8. Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Rafe
I have no idea what I planned to buy. Nothing, really, but once I remembered the store was five miles from our cottages, I jumped at the chance to spend more time with Luna.
She hasn’t changed much, maybe a little more guarded than at the wedding, but she’s still beautiful.
My heart skips when I think about her, then immediately stutters when I think of how far apart we are.
Once again, I remind myself that she is in Ireland.
She’s literally staying at the cottage next to mine, and so far, it seems like she’s open to spending time with me.
After all, she’s the one who said that we can start fresh with the nerves out of the way.
The problem is, I’m not sure what a fresh start means.
For the day? The trip? Our whole lives from minute one?
“I’m so confused,” I say to no one, but it makes a little old lady scuttle away from me like I might be crazy.
Maybe I am. There has to be some level of insanity involved in this situation.
Surely, wondering what might happen between Luna and me is a setup for heartbreak, but why does my entire body speed with anticipation of what might be?
“You need to pump the brakes before you crash and burn,” I whisper to myself and run my finger over a row of books. I don’t even know what genre I’m looking at, but the old lady scuttles farther and faster now. I don’t blame her.
I grab a handful of books, so Luna doesn’t think I lied about needing something in town and head to the front to pay. From the window, I spy her stepping out of the market and into the cool spring air. She takes a deep inhale and her gaze bounces from one thing to the next, taking it all in.
When my gaze falls on the cashier ready to check me out, I realize I am acting like an idiot. She stares at me with her eyebrows arched as if she said something and is waiting for a response from a practically disassociated person.
“Sorry, I was…here,” I say and hand her what is probably way too much money. “Keep the change.”
She mumbles some version of thank you, and I grab the stack of books and head out.
Luna leans against the rental car with two bags beside her on the ground.
When I approach, she smiles and pushes off the car.
So many memories flood me at once, all the times she’s done that in the past. Such a simple thing, one little move that makes my mind trip over itself going down memory lane.
“What’s the matter?” she asks, pausing in the middle of picking up her bag.
“Nothing, I just…nothing.” I fish the keys from my pocket to distract us both from a conversation neither of us is likely ready to have.
“Rafe?” Her stern tone gives me pause and I look from the car keys back to her. “What is it? It’s something, so don’t lie to me.”
She pegged me. Always did, even when I tried to play it cool. I shrug and unlock the car. “You pushing off the car like that made me think about stuff, that’s all.”
“Stuff?” she asks while I open the door for her and grab the other bag.
“Yeah. You know, like when you’d be waiting at my car for me after school. Or after a game, you’d meet me at yours. Seeing you lean against a car, even a rental that isn’t mine, flooded me. It’s memories, that’s all. Hit me a little harder than I expected.”
She won’t sit in the car. Instead, she stands between it and me, looking up at me.
I have one hand on the car door, and the other arm has a pile of books and one of her grocery bags in it.
Since I am not anticipating her next move, I completely lose my grip and drop everything when she steps forward, pushes up, and kisses me.
I don’t care that all the books probably broke their little spines hitting the dirt road.
I am a little worried I might have broken whatever she bought, but the thought disappears behind a litany of other, more important thoughts, all centered around this petite woman who makes zero sense at all to me.
Her palms spread over my shoulders and slide around my neck, drawing me closer as she easily slides away from the open door and leans against the car again. Oh, the memories. The agonizingly, desperately missed moments when she was mine and this car kissing happened more often than not.
I slip my hand behind her head to ease the pressure for her because straining to reach me is a lot of work. Meeting her halfway for this was never hard. It was everything else that never seemed to have a middle ground. But all my thinking distracts her, and she pulls back.
“Don’t think, Rafe. Just kiss me, and I promise we’ll talk about it later.”
Nope.
The alarm bells go off in my mind, warning me to stop this right now before I end up crying in my soggy cereal over losing her for good. She said the exact same thing in that broom closet, then she ghosted me for months.
“Luna, I can’t.” I pull back and take a step away from her—messy hair, red cheeks, dazed expression, and all. She’s so beautiful it almost draws me back in. I can’t. I need to focus.
She frowns and crosses her arms. “Then why did you fly me all the way to Ireland?”
Excuse me? Why did I fly her—does she really think that I would fly her to another country so we could make out and that’s it?
Frustration and a little anger bubble up from beneath my skin.
I step forward again so I cannot be mistaken.
“I asked you to come to Ireland because I love you, and I want to fix our relationship. I didn’t ask you here just to kiss you.
” I measure my breaths, force the anger to dissipate because it won’t get me anywhere.
I grumble and shake my head. “I hate when it’s like this. ”
This deepens her furrowed brow and her eyes flame. “Well, I don’t know what you want from me, Rafe. You came out here talking about memories. Nostalgia hit for me too. I felt in the moment like we did back then, and I acted on it. I didn’t think you’d get—”
“Wait, no. Don’t apologize for that.” I take a deep breath and settle my hands on her shoulders.
She stiffens and keeps her arms crossed, but I’m not backing down.
Not this time. There is too much to lose.
“I’m terrible with words. I never know the right thing to say, but I do try to do the right thing, Luna.
When I said I hate when it’s like this, what I meant was that I hate when I think I did the right thing, and it goes all wrong.
When we kissed at Beck’s wedding, I thought…
” And I lose it. My voice disappears and I can’t figure out what to say to explain to her how it felt to lose her all over again.
Her expression softens and she nods slightly. “I know,” she whispers. “I…I know what you thought. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared, and I guess I handled it very wrong after the fact.”
I close my eyes and try to put the words together.
I have to. I stand to lose everything if I don’t, because as much as I hate being misunderstood when I do try to formulate proper communication, she still needs it from me.
We can’t meet in the middle on this. I have to tell her what that time meant to me, and what it was like when she turned me away again.
“I thought that time we spent together at the wedding meant more than it did, that’s all.
That was my fault for reading into things you didn’t say.
I don’t want to make that mistake again.
If that is all this trip is to you, another flash in time that doesn’t mean anything, then I can’t do it.
I want to be clear about that now before we get in too deep. ”
She takes a deep breath and looks past me at the row of shops behind me. “You already told me that. Maybe not that exact way, but I knew when I got on the plane what it meant.”
She shifts her gaze back to me. It connects with mine and the intensity of it almost gives me chills.
She’s always been driven, dedicated, loyal even.
But this? It’s something more, and even after years spent as her boyfriend, I’m not sure I can decode it without a little help.
It makes my brain ache to attempt to figure out the right words, but I manage.
“I can’t be near you and kiss you like this if it leads to nothing else, Luna. Tell me it leads to something more, and I’ll kiss you all you want.” My voice comes out more strained than I’d like, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit the woman can bring me to tears with one word.
No.
That is all it would take to wreck me for life.
Luna grasps my shirtfront at the collar and pulls me near again. “It leads to so much more, Rafe, but I need to know it leads to more for you, too. Not empty promises, but a real future with things I’ve wanted for a long time.”
“It always did, Luna.”
She presses her lips to mine again, and for now, I’m at peace. My heart is still cautious and I need to be gentle with hers. But for now, for this moment, we’re right where we need to be.