Chapter 38
On the way back home, Rue was exhausted but buzzing. She couldn’t stop talking about each wave she surfed, dissecting it and sharing her excitement with Wren.
‘Are you going to win the competition?’ Rue asked when we were close to the Brasserie.
It caught me by surprise, and I laughed, which lightened the darkness in my head for a moment.
I stopped to answer her, shaking my head.
‘I’m not doing the competition,’ I said hesitantly.
Delphine’s words were turning in my head.
‘I’m coming back with you,’ I explained, even though I thought she knew this. She was far from forgetful.
‘But why?’ She tilted her head on its side and Wren looked at me too, waiting for an answer.
When I didn’t give one, Wren jumped in. ‘Delphine said you are, like, really good. And she doesn’t even like people.’
Perceptive as always.
Rue started again. ‘If I could surf like you, I’d stay. I’d do all the competitions and win everything.’ She flexed her muscles and made Wren laugh. They were like a tag team.
But I didn’t laugh this time. I had too many thoughts. Contradictions, complications.
‘But … it’s not that simple. You need me at home.’
Rue considered my words and Wren watched her, the two of us just waiting.
Then she shook her head. ‘Nope. I’ll have Mum and Dad and Wren.’ Wren put her arm round Rue’s shoulders and Rue grinned at me. ‘And plus! It would be so cool to tell everyone at school that my sister is a real surfer.’
I just stood there, marvelling at how easily she could cut through all the adult bullshit that made everything so complicated, and how she just saw things the way they were. The way they should be.
She grabbed my hand. ‘Let’s go and tell Mum and Dad!’
I pulled a face, and my stomach lurched as I imagined how that would go.
‘You should stay. I’ll be OK,’ she said.
I squeezed her hand in response. And in thanks for making the impossible feel … maybe not so impossible. But that was what I should be doing for her. I was the big sister. And instead, here she was, teaching me things.
When we got back into the mobile home, all the bags were packed, and Mum and Dad were cleaning counters.
Rue and Wren went outside, and I took a deep breath. ‘I should have told you about the competition, I’m sorry.’
Dad sighed and stopped cleaning. He turned round and Mum looked at him, giving me the impression that they’d discussed things when we were out.
‘Margot, I know you love surfing, but after everything that happened, and Rue’s operation –’
‘I know,’ I said, holding up my hands in peace. ‘But hear me out. This isn’t just about the surfing.’
Mum and Dad sat down on the little sofa to listen. Dad gave me a small nod.
‘Do you remember when I used to swim? The early mornings, the galas, how I was before I quit?’ I asked.
‘Oh, I remember.’ Dad smiled at a memory. ‘You loved it so much. I couldn’t understand how someone could enjoy getting up at four thirty to get into a cold pool.’
‘Exactly!’ I said, like Dad had got an answer right in an imaginary quiz. ‘And after I quit, I felt, I dunno, lost. Like I didn’t know who I was any more. Rue and Wren’s sister, your daughter, someone’s girlfriend. Never just Margot.’
‘Oh, love,’ Mum said, looking troubled. But I continued.
‘When I’m in the water, I feel like me again.
The real me. Like I’ve discovered something that’s mine.
And that I happen to be really good at.’ My voice wavered.
‘This isn’t about abandoning my family, because I would never abandon Rue and Wren.
It’s about the fact that I found a part of me that I lost.’
Mum looked at me. Her expression soft, sad. ‘You’re serious about this, aren’t you? It’s not just a summer thing?’
I shook my head.
Dad looked at his hands, which were twisting round each other.
‘Dad?’
He looked up and, for a second, I thought I saw the shine of tears in his eyes.
‘I told Margot she should stay. I want her to.’
I turned to the doorway. I hadn’t even noticed Rue come in.
Dad looked between us, then Rue went over to sit beside Mum.
Then he looked at me. ‘I’ll need to speak to your mum but if – if we consider this, there would have to be rules. Daily check-ins. A proper place to stay. Plans, Margot.’
He’d barely finished speaking before I rushed over to him and gave him a hug. And then I hugged Mum too. The excitement, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, because it wasn’t just for the competition, it was for the future, the potential.
Dad put the organizing on hold for a couple of hours. I messaged Lili for her parents’ phone number and Dad spoke to her mum, who sent him links to the room she rented out.
I sat beside him as he made the call, my body fizzing with excitement as he wrote down details.
‘OK,’ Dad said when he hung up the phone.
‘We are all meeting Lili’s mum, Mrs Moreau, this evening.
She will take us to the house to see your room, where you’ll be living – one of the students has just gone back to Germany, so it’s good timing …
’ His voice trailed off, like it was all just hitting him now.
‘Margot, are you sure about this? It’s a big step. ’
‘Dad. I’m ready,’ I said, unable to contain my excitement. ‘And if it doesn’t work out, or it gets too hard, I can always come home.’
Dad smiled and put an arm round me. ‘It’s going to be so quiet without you.’
‘I think those two are capable of making enough noise that you won’t even notice I’m gone.’ I nodded outside towards Rue and Wren.
‘I still remember you being that age like it was yesterday.’ Dad smiled sadly to himself.
