32. Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Two
Griffin's Beach Felicity
T he service was sad but lovely, and they all just returned from the cemetery for the celebration of life. The clubhouse feels far too crowded but too big at the same time. Lane's gone. She's really gone, and it's one more item on the long list of regrets Felicity has.
I should have reached out to her. I should have known something was wrong and been there. At the very least, once I knew, I should've told her how much I'll miss her. That I'll help with Margaret however I'm needed. She will always live on through her daughter, and we'll make sure of it.
"Hey, are you holding up okay?" Ky asks.
Felicity whips around, startled, as he pulls her from her thoughts. "C-can we talk?"
Motioning his head towards the hallway, he gives a small nod and places a hand on the small of her back as they walk towards his apartment she knows like the back of her hand. "Sure."
He moves to sit on the bed, and the moment she shuts the door, she breaks down. "I've made so many mistakes in my life, and Lane is just the most recent one. I'm scared, Ky."
"Scared of what?"
The concern on his face breaks her even further, but mostly because he's holding himself back from comforting her. From taking her into his arms like he normally would when she's upset. She doesn't deserve the kindness he gives her, but she wants more. "I'm scared I can't come back from the terrible things I've done."
"Lex will forgive you."
"This isn't just about Lex. Ky, I need something from you. I know you don't owe me anything, but... please."
Standing, he bends his knees to lower himself as much to eye level as he can with their eight-inch height difference. "I'll do anything for you. What do you need?"
"Tell me about the night with Vicky."
"No," he says and shakes his head while stepping backwards. He stands up to his full height again and avoids her eyes. "I don't want to do that. That's why I never told you. It was the biggest mistake of my life. The worst thing I've ever done."
"Ky—"
"No," he says, his voice stern as he sits back on the bed, his elbows on his knees. He leans forward and shakes his head as he stares at the floor. "Please don't make me do that."
Walking towards him, she cups his face and stands between his knees. She guides his face to look at her, and she almost gasps at the look in his eyes. Fear. There are very few times she's ever seen him scared. It's also the first real physical contact they've had in two months.
"I read about it from her perspective, and I need to know if what she wrote was true. Please, Ky?"
He sighs and looks down, forcing her to drop her hands, but she doesn't step away. "I was in a dark place."
His voice stays low and quiet, and she struggles with the desire at his gravelly voice. Considering the circumstances, she shouldn't want him, but it's been too long since she's been with him. She wants him more than she remembers ever wanting him before, and the fact she wants him while he tells her about the night he lost his virginity to her sister is even more confusing.
"You know how I came to be here. Dad wasn't even there, Mom had been murdered, and Ashley was high before I knew she was even using. We weren't talking, and I needed something to try and take away the pain. I think a few of the guys even poured me shots that night."
"You don't have to justify why you were here," she whispers. "I understand that."
Swallowing, he pauses and takes a long breath in through his nose before slowly blowing it out of his mouth. "Your sister walked into the clubhouse. She'd just started hanging around, and I'm pretty sure she'd been with a few guys. At least the prospects. She sat down next to me at the bar, and we just talked. There was something in how the conversation went that felt like she understood what I was feeling. Then she offered me comfort, and I needed something. Even if it was just a hug, I needed some sort of physical affection. It turned into something more."
All Felicity can do is picture Vicky sitting next to the only man Felicity has ever loved at the bar and leading him to an empty room. It makes her nauseous, and the bile rises into her throat, forcing her to swallow it down. "Did she offer a hug? Or did she offer sex?"
"I don't even remember how exactly it happened. The next thing I knew, we were in a room in the clubhouse, and we were naked. I was too drunk to really put the condom on myself, so she did it. She knew we'd never done it, and she talked me through what to do. I don't remember that much about being with her, but as soon as we were done, I fucking sobered up."
"Did you get sick?"
He nods, but his eyes stay glued to the floor. "Yeah, I did. It was a mistake, and I would've given just about anything to go back and change it. To tell her no and saved myself for you. I hated myself after that. Part of me still hates myself, and I think I look for things I can consider punishment."
Vicky had Ky before Felicity did. She was there for him when Felicity wasn't, and she gave him something Felicity should have. It was her own fault Ky was in the vulnerable state to take advantage of something he never would have otherwise. She wasn't there for him when she should have been. It should have been her, not Vicky.
