually sucked my best friend’s dick. No big deal.
Although the horde of zombies was starting to sound better by the minute. I’d happily take mindless, brain-munching—including a gruesome, painful death—if it meant I didn’t have to think about what I’d done.
Chantelle called me ten minutes later when I was putting my crockery in the sink and debating breaking into my emergency stash of chocolate ice cream.
“You all right, babe?” she asked. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
“Er, sort of,” I said, suddenly feeling silly. Was I really going to bother Chantelle with this? “I’m sorry. This is probably ridiculous. Don’t worry, I’m just in my head.”
“Babe, what happened?” Her voice was soft and encouraging but with a firm edge I knew I couldn’t refuse to answer. “Come on, tell me.”
“So you know how I’ve been helping Gem with his new business? Well, last night I was up there helping with the painting, and, er, well we got onto the subject of dating and his ex-boyfriend—the one who ghosted him then showed up at his work with someone new.”
“Ah, yeah, that wanker.”
“Yes, that one,” I said, walking through my flat to my bedroom and flopping down onto my bed. “Anyway, we started talking about sex, and I’m not even sure why I brought it up, but I asked how long it had been since he’d had sex, and then he asked me the same, and then I said he was gorgeous and…” My speech was getting faster and faster as everything started spilling out of me.
“Babe, babe,” Chantelle said, cutting through my thoughts. “Slow down. Take a breath. What happened?”
I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and counted to five. “I gave Gem a blow job in the stockroom of his shop while also giving him a very good idea of the sort of man I am in bed.” There was no need to sugar-coat things for Chantelle. With anyone else, I’d never have been so honest or open, but considering she’d helped me write scripts for my side hustle before and we’d had a long discussion over the use of pussy versus cunt , I didn’t think there were many boundaries left for us to break.
There was a moment of silence, and I pulled the phone away from my ear to make sure it was still connected. “Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I am,” Chantelle said. “I’m just trying to think of how to word my response.”
“Do you think I fucked up? I mean, I think I might have. Quite badly, if I’m being honest.”
“Finn, babe, I love you, but shut up,” she said. “Okay, first of all, when did this happen?”
“Last night.”
“And you didn’t tell me until now? Rude! I thought you loved me.” I chuckled, the tightness in my chest easing fractionally. “Second, why is this a bad thing? I thought you liked him. I know you wouldn’t have done this unless you wanted to, so why are you freaking out? Talk it out with me.”
“Well, we’re friends. Nothing more. And I don’t want to ruin that. Gem is one of the only people I’ve ever met, apart from you, who really gets me, and I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“What makes you think you’re going to?”
“Oh, please. In what world does this situation end well?” I asked, my voice dripping with cynicism. “We’re friends but adding sex to that mix is not going to magically mean Gem falls in love with me and suddenly sees me the way I see him.”
“Fine, stop, then,” Chantelle said. “Go tell Gem you just want to be friends, and there’ll be no dick sucking.” I hesitated, and there was an awkward pause. Shit, I didn’t want to do that, and Chantelle knew it. She was calling me out on my bullshit, and I either had to admit I didn’t want this to end or concede defeat. “I didn’t fucking think so,” she added. “You want this with him. And I know that it’s scary as fuck to go into this with no agreement on what it is, but you deserve to have some fucking fun, so treat it like that. Why does it have to be a relationship?”
“I guess it doesn’t.” There was a heavy, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that was bothering me though. “But what happens when it inevitably goes wrong or something changes? It won’t last forever. You and I both know that. At some point, he’ll meet someone else, or he’ll decide he wants to move on. What happens then?”
“If he meets someone else and chooses them over you, I’ll fucking kill him,” Chantelle muttered. “Look, babe, all you can do is go into this with your eyes wide open and hope that if it does go tits up, that you can still be friends at the end of it. Also, can you stop being so fucking dramatic? Like, sure, it might not end well, but it might be the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to you. So stop pouting, put on your big knickers, and try and be positive. ’Cos if you think it’s all going to go up in flames, you might as well set fire to it now and be done with it.”
I groaned, rolling onto my stomach and hugging a pillow. “Why do you always have to be right?”
“It comes with being a mum,” she said. “Means I’m always right. It was a bonus thing I got when Kelsey was born. Kinda wish it had been a bottle of rosé though.”
I laughed. “How is the little monster?”
“A little fucking monster, I’ll tell you. She’s five going on fifteen. I think I need to get her enrolled in something, burn off some of her energy, but…” She paused, and I knew where she was headed. Activities were expensive, especially in London, and Chantelle’s budget wasn’t the biggest in the world. “I’ll think of something.”
“Hey,” I said. “I meant to ask you. Do you fancy doing some more editing for me? I’m too busy to do everything, and I’m drowning. Think you’d be up for it?” Chantelle had done some audiobook editing for me in the past when I’d been swamped, but I mostly tried to do it myself. With the way my diary was shaping up for the spring, I wasn’t going to have time to do anything but work unless I got some help.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, please. I’m not above begging,” I joked. “I’ve overbooked myself, and with the other audio and helping Gem, I’ve got zero time for editing. Obviously, I’ll pay you, and I can get you any software you need.”
