34
Will didn’t feel ready to hear whatever Leah was about to say. He almost changed his mind and told her to wait. He couldn’t do this after all. But he thought about his mom flipping out at him. He thought about the utter hate that she had looked at him with. If there was a reason for that, wouldn’t that make him feel better? “Okay.” He sat forward on the couch, unwilling to relax back into the cushions. Getting comfortable for a talk like this felt wrong. “I’m ready.”
“Will, if you want to wait, you can,” Gabriel said, coming over from the wall, sitting on the coffee table in front of him. “There’s no pressure on you. There’s no reason you have to listen to this before you’re ready to hear it.”
Will offered him a weak smile. He appreciated that Gabriel was trying to protect him from more hurt, but he’d made up his mind. “If we wait until I’m ready, I’ll never find out.”
Leah’s attention was darting between them. Gabriel waited a few seconds, giving Will a chance to change his mind, then squeezed his hand.
Will faced Leah. Her expression was grim, and sad. “I didn’t realise how bad she was until tonight. And neither did her doctor,” she said. “I’m so sorry, Will. If we knew, she wouldn’t have been allowed near you at all.”
Leah’s gaze darted between the two of them again, and she faced her body away from Gabriel, focusing only on him. “She’s bi-polar,” she explained. “She’s always been bipolar, but it’s never affected her like this before. For years she saw someone once a week. She didn’t even need medication for it until the past year.”
Leah paused as Will took that in. Bipolar. He knew it meant that your mood was changeable, but he had no idea that could make someone so…angry. “Is that, um” he tried to figure out what exactly he was trying to ask. “Does it cause people to get that angry?”
“I guess so.” Leah let out a shaky breath. “The doctor said she had an episode. Between the stress of the divorce and worrying about us getting into a car crash—it was too much.”
At that answer, Gabriel’s expression darkened.
Will took notice of that and focused on what Leah had said. He silently corrected the us Leah had used to her . Their mom hadn’t been worried about the both of them. He recalled the last time she’d visited. She’d gotten violent with him then. And even when she still lived in the house, she’d flipped out when he’d come home late. There was no divorce to blame that first time. No car crash either. “That’s not why,” he said.
“What do you mean?” Leah asked. But there was a knowing look about her. Gabriel was watching Will intently.
“It wasn’t because of the divorce or the crash,” Will said. “She lost it because I was there.”
Leah stared at him silently. She looked as though she would deny it, and when she opened her mouth to speak, Gabriel’s voice cut in quietly.
“That’s not the only time she’s attacked you.” Gabriel wasn’t asking. He was making a statement. His face was a storm.
Will nodded.
Gabriel moved next to him on the couch and put his arm around him. Will would have leaned into him, but Leah was there. It seemed she was no longer bothered by Gabriel’s presence. She was too busy being horrified by what he’d just admitted.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Gabriel’s voice was so low, and the question Will heard in it was: Why didn’t you tell me?
Will turned his gaze to the punching bag. He stared at the worn down One Direction sticker on it and focused on that when he answered. “I haven’t really had anyone to talk to. And even if I did,” he pressed his leg against Gabriel’s, “it’s not exactly something I wanted to bring up, or even knew how to bring up.” Gabriel pressed tighter against Will. Will closed his eyes to fight off the need to sink against him. He let out a long exhale. “And Dad didn’t make a big deal out of it—”
“WHAT?”
Will jumped, his eyes flashing open.
Leah was on her feet, her eyes blazing in fury. “Dad knew?” she demanded. “He saw that, and he didn’t tell anyone? He didn’t do anything about it? Jesus Christ, I’m going to—”
“Leah,” Gabriel interrupted.
Leah followed his gaze to Will and stopped herself. She sat on the coffee table directly in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that.” She reached for his hands.
Will’s heart was racing like crazy. He was too high-strung, and every little thing had him jumpy. “It’s okay.”
“None of this is okay.” Leah squeezed his hands tightly. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. I wanted to support Mom, but it wasn’t fair to leave you alone with Dad. Not when I know what he’s like.”
Will stared at his sisters' hands in his. Smaller. Softer. There were no callouses or marks from sports. Physically, he was stronger. But mentally? Emotionally? He didn’t come close to Leah. He knew if she’d been put into his situation, she wouldn’t have needed anyone. She would have put her head down and gotten through it independently. She would have dealt with whatever got thrown her way. Will could never deal with difficult times. He couldn’t when he was smaller, and he couldn’t now when he was an adult.
“Why does she hate me?”
Gabriel tensed. “You’re not the one at fault here.”
“Yeah. It’s not my fault. Fine.” Will kept staring at his hands. “Why does she hate me?”
“She hates Dad,” Leah answered. “But she loves you, Will.”
Will lifted his head to stare at Leah, because surely that was a joke.
“And I think seeing you go out drinking and partying terrified her,” Leah continued. “She thought you’d end up like him. And I don’t know what happened inside her head, but this last summer she’d get so angry if you weren’t in the house.” Her voice dropped lower. “And I think I blamed you a little for what was happening to her. It wasn’t fair. It’s nobody’s fault, but you wouldn’t even have to be in the room to set her off on an angry rant. I don’t know. I guess you’re a trigger of some sort.”
“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Gabriel said after she finished.
“Yeah,” Will agreed.
