10. Azrael
TEN
AZRAEL
P astor Antonia’s words circled around and around in my head the rest of the day. It was impossible not to. And the more I thought about them the more convinced I was that the true reason for me being here was to help Duke through this challenge.
Not his virginity. That wasn’t a challenge. But everything else…
She was right. Duke getting cancer or potentially getting mixed up in a crime syndicate weren’t part of God’s higher plan to test Duke’s strength or whatever. His higher plan was bringing me into his life, and I would give my everything to help him through this difficult time.
That was why, when I returned downstairs, I got to work. I coordinated with the other volunteers and helped with the evening feedings, cleaning, and grooming.
There wasn’t a task on the list I didn’t help with. And when the volunteers departed for the day, I even got in some extra group runs with the dogs that they didn’t usually get in the evenings.
Needless to say, Clover was my shadow every step of the way. This co-dependence he was growing with me was slightly worrying because I had to return to work in two months. There was no room in my life for pets that couldn’t be offloaded to my parents and brother when I was deployed, which was not something I wanted to burden my family with.
“Maybe part of my mission is to find you a home too, little guy.” I scratched his chin after all the dogs were back in their kennels and I’d locked the back door of the house.
Clover looked at me all innocently, clueless as to what I was talking about and licked my wrist as if it was the tastiest snack in the world.
“Are you hungry already or just imprinting?” I laughed and gave the top of his head a scratch before I straightened and headed back upstairs.
I hadn’t seen Duke the rest of the day, so first, I wanted to make sure he was okay, and second, I needed dinner, stat.
When I didn’t find him in the examination room upstairs, I headed for his bedroom when I heard a noise from the depths of the house.
Clover was the first to bolt for the kitchen, and when I stepped through, I found Duke over the stove and Max, who immediately became the object of Clover’s attention.
“Hey!” Duke turned with a wooden spoon in his hand and smiled.
“Hi!”
Duke dipped the spoon in the pot and tried a little red sauce.
“What have you been up to?” he asked.
I told him everything I’d done that day and tried not to be too proud about it all, but considering my minimal contributions the last few days, I couldn’t help myself.
I liked being useful. And I liked being useful for Duke more.
“Gosh. You didn’t have to go all out like that. You must be exhausted.”
I shrugged.
“I’m okay. I’m going to get a bite to eat and then go down to the office to try and make sense of the invoice discrepancies.”
Duke shook his head and reached out for me. His hand wrapped around my wrist, and I felt goosebumps all over my arm.
“You’ve done more than enough for one day. No need to overexert yourself,” he said.
“But I’m okay. Really. I’m used to long hours.”
Duke nodded and pursed his lips.
“Okay. Okay. Food should be ready in five,” he said and pulled back his hand.
The place where he’d touched me felt cold and empty for some reason.
“Oh no. You don’t have to. I’ll be fine with a sandwich or something.”
Duke glared at me.
“I made way too much meat sauce for one person. You’ll be doing me a favor.”
I opened my mouth to refuse again, but the kitchen smelled so nice I couldn’t find it in me. So I took his offer, and before long, we were sitting at the dining table, facing each other, dogs at our feet, and silence between us.
“It smells delicious,” I told him.
“Hope it tastes delicious.” He grimaced.
“I’m sure it does.” I smiled and closed my eyes to pray.
When I opened them again, he was staring at me.
“What?” I asked, already rolling the spaghetti with my fork and ready to wolf down the whole plate.
My question didn’t deter him from staring a little longer, and I took a bite before he said a barely audible “Nothing” and copied me.
As expected, the food was ten out of ten.
“It’s really good,” I told him.
He glanced up at me and, with a blank expression, said: “I’ll do it.”
I narrowed my eyes.
“Do what?” I asked before taking another bite.
“I’ll let you take my virginity.”
One moment, I was fine. The next, I was choking.
“Shit. I’m sorry. Are you okay? I shouldn’t have said anything. You were just kidding, weren’t you? I’m sorry. Let’s forget I ever said anything.”
I only caught some of his monologue in the midst of my coughing fit, but once I managed to dislodge the pasta from wherever it was lodged, Duke picked up his plate and tried to retreat.
“Stop,” I said before I could think. “Come back.”
I didn’t mean to shout orders at him, but the way Duke obeyed them, one would think I had.
But at least he sat back down.
“I wasn’t kidding, and of course, I’m not forgetting anything. I meant it, Duke. I want to be there for you.”
He opened his mouth as if to object, but then he closed it as if he’d changed his mind.
“Okay,” he ended up saying.
“Okay,” I repeated, and we ate the rest of our food in a silence that teetered on uncomfortable.
Had I screwed up by even offering to do this for him? Would this be how we were for the rest of my time here? How was I supposed to help him if he couldn’t even be in the same room with me?
“Your sister’s funny,” I said when we were almost done. It was a desperate attempt to get back the smiley, entertaining Duke. “It must run in the family.”
