Chapter 30
It wasn’t until we were halfway down the sandy lane that it struck me how awful this could be for him. Going to the same beach his brother died on. The exact same stretch where he’d pulled me out of the water.
‘Felix, are you sure about this?’ I asked, concerned, when the girls were out of earshot.
He inhaled. ‘I think so …’
I nodded, followed his lead, and matched his slow steps, just as reluctant as he was to go to the beach, but for very different reasons.
I spotted Antoine a mile off, in his black rash vest, board shorts and black aviators, lining up surfboards.
I looked back at Felix. The girls had taken one of his hands each and he was smiling at whatever they were saying. But behind the smile, he looked edgy. His shoulders were high and tense, and he walked with slow, reluctant steps.
‘Wait until you see me, Felix. I’m going to be a real surfer like Margot,’ Rue shouted.
And as we got closer to the hut – to Antoine – my heartbeat sped up. Antoine was waxing a board on the sand. And then, when we were a few metres away, he looked up. And for a split second, he stopped what he was doing before scrubbing the board again. Harder this time.
‘Antoine! Antoine!’ Rue called and walked over to him.
‘La guerrière et le petit oiseau!’ Antoine said, then stood up. But the smile that Antoine usually reserved for the girls was missing something.
He stared at Felix. Then turned to me. ‘I did not know we would have an audience today.’
‘It’s a free beach,’ I replied, and I was met with a brief nod.
Then Antoine turned to the girls and bent down on his haunches in front of them.
I turned to look at Felix, who stood awkwardly on the sand, and I hated Antoine for making him feel like that when it had been so hard for him to come. There was no need to be so rude.
‘You are ready for the waves?’ Antoine asked. They both nodded enthusiastically.
‘I have a surprise for you both.’ Antoine went to the rack, where he pulled out a board. But it wasn’t a normal board. There were foam bumpers along each edge as well as a handle built on to the front.
‘You can both use this board. We will take turns. Look at this handle.’ He pointed at it. ‘Sometimes the pro surfers use this to learn new techniques.’
‘Wow,’ said Rue. ‘I’m going to be a pro surfer.’
I looked at Wren, who was smiling. ‘It looks much safer.’ She sighed, probably with relief.
Antoine caught my eye, and I mouthed, ‘Thank you.’ And it was only the slightest nod, the tiniest acknowledgement, before he turned back to Rue and Wren. ‘Who wants to try it first?’
Rue put up her hand straight away.
‘La guerrière. Of course! OK, come with me.’ Antoine held out his hand and Rue grabbed it before they walked towards the water. Wren waited on the shore.
Felix and I sat down on the sand.
‘Are you OK?’ I asked. It was so brave of him to come here at all.
‘I think so. If I stare too much at the water, it makes me feel sick. So I will not look.’ He started tracing the sand with his finger.
‘I’ll look for you,’ I said, my eyes settling on Antoine.
I commentated on the whole lesson for Felix, making him laugh when I told him about Rue’s failed attempts to push Wren off the board. He seemed to relax a bit. He held my hand, and by the end, the tension that had almost crushed my fingers had nearly disappeared.
The girls had so much fun, and they were both more stable on the board. Even Wren begged for another go at the end.
I watched Antoine help Wren on to the board for her final turn. She held on to the handle and lay there as the wave rushed her to shore. She stepped off into the shallow water, excited, turning to bring the board back for Rue’s go.
I watched as he held on to the board the whole time, helping to paddle it out and steadying it as the waves swelled beneath them.
Rue’s squeal of delight made me laugh as it pierced the air.
Antoine swam, and then ran to catch up with her, having lost her on the wave.
He had a huge smile on his face when he reached her, and I found myself smiling too.
‘What is it?’ Felix asked. I turned to him.
‘What is what?’ I said.
‘You were smiling at something.’
‘Oh, just Rue and Wren, how happy they are. It’s nice.
You know, Antoine has been amazing with them.
Especially Rue. When I first met him, I thought he was just some arrogant surfer.
Which he kind of is, but he’s so good with kids.
’ I was staring at him again. At the easy way he talked to the girls and made them laugh so much.
‘He is … skilled,’ said Felix. My eyes followed his hand to the sand, where he was digging into it with his fingers. Hard.
‘Time goes so fast here,’ I mused, sighing in the heat of the sun.
‘Yes. Time moves differently in Biarritz. Especially in the summer,’ said Felix. But it was as if his voice had lost energy. Like he wasn’t actually paying attention. I wondered if it was all too much and he wanted to leave.
And then the girls were slowly coming back up the beach, with Antoine carrying the board behind them. I stood up to greet them, while Felix stayed on the sand.
