8. Azrael
EIGHT
AZRAEL
W hat’s wrong with me?
Why would I offer to do that?
Why would I say I’d…sleep with him?
I’m not gay. I’m not interested in guys or experimenting.
I knew why.
Because I felt sorry for him.
Wasn’t that a great reason to offer to sleep with someone you weren’t naturally inclined to?
I had no idea what came over me. No freaking clue. But as soon as Duke said he had cancer and his time was running out…I wanted to help him. I wanted to do something, anything, for him. I wanted to give him something good. Something to remember.
And I’d heard how terrible dating was on those apps. Remi had gone on many tirades over the years, and as weird as it was listening to your brother talk about navigating sex and dating as a gay man, it didn’t mean I hadn’t paid attention.
So, yeah, when I heard he wanted to experience the sweet release of love-making before he died, what was I supposed to do but offer up myself.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t engaged in casual sex before. I was no saint. I wasn’t even that good a Catholic if I listened to what some had to say about my life and my choices. But to offer to have sex with Duke…was a whole other level.
And while the natural thing for any normal human being would be to regret saying it immediately, the truth was, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it. The more I wanted to be of service to the young man. To make sure nothing sullied his only experience with another man, even if I had no experience sleeping with men.
Was I crazy?
It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been called that, but I also hadn’t ever backed down from a challenge, so maybe I was.
“What would you like for lunch?” Jake ducked his head into the examination room upstairs while I was cleaning and decontaminating after a very sick client.
“Oh. Is it lunchtime already?” I asked.
“Sure. Just let me know what you like. I’ll go to town and get something for everyone.”
I threw the wipes in the trash and approached Jake.
“Oh no. Let me. I can get it.”
He raised his hand as if I had offended him by even suggesting it.
“I wouldn’t want to put you out?—”
“Not putting me out at all. I actually haven’t gotten the chance to see the town yet, so it gives me an excuse.” Jake stared at me for a few moments. “I won’t take any detours, and I’ll bring everyone extra food!” I laughed.
Jake succumbed to my demands and gave me everyone else’s order.
As I came out of the room, Duke walked down the hallway with a new client in tow, and I stepped out of his way.
“Is the room ready?” he asked, staring at my chest and not my eyes.
He’d been like that since yesterday. Since I’d…said what I said. Not cold, exactly. More…I guess, reserved. It was like he felt guilty for what had happened when it should be me feeling that. Not that I did.
“It sure is.” I gave him and the young woman with the puppy in her arms a big smile, and he ushered her into his office.
Okay, I did feel a little bit guilty, but…he was dying.
No matter which way I looked at it, I kept coming back to that. No matter how embarrassing, out of character, or berserk this was, that fact trumped everything else.
Jake made his way back downstairs, and I walked out to my car.
It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right. I knew God had his plan for everyone. I was just struggling to see the point of taking away such a young and pure person. Someone so selfless and giving. Someone who, in his effort to keep doing what he was doing for his precious animals, had ended up in trouble.
And out of all the people in this world, he was the one dying.
I truly hoped he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be the first or last person to beat cancer. But…
What if he didn’t?
The endless green fields gave way to houses and paved roads and people. It was so perfectly pretty…and distracting. Like a postcard come to life. In a way, the last few days had gone by in a blur. If it wasn’t getting to know Duke, it was learning the job around the sanctuary and figuring out the mess he’d gotten himself into. In a way, I liked being from the sanctuary. Being able to think clearly, think of something—someone—else.
But then I passed a big shingled building with stained glass windows, and it all came rushing back.
I turned onto the next road, did a U-turn, and found my way back to church. A plaque on the side read St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church of Mayberry Holm . The door was unlocked, as expected. The sweet embrace of reverence and solitude enveloped me and I took a moment to ground myself, to take in my surroundings.
It wasn’t Our Virgin Mary’s Chapel from home, but it didn’t need to be. God resided everywhere, anywhere, and within. And yet, sometimes, I needed this, the peace a place of worship offered. The wisdom.
I looked around for any notice boards, but I found something better. A little modest office with a clergy member inside.
