Chapter 42 #2
“No. You can’t go. We gotta talk. I don’t understand what is going on.”
My boyfriend stiffened beside me, watching me, waiting for me to say something.
“I-I just can’t do this right now. I need some air. Us, you and me, it’s…it’s moving too fast. Please, gimme some room to breathe, okay? If you love me, you’ll cut me some slack.” I tried to push back, but he held on to me, making it impossible for me to stand up and run away.
“Mel, you are making zero sense right now. It feels like déjà-vu from last year, almost to the day. Don’t you dare walk away from me without explaining stuff this time.
I don’t know if this is your way of breaking up with me, but just in case it’s a lame attempt to do so, listen to me.
We said we’d be honest with each other this time around, so this is me speaking my heart.
I won’t let you spoil what we have because we both know it’s fucking real.
Realer than everything else we’ve both ever experienced before.
Realer than any football game or swim meet.
Realer than the basic concept of love. We’re it, Shepard.
No matter what happens or what your fears are telling you, we are meant to be.
It’s written in the sky, burned into my heart, carved into my soul.
I’m here. With you. Whatever is going on, I’m not going anywhere. And neither are you.”
I stood there, speechless, and blinked. His words sounded more poetic than any love declaration and threw me off my game. I wasn’t sure where I stood anymore.
Let him go. I wanted to punch the nagging voice in my head that wasn’t invited and wouldn’t mind its own business. To shut it up once and for all.
“Does it have anything to do with what happened with Nichols or the tests they ordered that night after we went back to the ER?”
I shook my head, my complicated emotions held only by a flimsy thread.
My need to run away had lessened, but I wasn’t sure how to tell him what the doctor had said over the phone.
“No. It’s not…it’s not that. My fears have nothing to do with my decision.
I want a little time to think. Away from everything...
A little time to get my thoughts and my life in order. ”
“Why would you need to do that?”
I gave him a half dismissive shrug. I had to come up with a smart explanation that would sound realistic.
“Too much stuff’s going on. I feel like we’re moving too fast.” I wanted to facepalm myself.
Seriously? This was the best I could come up with?
Oh yeah, because I didn’t want to break up with him.
I needed him. More than ever. I was just too stubborn—or too scared—to tell him what was happening and how I felt.
“I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me right now. I can tell. No more bullshit. Spill the truth.”
Once again, he saw right through my lies.
“I love you, Mase. I will forever do, but how can you be sure we’re doing the right thing here? That we’re right for each other?”
“Right for each other? Are you hearing yourself?” He jumped to his feet, pacing across the room. “You whispered the opposite to me when you woke up this morning after I made you come all over my fingers.”
I stood up and folded my arms over my chest. “Well, it was the post-sex bliss doing the talking. It’s not how I feel right now. Maybe we should take a break for real or something if you’ve decided to fight me on this.”
“Fight you on this?”
“Some time apart might do us some good. You have a big game coming up, and you gotta focus on that. I don’t wanna be a distraction.”
“STOP. I’m not having it. A distraction? That’s a load of crap, and you know it. Tell me what’s going on for real. Are you dying and trying to protect me? I feel like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality. Nothing you say adds up.”
I blinked. “No. No one is dying. I’m just… I don’t know, okay?” My need to flee the scene returned. I had to get out of here. I had to be away from him before I spilled it all out and created more chaos in our lives. “One day, you’ll realize I spoke the truth.”
I whirled around, but before I could bolt, he grabbed my wrist to halt my escape.
With his other hand, he lifted the hem of the hoodie I was wearing, revealing my bare stomach.
He examined me without saying a word. Next, he ran his hand along my arm, starting at my shoulder, down to my fingertips, his attention on my nails.
He lowered the neckline of my sweatshirt, exposing my collarbones.
I sucked in a breath, not sure what to do.
Mason fisted my hair, his gaze trailing all over the length of my neck, my cheeks, my eyes.
Then it dawned on me. He was checking if I had relapsed. The last time I’d kicked him out of my life, it was because I was trying to hide my body dysmorphia from him.
“I’m not sick,” I told him in a whispered voice. “It’s not like that this time around. My nails aren’t brittle, and my hair isn’t thinning, and you won’t find bluish fingertips or dark circles under my eyes.”
His throat worked, and his eyes filled with moisture. “What is it then? I know there’s something you’re not telling me. This is how you act when you think I can’t handle the truth. You try to run away or keep me out of the loop, thinking you’re protecting me. Talk, I’m listening.”
My heart fractured at his sight. Every ounce of energy left me.
I sank onto the bed, hollow and aching with sadness.
Hiding my face in my palms, I cried. My sobs turned into hiccups.
Mason sat next to me, not saying a word.
He pressed his forehead to my shoulder as if he was trying to not only steal my pain away but was also willing to wait until I was ready to confide in him.
“The night we went back to the ER... You know… The bleeding…” Hiccup. “As the doctors told us then, the bleeding could have been a very early miscarriage, but they couldn’t say for sure. The blood tests didn’t show high enough hormone levels to confirm a pregnancy…”
“And we’ve been safe all along, so they told us it could mostly be the result of the trauma, something that might not have shown up on the ultrasound.”
“Right.”
“So what about it?”
“They got…they got the results from the MRI and all the tests, blood work, and everything they’ve investigated in the last week. They wanna see me…after the holidays to discuss stuff.”
“Okay. Did they drop any hint what this was about?”