Chapter 27
Back at the caravan, I was filled with optimism. I sat down at the outside table and took out my phone.
ME: Hey … I’ve been thinking about our last conversation
ME: I’m sorry. I was so pissed off about other stuff and it just felt like you weren’t being supportive. But maybe, when I think about it, you were just worried about me?
ME: Oh, and someone has offered to train me for this competition next week.
PRIYA is typing
My stomach sank every time the writing disappeared as she started the message again and again.
PRIYA: God Margot! I was SO worried about you. You KNOW I’m living for the resurrection of Margot of Christmas past … Just promise me you’ll be careful?
That made me laugh. God, I missed her.
ME: I will. But enough about me, what’s going on with you?
PRIYA: Never mind me, tell me about this French boy you had a date with …
ME: OMG it’s so complicated. But it turns out that he was the one who pulled me from the water …
PRIYA: Shut up! Are you serious?
ME: Yeah … but there’s something else … There’s this other French boy …
PRIYA: Oh here we go, of course there is
So I phoned her and told her everything. And it all just came out. Everything that had been in my head lately. My rollercoaster feelings for Felix, the chemistry with Antoine, and it ended with my head still a complete and utter mess. But I felt better than I did before.
I spent the rest of the afternoon helping Rue do her stretches, cleaning sand from her splints and sitting with her and Wren, watching cartoons and eating snacks.
I looked up women surfers on my phone and we watched YouTube videos of them tearing up the waves.
‘That could be you, Margot,’ Wren said, thankfully out of earshot of Mum and Dad. And I allowed myself to believe it, just for a second, because the daydream felt so damn good.
‘Do you think it could ever be me?’ Rue asked. And it brought me straight back to earth.
I put an arm round her and hugged her. ‘I think whatever you do is going to be amazing. But you never know. Look.’ I showed her my phone.
It was a girl with cerebral palsy who’d won an adaptive surf championship.
‘And Lexie got back to me, she said her boyfriend will be starting a disability team next season, so I’ll get Mum to give her a call when we all get home.
And maybe she can bring you down to Ferndale whenever you’ve recovered. ’
I showed Rue the message and she grinned so hard at me her mouth must have hurt.
‘Oh my God, Rue, that could be you!’ Wren squealed excitedly at the screen.
I watched Rue’s chest swell with pride as she watched the video over and over again.
‘Margot?’ Dad came inside and poured himself a glass of water. ‘Are you sure you’re OK to watch the girls tonight? You’re sure you’re feeling OK?’ he asked, concerned.
‘Yeah, course. And Felix said he’d come over.’
Mum and Dad had taken me up on the babysitting offer so that they could go to that restaurant in Bayonne that Felix had recommended.
‘Yay!’ Rue cheered, and Dad looked at me for a second before nodding.
‘We’ll be fine,’ I assured him.
‘Thanks, love. Not long left, girls! Make sure you make the most of the rest of the holiday.’ Dad took his glass and went outside to Mum again.
I followed him and sat down opposite them at the table.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurted out.
‘What for, love?’ Mum looked up, confused.
‘For everything. For quitting swimming. For the way I’ve been acting this last year. I dunno, it was like I lost myself when I stopped swimming.’ I glanced up at them, at Mum’s gentle eyes and Dad’s pensive expression.
‘Oh, pet, you don’t need to apologize. We could see that losing swimming broke your heart. And it wasn’t about the parties and the curfews … you stopped talking to us. Stopped letting us in …’
‘It was like we were just watching you throw away your future, and there was nothing we could do about it.’ Dad’s voice was thick with emotion. Like it had really hurt him. ‘And then when we nearly lost you –’
‘Dad –’ I reached for his hand – ‘I know. But you didn’t.’ He squeezed my hand and took a sip of water. ‘I really am sorry for this year. Please go and chill out tonight.’
‘Oh we intend to,’ Mum said. ‘With lots of wine.’
A couple of hours later, I heard Felix talking to Mum and Dad. Dad was laughing at something he’d said and when I went outside, they were shaking hands.
‘Ah, Margot,’ Dad said when he saw me. ‘Felix was just giving us advice on what to order in Bayonne.’
‘I am no expert,’ Felix insisted. ‘Only what I have learned at the Brasserie.’ Then he found my eyes as I walked down the little steps.
‘Well, you certainly know more than we do,’ Mum said as she emerged from the caravan behind me wearing a floral maxi dress and smelling like a garden.
‘You look beautiful, Mrs Ryan,’ Felix said, with no awkwardness, no embarrassment.
