Chapter Thirteen
Allie
I’m frozen.
I am stuck, staring at the floor because if I look up, I know I will see her. I thought I was ready, but clearly there will never be enough time in the world for me to be ready.
Landon whispers into a handheld radio that somehow appeared out of nowhere, but I am so focused on not losing my shit that I can’t make out what he’s saying.
The mantra plays over and over again in my head and I will myself not to go into a full-blown panic attack. Because as much as I want to blame her. As much as I want to scream at her right now, I don’t want her to see that I am silently breaking down. I don’t want her to see the invisible scars shining through because the guilt I know she is feeling will swallow her whole.
And even though I see her as the reason I am in this state of numbness right now, I never want to be the cause of why someone loses themselves.
The sound of a car door softly shutting breaks me out of my thoughts and my head lifts. I look out to the dark road to see we are joined by another truck parked across the street and a tall figure is walking towards Grayson’s truck.
Grayson’s door opens, and he joins who I assume is Wesley to stand out of the truck. The inside of the truck illuminates, revealing Logan talking to her fiancé. I can tell she is upset even in the dimly lit car. Her arm movements are erratic and she points towards Landon and I.
A woman with long blonde hair pops her head through the seats and starts speaking to Logan. And I watch her swipe her hand across her face. My stomach turns at the knowledge that she is crying and whoever is in the car with her is most likely explaining why she can’t run over here.
Panic starts to rise in my chest. I thought I could handle this, but seeing her crying and being within feet of her is proving otherwise.
Why do my heart and my brain have to be at odds? Because my heart is telling me to run over and hug her and tell her everything is going to be okay, and that we will get through this hell together. But my brain is telling me to stay exactly where I am and avoid her at all costs so I can protect myself. Not that she would hurt me, but I’m afraid I would hurt her. I don’t want to add more guilt by snapping at the girl who is like my sister onto my already heavy conscience.
The back door opens and another large man steps out as the blonde woman, who I assume is Rowe, comes to the front seat. Grayson leans into the truck and his hands cup each side of Logan’s face. His forehead dips to hers and his thumb sweeps across her cheek. He places a gentle kiss on her lips and then on her forehead before stepping back and shutting the door softly and joining the other two in the middle of the road.
Landon glances over at me and I can tell he is about to say something, but movement steals my attention.
The three men are walking towards us and my spine steels.
Landon’s head whips towards me and he says, “It’s just my brothers. They are coming over to make sure we are good before they head up to the house. You are safe.”
I nod, and he turns to roll down the window. All three men crouch down to the window.
The car is dark, but I can make out their faces in the moonlight and the streetlight further down the road.
“Carter just texted me saying he parked around the corner and is walking through the woods to make sure we aren’t in for any surprises,” Landon says in a low and informative tone.
Landon leans back in his chair, and I get a good look at his brothers in the window. The one in the middle speaks up. “Alright. The girls know not to get out unless you tell them to.” I recognize his voice from the phone calls as Grayson. His shaggy brown hair peeks out from underneath his baseball hat and when the man next to him hands him a backpack, I see that his arms are covered in tattoos, just like Landon’s are.
The blonde pats Grayson’s shoulder and says, “This isn’t their first rodeo. They will be fine. Don’t worry about them, big bro.”
Grayson’s head snaps towards to his brother, “I will always worry when it comes to my fiancé. But that’s not why I said it.” I can hear the emotion in his voice and I can tell his mind is already back on Logan, whose direction I am refusing to look in.
The blonde goes to speak again, but the brother on the other side of Grayson speaks up. “Noah. Don’t start. Tonight is already a shitshow. Please don’t say something stupid and piss Gray off.” As he speaks, I recognize the deep, intimidating voice as Wesley’s.
Holy shit! This man is terrifying. He is wearing a white t-shirt, his arms free of tattoos, and the look he is giving his brother, you would swear he was shooting daggers through his eyes. How the hell is this man’s presence so intimidating when he is statistically the most approachable looking one?
