Chapter 45
I wasn't driving all the way to Kansas City to meet Carlos. If he really wanted to talk to me, he could make the effort and come to Columbia. There was a flicker of hope when he readily agreed—it let me know that he was genuine in his need to talk. That was the first hurdle.
He hadn’t asked about Alani yet, but even if he had, there was no way I was bringing my daughter to meet the father who'd ignored her since her birth. I wanted to hear what he had to say first. The only reason I was entertaining this meeting was because Carlos was her bio dad. First and foremost, I had to think about what was best for Alani.
Still, a million thoughts had been running through my head all week. What if Carlos wanted to give up his rights? What if he wanted to have a part in her life? How would we figure out custody when he lived a few hours away? It was possible, of course. A weekend with him when Alani was a little older. Maybe more as the years went by. I was getting ahead of myself but I’d always been a future planner.
My thoughts had then turned to Drew. He and I talked every day, multiple times. Sometimes, we delved into our past; other times, we enjoyed our new relationship. He came down every weekend and always included Alani. My little girl was firmly attached to him. Things between us were calm and exciting. But with Carlos coming back into my life—potentially—it could upset the apple cart.
The door of the cafe opened, and Carlos stepped through. Nerves kicked up in my stomach, and I schooled my features to appear calm. And stern. For the first time since I'd met Carlos, he looked nervous. Unsure. Even more so than the day I’d told him about my pregnancy. A part of my hardness melted at how young and scared he looked. His gaze finally landed on me, and his hand came up in a short wave before he made his way over. I'd intentionally picked a booth at the back of the cafe for a bit of privacy.
As he came closer, my eyes raked his appearance. After all, I hadn't seen him since that afternoon at his apartment. His hair was longer and he looked a little bulkier, as if he'd been hitting the gym a lot. But overall, he still looked the same. Handsome, tall, and solid. And young. So damn young. Looking at him now, I couldn't believe that I’d slept with him. It was totally out of character, for one, to sleep with someone else even though I was separated. But also to do it with someone a decade younger. Nellie had tried to high-five me when she found out, but I was a little embarrassed that I'd had sex with a college kid.
"Hi." His hand gripped the back of his seat briefly before he slid in.
"Hi, Carlos," I greeted him. I didn't want to scare him off by being abrasive.
"How are you?" he asked. He could barely look me in the eye.
"I'm fine. How are you?" So fucking polite. I wondered whether he would comment on the weather next.
He scratched his nose and shrugged, still eyeing the wall behind me. "Yeah, I'm good. I guess."
I paused and waited for more. He picked up his menu, scouring the contents before putting it back down again.
"Aren’t you going to ask how someone else is?" I prompted.
He scrubbed a hand down his slightly reddened face. "Right. Yes. Um…how is she?"
" Alani is doing great. She turns one next month. But you probably know that."
He nodded and opened his mouth to respond, but our waitress chose that moment to take our order. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to take up space that could be used for other customers, so I ordered a slice of chocolate cake and a coffee. Drew ordered juice and onion rings.
I expected to pick up the conversation again when she left, but Carlos jumped right in. "To be honest, that's the reason I reached out. I-I think about her every day. I know you probably think I don't give a shit, but family means a lot to me. I never planned on turning my back on her, but…" He looked away briefly before glancing back. There was a vulnerability in him that I hadn't seen before. "I'm scared." The last part was spoken in a low whisper.
I nodded, understanding. "I know you are."
He gave me a soft smile. "The pictures I've seen of her…she looks beautiful."
"She's changed a lot. I haven't put any photos of her online; only included what's on my birthing story and a picture of her when she was born. I would be happy to send you some more updated ones."
He paused for a second, his throat bobbing. "I'd like that." The waitress returned to drop off our drinks.
"And Alani's a beautiful name," he added.
"I know. It's Hawaiian."
He nodded before taking a big gulp of his juice. He wiped his mouth and glanced at me. "Look, I know you're probably pissed at me."
I shook my head. "I'm disappointed. I know you needed time to deal with this, but I've had radio silence from you since I told you I was pregnant. Truthfully, I've been on edge that you'll suddenly turn up when she's twelve, demanding to be a part of her life."
Our food was dropped off then, and we sat silently for several minutes eating. I couldn't taste a thing of what I ate. The chocolate icing stuck to my throat.
"I want to meet her," he softly requested.
I placed my spoon down. "I'm happy to hear that. But what are your intentions? Do you want to be part of her life permanently, or do you want to meet her out of curiosity?"
"I want to be in her life. But I'm scared."
I reached out and clasped his hand. "Listen, I know you are. I was scared, too." I took a deep breath. "Why don't you come down next weekend? You can meet Alani."
He squeezed my hand before taking his own deep breath. His smile was a little shaky but genuine. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that. Thank you for giving me a chance."
We finished off our meal in companionable silence. There was a mixture of excitement and trepidation at this new footing we found. Alani was going to meet her father. This was life-changing for all of us.
We exchanged a time and a place to meet next week before we said our goodbyes. I hopped into my car with a spring in my step. My heart felt lighter and relieved that Alani's dad finally wanted to be in her life.
But when I got home, there was a text waiting for me from Drew. My heart sank, and the excitement I felt slithered away. How was he going to react?