‘Me too,’ I said, seeing myself there at the little plastic table with a bowl of Nesquik cereal, my skin plastered in suncream.
‘Change is hard,’ he said.
‘But sometimes it can be great,’ I replied.
I stood up. ‘I’m just going to tell Felix my news.’ He was the first person I wanted to know I was staying.
‘And I’m going to take the girls to the supermarket,’ Dad decided.
‘Margot?’ Mum called as I started walking down the path. I turned round. ‘Could you get the number of Felix’s mum, please? I’d like to speak to her before we leave.’
‘Sure,’ I said, smiling.
I jogged to the Brasserie and crashed straight into Delphine.
‘Sorry!’ I said as she stepped back and gave me a quizzical look. ‘Can I still compete tomorrow?’ I could barely get the words out in the right order.
‘The qualifier? Of course. I never took out your name. You will be there?’ Delphine asked, trying not to grin.
I nodded. ‘Is Felix here?’ I asked.
She didn’t say anything, just nodded towards the bar.
I rushed past tables full of customers to the covered bar area, scanning it for Felix. And when he saw me, there was a sadness in his expression. But it didn’t last long. I was smiling so hard that he creased up his face in the cutest confusion.
‘Why do you look so happy to leave me?’ he asked from behind the bar. I sat on a stool and twisted a curl in my finger.
‘I’m not leaving,’ I said.
And his face lit up, eyes and all. ‘You are serious?’
I nodded and smiled.
Felix just stared at me in disbelief, his eyes twinkling. He filled a glass with ice then poured lemonade into it. ‘One minute, I will be right back.’ He picked up the drink and walked across the bar.
I turned on my seat to scan the Brasserie. I could not stop smiling. I would be staying here, in France. A world away from my life in Belfast.
I caught Delphine’s eye as she carried a tray of glasses back towards me.
‘So you really are staying?’ she asked.
‘I’m staying,’ I confirmed.
‘This is good news. And do not worry that our training got interrupted. You are ready. I promise.’ Delphine gave me the smallest smile before walking off out of sight.
Felix appeared a few minutes later. He kissed both my cheeks.
‘I have a break now. We should walk,’ he said, and I followed him out of the Brasserie.
‘I spoke to Yves, he would be happy to give you a job here, with me and Delphine, if that is something you would like?’
I threw my arms round him. ‘Oh, Felix, thank you. I’m so happy I’m staying.’ I looked at him when I said it, and he smiled too, but not with the same intensity as me.
‘What if I don’t qualify?’ The thought hit me out of the blue.
‘You can still stay,’ Felix said, like it was obvious. ‘You can train with Delphine and Antoine, you can work with me, you can find out who you want to be … in France?’ He cocked his head slightly, and looked unbelievably cute.
‘In France.’ I smiled back at him.
‘Does Antoine know?’
I shook my head. ‘I haven’t seen him since the storm.’
And when Felix had said his name, the feelings were back, the ones that spread like wildfire, before fizzing and exploding like fireworks when I leaned into them. I thought about his dark hair, the blue eyes, him calling me Princesse. And I ached to hear him call me that again.
‘He will be happy,’ Felix said simply, without any visible hint of jealousy. ‘As I am,’ he added.
‘Me too.’ I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. ‘Oh, and my mum was asking if she could have your mum’s phone number? My dad has already phoned Lili’s mum and sorted the room at hers.’ It still felt like a dream.
And he smiled back. ‘Of course.’ Felix took out his phone and I gave him mine to type in his mum’s number.
When I got back to the mobile home I gave Mum the phone number, then sent a message of my own.
ME: I have some news …
PRIYA: Tell me
ME: I’m doing the surf competition
PRIYA: Serious? That’s amazing! But promise me you’ll be careful
ME: And there’s something else
PRIYA: Let me guess. It’s about one of your French boys?
ME: Nope. Even better
PRIYA: You’re coming to swim camp with me?
ME: If swim camp is in France?
PRIYA: Wait, what?
ME: I’m staying in France. I’m doing the qualifier, and then I’ll stay for the competition in September. And even if I don’t qualify … I kind of really like the thought of staying here … working, figuring out what to do next …
PRIYA: … I’m actually speechless
ME: That’ll be a first
PRIYA: This is huge! So you’re actually going to be LIVING in France?
ME: Yep. Living. Surfing. Hanging out with French boys
PRIYA: “hanging out”
ME: Ha! That too … But P, maybe you and Cal could come and visit? It might be nice for us to start over, somewhere that doesn’t have memories everywhere?
PRIYA: A summer holiday in France? I’m down. Starting over? Down for that too :) It’s nice to have you back
ME: It’s nice to be back :)
And I still had some left-over bravery when I’d stopped messaging Priya. So I sent another message.
ME: Hey Ari. Staying in France a bit longer while my parents come back early for Rue’s surgery.
Competing in a surf qualifier tomorrow (yes SURFING).
Found something out here that I thought I’d lost forever.
So it turns out you and Theo might have done me a favour.
And I forgive you. Not because it’s OK, I’m just too busy catching waves to carry that shit around with me. Take care of yourself. M
I typed out exactly the same message to Theo and hit send on them both before I could overthink it or change my mind. And when I did, it was like a ton of bricks had been lifted right off my shoulders.