Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EZRA
I’m unsure of what to say because it took some time.
A lot of time. I always wondered how she liked Zayn when she and I were so close.
The way she would shy away from me when she would catch me staring at her.
The small passes I would take just to touch her and feel her against my skin.
She never seemed uncomfortable, so hearing she liked Zayn was a hard and confusing blow.
Even after she and Zayn got married, I’d catch myself wondering what if.
What if she had chosen me? What if I’d been brave enough back then to tell her I liked her even when I thought she liked Zayn?
Those questions used to eat at me and tear me apart from the inside.
But somewhere along the way, I realized the “what ifs” were keeping me tied down to a past that wasn’t mine anymore.
It was holding me back from moving on with my life.
They weren’t going to change anyone’s choices because what is done is done.
So, I stopped letting them torment me. And now, the what ifs are back knowing the truth of everything.
I let out a sigh. “I finally let them go after you and Zayn got married. Maybe not on that exact day, but it was easier to let it go.”
Remembering that day brings a sting to my heart.
I stand next to my best friend with a heavy heart knowing he’s about to marry the woman I love.
The one I’ve loved since I first laid eyes on her.
But she loves Zayn, and I can’t get in the way of that.
I still have what ifs of not telling her.
It makes me feel so guilty because ever since the night at the lake house, I’ve continued on in a relationship with Rya.
It’s been slow moving for sure because I still had some hope for me and Violet.
Maybe in a way I deserved this for loving another man’s fiancée.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my head I make myself believe I’m a bad person for loving one and only liking the other. And it feels like I’m betraying Zayn.
Everyone comes to a stand, and I shift my gaze over to where Violet is slowly walking down the aisle. I swallow the lump in my throat. Is this really it? She’s going to make this decision before knowing how I feel about her.
This isn’t fair.
Her face lights up once she catches Zayn’s attention.
I can’t help but smile back at her even if she’s not looking at me.
She’s beautiful. Her white gown hugs her frame before flowing out with a laced train behind her.
Her veil frames her face, making her glow.
Then she stops right in front of Zayn, blocking my view of her.
They’re at the ‘I do’ part of the ceremony. My stomach twists in knots, going back and forth on if I should stop this or not. How would that make me look? Like a coward? Like a jealous prick?
I shift my body over so I can see her over Zayn’s shoulder. She’s staring down at their hands. Look at me. Look at me, I say to myself. Come on. Look up.
Her eyes shift up, and we lock eyes for a brief second. In that moment, I’m about to tell her I love her. But before I can, the moment disappears as she breaks our gaze; her eyes shift to Zayn and with a wide grin she says, “I do.”
“Did you ever think to tell me you liked me even after Rya told you I liked Zayn?”
“All the time. I went back and forth for a while, thinking of whether I should or shouldn’t. I was stuck between my feelings and not betraying Zayn and Rya.” I let out a groan. “Like always, I put them before me, and look where it got us.”
“Don’t blame yourself. I could have said something, too, but never did.”
I watch her tuck a strand of damp hair behind her ear, her eyes glistening under the soft bathroom light.
For a second, the heaviness between us eases, and it feels like we’re two teens again.
No lies, no Zayn, no Rya, just us talking so naturally about anything.
Everything always comes so naturally with her.
Like I can be myself and never get judged.
Sometimes it was so hard to pull any conversation from Rya because it was always about her.
If it wasn’t about her, we didn’t talk about it.
I’m feeling bad about myself for how I let someone treat me like that.
“Did you ever think to tell me you liked me after finding out I supposedly liked Rya?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I was actually kind of glad back then I never told you because I was already second-guessing if you would have found it weird since we were best friends.”
“But didn’t you catch on to anything when we would study together?”
She tilts her head curiously, but then shrugs her shoulders. “Yeah, sort of, but I thought I had imagined everything.”
A small chuckle comes out of me and she raises her eyebrow. “I thought I imagined everything too.”
She giggles. “You’re always nice and always thoughtful of me and everyone around you because that’s the person you are. So it was kind of easy to think I imagined it.”
“But I did a lot more for you than anyone else.”
“Like what?”
My mouth parts at her question. “Like what?” I repeat, giving her a smirk. “Like all that time I spent with you after school to help you get your grades up.”
Her face falls and she bites her lip. “Ugh. I thought you did that out of the kindness of your heart.”
“I did. But I wouldn’t have spent that much time with you.”
She lets out a chuckle. “Ouch.”
“I don’t mean it like that. It’s just…I don’t think anyone would spend that much time with someone if they didn’t like them.”
Her lips tighten and her cheeks flush pink. “Yeah. I guess I can see that. That makes sense now.”
“I liked being around you. Just the two of us,” I finally admit. After all these years, it feels good to finally come clean about everything.
“I had no idea,” she says quietly, and her tone is weighed down by regret and sadness. “Maybe if I had caught on, things might have been different. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed Rya.”
“We’re not to blame. We were both dealt a shitty hand.”
For the first time in years, I don’t feel the weight of the “what ifs” sitting heavy and hovering over my life.
I finally said it. I finally told her the truth I buried so deep it almost ate me alive.
I liked her, I love her, I always have. I’m done pretending and punishing myself away from it.
Nothing matters anymore. Not Zayn. Not Rya.
What matters is right now. Her sitting in front of me, looking at me with eyes that have never judged me, not even now that the truth is finally out.
All these years I judged myself, and it feels like I can breathe again, like I’ve been holding my breath for years and I can finally let it go.
I can’t dwell on the past anymore. The only thing to do now is move forward.