CHAPTER 28
Minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days, and days turned into a week.It had been exactly a week since I’d seen him.
Every time I tried to catch a glimpse of him in the hallway, he always ran away. Or he was hiding in his haven. I knew because the ghostly cadence of his music haunted me every single night.
It was frightening. I get that he needed his space and time, but I wished that he wouldn’t take so much of it.
It was minutes, hours, and days that I couldn’t waste.
Minutes, hours, and days that I didn’t have.
Minutes, hours, and days that I wanted to spend with him.
I was going to wait till the end of tonight before I broke into his apartment and demanded the answers I deserved.
As much as I tried to think of what could have spiraled him, I couldn’t come to a conclusion.
He was in a weird mood a week before the incident, so did something about it remind him of that?
But still, what wasn’t he telling me?
I had a feeling that whatever it was, it had to be the same reason he pulled away from me all those years ago.
If so, what was he hiding?
I was racking my brain trying to connect all the dots, but I always arrived at a dead end.
I sighed as I carried myself over to my brother’s apartment, knowing the code I entered in and padded straight to the living room to see Evy slouched over the couch furiously typing on her laptop.
“Hey, Evy.” I greeted her with a hug as I slid in beside her.
“Hey, Lily.” She smiled, but it soon turned into a frown. “Are you alright? You look exhausted.”
“I guess I am.” I rolled my head on the back of the couch.
“Is this about Mikey?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.
She exhaled loudly. “Maybe he needs a bit more time.”
“I have no hope at this point. He is doing the same thing that he did all those years ago, and honestly, I’m not sure if I can take it one more time.”
“I’ve always thought there was more to Mikey than he was letting on.”
A smile curved my lips. “Yeah, he’s a jokester and talks too much, but he’s actually a quiet boy who always listens to every boring detail I tell him, looks at me like I’m his world, and understands me like no one does. Everyone thinks he has like two functioning brain cells, but that boy is pretty smart, and he has the biggest heart.”
A moment passed, and Evy never replied, so I darted my eyes to her, and she wore a full-on grin. The back of my neck flushed. “What?” I mumbled.
“Looks like you’ve already fallen for him. ”
“What?” I shouted, eyes wide as I sat straight. My abrupt voice change triggered a wheezing cough out of me. My body shook as I tried to keep it in. My condition had gotten worse this week. In a way, I was thankful that Michael didn’t get to witness any of it.
“Lily, shit.” Evy furiously rubbed my back. “Are you okay?”
I nodded as the cough finally left me. “I’m fine.”
She frowned, handing me the glass of water that she kept for herself.
“Thanks,” I muttered, washing away the dryness from my throat.
“Lily, that was some cough.” Her eyes pinned me in place. “Are you supposed to cough like that? I thought you just had anemia.”
“I also have the flu.” I wasn’t sure how long I was going to keep up with this lie and get away with it.
“The flu?” Her hand pressed on my forehead. “You don’t have a fever. Also, Jay mentioned last week that you were coming down with something. If your flu is lasting this long, something else might be going on.”
Fuck, she wasn’t buying it.
“Hey, girls,” my brother’s voice filled the room.
Evy turned her attention to him, and he immediately swept her in a tight hug.
My heart ached at that scene. I wanted to hug someone like that, a particular someone .
“Hey, little shit.” He approached me as he let her go and ruffled my hair as he gathered me in his arms. “You okay?”
“Yeah. ”
Evy had a suspicious look on her face as she watched me, but thankfully, she didn’t say a thing.
“Any word from him?” I craned my neck to meet my brother’s eyes.
“No.” A dejected look crowded his eyes. “Just let him be.”
Frustration peaked its way up my pulse. “How long do I have to let him be, Emmie? I’m so tired of his bullshit. I’m going to go see him now.”
I advanced toward the door, but Emmie grasped a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. “Don’t. He’s not in his apartment.”
I met my brother’s eyes. “Then where is he?”
Emmie averted his gaze. “I can’t really say.”
“Oh, so now you’re hiding things from me too?” I clenched my teeth.
A shadow of guilt clouded his face, and it dawned on me right there what an absolute fool I’d been. “You know, don’t you?” I asked in disbelief.
“What?” His voice was laced with panic as it reached my ears, but it was obvious now. The day when Michael stopped being my friend was suddenly when he became Emmie’s best friend. All this time, my own brother knew the reason why my best friend ghosted me, yet he still kept quiet.
It felt like alcohol was being poured on a fresh open wound.
“You know the reason that Michael stopped being my friend all those years ago.”
