31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Griffin's Beach Colt
C alla tugs on the black dress Colt all but had to wrestle her into, but at least she's dressed. Noah wears a black shirt with his jeans, and he seems happy to match Lucas. Thankfully, Lucas doesn't seem to have an issue with Noah copying him, much unlike Colt did with his own little brother. If he could take it all back now, he would.
Hailey put on a black dress, and she's around somewhere. The only one they're waiting on is Lex, except he hasn’t seen his wife in a while.
"Did she have to go and do something at the clubhouse?" Lucas asks and plays some hand gesture type game with Noah. It's similar to Rock-Paper-Scissors, but Colt can't make out what the new options are.
"I don't think so," he says. "Lex, baby, we gotta get going!"
He looks out the back to see if Lex sits on the swings. Whenever life gets heavy, she can usually be found on the swing set, something he's sure a therapist would be able to analyze in three seconds flat after learning about her family. They remain empty and move slightly with the breeze.
"Where's your sister?" he asks Lucas, realizing they've lost both females.
"She was just here. I think she went to see if she could borrow a necklace or something from Lex."
Maybe they're just getting ready. There's still time before they need to be at the clubhouse, but Lex has had him worried for two days. She's been mostly silent since Lane passed, and she didn't want to talk about it. If Zane said anything to her that day, she doesn't want to share, which is probably safest for his brother-in-law's sake.
"Colt!" Hailey shouts and hurries to the doorway of his bedroom. "I think Lex is broken!"
"Mom's broken?" Noah asks in alarm.
"Stay with Lucas and Calla," he says and runs into the bedroom.
Hailey points towards the bathroom, and he walks in to find Lex curled up on the bathmat sobbing. "I came to ask about the necklace and she was just... like that."
"Why don't you go and check if we have any snacks to bring for Calla," he says and crouches down in front of Lex. When Hailey leaves, he cups his wife's face. "Baby?"
Her eyes won't meet his, and he picks her up, carrying her into the bedroom. He sets her on the bed, hating how damn light she is. As messed up as it may be, Colt wishes his wife was a stress eater instead of the type to have to force herself to consume food. He'd give anything to watch her scarf down a pizza after a vigorous round of lovemaking.
"Baby, talk to me."
She just holds out her hand, and he sees an envelope between her fingers. Taking it, he recognizes Lane's handwriting from the stack of letters Lex brought home for Margaret. She wrote Lex one, too.
"Can I read it?"
She nods before wiping her eyes and lies back on the bed.
Lex, I don't have the words to express how grateful I am for you. I've been so focused on my own misery and making sure my family is taken care of that I completely overlooked the misery I created for you and yours. Until you held me as I cried, I didn't realize just how much weight you've lost. How tired you are. The fact that I know you have these two new teenagers in your home but don't remember their names. I've asked so much of you, but I haven't given you anything in return. I'm sorry I asked you to keep this from Colt. Like I said, I had this foolish hope that some type of miracle would happen. That there would be a treatment the doctors hadn't thought of, or one that was just recently approved, and I'd be okay. That it would cure me, or at least give me better odds to fight. I didn't want him to know because I didn't want it to get out, but I also didn't want it to be real. Until it felt real, I didn't feel like I was dying. Looking back, I see how terrible of a decision this was. I forced you to keep a secret until you broke, and I should have realized you needed someone to lean on while I leaned on you. It's something I can never make up to you and will never forgive myself for. I wish you'd have broken your promise and taken care of you. There's no way I would have held it against you. I chose you to help me because you're so strong. You've faced down death. You run into danger head on. When it comes to pissing off the men wearing the Drifter leather, you don't give a shit. Even after you were kidnapped (for the umpteenth time) and tortured, you still put us all in our place at that terrible meeting we had out of fear. You stood by the men who let you down time and time again because you're loyal to a fault. And I mean that as both a compliment and an insult. Courage has never been one of my strengths, and to prove my point, I'm going to admit something in this letter I couldn't say in person. I'm ashamed. I would like for you to forget one of the many, many favors I've asked you