Chapter Seventeen
Landon
“LANDON! Wake up, honey!”
“Conrad. Call an ambulance. Call Logan.” Mom’s melodic voice sounds close to my face, but I don’t open my eyes. I can’t. I don’t want to see what I know will be a scene I will never forget.
My head is screaming at me, but I manage to find my voice. “No. Don’t call Logan. She doesn’t need to see her like this.”
Hands flutter over my face and I wince. I don’t deserve to be comforted. I failed Allie and because fate is some terrifying version of a horror film, I am still here.
Why couldn’t I have just met my ultimate demise? I’ve failed everyone enough for a lifetime.
“Lan. Stay still. I’m going to call an ambulance.” Dad’s voice sounds from somewhere above me.
“No. I don’t need one. Let them take her. She’s gone, but she doesn’t need to be out in this rain.” I hear my voice shake and red hot pain courses through my head.
Shit. I must have landed on my head. Reaching up, I try to feel for a cut, but I don’t feel anything.
I want to say that’s good, but I don’t deserve to be here. She does.
“Sweetheart, who is she? Is there someone here with you?” Mom rubs her hands up and down my arms. Rain hits my face, and the wind picks up, causing me to shiver.
“I don’t know, but she’s here. Don’t let them leave without her. Check the ditch or under the car. She’s light as air right now, so she probably flew when we got hit,” I explain, still refusing to open my eyes.
Someone drapes something warm over me and my dad’s cologne envelops me, giving me an ounce of comfort.
“Son. No one is here with you. I’ve checked. Can you open your eyes and try to tell us what happened?”
Frustration builds as I try to explain, and they keep sounding confused. Finally, my eyes fly open and I sit up. My head whips around frantically, looking for Allie, and that’s when I freeze and see where I am.
I’m on the ground next to my truck. Mom is kneeling next to me, concern is evident all over her face, and Dad is standing above me, his phone in hand, ready to call someone.
“Conrad, come stand behind him so he can lean against your legs and get his back off these wet rocks.”
Dad does as he’s told and my spine is rigid for a moment while I try to process what is happening.
Where is Allie? Why aren’t we on the road? How the hell did I get back to my house?
Looking down, I see my phone sitting on the ground a few feet away. “Mom, can you hand me my phone?”
Reaching over, she grabs the phone, wipes the water off the screen and hands it over. She says nothing, but the worried look on her face tells me all I need to know. She is scared and I want to reassure her, but I need to find Allie. I cannot fail her. Again.
Tapping the screen, I see a series of missed calls and texts and unlock the phone.
Ignoring all the messages from my brothers and work, I go straight to Allie’s message thread.
Allie : I’m fine. You don’t need to come over.
Swiping over, I check the time she sent the text, and it’s marked as being sent fifteen minutes ago.
My entire body sags in relief and I feel Dad step up closer behind me so I can lean on him.
Allie is fine. So what the hell happened?
I stare out at the open driveway, trying to retrace my steps and figure out what I’m missing. And when my eyes lock on the kicked up gravel near the back passenger side of my truck, everything clicks into place.
My hand goes to the back of my neck, and I shake my head. I’ve never known what rock bottom felt like but I can imagine it’s somewhere close to this.
“Landon. I really think we should call an ambulance, or at least Logan. Wes is out of state, or I would call him. You were saying some crazy things, so you must have hit your head pretty hard,” Mom says quietly, searching my face for a hint of what’s going on inside my head.
Shaking my head, I shift my legs to stand and feel Dad’s arms behind me, guiding me up as Mom stands in front of me, doing the same.
“I’m fine,” I say, stepping around Mom and heading inside.
I know they are right on my heels, so I don’t bother shutting the door. Not bothering to look behind me, I head straight for the kitchen and fill a glass with water.
Leaning against the counter, I hold the glass to my lips, close my eyes and, as the cool water hits my throat, I imagine it’s something much stronger. I can’t give into my inhibitions in front of my parents because they will see right through me. I’ve hidden it for years and they aren’t about to find out now.
When I open my eyes, I see Mom sitting at the counter and Dad behind her. Mom’s face is full of worry and Dad is staring at me like he’s trying to look for clues as to what’s up with me. I am a little hotheaded at times, but who isn’t with three brothers and a job that shows you the true evil in this world?
