7. Duke
SEVEN
DUKE
I bit my lip and folded the letter. My last will and testament. Version 5.0, or something.
It was impossible not to have one when death had knocked on my door one too many times. Maybe I hadn’t had anything to pass down the first couple of times, but I was old enough now. I had built some semblance of a life.
I should have known it had been built on dominoes, and at some point, they would all come down, one by one.
Max watched me as I put the letter back in its envelope and into the drawer.
If only I’d found out before discovering what I had about this place. About my home. But now all I could hope for was that Azrael could help me resolve everything so that when this place passed down to my sister, she wouldn’t have to be an accomplice to a criminal.
“Stop staring at me, Max. I’m doing what I have to do.”
My dog wasn’t fazed by my reprimand, and to be honest, I didn’t want him to stop staring. I didn’t want him to stop paying attention to me. He was the only one I had in my life. The only one who didn’t judge me, look down on me, or pity me.
I tried writing the letters. Letters I’d written before but were now too out of date to be any good. I thought starting with Penny would be easiest. But my hand started shaking, my eyes leaking, and I couldn’t find the strength.
If Penny’s letter was hard, I wasn’t even going to try my parents’. That would break me. Like I’d broken them all those years ago. Putting them through an endless hell that had aged them well before their time.
I sat at my desk in my room, staring at the paper, staring at my hand, willing it to work, to take action. What would happen to Max? What would happen to all of them? Penny was great, but…she had a life. Would she leave that life behind to take care of my legacy?
“Agh, why this? Why now?” I dropped my head on the wooden surface and felt the pain reverberate through me even though it wasn’t much to start with.
You probably hate seeing this pathetic, vulnerable side of me, but hey, you should feel special. I don’t show it to just anyone.
But the truth was, I’d had enough of bumming people out. When your entire adolescence consisted of doctors poking at you, running you through big-ass machines, and funneling poison into your body to fight the poison it had created, was it any wonder I didn’t want to make people miserable? Especially the ones in my life like my sister, who’d been too young and innocent to see me fall apart time and time again, and my mom and dad, who had witnessed their kid going through a battle they couldn’t fight for him.
A knock on my door made me jump out of my self-induced wallowing, and I straightened.
“Yes?”
“Duke? A-are you awake?” Azrael’s voice came from the other side, and I felt my chest tighten further.
Poor guy. No one could have warned him what he was signing up for. Maybe I should tell him. Warn him. Give him a way out.
But if I did that, I’d doom Penny and anyone who stepped foot in this place.
Only I knew the truth about the sanctuary. What would my sister and friends think if they found out how badly I’d fucked up? How much danger I put them in every time they visited to have their pet examined?
I’ve screwed up. I’ve screwed up bad. How could I have been so stupid?
Don’t answer that. I don’t need to add to the voices already haunting my mind.
“Yeah,” I answered and walked up to open the door.
He greeted me with a huge smile and a cup of coffee.
Fuck.
It was quite funny how my world was falling apart, yet he and others could be none the wiser. Of course I preferred it that way. I didn’t need to sully their happiness with my misery.
And how could I live with myself if I made that gorgeous smile on him disappear?
“Good morning,” he said, passing me the cup of coffee.
“Oh.” I took the mug. It was still hot, and I used it to warm my hand. “You’re up early.”
“I felt guilty for oversleeping yesterday, so I wanted to make up for it. And I also want to be useful today, so…get dressed and show me everything.”
“Everything?” I smirked.
Yeah, I could be dying, but my head was still a gutter. Sue me.
And if you have no idea where my thoughts may have taken me when he mentioned everything, then you’re innocent. Try not to lose it because there’s only sin on the other side.
“All. Of. It,” Azrael replied, and how could I not think of naughty things when he encouraged me with those words, those lips, that cheeky smile.
“Fine.” I sighed and marched out of the room. I was already dressed. If Azrael wanted me to show him my world, I would do it. “Problem?” I asked him a few minutes later when we were in the cattery-adjacent room.
“Nope. No problem…at all,” he started but coughed midway.
It sure was pungent in here in the mornings, but someone had to do the dirty jobs, and there were far dirtier ones than cleaning up the kitty litter.
“Are you sure?” I asked him and started spot-picking and emptying into a bigger trash bag.
“Why does it smell so bad?”
I laughed.
“Oh dear. If you think this smells, I can’t wait to see what you do when we have horses to clean up after.”
“It’s so strong.” He coughed again.
I couldn’t blame him. The ammonia scent was intense this morning, but taking care of animals was more than just playing with them and giving them medicine. And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to see if I could crack that smile.