‘Did you see us, Felix?’ Rue asked, out of breath, deliriously happy.
‘I did. You were incredible,’ he said, smiling.
I could feel how close Antoine was before I looked. It was like my body reacted to his presence with goosebumps that raced over my skin. I glanced up to see him drop the surfboard at his feet.
‘They are becoming good,’ Antoine said to me. ‘Like their sister.’
I almost smiled, despite everything. Even though he wasn’t smiling, it wasn’t conscious. Just this automatic smile reflex, a side effect of receiving a compliment from Antoine.
‘But I kept falling off,’ Wren cut in, upset.
Antoine crouched down in front of her. ‘The falling off is the most important. Because that is how you learn. And how many times did you get back up and do it again?’
Wren held up eight fingers and Antoine smiled, then winked at her, making her grin. He ruffled her hair and stood up, then walked over to the hut. To my left, Felix cleared his throat, jolting me out of my head.
‘Do you want to go back?’ I asked. ‘I can stay here, with the girls?’
He stared at me for a second, and I held out my hand to pull him up, but he didn’t take it. He just dragged himself to his feet and brushed the sand from his shorts as he looked at me.
‘You light up when you are near him,’ he said.
‘What? Who?’ I asked.
‘Antoine. You become more … vibrant. It is hard to explain.’
Felix’s brown eyes searched mine for their reaction.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ I stuttered, hoping he couldn’t hear the thud of my heartbeat against my rib cage.
‘Yes, you do,’ he replied with a sad smile.
And just as he turned to walk away, we were distracted by Rue’s voice. ‘Did you really see me, Felix?’ she said. Then she came and wrapped her freezing, wet arms round him.
‘Of course I did. You were amazing. So was Wren.’
The girls and Felix found a spot on the sand to sit down. I watched them for a moment, before instinctively turning round to find Antoine watching me. Unsmiling.
I walked closer to him, conscious that Felix was still in earshot.
The tension was palpable. Vibrating angrily between us. I didn’t light up around him at all.
‘Thanks for the lesson, Antoine, they really enjoy them,’ I said, trying to take any emotion out of my voice.
‘They take instructions well …’ he said. An obvious dig. Wren and Rue were play-fighting with each other. Antoine took off his rash vest and I forced myself to look away, because I was seething and didn’t want to be distracted.
‘They’re children. They need instructions.’
Antoine laughed and walked towards the hut. But he turned back to say, ‘Are you going to South Cove tonight? I am sure that Delphine has told you? She tries to get everyone to go to South Cove parties.’
‘Maybe. Why?’ I shrugged, conscious of Felix nearby. His silence, awkward and loud all at the same time.
‘Because South Cove is not just a party. It is where competitions are discussed. Arrangements are made …’
‘Why are you telling me this? What does that even mean?’
‘I just mean that you should be careful if you come tonight. Be careful who you talk to. What you agree to.’
And that made me snap. ‘I don’t need you to protect me.’ I spat out the words.
‘I think, from seeing you a few days ago, you do need me to protect you.’ He said it seriously, making sure to find my eyes, with no hint of a smile.
‘That was a mistake. Have you never made a mistake before?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice down with Wren and Rue so close, but it was almost impossible. He was so exasperating. I pushed back hair that wasn’t even in my eyes.
‘Mistakes? Of course. But yours? It was avoidable.’
I turned away and then felt Antoine’s grip on my wrist. I wrenched it away.
‘One more thing. Your … Him.’ Antoine nodded over at Felix, who was playing a game with Rue and Wren on the sand.
‘What about him? And he has a name. It’s Felix,’ I raged, furious at the lingering tingle of heat that was sweeping through my body.
‘Do not bring him,’ he said, staring at me through his sunglasses.
Another order, setting my gut on fire. ‘You can’t dictate who … I’ll make my own decisions about who I spend time with!’ I could barely get my words out.
He smirked, then shrugged. ‘Yes. It worked well the last time you made your own decision. Non?’
‘Margot, can we go now?’ Wren was at my side, tugging my hand, so I couldn’t scream at Antoine and tell him how pissed off I was, a feeling compounded by the guilt of Felix calling out the way I reacted around Antoine.
The shame of Felix seeing, clear as day, what my body had known the very first time I’d met Antoine.
I guess it just took a while for the rest of me to catch up.
Antoine turned his back and walked into the hut, slamming the door behind him, leaving me on the sand as Felix and Rue joined me and Wren, wondering what was going on.
‘I hate him,’ I said, under my breath. But when I looked up, I was staring straight into Felix’s sad brown eyes.
‘That is not true.’