Chapter 55
“B, when are we going to talk?” Kai quietly asks as he sits next to me on our bed. He just placed Amari down in her crib to sleep. I felt this coming, but I don’t think I’m ready for it. It’s all been said before.
It’s been a week since I kicked Kai out.
He’s been coming over every day after work to spend time with Amari.
Every day that he has come over, I lock myself in our room and do my packets.
The nice thing is that he bathes Amari and gets her ready for bed.
I’ve walked in on him rocking her to sleep a few times now.
When I see that, my heart stings. All I want is for him to come back so we can be a family again.
But I can’t keep putting myself through this.
“There’s not much more to talk about that hasn’t been said already,” I say.
I haven’t had the strength to talk to him. I’m so tired of everything, and I’m sick of repeating myself. He knows what he needs to do. Instead, all he wants to do is repeat the same words I’ve already heard.
“Then can you listen to me?”
“There’s not much more you can say, either. It’s your actions that need to change, not your words.”
“Then let me prove it to you.” He puts his hand on my thigh, causing goosebumps to run up my leg. His touch still gives me butterflies. I wish I could hate that, but I don’t.
“For what? For a few months and then you’re off doing your same bullshit again.”
“No.”
“You need to work on yourself before you work on this relationship. I can’t keep being caught in the crossfire of your feelings. It’s not fair to me, and it certainly isn’t fair to Amari.”
His forehead creases. “What does that mean? Are you leaving me?”
“What? No.” I pause. “I don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”
I’ve been contemplating what I should do. I can’t help the ache I get every time I think about us and our family not being together. My head says one thing, and my heart feels another.
“Blakely, please don’t do this. I can’t live without you. I can’t live without us. I can’t live without Amari. Our family. You know that, don’t you?”
I blink back my tears that are trying to fall. I’m so torn about what to do. “I need more time,” I say, my voice shaking.
He lifts his head and stares right at me. “More time for what?”
“To think about things.”
“Do you need more time to think about if you want to leave me or not?”
I remain silent, thinking of his words. It’s not as simple as it seems, but it’s what I’ve been questioning.
Do I want this still? Should I want this still?
Will he hurt me again? Can I trust him? There are so many uncertainties.
I need time to sit with my thoughts to untangle all the questions that run through my mind.
I don’t want to give up on us. But would it really be me giving up on us?
Then I think, what’s the difference between this and me leaving him?
It’s not like he’s here half the time. When he is here, he’s checked out a lot of the time.
Sometimes I feel like I’m already a single mom in a relationship. It’s not fair to me.
“If you want things to work, you need to give me more time,” I say sternly.
He nods his head, stands, kisses Amari on the head, and walks out. My tears fall harder at the sound of the front door shutting. It’s almost as if the click of the door gave me permission to let it all out.
I don’t want to cry over this again, but I don’t have a choice.
“Do you want to go out somewhere today?” Kai asks.
It’s Saturday morning, two weeks after the New Year.
Two weeks after I kicked Kai out.
“Where do you want to go?” I ask.
“We can take Amari to the aquarium.”
I’ve never thought about taking Amari to the aquarium. I always thought that would be too young for someone her age to understand. She’s at the stage where she’s interested in different objects and colors.
“That sounds fun.”
Kai’s eyes widen in disbelief. “Really? You want to go?”
“Yes. That would be fun for Amari.”
“Okay,” he says, obviously stunned. I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect me to agree. “Let me go get ready, and I’ll be back.” I watch as he sets Amari down, and with a little extra hop in his step, he’s out the door.
I giggle a little at his reaction to me agreeing to go somewhere with him. This is what I wanted from him—to show me he wants to be a family.
A couple hours later, excitement bubbles in my chest. I’m so excited to be here with Amari and to see her reaction.
Stepping into the first section of the aquarium, I notice a butterfly exhibit.
The vibrant greenery and butterflies flying all around make the room feel as if you’re outside.
A slight breeze blows, making the leaves sway.
“Look at the butterflies!” I say to Amari as I take her out of the stroller and place her on my right hip. “Look how pretty.” I point to a swarm of butterflies around us.
Her eyes widen as she concentrates on the flying butterflies. Her head jerks a little as she looks all around her.
“She looks like she likes it,” Kai says.
“Yeah, she’s been more interested in moving objects and colors lately.”
After exiting the exhibit, there’s a gigantic tank of colorful fish swimming in front of us. I hold Amari up to the glass. She reaches one hand out to grab the swimming fish. I step a little closer and her hand touches the glass. Her eyes widen as the fish get closer to her.
“Do you like the fish?” Kai asks Amari.
Amari looks over at Kai and coos at him. Her smile widens as she looks between Kai and the fish. She’s still holding onto the glass, staring at all the colorful fish in front of her eyes.
We move from tank to tank, stopping at each one to admire all the sea life. It’s a magical sight to see how curious Amari gets with each different fish we stop to look at .
We finally get to the massive tunnel tank that is filled with sharks.
We walk underneath all the sharks swimming above us.
Amari seems to be even more curious with how big these sharks are.
Does she think they’re bigger fish like the ones we saw earlier?
I walk closer to the tank, and her mouth forms the shape of an O as she watches the huge sharks swimming all around us.
I love being able to spend quality time like this with my sweet girl—even if things are less than perfect right now with Kai.
Kai pulls out of the aquarium parking lot after a few hours of being there. I peek over my shoulder, looking at Amari sleeping in her car seat. “The aquarium seemed to wear her out. She’s already asleep,” I say.
Kai looks into the rearview mirror. “I’m tired myself.”
“Same. That aquarium was huge. I didn’t think we’d be in there that long.” I shiver as I turn up the heat. This weather has been so cold. I can’t wait until it warms up and we can do stuff outside with Amari.
“Is there anything else you want to do today?”
With a yawn, I stretch my arms out in front of me. “A nap sounds good,” I say with a chuckle.
“A nap does sounds good. I can drop you guys off.”
A sense of unease washes over me, because I really want Kai to stay with us for the rest of the day, even if it’s just all three of us taking a nap. “Do you want to nap with us?” I ask nervously.
The side of Kai’s mouth tilts upward. “Absolutely,” he says.
Butterflies swarm my stomach. “Thanks for taking us to the aquarium.”
“Anything for my girls.”