15. Duke
FIFTEEN
DUKE
S aying those words to Azrael…they haunted me, all right?
Could you imagine that? Having to tell the literal hottest man on this planet that he shouldn’t care about you, shouldn’t like you, because it would have dire consequences?
I’d been through that pain. I didn’t need to inflict it on anyone else. It was enough that I was going to make my family go through it. I didn’t need to add insult to injury.
Besides, he’d said it himself. He was straight. I didn’t need to get myself tangled with a straight boy exploring and experimenting with his sexuality. He was religious, anyway. This “phase” was bound to end in catastrophe for both of us.
So it was for the best. We should have never crossed that line and it was in everyone’s best interests if we drew it on the ground again. Not that it made being around him easier, but knowing that, knowing all the reasons I should stay away, made me more resolute.
“She’s a beaut,” I said, stroking her beautiful luscious main, and she leaned into the touch.
“Are you sure you can take her in? It’s just that Dad was the horse guy, and we know nothing about horses. Plus, our jobs keep us away from home constantly.”
I smiled at the man in front of me and reassured him once more.
“Calliope is in good hands. Don’t worry. And you can visit her any time.”
I knew he wouldn’t. None of the family would. It was just something to say to make the moment easier. To ease their guilt. This man’s kids weren’t horse people. They probably never paid attention to their dad’s interest or spent time with him and this gorgeous girl. It was better for everyone involved that she stayed with me. I missed having a horse. Riding them felt like a taste of freedom you couldn’t quite get from anything else in the world.
The man waved goodbye to the horse and exited the barn, leaving me and Calliope alone to bond.
“What the heck are you doing, Duke?” Azrael asked moments later, entering the barn in a storm.
I looked at him, and so did Calliope, with interest more than fear, but I still stroked her mane for good measure.
“What? What did I do?” I asked.
“Why are you here all by yourself? What if something happened to you? What if you collapsed or something? We wouldn’t know.”
He stood by the stall door with his arms crossed, staring at me as if I was made of porcelain. Or china. And there was a bull in here with me.
“I’m fine, Azrael. I told you, the fatigue isn’t so bad.” Yet.
It would get there. I knew it would. Me and chemo had a past. I knew her inside out like I knew my animals.
“You might not be fatigued, but you’re still not a hundred percent. At least tell us if you’re going to disappear. We were worried sick.”
I narrowed my gaze and studied his face. The concern was sweet. It really was. And there was nothing I wouldn’t give to be able to step close to him, put my arms around him, feel his hands on my back. To rest my head on his chest and breathe in sync with him. To feel the warmth he radiated so naturally. But these feelings were what got me in trouble in the first place. They were what had put me in this position. So I couldn’t entertain them. Not even for a second.
“I’m sorry,” I said. It wasn’t what I wanted to say. Not by a long shot. But it was the path of least resistance. It was the path of not dragging everyone else down with me in the pit of cancer. In the abyss of dying. “I’ll try to do that from now on.”
Try being the keyword.
I was used to having my freedom, at least within the confines of the sanctuary. To do what I wanted, when I wanted, and not have to report to others. I had animals with varying needs. The last thing I wanted was to delay answering those needs by having to talk to people about them.
“Thank you.” Azrael released a long breath and his shoulders dropped. He stared at me for a hot second before he turned his attention to the mare next to me. “Who is this?”
“Oh. How rude of me. Azrael, Calliope. Calliope, Azrael.”
“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” he answered with a little bow.
It made me smile. There wasn’t much he did that didn’t make me smile. Which was dangerous. And the very reason why I tried to avoid him as much as possible. Because there was only so much self-control one could practice before they succumbed.
“What’s her story? Is she friendly?”
“The friendliest. Mr. Hodges took great care of her, but unfortunately, he passed away.”
“Awww, poor girl.” He ran a hand along her head, and she sighed. “She’s truly magnificent. I wish I knew how to ride horses, but I’ve never had the chance.”
Watching him interact with animals was always so majestic. It was like he had the touch, which people often told me I had, but I never believed them. Animals just trusted good souls and loved patience and calm. But seeing him being so kind and gentle and watching Calliope respond to it, I could almost believe “the touch” was a thing.