Turned out, I couldn’t. Because Azrael helped me change litter trays with a grin on his face—and a clip on his nose.
After I’d tortured him enough, I rewarded him with a visit to the cattery.
“That’s a lot of black cats,” he said, rubbing one’s belly for a moment before the cat started using him to sharpen its claws.
Not that he was deterred. He gave as good as he got.
“Yeah, unfortunately, some people still live in medieval times and think black cats are the devil or some bullshit.”
“What? That sucks!” He glared at me with disbelief, and the black cat he was playing with, Totoro, bit his finger. “Okay, you may be the devil!” He hissed and pointed at Totoro.
“Hey, he’s just a son of a bitch,” I defended my little void kitty.
“Yeah, I can see that.” He laughed and played with Totoro a bit more before the other cats started approaching.
It was like he had the Midas touch, only the cat equivalent. Any cat he touched turned to putty for him, and who could blame them. So would I if I got the chance.
If…
Yeah, I’d die with those ifs.
I’d die never having felt the touch of a man, any man.
Perhaps it was time to do something about that, but what?
I mulled it over while we fed the cats and went back inside. The volunteers would arrive soon, and they could help with the dogs. I wrote down a list of jobs for him to do around the examination room and out on the farm, and he got busy while I went over my appointments for the day so I knew what to expect.
Maybe I should just ask someone, but who?
Most of my friends were in relationships, and the ones who weren’t, I didn’t want to ruin friendships by making them pity-fuck me. I still went through my contacts, although it was fruitless.
I didn’t have the balls to ask anyone I knew.
Which left me with strangers.
Yeah, it might be easier to ask someone I didn’t know. It wouldn’t affect our relationship, professional or personal, and I could hide the real reason I wanted to lose it now.
I looked behind me at the office door, but Azrael must still be stocking vaccinations because it was eerily quiet in the examination room.
I found the app that had stayed untouched on my phone since I’d downloaded it, God knew when. I tapped the little guy icon that took me to my Cinderfella profile and tapped the new post button.
Right.
What the fuck do I even post?
Need a guy to fuck me?
I would get a bunch of creeps who wouldn’t give a shit about anything other than busting their nut.
Should I say I was a virgin?
It would only add to the weirdos with a fetish for taking someone’s virginity or something.
God, how pathetic was I? Twenty-seven years old and I couldn’t even ask for what I wanted on an app made for this stuff.
Okay, Duke. Breathe. Just ask for what you need. If you get unwanted attention, you can always delete the profile and make a new one.
I could do this. I could. I just had to write it. It didn’t mean I had to post it, and certainly not without editing it first.
Yeah.
I didn’t have to post it.
It’s high time I get rid of it, so I’m looking for someone gentle and patient to take my virginity. Serious offers only. I’m not asking for a boyfriend or anything serious. Just someone who can show me what I’ve been missing out on.
“I hope you’re hungry!” My heart almost jumped out of my chest.
And, of course, my phone slipped right out of my grip.
For crying out loud, how the hell did he sneak up on me, and could I have acted any guiltier?
“Shit. Sorry,” he said and set the tray on my desk filled with invoices and paperwork in desperate need of filing. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Azrael looked genuinely concerned.
“I…I’m okay. It’s okay. You just startled me, that’s all.” I reassured him.
He glanced at the floor, and my eyes popped.
Shit. No.
But it was too late. He’d already bent down and had it in his hand before I could object, and if there was ever a time for a heart attack, that would be now.
He turned his hand and glanced at the screen as he passed it to me. He paused and grimaced.
“You-you’re still a virgin?”
Correction.
Now would be the perfect time for a heart attack. Was I asking for too much? Maybe the earth could open up and swallow me.
No?
Fine.
“Um…yeah,” I answered and snatched the phone out of his hand.
It wasn’t my fault he’d read it. It was his. What business did he have reading other people’s phones?
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to…I just…I wouldn’t have thought…”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
His eyes went wide, and he shook his head.
“Nothing. I didn’t mean anything by it. Sorry. Not my business, I know. Anyway, sorry for the interruption. Enjoy your meal. If you’re still hungry. I’m sorry. I should have asked if you wanted anything. I assumed you would want something to eat.”
Way to make things awkward. Well done, Duke. Great fucking job.
“I am. Th-thank you,” I told him, reaching for the tray when the thing I wanted to do the most was become one with the floor, disappear into it never to be seen again.
It wasn’t his fault. He was just a nice guy. I was the one who decided to write a personal ad during work hours. I should have known better. I was the idiot in this. Not Azrael.
Azrael nodded, gave a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and turned toward the door.
