Chapter 30
THIRTY
JOSH
If the past month had felt like a dream, today felt like a nightmare. Well, not exactly a nightmare. But more like one of those dreams where you’re back in a situation you used to be in often, but nothing was quite the same.
David was at work, but I sent him a text anyway, partially hoping that he’d text me back and tell me not to do this.
He never would, though. We’d talked about this very day a million times, and the conversation always ended the same.
David being perfectly reassuring that he understood what I did for a living and me quietly stressing about whether or not he meant it.
Because it was one thing to think of a hypothetical in your head and another entirely for that hypothetical to become a reality. Sometimes the way we thought things would go wasn’t at all how they ended up happening. Ugh. I was a mess.
I’d arrived at Lukas's early so I could hide in one of the downstairs rooms and get ready. It had been a while since I was on camera and some of my camera-ready routine had fallen by the wayside. Lukas never told people what to do with our bodies, so I could rock the world’s unruliest pubes and he’d roll with it.
I trimmed, though. I usually kept them trimmed short, but my anxiety about the shoot had me living in some kind of weird bubble of hesitation.
I questioned every decision I ever made but still decided that I’d have ended up right in this exact position no matter what because there wasn’t anything I would have done differently.
There were few things in my life that I regretted, and none of them were things that I did or could control.
I regretted the fact that my parents were bigots who could disown their kids for not fitting into the box they’d shoved them in.
I regretted having to rely so much on my sister that it turned her into some sort of pseudo parent.
Okay… so maybe that one was on me a bit, but it wasn’t like I had options at the time.
I regretted nothing when it came to David.
He made me happy in a way I never thought possible.
Somehow, I’d always worried that I’d meet someone I’d fall for, but they wouldn’t fall for me.
Or they would, but they’d hate my job and they’d be horrified that I ever filmed porn.
And then I met David, who fell for me right back.
Who didn’t mind that I had a different sort of job than a lot of people.
David, who was handsome and perfect and accepting.
What the hell was I doing here? What if he really did mind? What if he ended up feeling like I was cheating on him or something?
A knock on the door busted up my downward spiral, and Blue walked into the room. That meant that Asher wasn’t far behind. Blue wasn’t my costar today; none of the men in Jax’s throuple were because that would be fucking weird and probably inappropriate.
“Hey. I thought I’d come check on you.” Blue sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. “Come here, River.”
River. It had been a while since anyone called me River.
At one time, it was the only name I used.
I’d adopted my stage name and worn it like a shield.
I’d been River to all my friends. River to my coworkers.
River to myself. River was confident and sexy.
River didn’t worry about other people’s opinions. River was practically godlike.
River was fucking lonely, though. River didn’t let anyone close. He kept everyone at arm’s length. His friendships were casual, surface-level type friendships. The only person he wanted to rely on had been himself.
I wasn’t sure that I was that same person anymore. Or maybe I was, and I was afraid that I was. That underneath it all, I was still the same scared, lonely man that I’d been before I met David. But now I had something to lose.
“Come here,” Blue said again, and this time I listened.
I sat down next to him and let him fling an arm around me and pull me close.
“It’s scary. I know. You go out in the world and you find someone you like, but you still have a job to do.
So you do it, but the whole time you’re terrified that they’ll hate you for it, even when they promised not to.
So you stop dating, and you stop trying to connect with people.
And it doesn’t help because you’re still so fucking lonely you can’t breathe sometimes. ”
I melted against Blue, letting myself enjoy the connection. It was familiar and safe, and it helped steady me. “Are we talking about me or you?” I asked him and he laughed.
“Why not both? We’re not so different, you know.”
“Your boyfriends both do porn, though. With you.”
“And with other people. It’s not that different.” Blue paused. “Okay, it is different. You’re right. With him being an outsider to the industry, I can see why you’d worry about David’s reaction.”
“What if he hates me?”
“He won’t.” Blue’s answer was quick and concise. “And I know it because David and Jax are a lot alike. They don’t lie to people. They don’t make promises they can’t keep.”
“I’m not sure if that makes it easier or harder.” I let out a sigh and tried to pull away from Blue, but he was stuck to me like a barnacle.
“Level with me. Do you want to be here?”
“I asked for the scene.”
“But do you want to be here? Do you want to get naked with another person and let them touch you? Do you want to have Lukas and me film it? Do you want it edited and put on the internet so people can watch it and jerk off?”