“Hello,” she said, turning her attention from an old gigantic computer monitor to me. “Welcome.”
Her smile was as radiant as her presence. She had short silver hair, dark eyes, and tan skin. But most importantly, she looked kind. Welcoming. Nonjudgmental.
“Hi. I…I’m new to town. I’m Azrael.”
She stood up and extended her hand.
“Beautiful name. I’m Pastor Smith, but you can call me Antonia. Welcome to our beautiful town.”
She gestured toward the seat opposite hers, and I sat down.
“So, Azrael, what brings you to Mayberry Holm?”
“I’m volunteering at Duke’s Sanctuary for a few weeks,” I said. A few weeks. That had been the other thing plaguing me since yesterday. What if I didn’t manage to discover what was happening within the next couple of months? What if I couldn’t protect Duke during his most vulnerable time?
“That’s amazing to hear. Duke and the animals deserve all the help they can get,” she said.
“You know Duke?”
She laughed. “Everyone knows Duke.”
“Ah, right. Small town. Sorry. I forgot.”
“I still haven’t convinced him to pay us a visit, but all in due time.” She smirked and took her glasses off. “What can I help you with, Azrael?”
I looked away from her to the relic of a computer monitor and sighed.
“I was hoping to confess. Or talk. Or…anything.”
The pastor smiled and put her hands together.
“Bless you, my child, for seeking reconciliation with God. Let us begin with a moment of prayer.”
She took me by surprise, but I rushed to join my hands and close my eyes as she guided us through a short prayer before she addressed me.
I really hadn’t expected to be seen so quickly, by a stranger no less. But I definitely needed it.
“I’ve been struggling today,” I admitted.
“With what, my dear Azrael?” Her eyes grew big and attentive, her features soft.
“With His plan? I…I don’t know. It just feels unfair. I…I found out someone is dying. They’re young and full of life, and they’re doing His work even if they’re not aware of it. And just like that, they’re dying and…I guess I can’t understand. I know He has His reasons for everything. I’m struggling to understand the reason for this. So, I’ve had my moments of doubt today. And yesterday. I feel like He’s being unfair. Am I terrible for thinking that?”
Pastor Antonia pursed her lips into a gentle smile and reached for my hands.
“Of course not, Azrael. He never gave us a clear-cut path to follow. He never told us His path would be easy or without its challenges. Questioning Him is part of our journey, and every challenge is meant to bring us closer to Him.”
I nodded.
“But how do I reconcile that knowledge with these feelings of…unfairness? How do I do it without losing my place in His kingdom.”
“I know I’m supposed to tell you God’s plan is infallible and He doesn’t give us anything He doesn’t think we could handle, but I know that wouldn’t help you right now. It wouldn’t sound fair, as you put it. Not when we’re losing someone so close to us.
“Instead, I’ll offer you this. ‘ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong .’”
“2 Corinthians 12:7-10,” I said. “But how is that any better? I’m sorry. That was rude.”
“Not at all.” She shook her head and searched my eyes. “I like to see it as divine strength in human adversity. He didn’t create adversity for us to overcome. He is the guiding light through it. What I mean is, there may not be a grand plan for why your friend is dying.”
“I’m sorry, Pastor, but that doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse.”
“Have you ever thought maybe He brought you into that friend’s path so you can be their guiding light through this moment? Whether to hold their hand until the end or give them the strength required to fight?”
Maybe…maybe she was right. Maybe I hadn’t come into Duke’s life to help him find whatever was wrong with his not-so-silent partner but to help him through this. If so, then what connected me with Duke was far bigger, far greater than a simple job for Wyatt. This was a duty from God.
I nodded. Pins pricked my eyes.
“Thank you, Pastor Smith. That…makes so much sense now.”
“I’m glad I could help, my child. May God grant you pardon and peace and absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
We both made the sign of the cross, and I thanked her again.
“Any time, Azrael. I hope you’ll join us for Sunday services.”
“Oh, most definitely. And I’ll try and drag Duke here with me.”
She laughed.
“As funny as that image would be, I’d rather you didn’t force anyone to join. We’d prefer it if they came of their own accord.”