Remorse darkened his eyes. “I do, Lily, but it’s not what you think, and it’s not my place to tell you, okay?” Emmie’s throat worked a swallow. “He’s trying, it won’t be like last time.”
“At least, tell me where he is.”
“I can’t.” His voice grew hoarse.
“Please,” I whispered.
It only took a moment before my brother relented. “Tyler will drive you there, but don’t expect him to welcome you with open arms.”
“I won’t,” I mustered some confidence in my voice.
Twenty minutes later, Tyler dropped me off at a modern townhouse on a nice street.
“Thanks,” I mumbled as I got out.
All my earlier confidence faded as I stared at the pale blue door, not anticipating the anxiety that spiked my blood.
Whose house was this?
Did he have a secret family or something?
But that made no sense. He was only fifteen when it all changed.
Well, I guess I wouldn’t know till I see for myself.
My shaky feet climbed the stairs. A slight breeze rustled the air before the first drop of rain fell on my lashes.
It somehow felt like a sign, but I wasn’t sure why.
I took one deep breath before I raised my fist to the door.
MIKEY
A few hours earlier…
I had no idea when the last time I slept or ate was, but it didn’t matter.
Time and day seemed to slip past me into nothingness .
Stuck in this desolate hole suffocated in murky thick air, my mind flashed back to the vivid images of everything that happened that night.
I let her see me like that.
Again.
Gave in to the urge that I thought I had controlled, but no, I had no control over it.
It controlled me.
The loud silence was interrupted by a rattle on the door, but my bones didn’t bother to find out who it was.
“Mikey, I know you’re in there.” Emmie’s annoying voice leaked into my apartment; the voice that had the world by its feet, but at this moment, it grated my nerves.
A quiet moment calmed the room and it looked like that fucker was finally gone and I went back to my shrouded gloom.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, I knew she was probably thinking that I was abandoning her again and I knew that I should tell her everything, but I didn’t know how.
The demon in me won in the end.
I listened to the urge, blinded by the fury.
It showed her what a true monster I was.
It was something I never wanted her to witness.
Every cell in my body wanted to rush to her side and confess the ruination of my past that held me like a tight noose around my neck.
But the other part of me was scared, so scared that I had a million thoughts running through my mind .
What if I let her get close to me? What if one day I get so consumed completely that I hurt her like the man who spawned me hurt Mama?
A loud thud slammed through the room; my eyes landed on the fucker that just burst into my apartment.
“I’ve knocked on your door for the past ten minutes.” He gave me a pointed look as he advanced toward me. “This place stinks. When was the last time you had a shower?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered, and that fucker came into my eyeshot, glaring holes down on me. I shifted to the right trying to escape his gaze, but he wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone.
“What the fuck is your problem?” I rose, letting out an irritated sigh. “And who the fuck gave you permission to enter my apartment?”
“I’m here to get your head out of your ass.”
“Well, no thanks.”
In the blink of an eye, he grabbed me by my collar and yanked me toward him. “My sister’s worried sick. You either get your act up or forget Lily forever. ” Every word out of his mouth felt like a sucker punch to my gut, and my body lost all its fight, sagging as he let me go.
“I… I don’t know how.”
He sighed, lowering himself next to me.
We sat side by side, our eyes trained on the massive floor-to-ceiling window, overlooking the Manhattan skyline, the sky shrouded by plump gray clouds ready to burst out anytime.
“I want her, but I’m scared to want her.” My voice cracked. “Scared that I might… ”
“Evy loves the rain,” he said with a smile on his face.
I frowned at his completely offhanded reply. “What?”
“She loves it. The darker the sky gets, the happier she becomes. Do you remember that time we had that storm in Bellevue?”
I nodded, still having no clue where he was going with this.
“The entire town was in a blackout, scared out of their lives, but the smile never faded off her face the entire time it poured. I’d never told anyone but I was terrified of the thunder. I made sure to always stay at home whenever there was a massive storm, but all that changed when I saw her face and all my fears just vanished into nothing.”
My frown deepened. “Why are you telling me this?”
His voice took a serious tone. “Whatever you’re feeling now or whatever you’ve been feeling all this time will one day be that last thing on your mind. That’s what love is but you’ve got to give it a fighting chance and you have to face it rather than blame yourself.”
“Then what should I do?” I asked, through the thick of my throat.
He fixed me with his hard stare, his voice firm. “You need to talk to her .”
“Lily?” I sighed. “I know…”
He shook his head, his gaze softening a bit. “No, your mother.”
My eyes widened, and my words faltered. “I…I.”
