Chapter 54
As the light from the day seeps into my room, so do the memories of last night. My eyes are blinking and squinting as I adjust to the light. Amari’s empty bed catches my attention. I look over my shoulder and notice Paige is gone, too. I let out a sigh, knowing that Paige has Amari.
A smoky scent of bacon swarms my kitchen as I walk in and find Paige eating next to Amari in her highchair.
“Good morning,” Paige says. “I made breakfast if you’re hungry,” she says in a sympathetic tone.
I glare at the bacon and eggs sitting on the stove. “Where did you get this?” I know I didn’t have this food here.
“Kevin.”
“Really?”
“I asked Kevin to bring me some food to cook since you didn’t have much. I was going to go to the store, but I didn’t want to wake you or take Amari out without letting you know. So, he brought over what he had.”
After coming home last night, I was worried Kai would try to come home even after I told him not to.
To my surprise, he never came home. Paige stayed the night.
Mostly because by the time I got home, she and Amari had already fallen asleep.
I snuck into the bed next to Paige and tried my hardest to erase the memories of last night.
I’m not sure when I fell asleep. After hours of crying, I finally drifted off out of pure exhaustion.
“What happened last night? You got home pretty late.”
I sit across from Paige and tell her everything that happened. I’m not sure if she felt shocked, confused, or at a loss for words. Her facial expressions changed so much while I told her everything.
“What are you going to do, B?”
Shaking my head, I say, “I don’t know.”
“Stay here and make him pay for the apartment. You’re raising his daughter. He can’t kick you out.”
A part of me wants to leave, and a part of me wants to stay and work this out. Kai is hurting, too. But how can I try when it’s only me? I can’t keep up with his up-and-down moods. “I don’t feel comfortable staying here and having him pay for everything while he’s not here.”
Paige takes a bite of her bacon. “Fuck that. You deserve to stay here, and you deserve a man to pay for you and her.” Paige gazes over at Amari. Amari sits silently, mashing her avocado and putting it in her mouth. “Has he told you anything to make you feel that way?”
“No. It’s how I feel. It’s nothing he’s said to make me feel this way.”
“Then stay and don’t worry about it.”
Without a doubt, she’s right. It’s not right for me to feel this way.
I probably feel this way because my single mom raised me, paid for everything, and wanted nothing from my dad.
I’m so close to receiving my diploma, but then the medical assisting program will take another year to complete.
If I go part-time, it’s two years. That’s what I didn’t want to do.
I wanted to finish it faster. It might be something I will have to do part-time while I work part-time.
Even a part-time job won’t cover my expenses.
It also depends on what child support Kai is going to give me.
I sigh, not wanting to dwell on this.
“What was that sigh for?” Paige asks.
“I was thinking about how I would pay for everything.” I take a piece of bacon off Paige’s plate and start nibbling on it. Even though I have no appetite whatsoever, I know I need to eat something.
“You don’t think your mom would let you move back in?”
“I don’t know.” It has crossed my mind if she would turn me and her granddaughter away if I showed up.
I have a big feeling she’ll fall in love with Amari once she sees her.
What if that’s what she expects of me? To show back up for help?
It would feel like an I told you so. Even though I don’t know if she would tell me that, I would feel it living in her house.
A knock comes through the door, making me jerk back. The pit of my stomach sinks. Is it Kai?
Paige’s brows rise in question. “Do you want me to answer it?”
I nod.
From the distance, I hear, Kai. “What are you doing here?”
“Someone had to watch Amari while everyone else went looking for you.”
Silence hangs heavy in the air.
“B doesn’t want to see you right now.”
She’s right, I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to hear how sorry he is or his empty promise of I’ll never do it again.
They are all broken words at this point.
The front door closes, and Paige appears back in the kitchen. “He says he wants to see Amari.”
“I can’t keep him from his daughter, and I don’t want to, either.”
“He said he would take Amari for the day while we hang out.”
I know I need a break. But not now. I feel like shit, and the last thing I want to do is go out and see people. But going out will help me keep my mind busy and avoid dwelling on everything.
Amari is the one person who comforts me. The thought of having to divide her time between me and Kai feels like a deep wound that will never heal. I never wanted that for my daughter. For my family.
“I still have a couple of days before I go back to school after Christmas break. We can do whatever you want, and I can stay here if you want me to,” Paige says, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I’ll never keep my daughter away from her dad. I could try it today and see how it feels. It might not be so bad.
“What do you want me to tell Kai?”
Frowning, I say, “Is he still outside?”
“Yup. I can make him wait longer.”
We both giggle. “Tell him to come back in an hour after I get Amari ready.”
An hour later, Paige handed Amari off to Kai while I showered to wash off all the bad that had happened in the past forty-eight hours.
“Have you decided what you want to do?” Paige asks while we both put on our Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse foundation. Times like these remind me of when Paige and I were inseparable. We were always hanging out, getting ready together, and trying to figure out what we should do for the day.
For some reason, I’m drawing a blank on what we should do and what we used to do. My life has been so consumed with Amari and Kai that I can’t even think of anything to do. It wasn’t even that long ago, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like it was ages ago.
“All I can think of is the mall or going to Sonic. But Sonic is more of a night thing.” I turn to Paige. “I don’t remember what we used to do.”
One side of her lip turns upward as she looks at me, clearly shocked. “You need to get out.”
I giggle.
I’m walking out of the bathroom, back into the sound of beeping machines. Arcades aren’t my thing, but it’s winter, and there isn’t much to do unless you want to go outside and ski or snowboard. That’s also not my thing.
I find Paige talking to a couple of guys next to a pinball machine. “Oh, hey. This is my friend Blakely. Blakely, this is Kyle and Jared.”
“Hey,” I say awkwardly. What is she doing?
“What are you girls doing tonight?” one guy asks. I think that one is Kyle. He has dark-brown hair that’s shaved on the sides with a little length on the top that is combed over to the side.
“We don’t have any plans. Do we, B?”
I shake my head, trying to understand what she is doing. I hope she’s not trying to hook me up with someone else. It’s way too soon.
“Do you girls want to do something, then?” the other guy asks. He has the same haircut, only longer. Almost like a mohawk, but not so long. His sandy-blond hair matches the light freckles that run across his cheeks.
“What are you guys thinking of doing?” Paige asks.
“We could get some 40s and chill somewhere. Jared’s parents are gone. His house is free.”
The thought of drinking at a stranger’s house makes my skin crawl. It doesn’t sound appealing. Especially since I’m a mother now, and Kai and I are still together. At least, I think we are. I don’t know how he sees it.
Paige looks over at me and then back at them. “Why don’t I take your number and we’ll text you later?”
Kyle and Paige exchange numbers. We say goodbye and head out of the arcade.
“What’s going on? What was that face for?”
We step outside to find an icy breeze blowing. Paige unlocks her doors and we get inside quickly. “What face?” I say.
“You look like you were about to be sick in there. Your face turned as white as a ghost.”
“It’s too soon to be going over to some random guy’s house.”
Paige turns her car on and starts backing up. “I thought it would help keep your mind off things.”
“I’m not going to bounce from guy to guy.”
It’s not even five, and the sun is already setting. This weather is making everything so much more depressing.
“We were only going to hang out, not sleep with them.”
I give her a side-eye. “I’m sure that’s what they would expect.”
“Doesn’t mean we would.”
I drop the conversation at the sound of my rumbling stomach. I haven’t eaten all day—except for that piece of bacon that took me all morning to nibble on.
“Let’s go eat, then. You sound hungry, and you haven’t bothered to eat anything today,” Paige says.
Wow. The rumbling must have been louder than I thought.