“But if all else fails…”
She laughed again, and I let out a big breath that released tension from my shoulders I hadn’t realized was there.
“Hey, I may be against coercion, but I’m sure my wife would even give you a hand.”
“A lady after my own heart, then.”
I’d only known the woman for less than two seconds, but it felt like I’d known her for a lifetime. Just like Duke. Maybe there was something in the water around here.
I left the office with more promises to return when I realized.
“You didn’t tell me my penance.”
She tilted her head and grinned.
“Azrael, my child. We’re Lutheran. We don’t deliver penance. Only guidance. But if you need something to help you keep focused…then don’t give up on your friend. Even when they do.”
“I…I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all any of us can do.”
And wasn’t that the truth.
I left the church more determined than ever to help Duke. I wasn’t sure what Pastor Antonia would say if I told her I’d be helping him by sleeping with him, but some things were good to stay between God and me.
Besides, Duke would need a lot more if he was going to fight the heck out of his cancer. And I would do my best to help him if he let me, and even if he didn’t.
After all, I had two months, more or less, here. I had to make the time count.
I returned to my car and checked the note with everyone’s order. I was already late with lunch. I didn’t want to be eaten alive upon my return.
I resumed my GPS trip to the Happy Witch Café and was soon outside a bakery that may as well have come out of a Roald Dahl story. A yellow-brick building with a red chimney and big windows with climbing ivy all around them. The vanilla and cinnamon aromas reached me before I stepped inside. It was like a magical place. I almost felt sinful walking in.
It was buzzing with life, but it didn’t take long to get to the front of the line and place my order.
As I waited, a young woman asked for her usual from the lady at the counter, an older woman with short red hair and bright-blue eyes. If I believed in witches, I’d definitely peg her for one, but those were just superstitions.
“I’ll have it ready as soon as I’m done with the gentleman’s order.” She pointed at me.
The young woman turned and grimaced.
“I haven’t seen you around before,” she said.
“Do you know everyone in town?”
She shrugged. “More or less.”
“Well, in that case, I come in peace. I mean no harm.”
She laughed, and so did the lady at the counter.
“Look, Lilian, we got a new comedian in Mayberry,” the young woman said to the red-haired lady.
“So I see,” Lilian answered with a mischievous smile.
“What brings you to our humble little island?” the young woman asked.
“A little bit of work.”
“Only a little bit, huh? Lucky.”
“Yeah, I had some free time, so I thought I’d?—”
“Come and work some more? Sure, that sounds normal.”
She was funny. In a way, she reminded me of Duke in female form.
“Here you go, young man,” Lilian said, passing me a paper bag filled to the brim with goods. “Oh, and here’s something extra for you.”
She passed me a greaseproof bag with a brownie inside.
“Oh. How much?” I started but both Lilian and the young woman shook their heads.
“It’s on the house, young man. Some chocolate courage for the days ahead.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what that meant or what else I could say other than “oh.” But I thanked her nonetheless and made my way out.
The young woman caught up with me as I got to my car.
“That’s her MO, by the way.”
“She’s a criminal?”
The young woman frowned and started laughing.
“No. I meant the freebies. She likes putting a little bit of magic into her baked goods and passes them out like candy to those she thinks need it.”
I chuckled.
“I don’t believe in magic.”
She shrugged.
“Hey, I didn’t either until I heard the stories.”
“Stories? What kind of stories?”
“Couples meeting after eating her love cakes or winning the lottery after eating her good-luck flapjacks.”
“And I wind up with the chocolate courage? Can I exchange it for a flapjack?” I unlocked the car, and she knocked on my window.
“Where are you headed?”
“Duke’s Sanctuary,” I said.
It was weird having a stranger up in my business, but I guess that was part and parcel of the small-town life.
“Oh, perfect. That’s exactly where I’m going too.”
“You…you are?”
“You bet your ass I am.” She opened the door and joined me in the passenger seat. “I’m Penny.”
“Azrael.” I shook her hand and set off for Duke’s.
“Nice to meet you, Azrael. And what exactly are you doing at Duke’s?”
I laughed.
That was the question of the day, wasn’t it?