I looked at the contents of the tray and felt even worse. Fuck my life. He’d even made me fresh pancakes, and last I checked, I didn’t have any of the ingredients to make them, save for the fresh chicken eggs.
I opened my mouth to thank him.
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s right,” he said.
“Huh?” I asked instead of what I was supposed to and turned to look at him.
“The…the ad. I know it’s none of my business, but if you’ve stayed a virgin all this time, you shouldn’t just offer it up on a dating up like it’s not precious because, clearly, it is to you.”
I…I didn’t know what to say. I was shocked Azrael was still talking about it, surprised by what he’d said, and more embarrassed than ever.
“Yeah, I…it’s…”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s your life, and I don’t even know you, but…your first time should be with someone you love or, at the very least, trust, even if it takes time.”
Someone I love. Huh. I gave up on that a long time ago.
“Yeah, well, some of us don’t have that luxury.”
Azrael paused and cocked his head.
“Wh-what is that supposed to mean?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
Azrael didn’t relent though. If anything, he narrowed his eyes and watched me closer.
“Duke? What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I repeated. “Honestly, just…don’t.”
“Come on, Duke. It’s clear something’s wrong.”
God. Why wouldn’t he drop it? Why did he care? Why couldn’t he just shut up and leave me alone?
“Azrael, please.”
“I know you don’t know me, but you can talk to me. Whatever it is. I don’t mind. Really. I’m a great?—”
“For fuck’s sake, Azrael. I’m dying, all right? I don’t have time to wait for Mr. Right because I might be dead soon.”
His frown deepened and he raised his hand to grab mine.
“You’re what?”
Why the hell did I open my mouth? Why would I tell him that? I wasn’t supposed to burden anyone with it. I wasn’t supposed to reveal that to anyone.
“Fuck,” I said aloud before I realized.
Azrael’s stare bore into my eyes, making it impossible to look anywhere but at him.
“I’ve got cancer. Lymphoma. I had it before, and I have it again. Happy?”
I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t know how else to stop this. How to prevent the pity soon to follow. The whispers of remorse. The empathetic slow blinks. The pursed lips.
“Happy? No, Duke. Of course I’m not happy,” he replied. “Shit. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t,” I told him.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t start with the apologies and the words of encouragement. I can’t do that. Not again.”
Azrael nodded as if he understood, but he didn’t. No one could. Unless they’d been through it.
“I won’t then. But I’m here. Whatever you need. Okay? When you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”
I nodded. I didn’t think I could utter a thank you at that moment. I just wanted this to be over. To move on. To pretend like it had never happened.
He let go of me and started walking out of the room. I turned my chair and returned to my previous task before I’d been interrupted.
“Don’t post that,” he said after I thought I was alone again.
“What?” I asked and looked back to find him standing by my office door still.
“Don’t post that. I’ll do it.”
“Excuse me?” My jaw dropped before I could stop it.
What the fuck did he mean he’d do it? Do who? Me?
“I’ll do it. Take your virginity. If you want.”
“But you’re straight. Aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“The offer doesn’t sound very straight to me.”
Was this really happening? Or had I slipped into one of my porn fantasies again…
“I know. I just…I would hate for someone you don’t know to take advantage of you.”
“And you won’t?”
This had to be a dream. This couldn’t be happening.
“No. I’d just be helping you, and you can trust me. I’m a man of God. I would never hurt you.”
I grimaced.
“You haven’t studied much history, have you?”
“I’m serious.”
“I can see that. What I can’t see is why you would want to do that.”
He shrugged.
“Because I like you. You’re a good guy. You deserve to be treated right.”
I narrowed my eyes into slits.
“And you’d treat me right?”
“Sure would. And since I’m not gay, you wouldn’t have to worry about me taking advantage of you.”
“How do I know you’re not just saying that, and you’re not a raging top who fucks every boy he sees?”
He opened his mouth and stopped.
“As God is my witness, I promise, I’m not lying.”
“Azrael, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. You’re a fucking hunk, but this is the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard, so with a heavy heart—believe me—I’m going to have to pass.”
“Oh.”
“No thanks. I’ll take my O s somewhere they’ll be appreciated.”
“Okay. Well, I’m here if you change your mind.”
“Duly noted,” I said.
Azrael made finger guns and winked at me with his first shot, which only made me feel better about my decision.
Yeah, letting the straight boy fuck me would be great, but the last thing I needed was to make things awkward around here.
Or more awkward.
Because I may have turned him down, but it didn’t mean I would forget the offer when I was alone in my bed at night.
After all, a straight guy didn’t offer to fuck you every day. The least I could do was honor the fantasy with a good jerk-off.