"I ran to the bathroom and threw up when I realized it was her on my arm. I think Victoria thought it was the alcohol, but it wasn't. It was knowing how I'd betrayed you. We only spoke one time after that, and we were on the same page. At least, until she wrote it down in the diary you read."
"She knew it wasn't the alcohol," Felicity whispers.
"I have to ask you something now. What Lex said... Was it all true?"
Looking to the side and away from the worried expression she knows is directed at her, she nods. "Yes."
"You fucked around at a bachelorette party?"
"I don't know," she says, her eyes burning. "I've never blacked out before, and I didn't think I drank that much. My cousin thinks one of my drinks may have been spiked, but all I know is that I woke up naked and alone. I'm not sure if I undressed myself or if someone else was with me that night. When I woke up, I barely made it to the bathroom in time, and I don't know what— if —anything happened. But when I found out just over three weeks later that I was pregnant, I panicked."
"But Gracie's mine?"
Sniffling, she wipes her eyes and nods. "Yes, she is. She didn't get your height, but she got your broad shoulders. Poor girl."
He laughs. "Yeah, she can't really pull off tank tops. And the gas station guy?"
"You pushed me away because you were mad at Ashley and Colt. You stopped letting me in, and I went out one night. The guy was nice, and we talked. You and I hadn't done that since she came home, and then I went out again. And again. You didn't even notice I'd been gone, which made me want to do something. You just kind of forgot about me."
"But you didn't sleep with him?"
Sniffling again, she wipes her nose with the back of her hand as ladylike as possible, her eyes fixated on the blackout curtains. "No, but I thought about it. Really thought about it, and he mentioned it a few times. Seeing him outside the bar took away the allure. He wasn't worth losing you, and it wasn't just because he was a gas station attendant. Without the bar lights, he was just another guy. I liked having someone listen to me, and I felt like I mattered when I talked to him. He cared. You hadn't done that for a while when I met him."
Letting out a deep breath, Ky stays silent. Felicity finally turns to look at him when she can't take the silence any longer, and the tears in his eyes as he stares at her hurts more than she thought possible.
"You wanted to leave and take the kids away from me?" he asks.
"We were all scared. There was an opportunity to get away and keep our kids safe. We went on the defensive, and someone had a contact who could get us new identities. There was a meeting set up for us to discuss it. I can't say for sure whether or not I would have gone through with it, but I did seriously think about it."
"Lex fought you on it, and you backed down?"
She can't look at him anymore, and she steps back. Her fingers find the ends of her hair, and she focuses on her split ends. "Yes. I got annoyed with her. And when she stood up against us, I just wanted to defy her, honestly. I watched the way Tess kept looking at her like she was the one who could shut it all down, and something in me snapped. We almost came to blows, and she told us we were all stupid."
"You were stupid," he says, anger dripping from each word. "Did you really think that if you left that those who stayed behind wouldn't tell us what happened?"
"We thought we'd get away before you had the chance to stop us. Someone said not even Brock would be able to find us after everything was set up, but Lex made a damn good argument that killed the idea. We couldn't argue with her, which kind of pissed me off more, too."
He snorts and stands, moving towards the door and giving them more space. "What was that?"
Glancing up at him, she notices there's more hurt in his gaze than anger. "That if you can't find us, but someone who knows you recognizes us, there's no way you'd ever know we were in trouble. We'd leave to save our kids and potentially get them killed ourselves. We'd have no one to blame but ourselves."
"That hurts worse than what may have happened at that party or almost having an affair with a guy named Gary," Ky says. "I understand both of those. If you were drugged, I can't hold you accountable for anything that may have happened, and I pushed you towards someone else when I lost myself in anger. But believing I couldn't protect you and the kids hurts the most. You were going to take them away and never let me see them again... That shit cuts deep. I wish you'd just stab me with Eleanor."
She shakes her head. "I followed you until that last part. What the fuck... Stab you with what? Who's Eleanor? And how could I... What?"
The pain slips away as he laughs, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "Psycho's machete."
"Oh, that makes more sense. He does seem like the type to name his weapons."
"Yeah, he does."
"I'm sorry, Ky. I don't know what's happened the last couple of years, but things have felt really off. If that meeting had happened even a year earlier, I would've been right beside Lex, ready to fight everyone who disagreed that it was a stupid idea."
