14. Azrael
FOURTEEN
AZRAEL
F or the next week, Duke avoided alone time with me. Even when all the volunteers left and we were all alone in the house, he went about like a little mouse. I could hear him but not see him.
And then, of course, halfway through the week, his chemo therapy started, so I saw even less of him because he slept a lot and took regular nap breaks. Penny was there for him. His literal shadow day in and day out, helping out with patients, taking over when needed, and tending to his every need. I felt almost useless that I couldn’t provide those comforts for him, but it was silly of me to think that way. She was his sister. Of course she cared about him and was there for him. If I was going through the same thing, I would want my family there, my brother. Not some stranger.
It was Sunday when I said more than a hello to him. When he told me there was a festival starting tomorrow in town, and he had a booth.
“Do you think you’d like to help? Penny will be there for anything you need. I have to stay here and take care of appointments, but I can pop by on my lunch break.”
I studied his face in the dimly lit kitchen and tried to read it. Tried to understand it, but I didn’t know him well enough to be able to do so successfully.
“Of course. But…are you okay? Can you handle the work here without Penny or… Are you going to be okay?”
I almost asked him about me. If he could be without me, which was a stupid question because he’d gone a whole week without me. Of course he could handle it. It was me who was going stir-crazy, sharing a house with Duke but not seeing or talking to him.
Or kissing him.
Those lips…they still haunted me. I couldn’t help it. And…I didn’t care.
“Yeah. I’m fine. It’s worse during session days, but once it’s done, my body starts feeling better. Not great, but definitely manageable.”
“Session?” I asked. I knew so little about cancer, and even though I’d researched it, I was still far off from understanding how it worked.
“Yeah. Chemo works in cycles. Usually monthly. Mine are bi-weekly because we’re trying to be more aggressive due to my history. I’m treated for three days, that’s when I go to the hospital and they juice me up, then I have a break for fifteen days or so, then back at the hospital for three days and the cycle starts again.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything. Duke slathered cream cheese on bagels and bit his lips.
Max stared at Duke, but Clover jumped at his legs, hoping to catch some crumbs. The quiet was…asphyxiating. Painful. Torturous.
And it was getting worse as I watched him carry his plate out of the room with the dogs on his tail.
“I missed you,” I said because I couldn’t stand it anymore.
He stopped but didn’t turn.
“This past week. I missed…I missed our conversations. Your jokes.”
His shoulders rose and fell before he faced me.
“Me…me too,” he whispered, still unable to look me in the eyes.
“I’m sorry. If I hurt you. I didn’t…”
“Hurt me?” he asked, brows knotting over the bridge of his nose.
“That night. I didn’t mean to go so fast. It scared you…”
His eyes went wide, and he shook his head.
“Um…no. I…sorry,” Duke said and backed away so fast I didn’t get a chance to stop him.
I’d fucked up. I knew I had. He didn’t want me here. So I’d better make myself useful and figure out what was going on with the accounts of this place so I could get out of here. Before…before things got worse for both of us.
The next day, Penny knocked on my door and dragged me outside to go through our four-legged residents and pick the best candidates for the first day of the festival. We picked the friendliest and less scarred dogs and cats, the ones more likely to be adopted, and loaded them in the van with the sanctuary’s logo, along with everything else we needed. Penny had a list.
We drove to the town center, Main Street, just off the coast and the port. It was a cobbled street lined with cherry trees covered in white-and-pink blossoms. The whole street was cordoned off and booths were spread out with dozens of business owners setting up shop. Which was exactly what we did once we parked in our spot next to the booth.
“Wasn’t spring break two weeks ago?” I asked as Penny and I unrolled a big blue carpet across our booth and put up a railing around the perimeter.
“Yeah, but you’re on a small island that makes money from tourism. Of course spring break and the Spring Blossom Festival don’t coincide.” She chuckled.
We finished putting up the secure area for the dogs, took the crates out, and let them have a little sniff and play. Then, we put together the cattery, a little shed-like structure made of plastic that would contain the cats so they could show their personalities and not run off.