“And one thing,” Gabriel said, giving Leah yet another angry look, because his expression had been getting worse and angrier every time she’d spoken. “Bipolar or not, she hit him. And she’s been hitting him. And there’s no excuse for that, ever. And people don’t suddenly become violent like that. It’s either in them or it’s not.”
Leah’s expression was livid. “She’s sick—”
“She never hit you, did she? And I’d bet my life on it she never tried to hit your dad either. But she’d hit Will. And she’d single him out because she thought she’d get away with it if it was him because she knew he wouldn’t know what to do about it, and that there was nobody in the house present enough to even notice —”
“You shut your goddamn mouth!” Leah leapt to her feet. “If she was some monster who’d hit him just because she wanted to, would she have done that at the hospital? In front of all those people?”
“Why wouldn’t she?” Gabriel challenged. “Far as I can see, you’re doing a brilliant job excusing her actions, and you’ve got her doctor to say the same.”
“ It’s not any of your business anyway ,” Leah roared.
Will pulled away because now Gabriel was standing up, glaring at Leah, but even though he was bigger, she was glaring right back at him.
“ It is my business ,” he shouted back.
“ Why? ”
“ Because you’re blaming Will for it .”
Leah stammered, surprised. “I-I’m not blaming Will.”
“Saying that she got sick because Will reminded her of his dad, saying she got violent because Will was a trigger, saying she couldn’t help herself because Will existed at all!” Gabriel stopped, his shoulders heaving. He turned, looking down to where Will had caught his wrist, squeezing it. Gabriel seemed to understand that Will wanted him to stop. That it was too much.
“I think she gets it,” Will said.
“Do you ?” Gabriel asked seriously.
Will thought he did. And he thought that maybe Gabriel might have blamed himself for what happened to him as a kid because he was so sure that was what Will was doing.
Leah looked shellshocked.
Will pulled away from both of them and bent over. He felt nauseous. But at the same time, relieved. Like there was somehow light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope that things would be different now that everything was out in the open.
“Are you going to be sick?” Leah asked gently.
Will nodded.
They led him to the bathroom, and when the moment came, it hurt. A lot. Worse than when he’d been crying. His chest ached from the effort of heaving, and his vision went dark for a few painful moments. Gabriel handed him a glass of water and Leah knelt with him, rubbing his back. “Would you mind driving us to the house?” she asked Gabriel.
Gabriel looked reluctant, and Will was too, but what convincing reason was there for Will to stay over? Gabriel was just his tutor, and Leah’s friend—though perhaps they weren’t friends after that display. To anyone else, they weren’t anything. And it had to stay that way. “I don’t think I’d manage the walk,” Will said, hoping that Gabriel would catch on that it was okay.
“Alright,” Gabriel sighed. “I’ll drive.”
At home, the scent of beer greeted them. Dad was passed out in front of the TV. They went up to his room, and Leah insisted he lie down straight away.
“Is that Gabriel’s shirt?” she asked.
Will nodded. There was no point in lying about that. It was obviously massive on him. And there was a chance she could have seen Gabriel wearing it before. “He wanted to check my chest. It was easier to fit back into this one,” he answered casually. “I’ll return it.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you didn’t.” Leah sat on the edge of the bed. “He looked ready to hand over the keys to his car if you asked.”
Will got uncomfortable. He didn’t trust himself to deflect her without arousing her suspicions—which were apparently already raised. “If you want to give out about Gabriel getting mad at you, can we do it in the morning?”
“I’m not—” Leah caught herself and let out a huff. “Okay. That isn’t important right now. I just hadn’t realised you two were friends.”
“And how would you have realised that when you don’t live here?” Will asked.
Leah’s lips pressed together.
Will scolded himself. Getting defensive was a bad move. He rolled over and nudged her. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired.”
Leah shook her head. “No, I deserved that one. Before you go to sleep, I want to let you know I’ve decided to stay here for now. For over Christmas at least. I’ll have college to go back to when the break is over, but we can think about that later. But I’m back. And don’t worry about anything. I’m going to take care of it.”
Will wondered what part of their situation could be taken care of. If he was a trigger for their mom, what could she do about it? And no amount of pestering had ever gotten Dad to stop drinking or take care of himself. Mom had pulled out all the stops on him to no avail. What difference would a few scolding words from Leah make?
If Leah saw his doubt, she didn’t comment on it.
“Get some sleep.” She bent down and kissed his forehead, something she’d never done before. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Will whispered.
He waited until he heard Leah close the door to her room before slipping out of bed and retrieving his phone from the desk. There were a few texts waiting—but he ignored the others and opened Gabriel’s.
Gabriel: If you need me, I’ll be right over.
Will lay on his back and stared at his ceiling and thought about it before he replied.
Will: Thank you for tonight. I don’t know what would have happened if you weren’t there.
Gabriel: I’m so sorry you had to go through that. It isn’t fair at all.
Will: Can I see you tomorrow?
Gabriel: Whether you want to or not.
Will: And can we talk?
Gabriel: Yes.
Will: Forever?
Gabriel’s replies had all been instantaneous, but now there was a pause. Will didn’t follow up with a text to change the meaning. Will knew, instinctively, that they had crossed a bridge tonight. Everything had been laid bare, and Gabriel hadn’t shied away from him. He’d done the opposite. He’d embraced him. Kissed him.
Gabriel: Are you sure?
Will: 100%
Gabriel: Me too. 110%.