“I—”
“Don’t answer yet. Think about it. Think about why you’re really here.
Why did you ask for the scene in the first place?
You haven’t wanted to be in front of the camera for a long time.
You’d tapered off the amount of scenes you do so you could work behind the camera instead.
And then you meet a guy, and things are going so well for the two of you.
Suddenly you want to be in a scene. Why? ”
“I—” I stopped and took a breath. “I’m sure you have an idea.”
He pulled me closer and dropped a kiss on my head. “I think you wanted to test someone. Maybe him. Maybe yourself. Maybe the relationship.”
A deep sense of horror flooded me, and I realized he might be right. Maybe this whole thing of me wanting to do a scene had been a way to protect myself. After all, if someone was going to leave me, they’d do it after I was with another person and not years down the road.
“I—do you think I was trying to sabotage my relationship?” The words were barely able to come out past the lump of emotion in my throat.
“I think only you know the answer to that.” Blue kissed the top of my head again. “Lukas won’t be mad if you change your mind. And neither will your scene partner, who has already said he’ll shoot with anyone.”
“Anyone?” I turned to Blue. “Is that the reason you’re here?”
He smiled at me and bopped the end of my nose with his finger. “Asher and I will take your place if you’re not up to shooting with Jesse.”
“Both of you?”
Blue shrugged. “Jax is on board. He said something about how hot it would be to watch his boyfriends with someone else.”
“Is he going to sit in the corner and bark orders?”
Blue’s smile turned wide and gleeful. “Well, he is now.”
“And if I do the scene?”
He shrugged, his smile not faltering. “Then Asher and I will probably have sex for Jax’s benefit anyway. We literally can’t lose, no matter what you choose.”
“How long do I have to decide?”
“As long as you need, you know that. Lukas is just worried that you’ll make a decision you regret.”
“Did he send you down here to talk to me?”
“Nah, I volunteered. Everyone wanted to come down actually, but I warned them that if we all came in, it would feel like an intervention.”
“Maybe I needed one.”
“Maybe you did. But I think an intervention of one was enough.” He held me for another few minutes, then kissed my head again. “I’m going to give you some space to think about things. We’ll all be around if you need something, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, feeling a little bereft when Blue got up and left me sitting alone on the bed. “Thanks, Blue.”
“Anytime. And I mean it.”
“That means a lot, thank you.”
“Okay, Josh. I’ll be around if you need me.
” He shut the door behind him and at first the room felt too big without anyone else in it.
And then it felt too small, like I might die of suffocation.
Getting up off the bed, I went to the window and cracked it open.
The fresh air poured in, and I immediately felt better.
For several minutes, I stood at that window and just concentrated on breathing. At first, I didn’t even let myself think about what Blue said. Then it was all I could think about.
I tried to imagine myself in one of the other rooms. I could picture taking my clothes off as the camera rolled.
It was easy to imagine the way I’d pose and move for the benefit of the camera.
And then I tried to add another person into the scene, and my brain wouldn’t function beyond them being a spectator.
Even in my head, I shied away when they reached for me.
Once upon a time, when I’d been younger and far more lost and in need of cash so I could transition, I’d been in a love-hate relationship with my body and somehow I sort of fell into doing porn.
It started with an acquaintance. Someone I hooked up with from time to time had gotten into the industry, and they told me about it.
At first, it was kind of bad. I wasn’t in a good place mentally, but doing the work gave me the means to change things I desperately needed to change. The work became a lot more bearable. Sometimes, I even liked it. But had I ever loved it? Not until I started working behind the scenes.
It was the creative aspect that had drawn me in. I soon discovered that I could blend creativity with the technical aspects. Angles. Lighting. Editing. Filters. All of them were tools to craft a stunning end result.
That was the part I loved about the job. That was the part I didn’t want to give up.
I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Lukas, telling him that my plans for the day had changed and apologizing for the inconvenience. Somewhere in the house, I heard someone let out a happy little whoop whoop, and I found myself smiling at the way my presence wouldn’t be missed.
Lukas sent a voice note back, telling me that alternative arrangements had been made, and that I could stay holed up in that room for as long as I needed.
He sounded slightly concerned and offered to come check on me, but I sent him a message back, declining.
I did, however, plan to stay in the room for a while, and I let him know that I’d appreciate some privacy as I locked the bedroom door.
I might not be shooting a scene today, but there was something else I wanted to do while I was here.