By nine, we were all dressed in Sanctuary T-shirts, ready to get people to “adopt, don’t shop,” and make new connections.
The other booths were also ready to start trading, and soon enough, the whole street filled with people from all parts of the world, walking around and getting a taste of everything Mayberry Holm had to offer. As Penny informed me, while other festivals were a little more themed, the Spring Blossom Festival was a more generic excuse to bring tourists to the island and attract them back with the promise of more good times during the rest of the year.
It was a shame I wouldn’t be here for long because the event calendar sounded like lots of fun. I would have loved to check them out. But I hadn’t moved here. I was here on a job. A job with an end date. Before I went back to the real world, back to my world, where there were no pretty boys to lure me onto their lips and into their hearts.
“That’s fantastic. Thank you so much. I will let my brother know to expect you for all the necessary checks, and you can pick this bundle of joy up once they’re complete,” Penny said to a couple from New York who had fallen in love with an affable Border Collie whose owner had given him up because he was “too excitable.” “Oh, speak of the devil.”
I looked up from the dog to find Duke on the back of a red moped with a young, handsome brunet guy with deep-blue eyes.
Who was he? Where had he come from? He couldn’t be a boyfriend because then surely Duke wouldn’t be a virgin, but…people had complicated relationships, so what did I know?
“Hey, how’s it going?” Duke asked, approaching the booth. The dogs went jumpy upon seeing him.
“Great so far,” Penny answered and handed him the clipboard with the adoption interest forms.
“Great. I hope you guys are hungry. I brought food. And bubble tea.”
He turned to me and waved the Bubble Bubble bag in front of me.
“Who was that?” I asked, looking the way of the fleeing moped.
He raised an eyebrow.
“That? That was Enzo. He works at Bubble Bubble and his boyfriend at the Grill down the road. So…two birds, one stone.”
Penny took the bag from Duke, and a weight lifted off my shoulders. At least this Enzo guy had a boyfriend. That must mean nothing was going on between him and Duke. Right?
“Come on, Mr. Reyes. Food will get cold,” Penny called from the little table with flyers. I shook off thoughts of the brunet on the moped and ate my lunch quietly, handing out some of the food to the beggars in the bunch.
By the time I finished, Jake had also dropped by and talked to people about the animals.
“I should head back. I’ve got an appointment in ten minutes,” Duke said. He stood from his chair but immediately lost his balance and flopped back down on it.
I reached out for him, resting my hand on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
He looked up at me, bright-blue eyes boring deep into mine, into my soul, and nodded.
“Stood up too fast. I’m okay.”
He made another, successful, attempt at getting up and announced his departure again, but after what I’d seen, there was no way I was letting him out of sight.
“I’ll take you back,” I said.
“It’s okay. I’ll just call a cab,” he said.
“Pfft, good luck getting a cab in the middle of the festival,” Penny added.
“I’ll drive you back. I’m parked around the corner,” Jake said.
“It’s okay. I’ll take him,” I stated again. I wasn’t trusting anyone else to do the job.
Duke opened his mouth to protest, but Penny chimed in. “That’s cool. I’ll stay here with Jake if you don’t mind.”
Jake smiled and nodded.
He handed me the keys to his car, and I promised to be back soon. Duke and I walked within touching distance but didn’t make contact.
“I’d prefer it if you yelled at me,” I said once we were inside the car and on our way to the sanctuary.
“Wh-why would I yell at you?” he asked, and I could feel his gaze on the side of my face.
“Because clearly I did something wrong, and you hate me. That’s why you’re avoiding me. But…I can’t take it anymore, Duke. I want us to be okay. I want us to be…” I didn’t finish my thought because even I didn’t know what I wanted us to be.
“You…you think I hate you?” I nodded. “I don’t hate you, Azrael. I’m embarrassed. By…what happened.”
I stole a glance at him because I didn’t understand.
“What on earth do you have to be embarrassed about?”
His cheeks went red and he looked down at his legs.
