Chapter 20 Raisa
RAISA
The first day I rode with guards to let Lev go to school was intense. The paranoia of being out in the world was terrifying after how I’d had to kill those Italians the last day Lev and I were “free”.
Yet, having Ivan and Emil in the car on the ride there helped.
It wasn’t like I was new to all of this.
I grew up as a Petrov. My father was extremely old-fashioned and conservative, never daring to let me out of his sight or supervision. He hawked over me, watching my every move in case I acted out of line.
It wasn’t because he cared. He simply saw me as a thing to groom and keep pure. All my life, since my mother died so young, I had my father’s guards around me. Always watching. Never alone. It was a stifling way to grow up, and it was why I was so stubborn to let Lev have a different childhood.
Riding in the car with the Dubinin forces wasn’t reminiscent of my past, though. They talked to Lev. They even joked about hating homework and whatnot. Between those two cousins, they kept the banter going and made sure the ride was pleasant.
It didn’t feel like a chore, or like we were being carted around like possessions to guard. It wasn’t like we were being forced to relocate, either.
Still, watching Lev go into the building required a leap of faith from me.
I knew a few Dubinin guards were near. Misha attended this same place a couple of days during the week. It wasn’t like I was dropping Lev off somewhere random and exposed to intruders.
Yet, that paranoia was a persistent beast.
“Breathe,” Emil quipped once we drove away.
I shot him a dirty look. Catching Ivan’s eye, though, I had to soften a bit. He seemed just as worried, and I almost regretted holding both him and Lev back from having this kinship.
“He will be fine,” I said, mostly to myself than to them.
“And I will be done with a few matters in the office before he is due to be picked up,” Ivan replied.
I nodded, unsure what else to say.
It was different to be in the Dubinin home without Lev to watch over. I wasn’t completely sold on befriending Gabriella, but from the sounds of it, she was busy with a fussy baby and trying her best to console Andre.
Bored for the first time in years, I tried to get lost in a book in the garden. Waiting for Lev to come home would be agony. So, I picked up my phone and tried to text Kalina. The more I didn’t hear from her, the more I worried. Something about being near, yet so far, bothered me.
It was probably nothing more than this slight guilt I suffered from keeping Lev from Ivan for so long.
Seeing how good they were together, truly bonding, lifted my spirits.
It was a step in reshaping my views on what family meant, and that shift in my attitude was extended to wanting to check in on my distant cousin.
As I sat in the garden and watched the birds flit from rock to rock in the ornamental water feature, I couldn’t help but overhear the Dubinin men as they patrolled. I doubted I was fully out of sight, but perhaps I was sitting there so still for so long that they’d forgotten I could overhear them.
And I heard it all.
How I had to be a spy for the Riveras.
That I’d shown up like a gold-digger.
Or that my father lived and sent me here. But then maybe I was the one who killed him as a power-hungry daughter who’d felt wronged her whole life.
Drama, drama, drama. I rolled my eyes, not in the mood to convince myself that it is what it is. Instead, I put my energy into stemming my temper.
I didn’t want to back down like a hopeless victim to all this stupid gossip, but I also hated to hear anyone talk so wrongly about me and my character.
I was no traitor. I wasn’t a damn spy. And my son wasn’t a bastard, rejected and worthless, whom no one wanted around.
When Lev was finally picked up, I hugged him until we both laughed in the backseat of the car.
“I missed you, Mama!” he exclaimed.
Just holding him close reset my world. It was like the sun was suddenly shining again. All was right once more.
He smiled, turning to nod at Ivan. “I missed you too!”
It didn’t escape my notice that Lev hadn’t settled on what to call Ivan yet, but I wasn’t going to push it.
Later, though, when Lev and I were going over some of his paperwork for this new school experience, I saw the same gossiping, judgmental guards patrolling through the house.
Lev noticed them too, and I wondered if he’d overheard things too.
I wasn’t afraid to resort to violence if someone called him a bastard to his face.
He was a good boy and a sweet kid. He didn’t deserve that kind of nonsense.
I sent him off to play with Misha in the dining room before I took matters into my own hands.
I came here for protection and I supposed that implied that I’d made myself a guest here. But that didn’t mean I had to roll over and take crap like this.
Facing the pair of older guards, I crossed my arms and tipped my chin up. “Why are you so against me or my son being here?”
I bet they counted on my never speaking to them like this. They were here to blend into the background, but I wasn’t letting this slide.
One sneered. “Your father would be ashamed of you,” he hissed.
His partner nodded. “You don’t belong here.”
“He’d be ashamed of your being here, coming to sleep with Ivan when your father forbade you from being a loose woman like so many other young ladies are.”
I bit my lip, wanting to scream. These two were just as old-fashioned and stuck in their ways as my sexist father was.
“I remember back in the day when it was common knowledge about how Konstantin planned. He wanted to marry you off to someone back in Moscow for more power.”
I shrugged. “Too late for that.”
“I’d say it’s too late,” the second guard retorted.
“Konstantin let it be known that you were forbidden and off-limits. He was determined to avoid your getting with Ivan or Emil or Alexsei—anyone from the Dubinin lineage. Not only because he would be the one to choose someone for you but because you are damaged goods now.”
I narrowed my eyes, daring him to repeat that. The status of my virginity was no one’s damn business but my own.
“He knew that letting his daughter be a reckless and loose slut would change the power dynamic.” The first man smiled smugly. “You’d no longer be available to be given to another man he’d want an advantageous arrangement with. Which is how it’s supposed to be.”
I smirked, letting out a single bark of a laugh. “Not according to me.”
I turned before they could see a speck of disappointment on my face.
These damn family politics. The stupid ways women were supposed to be bartered off. I’d run from the Mafia lifestyle for good reasons, and that tied into it.
Shaking my head, I debated whether letting myself back into this world was wise.
Lev needed the protection. He was safest under his father’s influence, under his great-uncle’s authority, too.
But I couldn’t full-heartedly convince myself that I had any place here as Ivan’s former lover and convenient quick fuck buddy of the moment.
How would I ever belong like this, a discarded woman who was once so courageous to place her bets on love being stronger than familial duty?