His hand gripped my shoulder, squeezing hard. “I think it’s about time. Either you talk and sort this out, or if you want to keep digging yourself a deeper hole, you’re welcome to. Just know that you’ll never get to see my sister again. I’ll make sure of that.” And with that, he walked away.
My heart thundered and my thoughts ran on a fast loop but he was right. I had to do this for her, for my Lily.
“I’ll do it,” I blurted, my eyes going to his back as he came to a standstill. “I’ll do it. I’ll go talk to my mother. You’re right. It’s something that I should’ve done a long time ago.”
He looked over his shoulder with a smile. “Good,” he said, before nodding as he exited.
My entire moment felt robotic as I dragged my feet to the shower.
The blazing water poured down my back as my hands gripped the wall hard, trying to wash it all away and buy some extra time, but it was inevitable; it had to happen.
I didn’t bother drying my hair as I slipped into a dark gray hoodie and my black sweatpants, taking one last look at myself in the mirror.
Soulless green eyes stared back at me, shrouded with purple circles, pale skin, and chapped lips framed with my wet hair hanging by my shoulder, dripping all over my hoodie.
I looked like a tortured ghost.
I sighed one last breath before I stormed out of the apartment, hesitating for a second when my eyes landed on her door. I knew she was in there.
One more day , I whispered in the air as I rushed out.
Carrying the brown paper bag full of peaches, I stared at the familiar pale blue door.
The rustle of the leaves outside was loud, loud enough that the clouds could cry at any minute .
A sick feeling drenched my gut, but I willed a deep breath and knocked on the door.
“Honey, what are you doing here?” Mama’s smile halted midway as she opened the door and took in the sight of me.
I was never at her place unannounced.
I swallowed the dryness down my throat and mustered a smile. “I came to see you, Mama.”
Her eyes softened as she pulled me into a hug, and the muscles in my body stiffened. “It’s just that you never come unless it’s Thursday,” she whispered against my shirt, her voice laced with emotion.
An uncomfortable lump lodged in my rib cage, but I forced myself to bring my hand to her back, giving her an awkward pat. “I can come to see my mother anytime, right?” I gave her a small smile.
Her stunned eyes met mine as she pulled back, her face transformed with a huge grin. “Of course, sweetie.”
My heart tugged for some reason. It’s been ages since Mama and I exchanged something as affectionate as this. “I brought you peaches,” I said softly.
“You always do, sweetie.” She stepped inside the hallway and gestured for me to follow, still not losing the smile on her face that made her eyes glow with happiness. “I was just about to put something together for Marcus and me.”
Oh hell, I thought she was going to be alone.
A tall man wearing a plaid shirt and a kind smile turned toward me as I entered the living room. “Oh, we have a guest. You must be Michael,” he said, holding his hand. “Mira has told me a lot about you. ”
“Honey, this is Marcus,” Mama added, dropping the bags on the kitchen counter before she rushed to my side.
“Marcus.” I shook his hand in a firm grip, eyeing him over. He looked to be in his early 50s, well-built with peppered hair. I had run a background check on him, just in case, given my mother’s choice of men and my status in the industry, I couldn’t let her get hurt again . He had a pretty clean record and was a decorated army veteran, so I was glad she had found someone who could make her happy. She deserved it more than anyone.
Mama hooked her arm with mine. “I wanted you to meet Marcus for a long time, Michael. I’m so glad you decided to come over today.” She beamed at me.
I nodded stiffly.
“Mira, I’m going to head out to get the wine you wanted.” Marcus grabbed the jacket from the couch and donned it.
“Marcus, we have enough. We can get it tomorrow.” Mama’s face scrunched into a frown.
“No, you asked for it. It will be perfect with the fish.”
“But it’s too far away.”
Despite her protests, he laid a soft hand on her shoulder, giving her a warm smile before his wise eyes glanced my way, nodding.
I nodded back, understanding that he was leaving so Mama and I could get some time to ourselves.
“I don’t understand why we need wine all of a sudden,” Mama whispered as he left.
I flashed her a faint smile. “Maybe he is trying to impress me, Mama. ”
She beamed, heading toward the open kitchen, and I stayed rooted in my spot, a flare of anxiousness swimming in my gut. My thumb flicked my palm in a rhythm that matched my heart.
“How was your week, baby? When are you boys coming up with the next album?” she asked as she started to unpack the peaches.
“Mama,” I said in a voice I didn’t recognize. She felt its vulnerability too because she froze, her eyes flying to me. “I need to talk to you,” I blurted before I could cower like a fool.