No one says anything and I don’t bother explaining. Whatever they are thinking in their heads is most likely not even close. Because the only person who sees the fire inside my veins that burns hotter than any brush fire is me, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone see that.
“Lan. What happened out there?”
Setting the glass on the counter behind me, I cross my arms over my chest and shrug, “I guess I slipped and hit my head on the ground.”
“You were out cold when we pulled up. It took us a few minutes to wake you up, son. That’s not a simple smack on the head.”
“I feel fine. If I get a headache or something, I will go get checked or go to Gray and Lo’s.”
“That’s a good place, honey, but that doesn’t explain why you woke up searching for a girl. I know I stay out of you boys’ business when it comes to relationships but–”
“Mom. There is no relationship. Everything is fine. I just slipped. It was raining and I lost my footing. People say crazy shit when they hit their heads sometimes.” I try to sound convincing, but it comes out as agitated and I know by the look on Dad’s face, he will not let it slide. I may be an adult, but nothing will stop either of them from calling any of us out on being an asshole. Especially Dad. He is fiercely protective of Mom, as he should be.
Dad steps out from behind Mom and sits in the seat next to her, his hands resting on the counter like he’s here for a business deal.
Fuck. I love them and they are worried, but I just want them to leave so I can have a drink and try to get some sleep.
“Here’s the deal. We weren’t just stopping by to say hello.” He pauses to have a silent conversation with Mom, and I roll my eyes. I know whatever they are about to say is going to end in me being a dickhead. I want to save them the trouble and just kick them out now before it escalates to that point, but I know it’s pointless to try. When Mom digs her heels into something, Dad is right behind her, keeping anyone involved from turning the conversation.
At this point, I don’t care. I will tell them whatever is close, but still far from the truth. As long as Allie doesn’t get brought into the conversation, it should be easy. I don’t want Mom getting any ideas about Allie needing anyone, even if she is just being nice. Allie needs time and space to herself and I happen to be the person she feels somewhat safe with that isn’t completely tied to her past.
Dad’s focus comes back to me, his deep blue eyes staring straight into mine. “We are worried about you. No one has heard from you in a few days. Since the last mission, your brothers have said it’s been radio silent. And before you get all up in arms, we know you need your space, but it’s been days. Noah said he tried calling you four times, and you didn’t answer. Wes got a tip on one of Carter’s cases but didn’t have his number. Tried to get it from you, but you didn’t answer. Gray–”
Putting my hands up, I stop him. “I got it, Dad. I haven’t been responding. Something must be up with my phone, because I haven’t heard from anyone. I thought they were all off doing their own thing since the last mission was…yeah.”
My head starts to hurt as I try to figure out what the hell he is talking about. I haven’t heard from anyone. Maybe I’ve ignored the group chats or something, but I would have answered if one of them called or needed something. Especially Wes because if he’s out on a fire, we rarely hear from him unless it’s necessary.
Mom shakes her head, “Honey. Whatever is going on, you can tell us. We aren’t going to judge. And if you just wanted space after a rough mission or time to yourself, that’s okay. What you boys do isn’t easy, and it would be perfectly fine to want to disappear for a little bit.”
Scrubbing my hand down my face, “Mom. I’m telling the truth. I haven’t heard from anyone. You know damn well if Wes called while he’s out on a fire, I wouldn’t ignore him.”
Her head tilts slightly, and she nods, agreeing with me. “You got me there. But I’m still worried about you. Your hands haven’t stopped shaking since we got inside. You have always had a bit of a short fuse, but it’s always directed at your brothers and they most likely deserved it.”
My eyes dart down to my hands and I see that she’s right. They are shaking like leaves in the wind and I push them in my pockets to hide them.
Nice move. She’s definitely going to believe you aren’t hiding something now.
“I just need to eat and get some sleep.”
I need them out of my house. I can feel my anger bubbling, and I don’t want to be a complete jackass to my parents. Plus, I need to figure out what they are talking about. Because I know damn well I haven’t heard from anyone. Including Allie. That’s why I was in such a rush. I clearly need to get a new phone so I don’t miss anymore calls or texts and have them on my case again.
My parents share another look and rise from their chairs. “Alright. Well, we will get out of your hair so you can get some rest. If you need anything, call us.”
