13. Duke
THIRTEEN
DUKE
“ I t’s okay,” I said for what felt like the millionth time.
“It’s not okay. I’m coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Penny pursed her lips pointedly and stared down at me.
I didn’t know what else I expected from my sister when she found out my cancer was back. Was it bad that I didn’t want her there for the chemo? I didn’t want her to see me like that, to go through that again, to retraumatize herself by seeing me shrivel up into a weakling once more?
It had taken me such a long time to build an image for myself, especially among my family. I wanted them to see me as a strong, healthy person after having gone through hell twice. I wanted them to forget the mess I’d been. The version of me I thought I’d left far behind.
And I didn’t want the image to crumble once again. I may not have long left, but I didn’t want—didn’t need—to drag everyone else with me.
“Fine. But I’m driving.”
“If you say so.”
I wasn’t very particular about driving. Hell, I wasn’t even that good at it, but I wanted to get as much of it out of my system while I could because, soon, I wouldn’t be able to lift my hand, let alone be out on the road.
Penny opened the door and let me go through just as Azrael appeared, followed by his new shadows: the three pygmies, Clover, and Max.
“Oh. Hey,” he said, staring at me.
He’d been staring a lot since…the incident. And who could blame him? It had been the most embarrassing moment of my life, and as with all embarrassing moments, it haunted me when I was asleep and even worse when I was awake.
“Hey,” I said.
“You off, already?”
I nodded.
“Do you need me to drive you there? Or back?”
Penny put her arm around my shoulders.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got him. Right?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. So I did the next best thing and dipped my head in agreement.
I focused on the goats, which had yet to be named, and the dogs, but I could sense his gaze on me like an unbearable heat.
“We…we should get…we’re going to be late,” I said after a tortuous five years.
Or five seconds.
However long it was, it felt longer.
“Good lu—” he started but changed his mind midway. “See you later.”
I just raised my hand to wave at him and spun around, marching out to my car and finding solace inside.
“What was that about?” Penny asked when she got into the passenger seat.
“Nothing.” I turned the ignition on and reversed onto the country road, taking what was bound to become a familiar route.
“Duke Tyler Allen! That wasn’t nothing. That was most definitely something. Something weird, for sure.”
I groaned.
I hated being middle-named. Even if my favorite uncle and previous owner of what was now my sanctuary was named Tyler, I’d never found it fitting for me. Not that I felt like a Duke, but there wasn’t much I could do about that.
“If you say so,” I mumbled.
I already knew she wouldn’t drop it. My sister was persistent, if not downright stubborn. Which was an Allen feature in general, but for some reason, the trait was stronger in her.
“So you’re not going to tell me what the hell that was about?”
“Nope.” I popped the P and kept my eyes on the road.
“Shame,” she sighed. “And I was going to share this banana muffin with you, but since you don’t care?—”
“Stop being cruel and give me that muffin.”
Lilian’s banana muffins were heaven, and I simply couldn’t exist in a car with one without wolfing it down.
“Will not.”
“Oh yes, you will.”
I stretched my hand toward her and moved my fingers, trying to reach for it.
“You want it? Spill it. What happened with Azrael?”
My chest got heavier and my cheeks felt warm without my consent.
“No!” I said.
“Then I’m eating this all by myself.”
“Don’t you dare, Celine!”
Instead of succumbing to my request, she started screaming the lyrics to one of the best songs in the world and making me cry with how off-pitch she was.
“Sacrilege. You’re making a mockery out of Celine.”
“Then she can come and tell it to my face. I’m eating this muffin.”
“No!” Her teeth went down on the heavenly cake, and I swallowed my pride. “Fine! Fine. Don’t eat it. I’ll tell you!”
She smiled.
“I’m listening.”
She put the muffin in my glove compartment, and I huffed. “Give me that.”
“Story first.”
“Do I need to play the cancer card?”
She gasped and shook her head.
“I…honestly…I can’t believe you’d do that, Duke.”
I bit my lip, immediately regretting it.
“I’m sorry.”
Penny shook her head again and looked outside her window, probably suppressing her tears from her asshole brother.
“I didn’t mean it.”
“I know you didn’t, but…”
“But what?”
“But when you say it like that, it’s like you’ve accepted your fate, and I won’t have my big brother give up without a fight.”
I hated that comparison with every fiber of my being, but instead of saying that, I bit my tongue and apologized again.
“I haven’t, okay? I’m not giving up. I…I just…I want that fucking muffin.”
Penny huffed, opened the glove compartment, and threw the muffin in my lap.
“It’s for you, anyway. Lilian made them especially for you. ‘Brawny Banana muffins for that nice boy.’” Penny crossed her arms and continued staring outside her window.