He runs his hand over his face. "Is it me? Did we end up getting married too young? Our timeline was expedited because I knocked you up, but maybe you resent me for not getting to experience life more. You were thrust into the club life and motherhood pretty much right away, and I know you weren't sure it's what you wanted. It's why we broke up right before Mom was killed."
"I think it's me," Felicity admits. "I think there's something broken inside me that I never saw or paid attention to, and it got bigger as time went on. Almost like I felt there was something you were hiding from me, or maybe I suspected it because I had secrets of my own."
"How do we fix what's broken?"
We. Ky wants to fix this together. Tears stream down her face as she walks up and takes his hands. "I think I've already started. Reading Vicky's words helped a lot. I still remember the day she and I stopped being friends, and reading her diaries gave me the chance to know her all over again. To know she was still in there, even when she acted like she hated me, she didn't. Not really. I think she hated herself, honestly, and she projected it onto me and anyone else she wanted. Everything she did was either a way to self-medicate or punish herself, and I didn't help because I never gave her any grace."
"You didn't know what she was going through because she didn't tell you. You couldn't have known."
"I should have tried harder," she whispers. "I just wrote her off."
Pulling her to him, he wraps his arms around her, and she welcomes his comforting embrace. "It's not your fault, Felicity. Nothing that happened with or to Vicky had anything to do with you."
"Ky, I need to ask you one more thing."
"I don't have any other secrets, babe."
She smiles and keeps her cheek pressed against his chest. Depending on his answer to her question, she's not sure she has the guts to look at him. "Do you think you can forgive me? Someday?"
He tenses beneath her, and she holds her breath. "Wait... Me forgive you ?"
Holding back her sob, she nods her head against his chest. "It hurts knowing you lied and kept this secret for so long, but I played a part in it, too. If I'd been there for you, even as just a friend, it likely wouldn't have happened. I wasn't the nicest person to you in the darkest time of your life. That's on me."
"I should have told you, but I was scared you'd leave me after I'd just gotten you back," he says and pulls her away from him to look down into her eyes.
"I might have," she admits and touches the wet mark on his black T-shirt. "Can you forgive me? I haven't been a saint, and I acted like I was. I did terrible things, and I was so cruel."
"I'm the one who needs to be—"
She jumps into his arms, and their lips crash against each other, cutting off the words she doesn't want to hear. When his arms wrap around her and catch her, pressing her chest tightly against his, she remembers exactly why she loves Ky Short. He's always there to catch her.
Even after she threw him out, he came over to tell her about Lane. He convinced her to go to the wedding even though she said no because he knew she'd regret not being there. He treated her with kindness at the wedding, and the day they found out Lane was gone. Today, he approached her to check on how she was holding up. It's time to let all of the anger and resentment go.
"Does this mean I can come home now?" Ky asks, setting her down.
His fingers slowly unzip her dress, and he kisses along her shoulder as he slides it down her arms. The feel of his lips on her skin while his hands slowly undress her sets her ablaze.
She unbuttons his jeans and frees him, taking his hard cock into her hand and shivering as her panties soak through. "I never should have kicked you out. You belong there. With me."
The heat in his eyes as he stares into hers while she slides her hand along his smooth skin has her panting right along with him. "I love you."
Her vision blurs with unshed tears, and he stills her hand on him. Picking her up, he lays her on the bed and untangles himself from the rest of his clothes. He climbs into bed with her and just holds her, his naked body against her underwear clad one. "I'm sorry, Ky."
"Don't cry, Felicity," he says and pulls the blanket up over them.
The bed smells like Ky. This is where he's been staying, and she misses him. Every part of him, and it becomes too much. "I can't help it."
"What can I do?"
"Kiss me."
He does, and everything he feels gets poured into that kiss. Felicity finally understands what Lex talks about when she describes how Colt kisses her. How all the words he can't convey gets communicated in his kiss, and the tears don't stop. She doesn't need them to. She just needs him, and she pushes him onto his back before stripping out of her bra and panties. Straddling him, she keeps her lips on his and helps guide him inside her.
"Fuck," he murmurs against her lips.
"I love you," she whispers and begins riding him.
There's no hurry. Neither feel anxious to cross that finish line quickly and relish the connection between them as their bodies come together as one instead. Sex has always been good between them, but this isn't sex. This is re-establishing their love, and she wants to stay in this moment for as long as possible. It's been too long.