I nod and we all make our way to the front door. I step to the side to hold the door open and Dad pats me on the shoulder before walking outside. Mom stops and glances outside before she returns to me.
“Lan. I know you are grown, but you’re still my son and you will always be my baby. You may not think so, but I know you better than you think. I can see something is wrong behind those beautiful eyes of yours. You don’t have to tell me anything, but whatever it is, don’t let it get to the point where it consumes you completely. Because even the strongest have a hard time coming back from that depth of darkness.”
My chest constricts, and I fight back the pain threatening to scream out of me. She cannot know. I refuse to be a burden. This woman has done so much for me and so many others. She is the definition of a superhero and I want her to be proud of me despite how many times I’ve failed. If she knew how often I’ve given into temptation and the devil inside a bottle, she would be disappointed, and that's something I could never survive.
Shaking my head, I nod. “Thanks Mom. I love you. Sorry for being an ass.”
Her hand goes to my face, “Oh sweetheart. Whatever is going on in that mind of yours, please know that whatever it is, I will love you no matter what. You are so strong and not just for others, but for yourself. And if you ever doubt for a moment, you can’t make it past this, just come to me and I will tell you how proud of you I am, how much I love you, and what we are going to do to fix it.”
Damn this woman.
I nod and give her a quick hug before I lose it. She hugs me tight and waves goodbye.
Shutting the door, I lock it and lean my back against it, my head thumping against the wood.
If she only knew what was going on, she wouldn’t be saying those words. There is no way someone could still be proud of the person I’ve become.
My name is Landon Hayes. I have a family that loves me. A roof over my head. A job that helps give people a second chance at life. And I know the second anyone finds out, the only reason I am still standing is because of the one thing that is trying to kill me. It’s evil and shouldn’t hold as much power over me as it does. It’s a simple substance that is consumed by millions a day, but to me, it’s a lifeline. And I know the moment those who love me find out, they will hate me for giving into something so simple and letting it take over my entire life.
I should stop. I want to stop. But I can’t. Because if I do, all the failures and ones I’ve let slip through my fingers will blind me to the point of nonexistence. If I let that happen, then I will leave others to pick up the shoes I failed to fill. So here I am, trading one killer for the next.
Pushing off the door, my body moves on its own accord and before I even realize it, I have a glass of whiskey in my hand.
Heading upstairs to my bedroom, I open the sliding glass doors and step out onto the covered balcony that is only big enough for two lawn chairs. I added this on about a year ago when my insomnia kicked into full gear. I didn’t want to risk falling asleep outside downstairs and becoming bear food, but the inside was suffocating some nights, so I found a solution.
Sinking into one of the chairs, I pull my phone out of my pocket.
In the chaos of everything with my parents, I wasn’t paying attention to my phone, and I needed to see if I missed a text from Allie.
The dream, illusion, whatever the hell that was after I was knocked out, tries to come back like a damn movie, but I shove it away by taking a large swig of my drink.
Tapping the messenger app, I see nothing from Allie and let out a sigh of relief.
Not that you could help her if she did. You can’t stay sober long enough.
“Fuck you,” I say and take another drink.
When I click out of Allie and I’s message thread, I click on the group chat with my brothers.
Gray : Landon. Answer your fucking phone.
Noah : You better have a good excuse for not answering my calls. It’s not nice to ignore your best friends for DAYS asshat.
Wes : I figured it out. Next time, answer your phone.
My brows furrow and I tap out of the group chat and see texts from my brothers just to me, all saying something similar.
What is going on? These weren’t there earlier.
Exiting the app, I see that I have twenty missed calls. Most are from my brothers and my parents, but some are from Carter and Lachlan, my two friends from the police academy who do their own versions of missions.
I listen to all their voicemails and reread all the texts.
They were right. I wasn’t answering and my phone wasn’t broken. How the hell did I miss all of this? I haven’t slept in days, so I would have seen all of this.
You know why.
For once, I listen to the voices in my head and stare down at my nearly empty glass. This should be my sign, but the longer I stare at it and debate the alternative, the answer is simple.
I drain the last of the glass and snag the half empty bottle hidden in the side pocket of the chair.
Both directions are bad. But one doesn’t involve letting my fuck ups fall on others and for now, that’s the best answer to all this madness.