Chapter 43
"S o where's he taking you?"
Dad watched me as I diligently packed Alani's diaper bag. "We're just going to the park down the road. He's bringing some lunch."
Dad stroked his chin and nodded. "You be careful."
I placed my hands on my hips, rolling my eyes. "Dad, I've taken Alani to the park multiple times."
"I don't mean that…"
I knew what he meant. But I was nervous enough as it was. Nervous and anxious. I was also going through a massive case of second-guessing myself. "You don't have to worry, Dad. I know him; you know him. There's nothing to be worried about."
"Still…it's a unique situation, pumpkin. I don't want him to hurt you or Alani."
I zipped up the packed bag and gazed down at Alani, who was busy sucking on a wooden block. "I know. I'm not saying we're getting back together. Just that I'm open to spending time with him; to see…to see if this could work. If I could fully trust him and forgive him. If it could work with Alani not being his bio daughter. If he even wants to be a dad."
There was a slight kick to my gut as I verbalized all my fears. I wanted to do this step by step, but knowing how much we had to wade through felt overwhelming. A lot was working against us. And from the look on my dad's face, he was thinking it, too.
I checked the time and picked Alani up off the floor to get her ready. Drew would be here any minute now, and my nerves had sped up in my stomach. I checked Alani over, taking in her clean t-shirt with a pink dinosaur and pink tights. I almost put a bow in her hair but decided it was overkill. It would probably be knocked off within five minutes.
The knock came at 11 AM on the dot. Dad had made himself scarce, citing that Drew was probably nervous enough as it was. Having him looming over his daughter and granddaughter would unnerve him further.
Drew looked handsome in a crisp white t-shirt and blue jeans. He had a smile on his face—a genuine one. I could tell because his eyes lit up and crinkled at the corners.
"Hi, Frankie."
I tried and failed to hide the blush that climbed my cheeks. "Hi."
A grunt and a loud cry lept from behind me. Alani was babbling in her cute baby language, her arms outstretched. To Drew.
Drew's soft laugh did strange things to my ovaries. If anything, his eyes lit up even more as he crouched down in front of Alani's stroller. "Hey, it's my little buddy."
She let out an excited squeak as her chubby legs kicked in glee at Drew's attention.
He grasped her little hand. "I got something for you." He reached into the bag at his feet and produced a pink bunny with floppy ears. Alani snatched it from his hands and immediately popped its ear into her mouth.
We both laughed, but the noise soon died in my throat when he glanced back at me with a grin. He looked so…happy.
"I got us a picnic lunch." He stood up, rubbing his hands up and down his sides in a nervous gesture.
"Okay, well, shall we head out?"
We walked side by side as I pushed Alani for the short walk to the park. Her little bunny was held tightly in her hand, which was an unusual gesture for her. She reveled in throwing her toys out of her stroller, finding the act hilarious. When her little head kept turning to glance back at us, I immediately realized what she was doing.
"I think she's looking for you."
He chuckled before he moved into view of the stroller, walking side by side with Alani now.
"Here I am, angel."
She gave a satisfied grunt, and I shook my head in wonder. "I can't believe how much she's taken to you."
"Well, we went through two poo explosions together, one throw-up when I jiggled her up in the air after she had lunch. We also practiced our ABCs, and she almost said, "Mama," but it turns out it was just gas."
I giggled, feeling light-headed and free. The image of Drew covered in vomit did warm a cold part of me that still wanted to punish him a little.
When we arrived at the park, I lifted Alani out and placed her on one of the baby swings. I pushed while Drew stood in front of her, making her giggle by tickling her every time she flew up.
I watched them for a while. Their rapport was undeniable. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching my estranged husband seemingly enjoying being around my daughter. Fathered by another man.
"You're good with her," I noted after a while. "With kids."
His mouth tipped up in a wry grin, "Yeah, well, I've had a lot of practice."
"Yeah. Your mom told me about what you went through. I hope that's okay?"
He nodded, his gaze never leaving Alani's giggling face. "Yeah, I told Mom to be completely honest. I gave her permission to mention it all."
I pushed Alani in silence for a few moments longer. "I'm sorry you went through all that. With your dad."
His sigh was wrought in frustration, although he kept a small smile on his face for Alani's benefit. "I feel like an idiot."
"Why?"