“You know.”
“I really don’t.” I shook my head.
“You know !”
“Duke, I promise, I have no clue what the heck you’re?—”
“I came too fast!” he shouted. “Happy? I’m so embarrassed. I had the opportunity to sleep with, like, the sexiest man alive, and I screwed it up because I’m…because I’m a hopeless virgin.”
His words punched me right in the gut, but it was a good punch, if that was even a thing, because in all my years in the Navy, it hadn’t been. But it was like it released a hefty blast of air. And I laughed.
“Gee. Thanks. Way to dig the knife deeper.”
“I’m sorry. I’m…I didn’t mean to laugh. I just thought I’d done something wrong. That’s why you’ve been avoiding me?”
“Yes! Why else? Not only did I…finish too soon, I didn’t even warn you and…and…”
And I ended up tasting him.
A part of me felt like I could still taste him if I licked the side of my lips, where it had landed. But that wasn’t possible, of course.
“Oh my…Duke, Duke, Duke. You’re a silly man. You don’t have to be embarrassed about that. I didn’t even register that. I thought I’d moved too fast.”
“So…so you don’t care that I…”
“No! Of course not. Who cares about that? It happens. Heck, my first time I finished in two minutes and had to make up for it because she didn’t.”
Duke buried his head in his hands and put his feet up on the seat so he could lean on his knees.
“So…you’re not mad at me?” I asked just to be on the safe side.
He shook his head, still in the same position.
I reveled in that information as we approached the house and I parked. After killing the engine, I turned to him and touched his knee.
“Are you, like, going to look at me? I told you there’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Slowly, Duke raised his head, his skin flushed, and his eyes…they looked so damn sweet, the way they narrowed at me.
“Atta boy,” I said and leaned in.
I only hesitated for a second, a second I took to peer down at him as if his eyes were the way to his soul and then trapped his lips with mine, reacquainting myself with his taste.
It was just as sweet as I remembered. So sweet, so spicy, so scorching hot. It sent shiver after shiver coursing through my body, awakening senses I didn’t know I had as if for the first time and I bit back a groan.
“Why-why did you do that?” he mumbled when I found the strength to peel back from him.
“What do you mean? Because I like you.”
“But you’re straight.”
I laughed.
“Not for you.”
I couldn’t believe I was saying that to someone. That I was saying that to Duke.
“What does that even mean?”
I smiled and brushed my thumb over his pink cheek.
“That I want to do this again. With you.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. What kind of question was that?
“Because I still didn’t do what we set out to do. And because I like you, Duke.”
He shook his head.
“No, you don’t.”
“Then why am I saying I do?”
“Pity?”
I rolled my eyes.
“I don’t pity you, Duke. I like you. And I want to kiss you again.”
He sighed and looked out his window.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why?”
He shook his head.
“Duke?”
“I just think it’s better if we leave it there. It…it’s easier. Simpler.”
I frowned.
“Simpler? I don’t understand.”
“You just said you like me.” He turned to me with tears in his eyes.
I was so confused.
“I do. But what’s wro?—”
“I can’t have you like me. I can’t have you…care about me.”
“Why on earth not?”
“Because!” he shouted.
I reached for him, and he pulled back, avoiding my touch.
“Cancer sucks, Azrael. It really, really sucks. But you know what sucks more?”
I shook my head.
“Losing someone you care about to it. So you see, that’s why I can’t have you care about me. It’s best to quit while we’re ahead and barely know each other.”
“Well, it’s too late for that.”
“No. It’s not. Trust me,” he said and opened the door, getting out of the car and leaving me inside.
The problem was, I didn’t. I didn’t trust him. Because I already cared about him. I cared about him so much. Too much, if that was even a thing.
And I wanted to be there for him. I wanted him .
“I’m glad to hear you’re not struggling so much anymore,” Pastor Antonia said sitting next to me in the pews.
That was an overstatement if I’d heard any. I may not be struggling with the why of Duke’s cancer but I’d found a new thing to rack my brain about and that was my feelings for him and this…situation between us.