“Okay.” She set the fruit aside and stepped toward me with a puzzled look on her face. “What about, honey?”
Panic clamped my throat. “About what happened,” my whisper clung in the air as her eyes widened, and it took her a moment to shake out of the shock of my response.
She asked many times over the years to talk about that night but I evaded it every single time yet here I was.
“Of course.” She swallowed, gesturing me to the couch.
My stiff bones stepped forward and slid in next to her, hunching over as my clammy palms gripped my knees.
A lucid tension riddled the air as the silence passed between us.
“Why now?” she asked.
My eyes left the ground and met hers, her golden hair catching the glow from the lamp on the side. A roll of heavy thunder cracked the skies outside, followed by the patter of the rain. Fitting for the situation.
“I should’ve done this a long time ago, but I kept putting it off.” A shaky laugh left me. “Because I was terrified to take you back to that time, a time that… reminded you of him .”
Her delicate hand grasped over my rough one.
“I’m sorry, Ma.” I fixed my gaze with hers, my voice hoarse. “I’m sorry that I remind you of that monster. I’m sorry that I let you see me like that. I have it inside me, Ma, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
Mama’s eyes widened with every word that left my mouth, and she let out a wobbly breath. “What… what are you talking about, Michael?”
“That night, Ma, I became him, the sickness you called it. It’s inside me too. I know you saw it. I’m sorry I scared you.”
“Michael,” she said, a tremble in her voice. “I don’t understand, why are you sorry? What sickness? What monster? What are you talking about, baby? I don’t understand.”
A frown creased my forehead. “I’m talking about that night , Ma. The night when I stabbed him to save you and let out the sickness I had in me. You were scared; I saw it. That night when I found out I was just like him, just like the man…”
My words stilled when her shaky hand covered my mouth, my blood filled with confusion.
“You think what you did that night scared me? Are you bla… blaming yourself, Michael?” Her eyes glossed over as they peered at me. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me all these years?”
“Yes,” I whispered as I grasped her hand away from me. “I didn’t want to remind you of him. You looked at me the way you looked at him, Ma. ”
A silent sob wracked out of her. “No, baby. You’ve got it all wrong. All this time, I thought you were mad at me. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I…I don’t understand.” My voice wavered.
“It’s all my fault. I should’ve talked to you sooner.” Her voice cracked. “But every time I tried you always got that dark look in your eyes, and I didn’t want to press you, thinking I’d upset you further. A lot happened that night, Michael, a lot that you don’t remember, and I kept it that way, thinking that it would be for the best.”
“But I was there that night. I know what happened. I grabbed the glass and stabbed him blindingly. Even though you asked me to stop, by the time I did, it was too late. The fear in your eyes was evident, Ma.”
She shook her head, tears spilling from her eyes. “It wasn’t you I was looking at; it was the man behind you. When you heard me call you, you turned to look at me, but somehow Adam regained consciousness and held a knife to your head. I screamed, trying to get you away, but you were dazed, almost in a shocked state, so I scrambled up to your side in time and pulled you away from him, but not before I took the knife from his hand and stabbed him straight in the heart. I don’t know what came over me; all I knew was that I had to protect you. Everything after that was a complete blur, and I was so guilty and ashamed that it was all my fault that we were in this situation in the first place. It felt like I failed my son.”
“I don’t remember that happening,” I whispered. A baffled turmoil took its place in my heart, my head spinning from everything she said .
“He died that night. They couldn’t save him. I tried to speak to you, but you wouldn’t say a word, and you had no recollection of what happened, so I left it that way. The police took me the next day. I lied to you, saying I was going away for a while, leaving you with Stephen and the Jamesons. I knew they would protect you. I spent about a month in jail before the judge dismissed the case as self-protection after I proved the years of abuse, and Child Services only got off my back after it was filed that there was no evidence of abuse on you.”
Every breath I took felt like I was inhaling a dozen needles. Every single detail from that night I remembered in vivid color; it all felt like it happened yesterday. Yet up only till the point that I saw Mama’s eyes though. After that, I balled myself into a dark bubble, fading away into nothing thinking it was all my fault.
She cupped my cheek, bringing her eyes to me. “I wasn’t looking like that at you, Michael. I never would. You’re the reason I survived, baby. If it hadn’t been for you, I would have given up a long time ago. I tried so hard to work things out with you, but I was so scared. If I had known all this time that you’ve been beating yourself up, blaming yourself for the mess that I put you in, I would’ve asked you to forgive me a long time ago.” Her lips wobbled as she broke into a sob. “It’s not you who should be saying sorry. It should be me. For staying with that monster. For putting you through all of this.”