“You told her?”
“Of course I didn’t fucking tell her, Duke. But you know Lilian. She knows things. She can sense these things.”
I groaned. This again.
I hated how susceptible some people were to this kind of hokey. Lilian was a lovely woman and an even better baker, but she wasn’t a witch. There was no magic. No one could make problems magically disappear with a wave of the hand or a magic cake.
“Wait!” I said. “You said them . Does that mean there’s more?”
“Of course there’s more.”
She was still upset. How could I blame her? My joke hadn’t really been a joke. And we were on the way to the clinic for my first chemo. There was nothing funny about any of this.
“I accepted his offer,” I blurted out before I thought twice about it.
“Huh? What offer?”
“What were we just talking about?” I rolled my eyes.
“How much of a dick you are?” Penny offered, and she almost sounded like the Penny I knew.
“Before that,” I said.
Her eyes bulged.
“Azrael! You accepted? Oh my God! Am I sitting next to a whore?”
I laughed.
“I thought whores had sex with multiple people.”
She waved me off. “Yeah, that’s for normal people. You’re not normal.”
“Still not a whore.”
“Hey! Don’t whore-shame. There’s nothing wrong with whores. But do tell. Am I sitting next to a non-virgin, finally?”
“I…” I started but decided it was better to stuff my mouth with the muffin. Not that it stopped Penny from staring at me with anticipation. “I don’t know,” I said when I’d chewed and swallowed.
Just like he did last night !
Oh God! What had I done?
“What do you mean you don’t know? You don’t know what?”
“If I’m a virgin or not.”
“How could you not know?”
I took a deep breath and took the turn into town.
“I’m not clear on what constitutes…non-virginity.”
“Oh God! What happened?” she snorted.
So I told her. Because, of course, I would. She was my sister, but above all, she was my best friend. And we shared everything. The trauma, the tears, and the cock stories. Which I hadn’t had until yesterday.
And I’m not even sure it counts .
“Wow! What are you talking about? Of course it counts,” she said after I was done with the story and my uncertainty over the whole thing.
“But…but I ran off. I was so embarrassed.”
“That has nothing to do with virginity.”
“But…am I still a virgin, or not?”
“Well.” She shrugged. “Traditionally, straight people think penetration is what constitutes losing your virginity. In particular, it’s linked with the breaking of the hymen, which is a load of bullshit…”
“And in the absence of a hymen?”
She tapped her finger on her chin and hummed.
“Well, you get to decide, I think.”
“Then I’m definitely still a virgin.”
She laughed.
“If you say so.” She sighed and rested back in her seat, my fuckery from earlier seemingly forgotten. Just as I liked it. “I can’t believe you ran.”
“What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know? Sit back and return the favor?”
“But…but…I was embarrassed!”
“Jesus, Duke. Are you stupid?” She slapped my head, and I cried.
“Probably, but why?”
The clinic loomed ahead with all the hopes and memories nestled inside. I hated this part. I hated every part of this.
“Of course you finished early. You’re a twenty-seven-year-old cock-hungry virgin. Everyone would have cummed early in his position.” Penny punched my arm with a smirk.
“Ew,” I gagged. “Can you not say cummed, please?”
She glared at me. “So you’re prudish about cum, but telling me your employee sucked your cock isn’t something to be prudish over?”
“Not my employee. Volunteer. But fair point.”
“You’re such a dufus, big brother,” she said and stole my muffin from my lap, biting into it.
“Hey! Leave my Brawny Banana Muffin alone!”
“I need to get you the rest of the batch. You’re going to need it for next time.”
I parked and engaged the handbrake before I turned to my sister.
“I don’t think I should only be allowed muffins during chemo. That’s not fair.”
“I wasn’t talking about chemo.” She smirked and gave me back my cake.
My cheeks heated again.
“There won’t be a next time.”
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. Even if I wanted to and could get over my humiliation, Azrael had clearly been creeped out by it. I’d been sure he’d tell me it was a mistake to make the offer in the first place. And yet, three days later, he still hadn’t. But he would. Soon. I knew it.
“Sure, big brother. Sure.”
“What?” I asked.
She pursed her lips but shook her head, and instead of answering my question, she exited the vehicle and walked around to open my door.
“Are you going to leave me hanging?”
“Why not? You didn’t have a problem leaving Azrael hanging.”
I groaned, but, had I?
Had I left him hanging?
Nah. A guy like that—a straight guy like that—wouldn’t be left hanging by a guy like me.
He hated what we did.
I knew it.
Right? Right ?
I know you’re just a reader, but answer me, goddammit !