“Yeah,” I said. “Your words and guidance helped me immensely.” It was true, after all. It wasn’t as if I was going to share the actual thoughts in my head. Not now. Not yet.
“Well, that’s great Azrael. I hope you continue to pay us a visit. Will I see you in Worship service this Sunday? We missed you last week.”
“I’m sorry. I was…I was helping with Duke’s adoption booth in town. I’ll do my best to come this Sunday.”
Pastor Antonia patted my hand and smiled.
“Don’t worry. I wouldn’t be a good pastor if I chewed your head off when you were busy doing God’s work.”
I thanked her and she studied me for a second or two before she took a deep breath and tilted her head to the side.
“Is everything okay? You look troubled.”
Was it that obvious I wasn’t feeling myself that a stranger could tell?
“I’m…I’m okay,” I said.
“Did you need to confess something?”
I shook my head and she waited for a moment before she patted my hand again.
“Okay, then. I’m here if you change your mind.”
I closed my eyes solemnly, in agreement and she retreated back to her office while I sat there in silence for a minute before I closed my eyes, put my hands together, and took a deep breath.
My life felt like such a whirlwind lately, but I wasn’t going to pray to God about that. I was praying to God about what I usually prayed about these days. Duke. About his health. His recovery. Everything else I would take care of. But this? There was nothing I could do about this but pray and let God and the experts do their job.
“What sin are you Anakning for now?” someone said behind me, and I turned to look at Autumn, who walked up and took a seat in the pew behind me, taking in the church as if she’d never seen one.
“I wasn’t Anakning. I was praying,” I told her and grimaced. “What are you sitting back there for?”
She pursed her lips and looked around her.
“So people don’t think we’re together and become suspicious.”
I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head.
“What people? It’s empty in here. And you think someone wouldn’t suspect us because we’re not sitting next to each other in an empty church?”
She mulled over my words for a moment and then sat down next to me.
“I doubt the people we’re after are men of God,” I told her. “And if they are, they’re certainly not here right now.”
“Okay. Okay. Got it. How have you been settling in?”
I took a deep breath and gave a single nod.
“Very…very well. Duke is…he’s easy to get along with.”
“He’s a sweetheart, isn’t he?”
“Can’t argue with that.”
She stared with narrowed eyes, but all she said was, “Hmm.”
“I’m sorry I haven’t found anything yet. I’ve been trying to transfer every file in the office onto my computer so I can make some order out of the mess without raising suspicion, but it’s a lot more challenging than I thought it’d be. The good thing is Slade is helping me sort through them and find discrepancies. A pattern.”
“That’s good. Right?”
I shrugged.
“It’s slow. And I have to go back in a month.”
The mere thought was killing me. Leaving Mayberry Holm and the sanctuary behind, leaving Duke to return to my life…felt like something ugly. Like betrayal.
Which was nuts because we’d only just met. I couldn’t upend my life for a guy who didn’t even like me.
But he does like you .
He’d said I was the sexiest man alive yesterday. But did he mean it? And did that mean he liked me as a person? It was easy to find someone attractive without caring for their character. My teammates back in Virginia did it all the time if their dating record was anything to go by.
“What’s eating at you?” she asked, and I realized I hadn’t uttered a word in a while.
“Huh? Nothing, no.”
“Seriously? I don’t buy that shit. Oops.” She grabbed her mouth and looked at the ceiling as if God was about to smite her before she continued, “I may not know you from Adam, but something is clearly upsetting you. Did something happen? Something we need to know?”
First Pastor Antonia. Now Autumn. I really wasn’t being very discreet about the turmoil inside me, was I?
“Goodness, I hope not,” I mumbled, and Autumn stared at me harder. “It’s…it’s complicated.”
Autumn rubbed her hands together and cozied up to me.
“I love me some complicated. Speak now or forever hold your peace, or…whatever it is.”
“That’s for weddings.”
“Speak!” She snapped and pressed all her fingers together in the universal signal for speaking.
