33. Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Three
Griffin's Beach Zane
Z ane can't think straight. They just buried his wife in the cemetery right next to his mother, and Zane has no idea how he even got here. How this became his life. He never planned to become a husband, but he also never planned to have a funeral for his old lady, either. It was always supposed to be him who left this earth first. It's the way the club life works. The men are the ones who live the high-risk lifestyle.
Margaret walks around the building to play with the kids in the back, and Zane stands in the parking lot completely torn. He wants to scoop her up and hold her close while also wanting to just go and crawl into a hole alone.
How the fuck do I do this? How do I raise a daughter alone? Lane was the one who was good with her. I'm supposed to be the fun parent. The one who takes her for ice cream and buys her whatever she wants. Lane raised her. Made sure she got to school on time and did her homework. I'm not equipped for this.
Lex walks up to him in her black dress and swollen eyes, and his despair quickly turns to fury. "I'll never forgive you for this," he spits at her.
The fact she cried over his wife, the woman she let die , pisses him off. And when she nods at him without saying a word, even more fury flows through his veins. These past two months, she's only fought back once when he shouted at her. Other than that, she just sat back and took it. It makes it even more infuriating to be around her when she doesn't push back.
Rather than say a word, she hands him an envelope and walks away. He takes a step towards her, to tell her that whatever she thinks she can give him now is nothing he wants, but his father stops him.
"You should be nicer to her," VP says, stopping him from going inside. "She did a lot for you, son."
"Yeah? Like letting my wife kill herself?"
Sighing, he shakes his head. "Is that really how you see this?"
"It's what fucking happened."
"Do you remember your mother, Zane?"
"Don't you fucking dare bring up Mom now. Not when you brought that whore you cheated with to my wife's funeral."
The look on VP's face shows both strain and restraint. Zane knows he should get smacked for his comment, but his father as at least some compassion for what he's going through right now. Instead, he simply says, "Answer the question."
"Yes, of course, I remember Mom."
"When you think of her, what memories do you see first in your mind?"
"I remember us watching TV in bed with her arm around me."
"While she was stuck in bed from the cancer treatments. She wasn't watching TV with you; she was passed the fuck out because of the medication. That's what Lane wanted to avoid for Margaret. She didn't want that to be what comes to mind when she thinks about her mom."
He chuckles. "Or maybe she realized that if she was in that state, too, I could easily follow in my father's footsteps. If she was passed out all the time, I could go out and find a whore to fuck and knock up with a bastard child like you did. But unlike you, I would never step out on my dying wife. And I sure as hell wouldn't have had a child with someone else while my wife lay there dying. You can pretend it's not your biggest mistake, but I know it is every time I look at Lex."
The blow nearly knocks him on his ass, and Zane stumbles, hitting the side of the building. "At least your anger is aimed at the right person for once. But you need to get off your fucking high horse before you ruin every relationship you have left. Lex did what you weren't strong enough to do. At the end of the day, this is what Lane wanted. Lex just made sure you didn't have control because you're a selfish asshole. Your wife knew you weren't strong enough, so she called in the person who was. Your sister."
"Fuck you."
"You're not really pissed at Lex, Zane. You're pissed at Lane. And you should be. I know what it's like, and I know it feels wrong. But Lane's the one who left you."
His fist connects with his father's eye before he even realizes he's swung, but he still grabs his shirt and stares daggers into his eyes. "Don't you ever fucking talk about my wife again."
Pushing him back, VP straightens himself out. "You heard about the meeting the old ladies had while we were in deep with the Slashers, right?" He waits for Zane's nod. "Well, your wife was on the side wanting to take your kid and leave you."
"Bullshit."
There's no way Lane would leave me. Especially with my daughter.
"It's not. You can ask any old lady about it, but you know who stopped her? Your sister. And Emma. They fought for you and the rest of us wearing the Drifter leather. You're just too ungrateful and selfish to see that you're the problem, Zane. Not Emma. Not Lex. You."
"Or maybe it's you. And I don't believe for one fucking minute Emma would fight for me or anyone else in this club unless she was fucking them. Are you sure yours is the only cock she's sucking?"
His head hits the clubhouse, but it barely registers. Zane's numb with pain at this point, but his father looks ready to murder him. "You get some leeway because it's Lane's funeral, but don't talk about Emma like that ever again. And if you don't believe me, go ask Tess. Or any other woman in there. Autumn and Lane were close. She'll tell you. She, Avery, Lane and Summer wanted to leave us behind because they were scared that we couldn't do our job and protect them."
Shaking his head, Zane pushes his father backwards. There's nothing he can say that will make him believe Lane was ever going to leave him like that.
"You'd rather be angry at the person who's only ever wanted you to like her. At this point, I'm pretty sure she's given up on you ever loving her, but she takes so much from you because you've never been able to direct your feelings at the right people. At the ones who deserve it."
"Whatever."
"If you ever go after your sister again, I'll knock you flat on your fucking ass. And considering her husband is now your President, you might want to shape up. I can only fight so much for you, and you're making it really fucking difficult to want to. You have almost no relationship with anyone else, so figure your shit out, Zane. If not for you, then do it for Margaret."
