Chapter Eighteen
Allie
The cool breeze sends a shiver down my spine and I curl the blanket tighter around me.
My eyes are locked on the fire in front of me and I watch as the flames dance in the wind. The past few weeks have passed in a blur. Ever since I got my new phone and had a connection to my past, the days have been difficult.
Every day, I try to do something that I used to, trying to get back to some semblance of my old self. And testing myself to see if there is any sliver or branch of who I was before there to cling on to. Some days, there is. Some days, I can find a piece of that old girl and I am able to lean on her.
The day I got my phone back and saw those texts from my mom sent me into a tailspin so devastating, I knew I had to do something. I knew if I didn’t, I would be one step closer to losing the war, fighting strongly every second inside my broken mind.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at photos or social media, so I did what any other person in an uncomfortable situation does to look busy. I opened up Amazon in search of some sort of hobby to keep my mind occupied. The first thing that popped up was the renewal of the protein waffles I used to take on my longer runs. And that was a memory I didn’t push away. So I ordered myself some new shoes and clothes on next day shipping.
My first few runs were into the heart of Cliff Haven. The town is small, almost like the ones back home where I grew up, but here it’s quiet. Peaceful almost. Every time I run, I change up my path in case someone is watching, but I always make a point to go by the playground near the elementary school. It’s older and could use a few updates, but there’s something special about that place. It reminds me of the beach playground Landon and I stopped by on the road trip here.
Not wanting to get caught up in the day to day of a small town or risk someone approaching me, especially anyone in the Hayes family besides Landon, I started exploring the trails nearby.
I was finding a routine and feeling slightly hopeful because I had been running trails that lead to stunning waterfalls and cliffs. Until one day, reality came crashing back in when I stumbled onto a waterfall and just as I looked over the edge, I saw Logan and Grayson sitting on the water’s edge, their feet dangling in the water.
I didn’t think, I just ran. I ran all the way back to my car and then hid inside the cabin for a few days until the panic attacks slowed and I could step outside again.
I didn’t fully seclude myself in the house because, if I did, I would never escape my mind. So I ran in the woods behind the cabin. Probably not the best idea since I am no stranger to crime documentaries and the fact that I was the principal cast member in one myself, but I’ve already escaped hell once. What’s one more?
On the first day, to my complete surprise, a couple hundred feet behind the house, I stumbled upon a run down shed, oddly similar to the one Alec found me in. And because I am determined to test fate more, I looked inside and found it completely empty. The roof was slowly caving in and the wooden floor warped, but for some odd reason, I didn’t find it creepy. I found it oddly peaceful.
Every day that I spent avoiding the chances of running into someone, I found myself going back to the shed, each time spending a little more time in there. Not sure why, it wasn’t close to safe and if something decided to attack me, I’d be at its mercy, but I didn’t care. Still don’t.
My phone lights up and a friend request from an old friend from college pops up, Harrison, causing my chest to constrict. I had turned off my notifications, but I guess in one of my panicked states, I must have turned them back on.
The request has my mind racing back to the time when Logan, Harrison, and I would hang out back in Alabama. He was a physical therapy student, and we all met at a football game. He wasn’t around a ton because Logan was a little hesitant around men, which now, after the little I know, I can see why.
Memories of us three together hit me, along with the ones of Harrison and I both getting jobs in Flordia. Harrison tagged along on beach trips with my family since he aged out of the foster system. And at the time, my best friend was across the country in Washington, so it was great having a familiar face in a new town.
Mom and Dad’s smiles and laughter fill my mind and my chest constricts tighter.
Nope. I can’t do this tonight. Not right now.
Refusing to let my mind take over, I stand and start pacing in front of the fire. Another cool breeze whips through the air, not distracting me but reminding me that my days of running to clear my mind are dwindling fast.
The idea of being stuck in the cabin for months scares me. I won’t have anywhere to go to escape my mind. The only person I’ve seen in the weeks since I’ve been here besides the mission is Landon.
He has been checking in every day or every other day. I’m not sure if he is just trying to be nice or if he is doing it for himself. I’m not blind. I can see something going on behind those ocean blue eyes.
As much as I hate to admit that I can’t fight this alone and be the brave, strong woman I once was, some days, being alone is so deafening that I can’t take it anymore. No matter what I do, I can’t silence the voices or memories. Just as I reach the point where I feel like my entire body is going to collapse, I do the one thing I said I would never do. I text Landon.
For some odd reason, Landon sitting in the same room fills the silence, even if he doesn’t say a single word. We just sit here or by the fire pit. We don’t talk. He doesn’t ask why I called and I don’t ask him why his hands are shaking so badly that he has to sit on them.
A better person would ask him if he was okay, but right now, I am not that person.
