Chapter Thirty
Allie
“So, before I tell you my plan, know that you can back out any time and I will give you as many passes as you want, but you have to promise to tell the hard truth, even if it’s dark.” Landon levels his gaze with me and lifts one eyebrow as if he is taunting me.
Deciding to throw caution to the wind since this day has already thrown me for a complete loop, I abandon all my inhibitions and say, “Tell me.”
His shoulders relax slightly, but I see he is feeling uneasy about something.
“So, after every game, the winner gets to ask the loser a question.”
A laugh escapes me. “What is this, a sixth-grade sleepover?”
Landon shrugs. “I figured this would be easier than asking questions we are both desperate to know about each other. A lot has happened in the past twenty-four hours, Allie Girl. I will do anything to avoid the hard truth, but what I refuse to do is back down from a challenge.” Landon leans forward. “Do you?”
I take a deep breath and roll my eyes. This may just be a simple card game, but he’s right. I hate losing and I hate answering questions I don’t even know the answer to. And this right here is the perfect way to reveal answers to what I’ve been wondering for months.
Without answering, I lay my first card down and sit back against the couch.
The first game comes to a close quickly and before I know it, I am placing my final card down as Landon stares at his hand full of card after many draw four cards back to back.
Landon lets out an annoyed breath and drops his hand on the table, and scrubs his hand over his face.
“Did you really think that you were going to be the only one asking the questions?” I say, my voice sounding cocky and full of confidence that I haven’t had in months.
Landon shakes his head and starts shuffling the cards. “No, but I didn’t expect to have my ass kicked right out the gate.”
“You should never underestimate me.”
Landon pauses shuffling and levels his gaze with me, his dark blues staring straight into mine. “Since the day I met you, I have never once underestimated you, Allison. I make countless promises to you, but one will never be more true than this. You are stronger than you think and if anyone ever underestimates your strength, then they clearly don’t see the true you. Because after spending just five minutes with you, I knew you were a fighter who should never be underestimated.”
I stare at him for a moment and let his words sink in. Never in my life have I ever felt this constant state of safety yet on edge when in the presence of someone else. Maybe it’s because I have no one else, but I am choosing to ignore the isolation and live in the moment.
“Well thank you, but don’t think you being nice will get you out of answering a question.” I say, a hint of laughter in my voice.
Landon rolls his eyes, nods for me to continue, deals out the next set of cards.
I take a moment to think if I want to hit him hard right out the gate or go for an easier question to see how willing he is to give up information.
“If you could go anywhere in the world right now without the stress of work or family keeping you here or the having to return, where would you go?”
Landon thinks for a moment and absentmindedly shuffles his cards in his hand. “Cannon Beach in Oregon.”
“You don’t want to go somewhere further? Maybe even a different country? You have no responsibilities, no reason to come home, and an unlimited stay and you pick somewhere close to home?”
Landon nods. “Yes, because that place is where I can feel a tiny semblance of peace. There is a giant boulder that sits out further into the water. On really rough days, I will drive out and sit for hours watching the waves crest against the rock. The sound of the water, the birds, and the smell of the ocean air calms me and reminds me to live another day so I can witness the beauty of that place again.”
Wow. I never expected such a simple question to have a deeper meaning. I can see that this place is more than just a simple beach. It’s his safe space.
Grabbing my cards off the table, I sit back and meet his gaze. “Well, it sounds amazing. I’d love to see it someday.”
Landon nods and I can see his mind is somewhere else, but he quickly clears whatever it is and motions for me to begin the next game.
We go back and forth winning games, the questions being much lighter.
What’s your favorite color? Landon, light blue. Me, purple.
What is your favorite time of the year? Me, fall, just as the leaves begin to change color. Landon, spring because he loves the rain.
When is your birthday? Landon, April 13th. Me, August 1st.
After countless simple questions and Landon going on a three win winning streak, I drop my cards on the table in a huff and scowl.
Landon laughs and grabs my cards. “What’s the matter Allie? Sad you’re losing your title of Uno Queen?”
Crossing my arms over my chest, I say, “Nope. The title is still mine. Go ahead with your stupid question.”
Landon sets the deck of cards on the table and shoots me a look that tells me this next question will not be as simple as the others. “How far do you want to go to escape your mind and him? And how much of that involves you and I?”
Shit. I knew this was coming. I knew this morning was going to leave him with questions.
Scrubbing my hands down my face, I don’t allow myself to think too much because if I am being honest with myself, I want to feel that escape again. I want to dive headfirst and care about the consequences and repercussions later.
“All I know is that I want that feeling of peace. Kissing you made me forget for a moment and right now, I can feel myself slipping into a place that I do not want to go. We once were strangers and now we are some odd definition of friends. I know it’s selfish and could ruin everything, but any chance I can get to not slip into a state that I know I may not come back from, I want to dive head first in.” My words trail off as I try to find a way to say my next words.