Landon clears his throat and they all snap their attention to their brother. “Enough. It’s been a long day for everyone. Let’s get in there safely. Secure Mr. Davidson and bring Mrs. Tanner safely back to her husband.” His voice is less robotic and filled with a rare sense of compassion he usually lacks when speaking to his brothers.
I can tell I’m not the only one that notices the oddity because all three of his brother’s eyes go wide as they look to Landon.
Noah and Wes nod and stand to walk away but just before Noah leaves, he leans back in the window, his gaze now on me and says, “Hi Allie. Sorry this is your first impression of us. I swear we aren’t always this amped up and serious.” He flashes me a smile and walks away to join his brother near Grayson’s truck.
My eyes shift back down to stare at the floorboard as my mind tries to process everything that is happening.
While you avoid looking at your best friend.
I shake my head to clear the voices, just as Grayson speaks up.
“Allie?”
My head slowly slides up to meet his gaze. I angle my back against the door to put more distance between us because I know he is about to say something that is going to make me spiral more than I already am.
“I’m really sorry. This is not how I wanted you girls to see each other for the first time. But thank you for understanding the need for it to be this way. She may not understand completely where your mind is at, but be honest with her. That will mean more in the end than if you pretend everything is fine. You are both incredibly strong women and I know one day you will be even stronger friends. No matter how long it takes you both to get back to the place you were.”
I’m speechless as he stands up. That is not what I expected him to say. I thought he was going to tell me to go easy on Logan. I saw the way the two looked at each other just a few moments before. And now here he is telling me to take my time and be honest with her.
I doubt he would say that if he knew just how harsh my honesty would be at this very moment.
Just as he starts to walk away, he leans back down and says, “I’m glad you’re here Allie. Hope this one didn’t annoy you too much.” His hand reaches into the car and he pats Landon’s chest with a smirk on his face.
Landon shakes his head and rolls his eyes as he tries to hide the smirk on his face. “Go. Keep me updated. Don’t let Noah do anything stupid. Be safe.”
Grayson nods and walks away.
Landon rolls up the window and turns up the volume on the radio. “Carter,” he says, pressing the talk button.
Static comes through the radio before a hushed voice filters through the speaker. “I’m here.”
“They are making their way to you now. Everything good?”
“All clear. Best entry is through the sliding back door.”
I tune out as they discuss safety and where the victim might be located. My mind keeps drifting to Logan and reminding me that she is just feets away from me.
I know that by the end of the night I will have to speak with her, but I can’t, for the life of me, devise a plan for what to say. Or even how to act around her.
So I do what I do best. I shut down. Beg my mind to think of anything else but this current situation and listen to the soft rain hitting the windshield.
I have no idea how long we sit there. Every few minutes I glance over to Landon, his head on a constant swivel between the mirrors on our car, Grayson’s truck, and the path the brothers took up to the house.
The silence is almost deafening. So when an alarm goes off on the radio, I jump so far out of my seat I hit my head on the roof of the car. My hand flies to the top of my head. “Shit. That hurt,” I mumble quietly.
Landon is reaching down between his legs, and his head snaps over to me. “You okay?”
I nod.
“I’m going to pull a gun out from under my seat. I will not hurt you. But I need to go help my brothers. Stay in the car. Do not get out. I want you to climb into the driver's seat as soon as I get out. If you see anyone but me or my brothers, or this man,” he pauses to show me a man on his phone with shaggy, dirty blonde hair and a beard. “Drive as fast as you can in any direction if you see anyone but us come out of those woods. Okay?”
I nod, but I am not actually processing what he is saying. Why is this my life? Why does crazy stuff like this keep happening? What alternative universe did I stumble into where every day is like some crazy, messed up scene in a horror movie?
“Allie. I need to know you understand what I am asking.”
I nod, but it’s clear at his hesitancy to bring the gun from under the seat that he needs a verbal answer. “Yes. I understand.”
Landon nods and pulls out the gun. He talks fast and quietly into the comms system and the next thing I know, he is opening the door. Glancing over his shoulder, I can see from the pained look on his face, this is the last thing he wants to do. His free hand scrubs the back of his neck and he shakes his head.
I have no idea what is going on inside his mind right now, but whatever is happening is far from good.