He stays for hours and only leaves when I fall asleep or I ask him to go. Sometimes it’s hours and sometimes it’s just a few minutes. And some days when the rain is relentless, we go for a drive.
Every time he leaves, I swear it’s the last time I will call him. I want to believe that I am strong enough to make it through this on my own, but that is simply not how the game of fate is playing out.
So here I am again, doing something I’ve told myself repeatedly not to do.
Pulling out my phone, I tap on his contact, careful to avoid any of the unread texts and hundreds of social media notifications.
Allie : *stop sign*
That has been our way of communication. It may seem juvenile, but how else are you supposed to convey how dark your mind is wandering to a stranger? One who has turned into an odd sense of comfort and safety in the darkest moments. I am too afraid to speak out loud. Because the second you do, all the pain you are feeling goes from some messed up internal monologue to something real and raw that you cannot take back.
Landon : 5.
Sitting back in my chair, I rest my feet on the edge of the rocks surrounding the metal firepit, curl the blanket tighter around me, and wait for the sound of his tires crunching on the gravel.
What feels like seconds later, the telltale sign of his truck coming up the driveway sounds behind me. His door shutting echos throughout the property and I don’t meet his eyes as he approaches the fire pit, sitting down in a chair opposite me.
We sit in silence, the only sound being the crackling fire floating through the crisp, almost winter air.
Time passes and I risk looking up at him. The fire illuminates his face and I can tell he is in some faraway place. His eyes are glassy and his hands are gripping his jean covered thighs.
Some days I am so stuck inside my own head I barely notice he is here, but today, despite the never ending pain inside me, I see him. I don’t know what is going on in that mind of his, but today he isn’t hiding behind the mask like he usually does. I want to ask him if he is okay. The guilt of knowing I called him over here, so I wasn’t alone in my grief when he was clearly battling something of his own screams at me to stop being selfish. But the words are in some faraway land, so I do the only thing I can think of.
I search for the way to find the words, but I hesitate. I have no idea what is going on with him and everything in me is telling me to be on guard and to never trust another man for as long as I live. But Landon hasn’t once given me a reason to believe I can’t.
Stop being selfish and help him.
This is a trap. Don’t do it.
I fight the invisible battle inside my head while watching Landon, so lost in his mind, he doesn’t even notice me staring.
A cool breeze whips through the air and it causes us to both react, sending shivers across both our bodies.
Taking that as a sign, I lean forward. “Landon.”
His head whips up at my voice and I can almost see his mask slipping back into place as he rubs his hands on his jeans and shakes his head.
Landon’s deep blues search mine and I stand. “Can I show you something?”
His eyebrows raise in confusion, but he nods, walks around the pit, to hand me the keys and I shake my head.
“We aren’t leaving.”
He gives me another confused look, but nods again and holds his finger up, asking me to wait. I nod and he walks over to grab the hose attached to the side of the house. And when he returns, I step back and watch as he extinguishes the flames and places the cover back on the pit.
When he’s all done, he faces me and I tilt my head, signaling for him to follow me.
We make our way towards the tree line behind the house and Landon pulls out his phone to illuminate the pathway as the sun slowly fades away behind the trees.
Pulling the blanket tighter around me, I step over a fallen tree trunk and glance over my shoulder.
Landon’s nose scrunches, and he gives me a skeptical look.
“I’m not going to murder you,” I say, a hint of amusement in my tone at the fact that a man that risks his life to save people fears following a woman half his size into the woods.
The back of my mind screams at me, telling me not to do this, because he could be an excellent liar and this would be the perfect way to get away with something. Something in me is telling me to trust him, even though I shouldn’t. But if I can’t trust him, even if it is just a tiny bit, then I truly am all alone in this world.
Waving my hand, I turn back around and start heading toward of the shed. It takes a moment, but then I hear the crunch of Landon’s shoes on the forest floor, followed by the light illuminating a pathway staying at a consistent distance behind me.
Reaching the door of the shed, I turn around, take my phone out of my back pocket, and tap the flashlight. Landon’s very confused face shines in the bright light a few feet back.
Keeping my eye on him, only turning my head for a brief second to check inside the shed as I push the door open.
Stepping to the side, I motion for Landon to follow me, and he shakes his head.
Rolling my eyes, I tilt my head towards the shed again.
He remains in his spot. “Sorry. But there is not a chance in hell I am following you in there. I may do way scarier shit for a living and not to stereotype, but women love true crime documentaries. And this is exactly how that shit starts.”
A laugh escapes me and my hand flies to my mouth. I watch as Landon’s head slightly tilts and a small smile spreads across his face. The faraway, lost look temporarily replaced with fear that I am bringing this six foot, covered in tattoos, beast of a man out to kill him.