He met my eyes briefly before returning to my daughter. "Because I let shit from my childhood follow me into adulthood. I should've dealt with it or talked to you about everything I was going through."
I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could, Alani let us know loudly that she was done with the swings.
From there, our attention was pulled towards keeping her entertained. We put her on a bouncy horse, and the see-saw, before Drew and I took turns going down the slide with her. Drew surprised me by taking pictures, for which I was grateful. Like me, he was a pro at photography, knowing how to make even the cheapest camera work for him. Videography was his true passion, though, and it sucked that he couldn't find anything in his field that piqued his interest. I recalled encouraging him to become freelance, like me, but there were so many people in the game. It was a competitive market.
I watched Drew as he held Alani's hands up in the air before wriggling down the slide with her, carefully keeping her feet on his lap. My hand itched to capture that moment with her, but what would I do with the photos? Gift them to him? What if things couldn't work between us, even as friends, and I was left with these random photos that I would eventually have to throw away?
After Alani had her full of fun, Drew spread a blanket on the grass before placing two packed lunch boxes down. He’d told me to only worry about bringing Alani’s milk and water, because he had the rest sorted.
And, boy, did he. I took a big bite of the chicken and salad roll Drew had made me while I watched Alani munching happily away on a banana. He'd also packed muffins, oranges, grapes, yogurt and cake. It was a lot for a simple picnic at the park, but tell that to the butterflies in my chest. I appreciated the gesture.
After we ate, I breastfed Alani while Drew respectfully looked away. It was a little weird to have someone you shared a bed with for over a decade avert his eyes from your bare breasts. Alani soon fell asleep, and I carefully transferred her to her stroller, reclining the seat and pulling the shade down.
I sat back down, taking in Drew's sprawled form. He was laid out on his side, half sitting on his forearm. Now that we didn't have the distraction of Alani interrupting us, I wanted to continue our conversation,
"I was thinking about what you said about not seeking help sooner," I carefully started. "That's some heavy stuff you had to deal with as a young boy."
Drew picked up a few grapes and chucked them in his mouth. He stared into the distance as he recounted memories I was sure he'd long tried to bury.
"I worshipped Dad. In my head, I thought he was my hero." He shook his head. "But everything I thought I remembered of him wasn't true. I blocked out a lot of shit he put me through. I remember him showing up to my baseball games. But after everything went down, I started to remember that he only stayed for ten minutes. He'd wave at me, and the next time I looked up, he was gone. I remember him playing video games with me when Mom was at work. But then I recalled that he bribed the neighbor to watch me while he slinked off to god knows where. The sheen wore off fully when I became a glorified babysitter to his kids."
"Is that the reason you don't want kids?"
I watched his breath hitch, and his stare flicked briefly to a sleeping Alani. "No. Caring for little kids when I wanted to be out with my friends was not the reason. I won't lie, though; I didn't feel a lick of affection for them. I treated them well and cared for them as much as a fifteen-year-old could. But I felt no attachment to them. There was a lot of resentment and anger. Not at them; at my dad and the situation he put me in."
"You were scared of turning out like your father."
He sat up, scrubbing a hand down his face. I waited patiently, letting him tell me in his own time. In his own words.
"He was useless as a husband and father. As a provider. A lot of stuff triggered me into thinking I would turn out like him. My inability to find a career I was happy with that could support us. And then, when your dad offered to help us out, I felt like I was a failure."
"Drew, he didn't mean it that way."
"I know now. And believe me. If I knew then what I know now, I would've taken his offer in a heartbeat."
His eyes were sincere and agonized. "You were the only bright spot in my life. I hated my job, but I was so worried about letting you down. And then, in the end, I did that anyway."
I tried not to think about all the ways he’d let me down, but it was difficult not to. "I wish you'd talked to me, too. If you truly didn't want kids, I would've found a way to be okay with it. In a world between you and imaginary children, I would pick you every time."
"That's the thing. I knew you would say that, that you'd give up kids for me. I thought it would be selfish of me to deny you…" his gaze again fell to Alani.
I turned to watch her sleeping face. "It's hard for me to refute that when I have Alani. Everything I went through turned out to be worth it. For her. I wish it happened differently, but I can't regret her."
He was so quiet, I couldn't bear to look at him. But when I did, he was still watching Alani with a tender expression; it caught my breath. "I can't either," he murmured. "She was meant to be here. Meant to be yours."