Duke, who had finished, got up and walked to the sink to rinse his plate.
“Then you haven’t met my parents.” He chuckled, but it wasn’t the same as when he’d teased before.
I opened my mouth to apologize when he set the plate down and turned to face me.
“So…how are we going to do this?”
I stopped and stared at him.
Shoot.
I hadn’t thought that far ahead. How were we going to do this? Would I even be able to perform with a guy? I’d never had sex with a man before. I didn’t know anything other than the obvious stuff. What goes where.
“I…how would you like to do this?” I asked.
He shrugged.
“I have no idea.”
I licked my lips and nodded. “Okay. How about you have a think tonight and make a list or something.”
“A list?”
“Yeah. Of how you’d like your first time to go. The kind of…setting, I suppose. Music, lighting, room. The more you can paint me a picture, the easier it’ll be for me to help you with it.”
“To help?” he asked again. “With the picture?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay. That’s a new one.”
“A new what?” I got up and put my dish in the dishwasher, trying to act normal and not the nervous mess I was inside.
“Euphemism,” he replied, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
“We should coin the term.”
That earned me a smile, which was a success in my book.
“Okay then. I’ll make a list. And I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”
I shot a finger gun at him, feeling silly for doing it for the first time in my life, and swallowed down a sigh.
“You do that. And I…I’ll get back to work. Good night, Duke.” I patted my thigh and called Clover, who jumped across the room to get beside me.
“Good night,” Duke said.
“Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” I offered before retreating to my room.
I had every intention of going down to the office and sorting through invoices, I really did, but I had important research to do.
On gay sex.
What even was my life?
Okay, good news.
Gay porn and gay Reddit had proven more than useful. And what would you know? I’d actually gotten hard during my “research.”
Hopefully, that meant I could perform with Duke.
Even if we never got to the penetration stuff, it’d only be courteous to maintain an erection, right?
That was the other piece of good news I discovered from my research.
It didn’t have to mean…anal. Because while I had no problem going all the way with Duke, I wasn’t sure I was quite ready to have him go all the way with me.
Which made it all the more important to find out what he wanted from this whole thing. So we could be on the same page.
“Anything else?” asked the drugstore employee with the sweetest smile possible when I made my way there the following day to stock up on the necessary supplies.
He eyed the bottles of lube I’d put on the counter and raised an eyebrow at me.
“Um…yeah, I said.
He raised an eyebrow at me and started ringing them up.
“Big party?” he asked, and I held back from facepalming. He bagged up all the bottles and then started with the boxes of condoms. “At least you’re using protection.”
I gave him an awkward smile and stared at the register as if looking at him would give away what I was planning.
“Good boy,” he said and passed me the bag.
If I could have died of embarrassment, I would have right there and then. There wasn’t anything wrong with what I was buying. Just with the quantity. But better safe than sorry.
I returned to the sanctuary after a short trip to the Happy Witch Café, where I got some pastries for Duke and me. He was downstairs, seeing to a large German shepherd.
“You’re all alone?” I asked him.
“The others are outside.”
I nodded and showed him the goods from Lilian. Of course she’d made sure to give me another chocolate courage brownie. This time with a wink. As if she knew what I was up to. Maybe she really was a witch.
“Aw, thanks. I’ll have one as soon as I’m done with this gentleman,” he answered and checked the dog’s ears.
I watched him. How gentle he was. How soothing with every intrusion into the dog’s privacy. Sneaking treats out of his pockets to reward him for being good. And the shepherd gazed at him as if he were the most important person on the planet.
A person who might not be here in the future.
Damn. No need for that, Azrael.
I shook my head and took a deep breath, which earned me a frown.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yup. All good. I…have you had a thought?—”
“Um…yeah. Kind of. Can we not talk about that now?” He bit his lip and turned his back to me, stroking the dog’s back with a little more intensity than before.
“Yeah. Of course. I just…I meant to say it’d be good if you also thought what you want out of it. Just so we both know going in.”
He turned to me with a grimace.
“What I want?”
I nodded.
“Yeah. If you want to give or…receive. Or if you don’t want any…penetration at all.” I whispered the last part just in case there was anyone around.
His cheeks turned red, and he looked away again.
“Oh. Yeah. Um…I’ll…I’ll think about that.”
“Cool. Cool.” I started to walk away when he spoke up.
“I was kinda hoping…for both? Or just to give, if you’re, like, massive. But we don’t have to do any of that. I know you’re straight.”
I paused and gave a silent thanks for the tons of lube I’d bought before I spoke.
“It doesn’t matter what I am. I’m doing this for you, remember?”
He pursed his lips and gave the most discreet nod before I excused myself.
I had more research and experimentation to do.
I wonder if there’s a sex shop around here.
It’d be good to have something to practice with before I let Duke fuck me.
No, really. What is my life?