Landon gets out of the car and scans the area. Just before shutting the door, he leans down and says, “Climb into this seat and lock the doors.” I hear the last lingering bit of emotion in his voice as he shuts the door and waits for me to climb over.
My body moves like it’s on autopilot, and I press the lock button just as my butt hits the seat. As soon as I do, he pulls on the door handle, keeps the gun down and tucked into his side and moves over to Grayson’s truck.
I can barely see, but he leans into the window of the truck and explains something to Logan and Rowe. Something moving in the woods behind him cuts their talk short.
Landon spins and motions for Logan and me to get ready to speed away. My arms lock up as I grip the steering wheel and I beg my mind to go into that horrid place of complete numbness. A place I used to go to shut out the hours of harassment and torture inside that horrific basement.
Closing my eyes for a brief second, I let that feeling sink in. And just as I am about to place the car in drive, Grayson emerges from the woods.
Once again, I am frozen. He has Carter on his back in a piggyback. Noah emerges a moment later, holding a woman who is crying hysterically.
Grayson is shouting something as Landon runs to meet him in the middle of the road. The door to Grayson’s truck flies open and Logan, followed by Rowe, rush the boys. Grayson and Noah yell at them to get back in the car, but they aren’t listening.
Rowe is kneeling on the ground next to Carter, who is curled into the fetal position on the road. Logan is attempting to calm the woman down, but is failing. She keeps swinging her fists, almost knocking Noah in the face.
So much commotion is going on and here I am stuck watching from behind a window. Part of me wants to jump out and help them, but the other part wants to stay as far away from this chaos as possible.
I watch as Landon’s head is on a constant swivel between each of his brothers and me.
Out of nowhere, Noah points toward me and I hear Landon’s voice clear as day. “Absolutely not.”
I must have zoned out for a moment because I have no idea what he is saying until I catch sight of Rowe sobbing on the ground. Carter’s face is twisted in pain as he clutches his leg.
Logan is running back and forth between Carter and the woman, trying to help both at the same time.
She is standing in front of the woman, trying to grab her hand, when the woman breaks her other arm out of Noah’s hold and punches Logan right in the face. Blood immediately bursts from her nose and sprays all over Noah’s arm.
I feel my mouth drop open and the scene in front of me erupts into one of complete and total chaos.
Noah says something to her and Logan stands there stunned for a moment, before shaking her head, wiping her arms under her nose, then attempts to help the woman.
The woman starts flailing and poor Noah tries to keep hold of her, but she is little and scrappy. My head is on a constant swing, trying to navigate between everyone, when a scream from Rowe distracts everyone and the woman takes it as her chance to swings at Logan. And because Logan is momentarily distracted, I look back in the exact moment the woman’s fist connects directly with her temple. I know immediately that she is not okay.
Logan sways, and Grayson is next to her in seconds. His large hands cup her face and I can tell she’s telling him she’s perfectly fine. But knowing what… he did to her and her history of chronic migraines, she is far from okay.
She tries once more to push her fiancé away, but he ignores her. He wipes his hand under her nose and I can see the blood coating his hand. They argue back and forth but drop it when the woman tries making a break for it. Logan points and Grayson hesitates for a moment before him and Noah go after her, leaving Logan to sway on her feet.
What the hell is going on right now?
Everything in me wants to go out to her, but I can’t. I can’t get my feet to move. I know I need to get out and help, but I’m frozen in place.
My gaze shifts to Landon, who is now forcing Logan to sit down in the patch of grass at the side of the road. All while directing Rowe on how to help Carter, monitoring the woods, and me.
Noah and Grayson walk up with the woman in Noah’s arms. Logan stands back up and follows Noah to the truck where he is placing the woman, Grayson follows directly behind his fiancé.
Seconds later, Noah is jumping out of the truck and hurrying over to Landon, who is standing above Rowe and Carter, and says something. I hear Landon say no again and this time I catch on when Rowe is pointing at the car and it all clicks into place.
Maybe it’s the fact that Logan is now in the truck and not near Rowe and Carter? Or the fact that Landon is speaking on behalf of me, and while I appreciate it, I will never let a man make decisions for me again.
