Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
DAVID
The idea had been for Josh to film while I was at work so I would have other things to keep my mind off it. A task that had quickly proved to be impossible, but it was the thought that counted.
One thing I learned about myself throughout the day was that I was still okay with it. My stupid dick perked up from time to time to remind me that he, too, was okay with it.
I kept wondering what they were doing. Was Josh having a good time?
Would he do the things he did with me with someone else?
How did I feel about that? I decided that intention meant more than action.
Josh wasn’t there to make love to someone.
He wasn’t there with his heart open, searching for something that I hoped he could only get from me.
Anyone could give him their body, but I liked to believe that the way I loved him was pretty rare.
By the time I got home and let the dogs out, I was still basically just a walking erection.
It didn’t matter that I’d talked myself around in the same circle all day, my dick was still very invested in the idea of watching Josh with someone else.
I’d looked up the guy Josh said he’d been paired with.
He was good-looking in a generic porn star kind of way.
Jesse was the kind of guy you might find easily forgettable, unless he smiled at you.
His smile was killer, even I’d admit that.
When he smiled, he went from generic to gorgeous.
At the end of the day, it didn’t matter how hot Jesse was or how good his smile was, or how much chemistry he and Josh had together. What mattered was that Josh was coming home to me.
Unsure of the standard practice for greeting your porn actor boyfriend after he’d filmed with someone, I decided that making him dinner would be a good idea.
I didn’t have the concentration for anything fancy or complicated so I roasted some tomatoes, onions, and garlic and when they were done I pureed them and made them into a nice soup.
Josh pulled up not long after I got the soup simmering on the stove and the dogs ran to the door to greet him. Both of them barked and wriggled and were obviously excited to see him. Josh bent down and scratched them behind the ears and showered them with affection and gentle words.
“Gee, if I bark and shake my ass, do I get a hello like that?” I said, watching Josh lift his gaze from the dogs to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was the reason he looked stressed and tired. But then that expression melted away, leaving only relief behind.
He stood and walked straight into my arms, and I held him close.
I kissed his hair and fought the urge to start questioning him about his day.
Obviously he was going to tell me how it went—it was part of what we’d agreed to—but I didn’t want him to feel pressured.
Or that I cared more about what he did than how he felt.
“Are you hungry?” I asked instead. “I have tomato soup on the stove, and I could make us a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches to go with it.”
“I could eat,” Josh said without moving away from me. If anything, I think he held on a little tighter.
“I’m going to need the use of my body if you want those sandwiches.”
“You need extra arms.”
“Like Inspector Gadget.”
“Who?”
“Oof. Feeling a little old here. You could at least pretend to know who that is.”
Josh’s frame shook with laughter. “I’ll remember that for next time.”
Next time. My shoulders sagged, some of the tension bleeding out of them. I hadn’t even realized it had been there to begin with. Next time meant Josh was going to stick around. It meant that today hadn’t been some kind of I-don’t-want-a-relationship-after-all epiphany.
Josh’s stomach rumbled, breaking the silence, and any residual tension because he laughed. And it sounded bright and genuine, like it had been infused with joy.
Was this the effect of the scene he shot or was it because I was here to come home to? Back to… this wasn’t Josh’s home.
But it could be.
I lived in a fantasy land where Josh moved in with me, and he came home to me after every scene, bright and happy and still crazy in love with me.
I loved the idea of having him and our dogs here all the time.
I wasn’t sure if he would be ready for the grand move in with me conversation so soon after we’d declared our feelings for one another.
Maybe one day.
For now, I’d be content making him grilled cheese sandwiches and homemade tomato soup and piling all the love on him I could.
We were finishing up our dinner, during which Josh hadn’t said much. A lot had happened today that he needed to process, and as curious as I was, I didn’t want to push him.
And then, when he was done eating, he lifted his gaze to meet mine. He was quiet and a little sheepish, but I could tell whatever he was about to say was important to him. So I waited.
“Did you want to watch it?” he asked me, his usual confidence a bit wobbly, but still there.
“Did you want me to?”
He nodded.
“Okay, then you go get it set up, and I’ll tidy up here and meet you in the bedroom in five minutes.”
Josh wordlessly got up and went down the hall to the bedroom. The dogs tried to follow, but I called them back and made them go outside. By the time they were ready to come in, I had the dishes collected and stacked in the dishwasher and I was out of reasons to procrastinate joining Josh.
My heart hammered against my ribs like it was trying to escape. Josh had closed the bedroom door, probably to keep the dogs out, but I still knocked before I entered. In case he wasn’t ready. In case I wasn’t ready.
“Get your ass in here, David,” Josh said as he pulled the door open.