Landon’s full attention is on me and I know by the look on his face, he is desperate to feel the silence, just like I am. But I’m not blind and I know this isn’t healthy, but even through the pain, I want to help him.
So I close my eyes and take a deep breath before saying the few words that could throw this all down the drain.
I can do this.
The strength and confidence finally finds me and I open my eyes and straighten my spine, my gaze finding his. “This entire ordeal may be selfish and I am willing to risk everything, but there is one thing I will not do and I need you to promise me that this will be the one thing you abide by in this arrangement.”
Landon sits up straight and nods at me to continue.
“I will not touch you, and you will not touch me if you are drunk. I am willing to be used as a tactic to help cure the craving because, let’s be honest, you are gorgeous.” Landon smirks and rests his hands in his lap, his heated gaze never leaving mine.
“It’s no secret that I will be using you just as much as you will be me. Maybe me more than you. But I will not, under any circumstances, touch you if you come to me drunk. I’m not saying that you can’t come to me drunk to sleep it off or talk things out, but I will nothing with you beyond a hug if you are. I know that is hard, but I think it could be…good for you.”
Landon stares at me and I can see the shock on his face. I know he is doubting everything because I basically gave him an ultimatum, but I don’t care. I may need him and his gorgeous tattooed hands on me, but not when he is three sheets to the wind.
Watching him, I can see the gears turning in his head. I can’t even imagine what kind of unknown I’m asking him to walk blindly into, but the facts are clear. I need to not feel his hands on me. Landon needs to quiet the voices in his head. And Landon needs to make a change before his body fights back against the silent killer that he is feeding it every day.
I am looking down at my cards when movement catches my eye and I look up to see Landon holding out his pinky.
“I promise I will never touch you after I drink. I fucked up one time and that will never happen again. I cannot promise to not be a wreck, because I don’t remember the last time I went a day without a drink. If we are going to do this, I need you to understand that I will be knocking at your door at odd hours of the night because that’s when my mind decides to play puppeteer with itself. So if this is really happening, we need to make a mutual agreement that we come to each other when it gets too dark, but we respect each other and if it gets to be too much, we stop. Promise?”
Not wanting to risk talking myself out of this plan that could end in devastation, I link my pinky to his.
Landon squeezes my pinky in his as a smile spreads across his face before he pulls away.
“What’s that look for?” I ask.
Landon huffs in laughter and drops the smile, giving me a straight face. “Nothing. Just that I must be a good kisser for you to want to spend even more time with me and eventually take a trip to my bed.” As the words leave his mouth, his facade drops and he tips his head back in laughter.
Turning around, I grab and pillow from the couch and throw it straight at his face and he falls back to the ground in a fit of laughter.
“I will not be making any trips anywhere if you say that shit again. What are you? A college kid trying to get some at a frat party?” I can’t contain my laughter and squeeze my side while Landon continues to laugh on the ground.
After a few moments, the laughter fades away and all that’s left is a comfortable silence.
Landon sits back up and deals out the next set of cards. “So, do you know what tomorrow is?”
My eyebrows furrow and I check the date on my phone. Damn. I didn’t even realize that tomorrow is yet another holiday that I will be spending alone. I sink further into my seat and nod, a feeling of sadness overtaking me suddenly.
“Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad, I was just going to tell you that if you are feeling up to it, my parents are hosting a party, if you want to come?”
Immediately, I shake my head no.
Landon gives me an understanding nod. “I figured, so I had a back-up plan.” My eyebrows raise in curiosity and he continues, “I have to make an appearance, but I was going to say you could stay here until after the New Year since the roads are too bad to drive to the city to get you a new mattress. Once I fulfill my obligation and make my parents happy, I can duck out and spend the rest of night with you. I can beat your ass in Uno and I think I have Twister somewhere if you really want to get crazy.”
He stands and I roll my eyes.
“That’s fine. I don’t think I’d make it long in the cabin with that heater, anyway. But you are out of your mind if you think I’m going to play Twister with your six foot three ass.”
“Hey! I’m only six feet. Get it right, shortcake.”
“Ew! Absolutely the fuck not.”
Landon stands over me, my coffee mug in hand. “Don’t worry, I have plenty of nicknames that I can try out.” He leans down and plants a quick kiss on my lips and for some reason, it feels like we have had our little arrangement for years and not seconds.
I shake my head and watch him walk back to the kitchen, but as he rounds the couch, he calls over his shoulder, “Don’t you worry sweetheart, I will make sure you get a New Year’s kiss that you will never forget.”
My eyes roll for the millionth time tonight and my head falls back against the couch as laughter escapes me. This may be the dumbest idea I have ever had, but if that means more moments like this, it’s a risk I will take a thousand times.