Before I even notice I am doing it, I am out of the car and walking over. Landon’s head snaps to me and he closes the distance between us. As he gets close, he lowers his voice for only me to hear and says, “Allie. Everything is fine. Get back in the car. Please.”
I peek around him and see he is wrong. The chaos is very much still prevalent. Noah is sprinting back into the woods. And with a quick glance at the truck, the woman is trying to get out of the truck, while Logan is holding a shirt to her nose while helping Grayson block the woman from hurting herself.
My attention is brought back to Landon when he clears his throat, but I get distracted when I hear Rowe’s attempts to calm down Carter. Now that I’m close, I can see that is far from happening. Carter’s leg is clearly broken, and the bone is seconds from breaking out from under the skin near his ankle.
Landon clears his throat once more. “Allie. Please get back in the car. You are much safer there than out here and I cannot have you getting caught up in the middle of this.” His dark blues peer down into mine and I can see he is seconds from losing it. He is desperately trying to cling to anything he can control. But unfortunately for him, even though I know he means well, I have had enough of people trying to control me.
I shake my head and say, “Carter needs help. And in case you forgot, I am a nurse. I know you mean well, but like I’ve said before, please stop treating me with kid gloves. I can make my own decisions. And right now, I think you can use all the help you can get.”
“Allie.” His voice comes out completely defeated but with a level of understanding. I follow his gaze over to Logan, who has caught on to the fact that I am now standing within a foot of her. Her entire body is rigid and I can see the tears in her eyes even through the truck’s windows. And I know they aren’t from her face starting to swell from the hit she just took.
I close my eyes for a second, take a deep breath, and when I open them, I step around Landon to kneel next to Carter and Rowe.
I take one final deep breath in an attempt to get rid of the panic. I go to touch Carter but freeze.
Shit. No Allie. You can do this.
Breathe. You are not with him. This man needs help. Breathe.
Closing my eyes, I take a big deep breath and force myself to go into a place that I became very familiar with when I was stuck.
Nope, not going there. Help this poor man.
Quietly to myself, I say, “I can do this.”
Opening my eyes, my hands shake as I reach out to touch him. His eyes lock with mine and I can see the pain he is trying to hide from Rowe, but failing to do so.
Panic starts to rise in me, but I shake my head and will it down.
I didn’t survive months locked in the basement to come out useless. I survived for a reason and now is my time to prove it. Even if I know I am far from ready to face helping myself, let alone another person.
Rowe and Carter’s cries hit me at once and I fight the tears that are threatening to fall at the sound of their pain.
Focus Allie.
Carter and Rowe’s eyes plead with me to help them and I take another breath when I feel someone come up behind me, and my head snaps over my shoulder. I am relieved to see that it is Landon, and when he crouches down next to me, he taps his elbow against mine. The noise starts to quiet.
“Tell me what to do,” he says calmly, his voice low.
It takes me a moment to clue into what he is trying to do, but he doesn’t rush me. I watch as he quietly whispers to Rowe to try to calm her down. Carter takes a big deep breath as Rowe settles and his eyes lock with mine. He flashes me a small smile that I know is full of pain but knowing. He gives me a tiny nod, and it’s like everything clicks back into place.
I can do this. I am not some random broken girl. I am a nurse and it is my job to help people in need. And this man needs my help.
Taking a deep breath, I tap Landon on the arm lightly. He leans closer to me, our arms brushing, and I whisper so that only he can hear, “Is there something we can use to stabilize his leg? His bone is about to pop out and if it does, we will have a very big problem.”
He nods and instructs Rowe to the bed of Grayson’s truck.
She returns quickly and I scrounge through the bag until I find items that will help me stabilize Carter’s leg. It’s not pretty when I’m done but after checking the pulse points to ensure we didn't cut off blood supply when shifting him around, I place the last strap around his leg and sit back on my feet to give him a moment to breathe before we move him.
Sweat drips down Carter’s forehead and I know he is in a crazy amount of pain, but he still says, “Wow. This shit hurts worse than falling off a damn horse at twenty miles an hour, but at least I’m no longer bracing for the moment I was about to see what my bones look like.”
