Chapter 42
“Why won’t she stop crying?”
“I don’t know, Kai.” I’ve fed her, burped her, and changed her. She won’t stop crying. It’s three in the morning. I’ve been rocking her in my arms for the past hour, and nothing is calming her down.
“I have to work in the morning. I can’t be up all night,” Kai says.
The minute we got home from the hospital, our lives changed. This was what I was nervous about. I’ve heard stories of how hard it is to take care of a newborn. How sleep-deprived the parents are. Both of us are on pins and needles, and it’s hard not to lash out at one another.
“I know you do. I’ve tried everything.” A couple of nights at the hospital made this new transition seem like it would be easier than expected—but then we came home.
It was easier at the hospital because we had help.
Around-the-clock help. We have no help at home.
I’ve only seen Paige twice, and Kevin stops in and says hi every once in a while.
And it’s not like they’re going to help us at night when we need it the most.
I have no one to ask questions to. Like right now. I’ve done everything. Everything I know, at least. Still, she’s so upset and I don’t know how to help my own baby.
Kai groans and wraps his pillow around his head.
As I narrow my eyes at him, I can’t help but feel pissed that he gets more sleep than I do.
I know I shouldn’t be mad because he wakes up early to go to work and provides for us.
I just want one solid night’s sleep. Just one.
Amari wakes up every two hours at night.
By the time I get her back down and myself back to sleep, she’s up again.
Kai helps when he gets home from work, but he doesn’t do much during the night since he has to work.
He only took a week off of work, and during that time, he helped a lot more.
We couldn’t afford for him to take any more time off.
The expenses that come with a baby are higher than we expected.
We were doing okay with just the two of us, but now it feels like we have a whole other household to care for when there’s only one baby.
Both of us are hanging on by the thread, and it’s only been two weeks.
“Oh, wow. You look very tired.” Paige walks in with two smoothies in her hands.
“Thanks.” I close the door behind her. I take one of the smoothies out of her hand and guzzle it down as fast as I can, stopping before a brain freeze comes.
Paige's eyebrows raise. “Are you starving or something?”
“Pretty much. I hardly have time for anything, and I’m so tired of microwave meals.” I raise my smoothie. “So, thanks. This is a big help.”
“You’re welcome. So, where is my sweet goddaughter?” Paige asks as she walks toward the hallway.
“Do not go in there,” I say sternly. Paige freezes and looks over her shoulder. “She’s sleeping and if you wake her, I’m going to kill you.”
Her shoulders round, and she walks back over to the couch. “But I miss her.”
“How about you stay with her at night since you miss her so much?” I slump down on the couch next to Paige.
She takes a sip of her smoothie. “Is this why you look like you haven’t slept in days?”
“Do I look that bad?”
Paige presses her lips together and nods.
I sigh. “She’s up every two hours at night. By the time I fall back asleep, she’s awake again.”
“Kai doesn’t help you?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Well…kind of,” I say.
She crosses her legs on the couch and looks around the messy living room.
We have no room for storage because the only linen closet we have had to be turned into Amari’s closet.
Bags of diapers and wipes are piled in the corner of the living room.
Both Amari’s bouncer and swing sit right in front of the TV, giving us a little space between those and the couch to walk through the living room.
Bottles and burp rags are laying all around the living room. “I know it’s a mess.”
“It’s okay. I don’t care,” she says with a slight smile. “How are you and Kai doing with everything?”
I think about the past two weeks. No, not even the past two weeks. The past month and a half makes me burst into tears.
“Why are you crying? I didn’t mean to make you cry!” Paige says, scooting closer to me.
I glance around my living room from behind my cloudy eyes. “Everything has changed so much in such a short amount of time.”
“That happens with a baby. You need to give it some time. Everything will be okay,” she says in a soothing voice.
“No,” I say between my sobs. “Everything changed before Amari got here.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ever since his dad passed away, it hasn’t been the same, and now it’s even worse.”
“I forgot about that.”
This is the first time I’ve said something to anyone. Sadly, there is no one else I would say anything to. “He won’t talk to me about anything, and I’ve tried to give him space, but it feels like we’re moving further apart, and now with Amari, it’s making it worse.”
“Both of your lives have changed so fast in such a short amount of time. I wouldn’t overthink it too much. He’s probably in mourning.”
The small apartment echoes Amari's cries. Paige jumps off the couch before I get up. “I’ll get her.”
She runs to the bedroom and before long, she’s coming back my way.
“Hi, my goddaughter. It’s your godmother, Paige,” she coos while rocking her in her arms. I lean my back against the couch and let Paige soothe her.
If I had more help during the day, it would make things a little easier.
I could at least clean up around here and make a proper meal for myself.
Even though Amari sleeps throughout the day, all I end up doing is sleeping, too.
I’m just completely and totally exhausted.
“Daddy’s home,” I whisper to a sleeping Amari as Kai walks through the door. My brows furrow as he gets closer to me. Something is off. Underneath the sweat and dirt, his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are glossed over.
He leans down, kisses Amari on the cheek, and then moves his lips toward me. I jerk back.
“What?” he questions.
The sharp scent of alcohol consumes my scent. “Have you been drinking?”
He runs his hand through his hair. “Only a few.”
“You look and smell like you’ve had more than a few.”
He walks back over to the front door and kicks his steel-toe boots off. He takes a seat on the floor and leans against the wall.
It’s eight o’clock at night. The days and hours all blur together now, and it makes me lose track of time. Kai is usually home around six, and I didn’t realize it was eight until just now.
“Why are you drinking on a weekday?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
It may not be a big deal for some, but given his family history, it should be a big deal for him; especially since his dad passed away from alcoholism. “I don’t think you should drink during the week.”
“It’s one time, B. I don’t need a lecture from you.”
“I’m not trying to lecture you. But don’t you think you shouldn’t be drinking at all anymore?”
His jaw clenches. “What are you trying to say?”
“We just had a baby and your dad passed—”
“Don’t bring my dad into this.” He cuts me off. His eyes are blazing, and his brows furrow.
I swallow the lump in my throat. I’ve never seen him so mad. It was clearly too soon to bring his dad up.
He storms out of the living room and into the bathroom, making me jump as he shuts the door a little too hard. I look down at Amari, who is now sleeping peacefully in her pink onesie. Thankfully, it didn’t wake her up.
A couple hours later, after Amari has woken up, eaten, and is now sleeping again, I glance over at Kai. He’s lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. I scoot myself onto the bed, inhaling his Axe shower gel.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to bring your dad up like that.” No response comes from him. “I wish you would talk to me. I feel so distant from you now.”
“A lot has happened in such a short period. I’ve been stressed, so I drank a few beers after work. Why does this need to turn into an argument?” he says, avoiding eye contact with me.
“I’m not trying to start an argument about it.
There are better ways to handle stress than drinking.
” I get up from the bed and change out of my clothes into my pajamas.
I used to love doing this in front of Kai.
He would always whistle or grab my butt.
Lately, I feel like I have to rush so he doesn’t see me.
I know it’s partly because I have new insecurities about what my body went through.
With him being so distant lately, for some reason, it makes me want to cover up.
“Then why bring it up?”
I look over my shoulder to see if he’s looking at me as I slide my pajama pants on.
His gaze is still focused on the ceiling.
I slide back onto the bed and lie down, letting out a long yawn.
I’m at a loss for words with him right now, and all I can think of is sleep because Amari will be up in a couple of hours.
I let the conversation go, turning my back on Kai.
After another yawn, sleep takes over.