‘Oh, Felix, thank you. This is just something old.’ Mum tangled her words and fixed her hair even though it was perfect as it was. But she was beaming too. The same effect that Felix had on everyone.
When Mum and Dad left, a silence hung in the air between us.
‘Hey,’ I said.
‘Hey,’ he replied, moving close and kissing me on both cheeks. ‘Are your sisters inside?’ He motioned to the mobile home. ‘I have gifts.’ He held up a fabric shopping bag with a baguette poking out of it.
‘Felix!’ Rue shouted when we walked into the caravan. The two of them were already in their pyjamas, sitting at the little table with iPads in front of them.
‘Bonsoir, Rue and Wren,’ Felix said. When they stood up, he leaned down and kissed them on both cheeks, just like he’d done at the Brasserie. The girls giggled.
‘I brought you gifts,’ he smiled, and they both grinned so hard it must have hurt. ‘But first I thought we could make le go?ter.’
I looked at the girls and pulled a confused face. They both laughed.
‘Translation?’ I turned to Felix.
‘Le go?ter. Hmm … Usually, children eat it as a snack, after school. Go?ter means “to taste” in French.’ Felix walked to the little kitchen and took out a baguette, a tin of what looked like hot chocolate and a bottle of milk. ‘You want to try?’ He turned back to us.
My stomach groaned in assent. ‘We want to try,’ I answered for everyone.
It turned out that le go?ter could be any sort of after-school snack. But for Felix, it was buttered baguette and a bowl of hot chocolate. Felix explained that he used to dip his baguette into the hot chocolate.
‘That’s disgusting!’ Rue shouted, and Wren agreed. But they tried it anyway and took back their words.
‘You are ready to say that I am right? That it is good?’ Felix teased them.
‘You were right,’ Wren admitted.
He had such an easy way with them. Rue didn’t relax for just anybody. There was a comfortable rhythm, like he’d been part of our lives forever.
After we ate, Felix reached for his bag again. The girls were silent in anticipation.
‘First, for Wren.’ Felix passed a tin to her.
‘Colouring pencils,’ she said gratefully.
‘They are from an art shop near my home. Do you like to draw?’ he asked, and Wren smiled to herself before looking up at him. ‘I love to draw. Thank you so much, Felix.’ Wren turned bright red as she examined her pencils. Felix couldn’t have known she adored drawing. It was the perfect present.
When he mentioned home, it all came back to me. His bedroom. His bed. The smell of his skin. The way I felt when he held me. Safe. Wanted. And now, looking at how my sisters were gazing at him made me see him in a different light. Like his gentle, steady presence was felt by all of us.
‘And for Rue.’ Felix reached into his bag again, pulled out a book and handed it to Rue. ‘Le Petit Prince. It is very special in France; every child reads it. But this one, it has both English and French.’
Rue was already looking through the pages, more carefully than I’ve ever seen her touch anything.
‘I love it, Felix. I love it so much, thank you.’ Rue hugged her book.
We watched Miraculous, a French cartoon, until Rue’s and Wren’s eyes began to close.
‘I think you two should go to bed now.’
‘No,’ complained Rue, while Wren was already sleepily getting up.
‘Come on, Rue,’ said Wren.
Rue shook her head. ‘Only if Felix reads us a story.’
Felix looked at me and I whispered, ‘Only if you want to.’
‘You would like to hear some of Le Petit Prince?’ he asked. ‘I will bring it in when you are ready.’
Rue and Wren disappeared and when they did, Felix reached for his bag again. He pulled out a small jar filled with little pieces of coloured glass, tied with a blue ribbon.
‘And for you.’ He handed it to me.
It was beautiful. Even in the artificial light, the colours sparkled.
‘Sea glass,’ he explained. ‘I used to collect it from the beach. I always liked how the broken pieces become something so beautiful.’
I stared at the jar, turning it round and finding new pieces every time I did.
‘I love it. Thank you.’
He looked embarrassed. And I reached over and kissed his cheek gently. Then he put his hand on his face, as if to keep the kiss safe.
‘It is nice here. With your sisters.’
And just as he said it, Rue shouted ‘Ready!’ from next door, and he got up, taking the book with him.
He turned to smile at me before walking into their bedroom.
I smiled back, so utterly content that I knew I could spend forever like this, in Felix’s company.
Perfectly at peace. And then I waited for them to come.
The hurricane of butterflies that made my heart malfunction.
The way they did when I so much as looked at Antoine.
And as the realization of how I felt about Antoine dawned on me, consciously for the first time, a wave of sickening guilt replaced the hollow of non-existent butterflies I felt for Felix.