I glance over at Landon, feeling awful that I wasn’t quiet enough with my fears earlier, and he shakes his head, a small smile spreading on his face. “He didn’t hear you. He’s a volunteer firefighter and has seen some things.”
My eyebrows raise and I nod, turning my attention back to Carter and Rowe, who is rubbing a hand up and down his back. Her eyes lock on Carter’s and I can tell this girl is madly in love with this man. And maybe Carter is in too much pain or focused on his leg to notice this girl was seconds from cutting off her own leg for this man.
Landon helps Carter stand, placing an arm around his waist, while Carter’s arm goes around his shoulders.
I stand and flash a smile at them and start to turn around, but Carter stops me. He holds out a hand to me, as Rowe runs around to the other side and snakes her arm around his waist on the other side. He smiles down at her and reverts his attention back to me.
“Hey. Thank you, uh…I just realized I never got your name.”
I hesitate for a moment before shaking his hand, but ultimately decide to. One step at a time.
“It’s Allie. And you’re welcome. Hope you get back on your feet soon,” I say, flashing him a small smile and shake his hand briefly before wrapping my arms back around myself. I catch Landon watching me and he gives me a reassuring nod before assisting Carter to the truck.
And as I watch them walk away, all the adrenaline drains from my body and I am hit with an extreme wave of exhaustion. I was so focused on helping Carter, I didn’t even notice Logan standing directly behind me. When I turn around, I am shocked. Her face is red from crying, blood stains her face, chest, and her hands. It truly looks like she just face planted into a pool of blood.
Her arms drop from being wrapped around herself and she steps into me to give me a hug. I step back and her eyes go wide.
Immediately I want to apologize. She is not the one at fault. She did not do this. But I can’t find the words to say anything close to sorry.
“Allie. I am so, so sorry. I know nothing I say will ever make it any better, but please understand, I had no idea. I swear all I ever did was try everything I could to make sure he never found you. There are no words on the planet that will ever be enough to express how sorry I am. And I will do anything and everything to prove that to you.”
I stare at her. No words come out of my mouth. I don’t run into her arms and hug her. I don’t tell her everything will be fine and that I forgive her. I don’t tell her she is not at fault and not to blame herself.
Instead, I take another step back, steel my spine, fold my arms over my chest, and say, “I appreciate it. But I need time. I can’t do this right now, Logan. I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much.” My voice comes out cold and void of emotion.
I watch as tears stream down her face and I feel a pang in my chest, but push it away.
I glance over my shoulder and see Landon is standing a few feet behind me. His eyebrows raise and he gives me a questioning look.
I want to get the hell out of here. Because at this point, even if I am staying in the same place Logan used to, anything is better than standing here, staring at the girl I feel an immense amount of anger towards.
Landon nods his head towards the car, and I turn around, avoiding Logan’s eyes.
I get to the car and as soon as I sink into the seat and shut the door, I feel a single tear slide down my cheek. Quickly, I swipe it away. I keep my head down until the car door opens. Landon slides in and slowly we make our way back down the road.
A few minutes into the drive, Landon says, “I’m sorry about tonight. But just so you know, you did great. And I don’t think anyone here would have had the strength to do what you did tonight. Logan will be fine. You did what was best for you and sometimes that’s all that matters. Don’t feel guilty for doing what you needed to do to protect yourself. And I know we are still virtually strangers and this may not mean much but I am very proud of you. You handled that with grace and care. You shut everything out and helped him and stood up for you. Be proud of that Allie, because I know for certain if I was in your shoes, I would have reacted completely different.”
I let his words sink in and nod despite him not being able to see me.
He’s right. I did what I needed to do to protect myself. I may not care what happens tomorrow because let’s face it, this world is chaos and I am just riding it until I lose the strength to fall off. But as long as I do have the will to keep holding on, I will no longer let others’ needs come before mine.
Even if it is my best friend. Even if I still love her like a sister. Even if I know the truth. It all boils down to one thing.
I am tired of being hurt, and seeing her will only bring up what I am desperately trying to avoid.