Chapter 31
My second training session with Delphine was brutal.
And it was all on the sand. Stretches and bodyweight exercises, over and over again.
But despite the exhaustion, I loved it. And we didn’t talk about Felix or Antoine or anything except surfing.
She corrected my technique, over and over, explained the competition set-up and gave me tips to impress judges.
But one exchange hit home more than anything else …
‘Do you really think I have a chance to qualify?’
‘I would not waste my time if I did not.’
I walked back to the caravan in a daze after that, buzzing from what she’d said.
And then I had some time alone. I shut myself in my bedroom, lay on my bed and finally let myself think about earlier.
What Felix had said about Antoine. And it was like all the signs had been telling me the same thing.
The butterflies, the chemistry, the constant daydreams. But it took Felix saying it out loud for it to really sink in.
And then came the guilt. Like a slow leak that wouldn’t stop, overflowing and seeping into my bones.
I covered my face with the pillow, as if hiding would make it all go away. This mess of feelings. How it was clearly so stupidly obvious to Felix, and after all that he’d been through, I’d put him through this too.
I’d apologize to him tonight. I’d stay with him at the campsite and I’d tell him I was sorry.
I put on my shortest denim shorts and my Bikini Kill T-shirt, then I lay back down on my bed and found myself opening Priya’s messages.
ME: Remember I told you there were two guys? …
PRIYA: Yeah?
ME: Things are kind of complicated now …
PRIYA: Tell me!!
ME: Felix is sweet and thoughtful and way nicer to me than Theo ever was. But I think I’ve kind of just realized that we might be better off as friends …
PRIYA: He sounds really sweet
ME: He is! He’s perfect. But there are like no butterflies. At all. I mean, there were at the beginning, when I first met him, but they’ve just gone! Do you still get them with Cal?
PRIYA: Every time I see him …
ME: OK hold on I’m going to call …
Something lifted in me when I saw Priya’s smiling face. ‘OK, yeah. Like zero butterflies with Felix now, and I feel like such a bitch, like I’ve led him on, but he’s just so nice. You know?’
Priya nodded in understanding. ‘Totally get it.’ Then her eyes lit up with a grin. ‘OK tell me about the other one.’
And I couldn’t help but smile as his face filled my head.
‘Antoine. My surf instructor. He totally drives me crazy, and can be seriously patronizing, but makes me feel more alive than I’ve felt in years!
Like every time I see him I get goosebumps and my heart goes mental …
but he’s refusing to teach me to surf any more, so now Delphine is training me secretly –’
‘Hold on. Secretly? Why?’ Priya’s forehead creased in confusion.
I rolled my eyes. ‘Yeah. Mum and Dad don’t know, and the fight with Antoine was because he said I wasn’t ready to surf properly after I got into trouble in the water. So Delphine offered to coach me for the qualifier for this competition in September –’
‘September?’ Priya’s voice was getting increasingly high-pitched.
‘She said I might be able to qualify for it.’ I’d lowered my voice. On the off-chance someone was outside my door.
‘And you’re going to stay? In France?’
And my heart melted when Priya said it the way she did. Like it really was my choice. And a real possibility.
I bit my lip. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Jesus.’ Priya exhaled. ‘Drama. Intrigue. Secret training montages. It’s pretty much your standard teen sports movie at this point.’ She laughed.
‘Help me, P. Tell me what to do. Please,’ I begged.
‘Surf the qualifier, enjoy the rest of your holiday. It sounds like you’ve already decided on which boy will solve your boy problem though. Oh, and one last thing. Update your best friend on every detail.’ She smiled.
‘That’s it?’
‘What did you expect? I’m not that philosophical. It feels like you’re making everything way more complicated than it needs to be.’
‘Maybe you’re right.’
‘I usually am. Actually, I do have one more thing. Maybe I should be a philosopher … Maybe it’s not really about your French boys. Maybe it’s about running away from decisions. Like swimming, like our friendship. Maybe it’s time to stop running?’
I stared into the screen and let her words settle in the silence.
‘You OK?’ Priya squinted at me through the screen, then tapped it with her fingernail.
‘Yeah. Thanks, Aristotle.’ I smiled.
Priya grinned. ‘What do you actually want?’
‘When did you get so wise?’
‘Maybe it happened the same time you went AWOL? Jokes. I’ve always been wise.’
I had a lot to think about. We hung up and I put the phone down on my bed.
What did I actually want?