The fact his brother-in-law is President hasn't escaped Zane. In fact, he knows it's going to create a lot of issues, but he hasn't had the energy to give a shit about it yet.
"You think it's a coincidence that everyone who hates me is now at the head of the fucking table, Dad ?" he snaps, sarcasm dripping from his tone. "You don't have the balls to say or do what you think you should, so you're going to take the easy way out like you always do. Like Emma."
A large hand grips his throat, and Zane almost wishes his father would kill him. It would end his misery. Instead, he squeezes just tight enough to make it uncomfortable. "I'm not going to tell you again to keep her name out of your mouth. But you're the only one who has given those men a reason to hate you. I get you're hurting. I really do. But if you don't shape up soon, you're going to lose this family. And I'm not talking about the club."
"I don't even know who you are anymore," Zane says and pushes VP back. He's free from his father's grip and balls his hands at his side. "You know what? If I'm going to lose this family, then let's just call it a day. You clearly picked your bastard child you had with a whore you fucked while my mother laid dying over your son, so you're as dead to me as everyone else is."
"You're not doing what Mom wanted," Margaret shouts from behind him.
He whips around to face his daughter as VP looks at his granddaughter with pain in his eyes. "Margaret—"
"I won't leave you because I promised Mom I wouldn't, but I don't like who you are anymore, Dad. I love you, but you're so mean to everyone. Mom wanted you to have people, but you pushed them all away."
"Have you eaten anything, sweetie?" VP asks.
When Margaret shakes her head, he shoots his son a look before bringing her into the clubhouse. Zane couldn't find the words to comfort his daughter, and he feels like the world is crashing down around him. With nothing else to do, he pulls the envelope Lex handed him from his pocket and tears it open. His breath hitches as he recognizes the handwriting. Lane.
Baby, I know you're angry. It's how you deal with anything bad, but your anger at Lex will only make things worse for you. Whether you want to hear this or not, Lex has always had your back. First, when she convinced me to stay with you when I struggled with the club. Then, she protected me and our unborn daughter when she took my place and got kidnapped with Ky's kids. Most recently, she stopped me from taking Margaret away and disappearing because I was scared. Lex doesn't want to hurt you, and she's done nothing but try and protect you. She always forgives you, and I think in her own way, she tries whatever she can to earn your love. The hatred you have for her is something I can't understand, and the only time it's waivered was when she returned home after her teenage years. Yet, even though you treat her terribly, she always protects you and me. You need people, baby, and you need to fight your instincts to let your anger get the better of you because it will consume you and cost you everything. You can't afford that right now. I need you to turn your anger where it's deserved. At me. At God. At the universe. But your family does not deserve it. And Margaret sure as hell doesn't deserve a father with so much hatred in his heart that he can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So help me, if you ever turn your anger on her, I will haunt your ass from beyond the grave. There's something that's been broken inside of you since your mom died, and you have to focus on figuring out what that is. Then you need to figure out how to heal it. I've tried for so many years to help you do it, but I'm gone now. You have to finish the work on your own, and I hope you can do it before it's too late. My biggest fear is that you'll do something you can't come back from, and I don't want you to lose everything and everyone you love because you're hell-bent on being mad. Your mom and I left you. Be angry with us. We can take it. Neither of us ever wanted to do that, but we didn't have a choice. Asking Lex to be my POA was a mistake. Not because I regret my decision regarding treatment but because of what it did to your relationship. I wish I had another choice, but the truth is that you're selfish, Zane. I love you with all of my heart, but you'll put your wants and desires ahead of others, and I knew you'd go against my wishes. To do that wouldn't be fair to any of us, and Lex did what I knew you couldn't be strong enough to do. I just hate that I put her in the position I did. I asked Lex to help look after Margaret. Our daughter needs a strong female figure in her life, and I want her to know how much she's loved. Especially by her aunt. Please don't stop Margaret from having Lex there. She needs as many people as possible to get through this. If you listen to anything in his letter, please let it be this plea. You deserve to find happiness and love, baby. I feel like we had that for a while, and you should be free to find it again when you're ready. But you have to fix what you have broken before you can find it. I hate that I helped break you even further, and I'm so sorry. I never want to cause you pain because love you so much it hurts. Please don't grieve forever. I want it to be quick. I want you to find love again, and I want a mother figure for my baby. I'm sorry I did this to you, Zane. I never meant for this to be our ending, but I love you more than the earth, moon, and stars. I'll love you forever and a day, and I'm with you always. In your heart. You just have to open it up in order to find me. Love, Lane
Wiping his tears, Zane shoves the letter back into the envelope and into his pocket. Maybe Lane's right. Maybe he is alienating everyone, but what does everyone expect of him? He just lost the love of his life after watching her fade away quickly in front of him. Anyone thinking he can be angry with his wife—his dead wife—is crazy. Even her. She was sick, and she died. How can he be upset with her over something out of their control? Just like his mom.
The women in his life seem to die on him. Maybe it's best for Margaret to keep her distance. He doesn't know how to push past his anger to be there for her, and he's never been the parent in the family. Lane did that. He doesn't know how to do this without her. There’s a very good chance he can't.