My chest felt full; I still couldn’t wrap my head around it all, but I knew the truth anyway. “It’s not your fault. You had no choice. But I have him in me, Ma, and that’s something I can never change.”
“No, baby.” She trembled like she was holding back a sob. “Yo…You’re not his son.”
I stilled. “What?”
A moment passed as her hazy eyes focused on the wall. “When I met Adam, I thought he was the love of my life, the answer to all my prayers, and I thought if I married him, I would never be alone again. But God, how wrong was I? Only after we got married did he show me the ugly side of him—the real side. It got so bad one night that I just wanted to escape.” A single teardrop trickled down her cheek. “I remember running away, my head muddled as I drove, having no clue where I was going. It seemed like hours until I ended up at a bar in the middle of nowhere, where I met your father.” A faint smile lit up her face. “He seemed nice. At first, I didn’t think much of it, but then one thing led to another, and I felt something akin to happiness that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and the lines blurred.” Her soft eyes focused on me. “A month later, I found out I was pregnant with you.”
“How do you know?” I swallowed. “That I am not his ?”
“I know, baby.” Her soft hand landed on my thigh. “You look just like him. Plus, Adam couldn’t have children.” The last words she whispered hung in the air like a murky thread.
It all made sense somehow—his leering looks toward me, his baseless jabs, and his unwarranted hate. I always wondered why my own father loathed me. When I saw the other kids in school with their dads, a deep sense of ache gnawed at me. And now, every doubt and every question that lurked inside my head had a clear answer.
I was never his son.
“I’m sorry, Michael.” Mama’s soft voice reeled me back to the present. “It’s all my fault. I can’t believe you’ve been blaming yourself for the mess I caused. I was scared, terrified to leave him, and I thought I did everything to protect you, but I failed,” she cried, her hands clutching my shoulders. “I failed you, Michael.”
I closed my arms around her. “I never blamed you, Ma. And you didn’t fail me,” I muttered. My muscles didn’t freeze like they usually did. Instead, I felt a strange sense of comfort as I held her close.
Every revelation weighed down on me like heavy bricks. All that I believed to be the truth wasn’t true.
The urge, the anger I was so sure that I inherited from the man who haunted my childhood wasn’t even my real father.
The monster I perceived I’d become from that night—the night that I was so convinced that shaped my existence wasn’t real either.
“Please tell me you forgive me, Mikey,” Ma whispered solemnly.
I swiped my thumb along her wet cheeks. “There is nothing to forgive, Ma.”
A bright smile spread across her lips, bringing out the green specks in her eyes—the kind of smile I hadn’t seen in years.
It was only then that I realized the constant battle I had with myself ruined my relationship with my mom. I stayed away, fearing my presence would bring back painful memories for her. But thinking back now—she tried, every single time she tried, and I misunderstood it for something else.
“I love you, baby.”
My lips tugged into a lopsided grin. “I’m not a baby anymore, Ma.”
A pretty laugh spilled out of her. “You always will be my baby.”
I shook my head.
She cleared her throat. “Why don’t you stay till dinner, honey?” she asked, her eyes hopeful.
“Okay,” I mumbled, running a hand through my semi-wet hair.
She nodded, hopping to her feet, and I watched as she ambled to the kitchen, the smile never leaving her face.
The heaviness of our conversation disappeared, and the silence that ensued was calming, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time with her.
It wasn’t long before Marcus returned with Ma’s favorite wine, and I helped set the table for dinner.
Just then, a knock rambled through the door.
A confused frown marred Ma’s face. “I wasn’t expecting anyone else.”
“Don’t worry, honey.” Marcus gestured, already heading toward the hallway. “I’ll get it.”
Ma’s questioning eyes met mine, but I shrugged, placing the plates on the table.
Two pairs of footsteps sounded off from behind me, and I spun around to see Marcus crowd the doorway with a wide grin .
“There is someone here to see you, Mikey,” he said, stepping aside.
My heart skipped a beat at the pair of violet eyes staring back at me.
Lily.
My Lily.
She blinked, coming to a stop as she whispered, “Michael.”
Time stood still as her soft lips spelled out my name. As I looked into those wide eyes, something jolted straight through my heart.
Something akin to a feeling I hadn’t felt in forever—hope.
A hope for tomorrow, a hope for forever—with her.
I was going to try my hardest not to let my past define me anymore because one thing was certain—my future was her, and I wasn’t going to waste another second of it.