And when I thought it over, it wasn’t Felix’s or Antoine’s face that filled my head.
When I closed my eyes, it was the rush of the waves that took over my senses.
The hairs on my arms stood on end as I imagined the cool salt water around me.
The sound of the waves roared in my ears, and mock adrenaline shot through my veins.
I needed to stay true to that. To stop running, stop reacting.
Surfing was what I was here to do, and there was nothing that could shake that.
I walked to the Brasserie to find Felix. I had it all in my head what I was going to say – I’d tell him I thought that we were better as friends. I’d changed into my little black dress, with a baggy, faded black jumper over it.
He was wiping a table when I got there, and when he saw me, his face lit up. My stomach lurched. He was in a white shirt and black jeans, with his sleeves rolled up and a cloth in his hand. He put it down and kissed both my cheeks.
‘Do you want to hang out for a bit?’ I asked, steeling myself for our conversation.
He took my hand and led me away from the busy Brasserie, far enough that we could hear cicadas chirping around us.
‘I will come tonight,’ he said, like he’d been building up to say it all day.
‘To South Cove? Are you sure?’
‘I am sure,’ he said.
And he seemed so adamant that I didn’t question him any further. ‘We will go on my Vespa?’
I smiled and nodded, and once he’d finished cleaning the tables, I let him lead me towards the reception.
‘Wait,’ I said, halfway there. I couldn’t just go to this party without telling him. It wasn’t fair. Not when I’d finally understood it in my own head.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘I need to talk to you about something.’ I tried to keep eye contact, but it was too painful, so I let my gaze fall to the floor.
‘Is it about Antoine?’
Then I looked up. ‘It’s about us. I think you’re amazing, Felix, I really do –’
‘But I am not him,’ he said sadly.
I shook my head. ‘No, it’s not that. You feel like family to me.
’ I took his hands in mine, and he let me.
‘Like the brother I never had. And that’s not like some consolation prize or something, I really mean it.
’ Tears pricked my eyes as all the emotion swelled to the surface like a wave.
I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing tears away.
‘It is OK.’ Felix put his hand on my cheek, and I leaned into it. ‘I do not want you to be sad.’
‘I didn’t want to hurt you,’ I said, unable to keep the tears in any more, and a few rolled down my cheek, over Felix’s hand.
‘I know. But I would rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.’
I hugged him then, burying my head in his shoulder and breathing in the scent of this beautiful, sweet boy.
‘We should go now?’ Felix whispered into my hair, and I nodded my reply.
We walked to the Vespa and he handed me a helmet.
I wrapped my arms round his chest and watched the French countryside fly by in the soft blue twilight. We drove towards the coast, along winding roads, the wind still warm on my legs.
Felix parked on a hill and helped me off. I pulled the helmet from my head and handed it to him.
‘We are here. The South Cove, but there is nowhere to park down there,’ Felix said. I wasn’t really listening. I’d walked over to the edge of the hill to look at the view.
The sea looked beautiful, endless as it blended with the darkening sky. Felix stood beside me, and I leaned against his shoulder.
‘Are you OK?’ I looked at him as he watched the water, wondering why he was putting himself through this. Another beach.
‘I will be OK. It is important for me to be here tonight.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘Gabriel,’ Felix replied. ‘But we should go before I change my mind.’
We walked side by side down a steep path and I wondered if this had been Gabriel’s favourite beach or something.
I didn’t want to break the comfortable silence between us, so I didn’t ask.
I could hear voices from the top of the hill.
The path opened up into a little cove, already full of groups of people sitting around driftwood fires.
The sound of someone playing a metal drum gave a backdrop beat to the night.
A barbecue was set up way back from the water. I could feel Felix’s hand tense in mine as we walked towards it.
‘Are you really OK?’ I asked. But he didn’t have a chance to answer.
‘Felix!’ Sébastian called out, louder than the music, the chatting, and the hiss of the waves on the shore.
Sébastian was at the barbecue and his face lit up as he held up his hand to wave Felix over to him. Felix’s hand tightened its grip, and I took a deep breath, as if I was trying to inhale some of his anxiety.
We walked over, through little groups of people who all turned to look at Felix. No wonder he was nervous.
‘Felix.’ Sébastian put down his barbecue tongs and pulled him into a hug when we reached him. Felix let go of my hand, and I stood there as they had their moment.
‘I will speak English for Margot. I am so happy you came,’ said Sébastian.
‘Thanks,’ replied Felix, hand in his hair.