since you came home to help me. I asked you to find a way to help Zane aim his anger in the right direction, but after he returned with Margaret that night, I don't think it's a healthy option for you. He shared his perspective on this situation, and he's in no position to listen to anyone, including me. He needs you, but he won't allow himself to. I hope it will change, but I can't ask you to do this for me. It's not fair. If you could still give him the letter I gave you for the funeral, that's all I need. As long as Margaret knows she can count on you, I feel at ease. She's going to need you because I don't think Zane will be able to be the father I know he is. The one his daughter desperately needs. For a while, I fear she'll lose both of her parents, and it breaks my heart. I feel responsible because I'm the one leaving them. I created this large mess, and I won't be here to help clean it up. For that, I'm so sorry. I want you to know you are the best sister-in-law I could've ever dreamed of. You stepped in and did more for me than I ever had a right to ask of you. And you do everything with such amazing grace and poise. I really doubt anything else in your crazy life even remotely faltered while you helped take care of me, and that's more impressive than you'll ever know. I may be older than you, but I always tell Margaret that I want to be you when I grow up. Strong, independent, smart, beautiful, and a forgiving soul. You're loved by the club for so many reasons that I don't think I have the strength to even begin listing them here. I'd still be writing by the time I have to say goodbye. Please don't ever doubt your place with the club again. You belong here, and you have the power to make change happen. You've done it already, and you inspire it. Sometimes... you force it up on others, but it's usually for the best. I don't know much about your foster kids, but I do know they won the lottery with you and Colt. To take in two teenagers is generous, and forget about everything else. You're going to change their lives, and they'll be better people for knowing the two of you. I know you feel guilty right now for the relief you feel that this is finally over. Don't. I created so much chaos in your life, and it's okay to be relieved. I think in a way, Zane and Margaret feel something similar. The anticipation of the inevitable pain is sometimes worse than the actual hurt. It doesn't take it away, but the intensity isn't quite as severe. At least, I hope not. I hope to see you again one day when you walk up to those pearly gates, or whatever you believe in. Just, make it when you're old and finished. A hundred and thirty should probably be old enough. Take care of my girl for me. I love you, Lane
Wiping his own eyes, Colt looks at Lex. "She understands what she caused with Zane."
"He'll never forgive me, Colt," Lex whispers. "He has the perfect reason to hate me for the rest of his life."
"He's never needed a reason, baby," he says and pulls her up to sit next to him. "Maybe it won't be that way."
"You know him. He's not a forgiving man unless it suits him. There's no single thing I can think of that would suit him enough to consider forgiving me."
"You did what he couldn't, baby. At some point, he has to see that."
Her eyes glare at him, and he realized it as soon as the words left his mouth just how ridiculous it sounded. "Really?"
"Yeah, it sounded more convincing in my head."
"He's going to act out. I had this stupid hope that maybe it wouldn't be this bad, and that somehow Lane would be able to get through to him. But seeing her acknowledge it in writing tells me everything I need to know."
Rubbing her back, he kisses her forehead. "He needs some time. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I lost you, especially like that."
"I wish I could just smack some sense into him," she says with a humorless chuckle. "The truth is, he's going to let this pain consume him. I know him well enough to see the signs and anticipate his actions."
"That's his cross to bear."
"But at what expense? Margaret needs him more than ever, and he's about to go off the deep end. Lane knows her daughter's losing both of her parents. I don't know... maybe VP can get through to him."
He searches her face. "You think VP can do that?"
"He's the only one who stands a chance. He's been through this, so maybe? I just hope his relationship with my mother doesn't create the barrier I think it will. He's going to isolate himself to the point he hits rock bottom otherwise, and as angry as I am with him, I don't want that for him. And I don't want that for his daughter."
"Your brother has been enabled to act like a douche without ever facing the consequences of it. That's going to change."
Laughing, Lex tilts her head. "Yeah? How do you figure?"