Crossing my arms over my chest and leaning against the side of the shed, “Not to be an ass, but if I was going to kill you, I wouldn’t do it this way. Trust me, I have thought of thousands of ways how to kill a man over the last months and the way of a shed in the woods is boring as hell.”
His face morphs into pity until another laugh escapes me, and he shakes his head. Looking over his shoulder, he slowly steps up to the shed and shines his light inside, his eyes darting back and forth to my hands.
Finally, he steps inside and I follow behind him, shutting the door behind me not only to hear if someone comes, but to mess with me.
His eyes go wide, and he places himself in the corner, his back pressed against the wall.
I do the same on the opposite wall and slide down until I am sitting on the floor, bringing my knees to my chest, curling the blanket around me.
I watch as Landon takes everything in before mimicking my motions.
We sit in silence as rain sounds against the roof and a sense of calm and peacefulness overtakes me. Gone are the never-ending thoughts of my past life, and all I can hear is the rain.
Landon’s voice breaks the silence. My face tilts to look over at him, my chin resting on my hands.
“Allie. You can tell me no, but the rain is leaking over here. Would it be okay if I sat on your side?”
Tilting my phone up to the ceiling, I see water dripping onto him, his shirt and beanie wet.
“Yeah.”
Standing, he walks over and sits down on the same wall as me, a few feet separating us.
“I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but something happened the other day. And I–”
Glancing over at him, not hiding shock and the anxiety of what he is trying to say from my face.
“Nevermind. It’s stupid,” He says shaking his head and waving his hand.
“Landon. Tell me.” My mind races. Did he find something about my parents? Did Mike somehow get to someone else I care about? Did something happen to Logan?
Panic rises in my chest and my once safe space becomes smaller and smaller.
“Shit. Sorry. Nothing bad happened. Sorry,” Landon says, sounding closer than before.
When did I close my eyes? Why do my shoulders feel heavier?
My eyes fly open and I glance back to see Landon’s black coat draped over my shoulders and him leaning over slightly to talk to me.
“I–uh–sorry,” I mutter.
“No. It’s my fault.”
Shrugging, I allow myself to calm down, and he gives me time to collect myself.
“Okay,” I say, avoiding his gaze.
“So I had a mishap the other day, and I didn’t like the place my mind went. And I know you said you can take care of yourself. And I know you have had me come over, but is it okay if we set a better plan?” His words come out at rapid speed and I struggle to keep up.
“A plan? What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.
Scrubbing his hand down his face, his shoulders bunch and the muscles in his neck twitch, causing the lines of his tattoos that peek out the collar of his shirt to move as he tries to find the right words.
“Is it possible to have a plan where, if I check in and don’t hear from you, I can come by? Or I stop by after I am away for a few days for work or family, and I don’t hear from you, I can knock on the door? And after a set amount of time has passed, if I hear nothing, I can use a key to get into the house to make sure your okay?” He started out sounding like robot Landon, but as his rapid succession of questions came, I heard more and more of something I can’t quite place.
I can’t tell if it’s fear or something else. Whatever it is, it has to be big for him to ask something that he knows would invade my ability to take care of myself and have a sense of security that no one can get inside my house or mess with me.
“Um. I—”
“I swear it's nothing more than making sure you’re okay. I promise.” His voice is calmer and the look in his eyes tells me it’s something deeper, but I am not going to press.
Sighing, “I guess so, as long as you aren’t invading my privacy and only use the key that is in the lockbox.”
“Lockbox?”
“Yes. I installed one on the side of the house. There is a camera near it and the code changes weekly. I will give you the code when I get the notification to change it, but I will see if you go near it. So if you try something, I will see. Don’t make me regret it, Landon, because I may have been kidding about bringing you out here with the intentions of showing you this place. But I won’t hesitate to try one of those many creative ways I imagined in that basement out on you.”
His face drops and I realize in my attempt to make a silly yet forceful way of standing my ground that I just admitted to one of the many things that monster did.
Crap.
Wanting to avoid the inevitable questions that I’m sure are circulating in his head, I stand and make my way to the door.
His shoes sound behind me as I open the door to the rain coming down hard and hand Landon back his jacket.
He shakes his head and says, “Use it. I’ll be fine.”
“I–umm. Thanks.”
Situating the jacket back over my blanket covered shoulders and pulling the hood up, I go to step outside, when his voice stops me.
“I promise I won’t do anything to make you feel unsafe. Ever. This may be selfish, but I just want to make sure you’re okay. You made it too far to go out now.”
What the hell?
Before I can say anything or beg him not to pity me, he continues.
“And thanks for showing me this place. I can see why you come here. It’s…terrifying, but peaceful.” A smile spreads across his face.
All the annoyance and hesitation fade away and I feel my lips turn upwards slightly.
“You’re welcome.”
And with that, we head out of the shed and make our way back to the cabin, Landon once again, giving me space and following behind me.