CHAPTER 30
SIERRA
I was back home, but it felt like anything but home.
More like a prison.
A prison where I had reduced myself into an unrecognizable version of myself.
But the only person who did this to myself was me. I had no one else to blame.
I had a beautiful man waiting for me in New York and finals in exactly sixteen days, but here I was hiding in Iona.
Since finals was a grand affair, it took place in another stadium, and there was usually a few weeks’ gap for us to train. But this time, I was doing anything but training. I hadn’t touched my PC since semis, and I was also ignoring my teammates. I didn’t have it in me to let them down, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
I thought I was so sure, like I knew what I wanted. And I thought I could be that strong girl who braved her chest and opposed her parents’ views and brought a gold back home to the incredible man who cared and supported her.
But all that dissolved into nothing in an instant. After they left that night, I tried. I tried so hard to stay strong and prove myself, but the more I tried, the more the memories of my family flooded back to me.
My mom holding me to her chest whenever I was sick, her making me all my favorite food without me even asking, her softly caressing my head when I couldn’t fall asleep, her crying when I hurt my leg once, and my dad picking me up everyday after school with a grin on his face even though his work was on the other side of town.
It was then that I realized I missed them terribly.
You see, my parents had an unshakable view of life, but the way they protected and loved me was something I couldn’t deny. I found myself questioning whether my career was worth the price of losing my parents. And it simply wasn’t.
Gaming would always be a part of who I am, my identity, but not at the cost of my parents.
And then there was Matty. I felt so guilty to be even thinking about him.
I spoke very few words on our phone calls and texted sporadically, not for the lack of trying on his part. But I just felt like he didn’t deserve me stringing him along.
I was going to be back here in Iona, and his life was in New York.
I didn’t know how I fit in all of that.
Would we work as a long-distance couple?
Were we even that solid to think of something like that? We’d only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, but I already knew Matty was it for me.
No other man could take abode in my heart.
That place was only for him.
I was irrevocably and irresistibly in love with Matty Evans.
And I didn’t think that would change till the day I died.
But was it right of me to give him false hope and make this harder for him? He deserved to be with someone who had their shit together, who had their life figured out, someone strong by his side, not a girl going through a midlife crisis in her teens.
But I was selfish.
I couldn’t just let him go like that.
He was my everything.
“You’re thinking a little too hard, mi amor.” Abuela peered down at me with her intelligent eyes while her hands worked her crochet hooks like a pro.
“Maybe,” I mumbled, burying myself deeper in her lap.
She and Raphy were the only ones who made me feel a semblance of myself again. Abuela had a few choice words for Dad when I returned home, not like he listened, taking Mom’s side, who was satisfied with my decision to return.
Yet reminded me clearly that her disappointment still remained.
After learning my actual GPA, my mom right about snapped at me with a hard glare before sighing heavily and giving me the biggest lecture about how I should’ve taken my studies seriously and how it was too late to get into a good college now.
But still, she announced with a firm tone that she would do the research this time and gather the best possible options for me.
“Is it about that pretty boy?” Abuela gave a cheesy smile that deepened the wrinkles on her smooth brown skin.
“He’s not a boy, Abuela. He’s twenty-seven.”
She lifted a shoulder. “To me, he is a boy, mi amor.”
I mean, technically yes.
“So is it that boy who’s got you frowning like that?”
“No.” My eyes softened, and my heart puddled just thinking about him. “He would never make me frown or sad. He appears so hard on the outside, but he’s like a teddy bear, always taking care of me and encouraging me.”
“Seems like you’ve fallen in love, mi amor.” Abuela grinned, setting aside her crochet and threading her fingers through my hair. “Falling in love with the right man isn’t something everyone gets to experience in this lifetime. You’re one of the lucky ones.”
“I don’t feel so lucky,” I mumbled.
“Victoria has strict beliefs because she grew up that way. Just don’t give up, and keep your head held high. You’re too blinding to fade away because of your mother.”
I nodded, a small smile creeping onto my lips, but that halted when Mom’s shrill voice echoed through the room, calling out for me.
Abuela rolled her eyes, going back to her crochet while I took my sweet time lifting myself off the couch. I was in no hurry to see Mother. It would be another one of her future plan lectures, and I was just so tired of it.
I wanted to be upside down on a certain man’s couch watching K-drama as I strategized game plans while Matty looked at me with bemused wonderment.
What would I do to have those moments again?
“Yes, Mom?” I asked, entering our little dining area where she was situated in her usual seat, her reading glasses perched on her petite nose while she peered at a bunch of papers in front of her.
“Good, Sierra, you’re here. Take a seat.”
And I did, like an obedient girl without speaking another word.
“So I contacted a few schools and spoke with an adviser that Mrs. Chenin recommended, and thankfully, we still do have a few good options for you. Not the greatest but it would do.” She proceeded to tell how the best option was to get into biology at our local community college and do exceptionally well, so well that I could secure an Ivy League admission for med school. She firmly added that I would need to be dedicated and work hard.
There was zero ounce of excitement in my blood during the entire talk. Just thinking that this would be my life for the next four years brought tears to my eyes.
There wasn’t a thrill in my arteries or a thrum in my heart or a fire in my nerves.
Like there usually was when I gamed.
Nothing .
I felt nothing.
This wasn’t me at all. I would waste away till there weren’t even crumbles left of me anymore.
Was that what my parents wanted?
For me to feel like I was nothing.
“You’ll come with me tomorrow morning to see the adviser, and I want to get your applications started as soon as possible. We’ve already wasted too much time.”
“I can’t tomorrow,” I blurted. “I’m meeting Matty.” Tomorrow was a Thursday, and I wasn’t going to miss the chance of seeing him. Not like he hadn’t tried to invite himself over every single day since he left me outside my house five days ago.
“You’re still with him?” She frowned.
My heart stopped. Why would she say something like that?
“Ye…yes.”
“I assumed you would’ve left him when you came back home,” she said in a nonchalant tone while she sifted through the papers. “I know Mr. Evans is a good man, very respectful and kind, but at the end of the day, he is a celebrity, Sierra. Do you think you could fit into that lifestyle? I don’t think you would fit into his life, sweetie. I hope you think about it. I won’t interfere in your dating life. We’ll meet the adviser on Friday.”
And with that, she left, taking poised steps out of the room.
The only way Victoria Chan would deem elegant for a lady. Not even seeing the wreckage she caused on her daughter’s heart.
Which lay shattered on the ground.
Like pieces and pieces of bleeding shards of glass.
I don’t think you would fit into his life, Sierra.
There it was, another person voicing out my own thoughts.
I sat there, right where she left me, staring at the neat order of papers.
Such stark contrast to my messy insides. But that was how I felt.
I knew, right then, I just knew.
Matty Evans was too big for someone small like me.
As bitter as it was to swallow, I knew what I had to do.