So I did. Especially since she was so convincing. I said what I’d been afraid to for the past two weeks. Or who was I kidding, since I met Duke.
“When you say ‘you went there,’ where exactly do you mean?” she asked once I told her most of the story. Duke’s diagnosis wasn’t my secret to share. Certainly not my news if it wasn’t.
“I don’t know how else to say it. There .”
“So you bumped uglies?” I shook my head. “Did the hokey-pokey?”
“Autumn!”
“What? You refuse to say what ‘there’ means, so unless you want me to whip out Google Maps so you can point to where he touched you, I don’t see any other way, do you?”
“Does it matter?”
“Oh yes.”
“Why? My problem is that I like him. Why does the rest matter?”
Autumn pursed her lips and tapped her heart.
“It matters to me. For a little secret diary I like to call Queer Love in Mayberry Holm . It’s mainly just smut.”
I choked on nothing, and it was my turn to look up. I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation in a church.
“What am I gonna do?” I collapsed against the back of the front pew and sighed.
“Well, you should keep expressing your interest until he succumbs again. Trust me. He won’t be able to resist you for long.”
“That’s not the point,” I mumbled. “He doesn’t want me to get hurt.”
“Why would you get hurt? I still don’t understand that part of the story.”
I straightened and looked at her solemnly.
“I…I can’t say. It’s not my secret.”
“A little too late to worry about secrets, considering you just told me Duke is a virgin.”
“Fair point. But this…this is bigger. I can’t.”
“Hm…well, without knowing what the hell you’re talking about. Oops.” She grabbed her mouth again. “Anyway, without knowing, all I can deduce is he’s been hurt in the past and is afraid to get hurt again. And hurt people shut people out so they don’t drag people down with them, or so they don’t get even more hurt by them.”
Was that true? Was Duke afraid to get hurt? Who wasn’t when talking about relationships. The fear was always there.
“I don’t think he’s afraid of being hurt. I think he doesn’t want to drag me down, like you said. But the thing is…I want to be dragged down.”
“Oh boy. You really got it bad, don’t you?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know. But that’s what I definitely want to find out. This is so new to me, and I still don’t understand what I’m feeling. But I know I want to explore those feelings with Duke. No one’s— I haven’t felt like this with anyone. Not so fast and definitely not so strong either.”
“Then I think you better tell him. And tell him it’s your choice, and he shouldn’t make it for you.”
She was right. It was my choice.
She was right!
“Thank you, Autumn. I know this isn’t what we met about, but you’ve really helped me.”
Autumn smiled.
“Are you kidding? That’s what I’m here for. Self-appointed Mother of all my Mayberry boys. I’m always here to wave the rainbow flag and open people’s eyes.”
I chuckled.
“Any chance you can open Duke’s?”
“Sure can. When and where.”
I put my hand on her knee and chuckled.
“Thanks, but I think I’d like to try on my own again if that’s okay.”
“Of course.”
A loud thud made us both turn and look as a tall, muscular man entered the church and stood by the wall beside the door, watching us.
“Is that Wozniak?”
Autumn groaned.
“Yes. Stupid Donovan won’t leave me alone.”
I waved at my friend in the distance and raised an eyebrow at Autumn.
“Do you have your own Mayberry boy, Ms. Hawkins?”
“Pfft, please. Me and Donovan? Never. I’m trying to get him his own queer boy, but he won’t convert, for fu…dge sake.”
I glanced between my old teammate and Autumn. I wasn’t wrong when I first met her. There was something about Donovan, but she was too afraid to admit it. I didn’t even know her, and I could tell as much.
“The blind leading the blind, huh?”
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I replied. “I’ve got to go back. Go get my Mayberry boy.”
I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Saying it aloud. Though despite how alien it felt, I wasn’t afraid at all.
Because maybe God didn’t bring me into Duke’s life to help him and take care of him. Maybe He brought him into my life because we were meant to be. And I’d be a fool not to do God’s bidding.