He was still dressed, which for some reason I thought he wouldn’t be. Was I disappointed? Maybe. I’d have to put a pin in that and think about it later at a more appropriate time.
“It was easy to edit so it’s already up on the website, but I have the uncut version that I’d like you to watch instead.”
“Alright,” I said, because what else was I going to say? No? Pffft. Not fucking likely. I’d watch Josh watch paint dry if he asked me to.
“Sit.” Josh led me to the bed, and I sat down on the edge. I expected him to join me, but he stayed standing. Pacing. He fiddled with his phone, then handed it to me. “Just press play when you’re ready.”
I was ready now. I’d been ready an hour ago.
I’d been ready since my eyes had opened that morning.
“Are you ready?” I asked him, just to be sure.
I offered him one last chance to change his mind, but he nodded and told me he was ready.
He was apparently not ready to watch it with me, though, because he stayed on his feet, chewing on his fingernails, one arm wrapped around his middle.
I pressed play because whatever happened, Josh was nervous about me watching. And he could have stopped me at any time, but he clearly wanted to show me. Which made me worry if something bad had happened.
When the video started, it was Josh sitting in the middle of a familiar-looking bed. I’d seen it in other scenes of his. It was probably in a room in Lukas’s house. I expected someone else to enter the frame, but no one came. And then Josh started speaking.
“When I first started doing this, it was for a lot of reasons and not all of them were good ones. Part of me wanted to get back at my parents for not accepting me. I can admit that now. And though, eventually, I kept going for the right reasons, I ended up stopping. This time for more of the right reasons.”
I paused the video and took a moment to glance up at the real Josh, the one standing a few feet from me, still a nervous wreck. Still chewing on his fingernails and clutching his stomach.
“Come sit with me. You don’t have to watch if you don’t want to,” I said. “You can keep your eyes closed.”
Josh didn’t sit. He shook his head and flicked his gaze to the phone.
I pressed play.
“Today I was going to shoot a scene with someone. I was going to be in front of the camera for the first time in a long while, but then I realized I was doing that for the wrong reasons. Those reasons aren’t for your ears, but what I can tell you is that…
effective, well, immediately, I’m retired.
I’m still going to work behind the scenes with editing and filming and writing scripts, but my on-camera days are over.
I want to thank all my fans for sticking with me through the years, and I know you’ll be happy for me as I enter a new phase of my life. ”
I was sure that my confusion must have shown on my face because Josh quietly laughed. “If you keep watching, I will explain everything.”
Maybe he sensed that I needed him close because he finally sat next to me. He looped an arm around my waist and leaned against my shoulder.
“Now, David,” on-camera Josh said, “you’re probably wondering what the fuck happened.”
“A little,” I answered.
“I didn’t want to film with someone else today.
It… I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons.
I asked Lukas to schedule me one out of fear.
I think I believed you’d leave if I did it.
That you’d realize my job wasn’t something you could live with.
I think I was trying to test you because I’ve been left before.
I’ve been hurt by people who were never supposed to hurt me, and I guess I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to happen again. ”
“I wouldn’t have minded if you’d gone through with the scene,” I told him when on-screen Josh paused to breathe.
“Today was a test, and I thought at first that it was to test you, to see if you’d leave.
But maybe today actually tested me. The old me, River, would have done something he wasn’t comfortable doing just to prove a point.
River would have done it just because he said he would do it.
River would have let it eat at him for a long time after.
He’d have let it get in the way of what he really wanted.
” Josh took a deep breath and let out a sigh, and even on screen I could see the way his shoulders relaxed, the way the tightness around his eyes eased up.
“But I’m not River anymore, and I haven’t been for a while.
River is officially retired. I don’t need him anymore.
” Josh paused again and took a deep breath. “I need Josh. And I need you.”
I paused the video, not caring if there was more to hear.
“I hope you don’t feel like I was pressuring you into doing the scene.” I turned my body so I could face him and to my relief, he shook his head.
“I was pressuring myself, for a lot of reasons, and none of them were the right ones. You might have accepted that River was a part of me, but I like being Josh with you. I like feeling the way you make me feel. It wasn’t that River wasn’t real, but I feel like…
like River was a costume that I grew out of, and I didn’t realize how much until I tried to put it back on. ”
“I want you to know that I’m proud of you. And I’d have been proud of you if you’d decided to go through with it, if it was something you really wanted. I’ll be proud of you no matter what you do.”
“If you still like the idea of watching me with someone else…”
“Then we have all your old videos to watch together,” I assured him. I went to set the phone down so I could get my hands on him, but he smiled at me and stilled my hand.
“There’s a happy ending for you to watch if you press play.”
“Or, hear me out, you could give me a live demonstration right here.” I tossed the phone aside. I could watch the video later. Right now I wanted—needed—to touch Josh, live and in person.