“Okay, yeah, that sounds great. Just let me know what you need. I can do it in the evenings when Kelsey’s in bed and when she’s at Ryan’s. I’ve still got all the stuff from last time, so that’ll be fine.”
“You’re a lifesaver,” I said. “I’ll send you a list. Also, I still owe Kelsey a Christmas present, so if you find something she wants to do, I’ll pay for some lessons or something.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Tough, I want to.”
“God, you’re better than her fucking dad.”
“Someone has to be,” I said wryly. “And you can’t do everything.”
“Can and will. Also, I found some cheap train tickets in a couple of weeks’ time. Would that work for you?”
“Of course, just let me know the dates, and I’ll be all yours.” It would be wonderful to see Chantelle in person again. I’d missed her like crazy, and it made me realise I needed to take more time off to go and visit her. My time and budget were a lot more flexible than hers, and there were places in London I could stay without imposing on her. Lewis’s boyfriend Jason owned a flat there with his brother, and he was always offering it to us if we needed it.
“Amazing. Can’t wait,” Chantelle said. “I know what you’re doing by the way.”
“What? I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re distracting me so you don’t have to talk about Gem again.”
“Maybe,” I said with a smile, squeezing the pillow I was holding a little tighter. “But I admitted you were right. Isn’t that enough?”
“No. Tell me what you’re going to do so I know how to respond next time you message me.”
I chuckled. “You’re not going to let me get away with anything, are you?”
“Fuck no. And if you hadn’t wanted me to be your voice of fucking reason you wouldn’t have messaged me. I’m like that little angel on your shoulder.”
“Demon more like,” I said. “Fine. I’m going to keep going with whatever this is. I’m too attached to the idea not to, and maybe it will all work out.”
“Yay for positivity,” said Chantelle, and I snorted at her obvious sarcasm. “Have you told him about Fantasy and Filth yet?”
“No! No. There are some things I’m just not ready to share with him, and that is one of them. If I hadn’t been drunk at the time I’d discovered the whole thing in the first place, I wouldn’t have told you. Not because I don’t love you, but I’m really not sure you needed to know that I like telling people how to get off.”
Chantelle laughed, and the sound warmed me from the inside out. “I’d have found out anyway. You know me. I’m too fucking nosy for my own good.”
“That’s true,” I said as I rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. “But still, I’m not telling him. Not yet.” Maybe not ever, not unless I had to. There were some things my friends didn’t need to know, and the fact that I ran an audio porn channel and subscription site was one of them. If we ever got into a relationship, then it might be different, but even then, I had no idea how I’d bring it up. That was a conversation for another day and not something I needed to worry about if Gem and I were just sticking to the whole friends-who-fuck arrangement.
“I have thoughts about that,” Chantelle said, “but I’m not saying anything.”
“Good, I don’t want to hear them,” I teased. I’d probably had all the same thoughts she had, and I didn’t need her to call me out on them.
“Have you recorded anything fun recently?”
“No, but I have some stuff coming up.” I really needed to record the two scripts that were lurking in my documents because I’d basically run out of things to post. I’d been planning to do one today, but I wasn’t sure if my head was in it.
“Is that Finn speak for ‘I have things planned, but I haven’t actually done them’?”
“Guilty as charged,” I said with a soft chuckle.
“Do it today,” Chantelle said. “It’ll take your mind off the whole Gem thing. Or it’ll get you super horny for next time. Either way it’s a win.”
“Thanks. I think.” I sighed and puffed out my cheeks, knowing that I really needed to get back to work. My bed was comfy, though, and I was suddenly tempted to dig out my old Gameboy Colour and hole up in bed all afternoon playing vintage Pokémon games. “I should probably get back to work.”
“So should I.”
“I’ll send you a list of projects and some dates. Is the same rate as last time okay?”
“That sounds great. Thanks.” Chantelle paused, and I could almost hear her thinking. “Don’t think too much about this Gem thing, ’kay? Just have fun. You need that.”
“Okay. I’ll try.” We said goodbye, and I stared at the screen of my phone, wondering what to do since work didn’t hold much appeal. Chantelle was right; I needed a distraction. Throwing myself off the bed, I grabbed a towel and bottle of lube and headed for my booth. Once inside I grabbed my headphones and pulled up one of the new scripts, which had a strong focus on orgasm control with a side of soft punishment.
I set the software up, adjusting the microphones—since I used two for recording audio porn—checked everything was working, took a deep breath, and tried to clear my mind.
As I opened my mouth, the image of Gem on his knees slid into my brain, meshing with the delicious sounds he’d made yesterday and my own fantasies. I took another breath, trying to focus on the script. But the image of Gem stubbornly refused to leave.
Fine. I wasn’t going to deny myself. I smirked and let myself lean into the fantasy as I began to speak.
“Oh, baby, what have you been doing?”