He takes her hand and watches as his fingers interlock with hers. "Your father isn't sitting at the head of the table anymore. He's an Original Ten, but he's not in charge. And the three of us who are, not to mention the rest of the men around the table, love you too much to let his shit slide any longer. He's done getting free passes just because his mom died when he was little. None of us feel guilty enough to let him be a shithead the rest of his life."
"You have to give him a little grace. Please," she says and brings his hand to her lips. "Like you said, you can't imagine how you'd feel if you lost me like that. If you had to sit around and watch me die, you'd have a hard time with it. I know because I don't think I'd survive if I had to watch you in that position."
Pulling her into his lap, he cups her head and holds her close. "I'd be so fucking lost, but I have four children to take care of. To pour my entire reason for living into, and I know you would, too. That's where we're different from your asshat of a brother. We’re not going to lose ourselves at the expense of our kids."
Lex sniffles and buries her head in his chest. "I can't stop thinking about how difficult this had to be for Lane. She broke down and said how scared she was to miss everything. Leaving her husband and daughter behind hurt her more than the cancer. The idea of missing out on watching the kids grow up scares me, too."
Colt finally understands why she agreed to do what she did. It wasn't out of obligation or even hope that her brother would one day pull his head out of his ass. It was for a mother as a mother. And if there's anything he's learned since watching his wife become a mom, it’s that there is nothing stronger in this world than a mama bear. This wasn't something she chose to do because she's a woman of the club or a sister. She did it because she's a mom. It means the conviction ran much deeper than anyone thought.
"You remember how you told me when we were here last that your biggest flaw is self-sacrifice?" he asks.
"Yeah. That was also really good sex on the roof of the clubhouse."
Smiling, he nods. "Fuck yeah, it was. I want you to promise me something."
"No more promises," she groans. "They only bite me in the ass lately."
"I'll bite your ass, but I promise you'll like it," he says and nibbles on her shoulder. "I want you to promise me that after the funeral is over, you will stop sacrificing yourself. Don't put up with Zane's shit no matter how he's feeling. He doesn't get to take this out on you, and he doesn't matter more than you do. Be there for Margaret, but don't let her father skirt by and get away with bad behavior. Stand up for yourself, and I promise you that Zane is going to realize he's not just up against his little sister. He's up against this entire club, and he's going to fucking lose that battle."
Nodding, she sighs, her arms snaking around his body. "I have to take care of myself after today because I'm pouring from an empty cup. The last thing I want is for you or the kids to feel like I'm not doing my job."
"We'd never think that," he says, kissing her temple. "Never."
"Mama, are you okay?" Noah asks and walks into the room with Lucas behind him. "Hailey said you were broken."
She laughs as Hailey walks in holding Calla. "I'm getting there, baby."
"Do you need a hug?"
"I'll always take a hug."
Colt releases her to let their son take her into his arms. He ends up pulling her off the bed, and she laughs when they collapse onto the ground, Lex using her body to shield Noah from getting hurt. Lucas decides to join in, and Calla wiggles her way from Hailey to join the pile on the floor. For the first time in weeks, Colt hears Lex laugh. Really laugh. Not humorlessly, chuckling, or forced. True laughter.
Looking at Hailey, he lifts an eyebrow. She holds her hands up and shakes her head. "This is so not my thing."
"Suit yourself," he says and joins everyone, tickling Calla and making her squeal with laughter.
"Shouldn't we get going or something?" Hailey asks and leans against the doorframe. She looks at her fingernails as though bored.
"You're just jealous," Lucas says and stands. "You should've joined. It was fun."
She shakes her head. "I'm good. You okay, Lex?"
Sniffling, Lex lets Colt pull her up off the floor. "Are you worried about me? Hailey, are you showing that you care? That's so sweet!"
"I don't... That's not... Whatever," she says and storms away.
"One of these days, she's going to admit she likes us," Lex says and takes Colt's hand. "Let's go. We have a long day ahead of us."