“I can teach you.” I regretted it as soon as I said it. Because why on earth would I offer to do that when I was trying to avoid spending time with him in the first place?
“You can?” His face brightened even more, if that was even possible, and my heart? It did something. It beat some way that made me unable to refuse. To take it back.
“Of course. I can tell you’ll be a natural.”
“Neat!” he exclaimed. “That’s, like, the best birthday present ever.”
I stopped stroking Calliope and looked him in the eyes. Those gorgeous brown eyes I was certain would be my undoing.
“It’s your birthday?”
“Tomorrow. Yeah.”
“What? Why didn’t you say anything? We should celebrate!”
He pursed his lips to the side and looked at the ground.
“I can’t.”
“Huh? Why not?”
He shrugged. “I’m supposed to be here on the DL. I can’t exactly get all my old teammates together and have a party.”
I rolled my eyes and touched his shoulder.
Big mistake.
Big! Mistake!
He looked up at me, drilling down into my very soul, and I almost felt so sorry enough for him to kiss him. But I didn’t. Because I hadn’t completely lost my mind. Yet.
“We can still celebrate. Just you and me.” He smiled. Shit. “And Penny.”
“I’d like that,” he whispered, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand.
I should get an award or something. Not kissing him when my body was reacting so strongly was the hardest thing I’d had to do. Including bitch-slapping cancer twice.
Okay, I was being dramatic, but you get my drift.
The perseverance it took was admirable, but I resisted. I turned my attention to Calliope and got busy brushing and bonding with her while Azrael filled her stall with hay and apples. Then we left her behind, promising to give her some good exercise tomorrow.
The rest of the day went by in a breeze, and I retreated early, as I was doing these days, but this time, it was with a plan.
I put the goats in their beds beside mine and Googled cake recipes until my eyes gave up and I fell asleep.
I woke in pain the next day. And no, it wasn’t thanks to the pygmies headbutting me to demand their breakfast. It was muscle pain, dizziness, and headaches. Dr. Clarke had warned me the symptoms might affect me sooner and for longer, considering my history, but I had hoped they wouldn’t take full effect until at least the second cycle. Lucky me. I got them a month early.
Pain or not, I had a job to do, so I took my painkillers, had my shower, and got on with my day.
I was slower, naturally, and after a certain point, I had to dim the lights in the house and put on my sunglasses to stop the headache. Thankfully, by the time I was done with my day, it was gone, leaving me with just the muscle pain and nausea.
Despite it all, I asked Azrael to help with the evening group run while I got busy making his cake. It was an hour before he was back, by which point the cake was cooling in the fridge, hidden behind water bottles and sauces, and I’d cleared away all the clues to what I’d been up to.
“Ready to celebrate your birthday?” Penny asked when she returned that evening, carrying a paper bag with wine and beer.
Azrael laughed.
“Sure,” he said.
“Happy birthday again, hon!” Penny kissed him, and I bit the inside of my cheek. I didn’t know why. It wasn’t as if he was mine or she was hitting on him.
“Yeah, happy birthday,” I said when they parted and I composed myself.
Azrael frowned.
“What? No kiss from you?”
He and Penny stared at me, and I stared at the floor.
“I’ll go get the corkscrew.”
I returned to the kitchen and used that as my excuse to finish the cake. Seeing as I didn’t know how old he was turning, I filled the cake with candles and lit them before I came out with the cake and the corkscrew in my pocket.
“What took you so lon—” Azrael started when he saw me.
His eyes went wide and Penny grinned. She’d done an excellent job keeping him busy, so the surprise in his expression was genuine. “What is this?”
“It’s cake. People eat it on their birthdays, usually. And usually, they blow out the candles and make a wish?” I didn’t mean to be sarcastic, but it was part and parcel of my personality at this point. I couldn’t help it.
“Oh. And I thought people usually blew other things,” Azrael answered.
“So…” Penny said, trying and failing to hide her laugh. “I guess you’re not hiding it anymore, are you?”
“Hiding what?” Azrael asked.
“What you did to him?” She pointed at me, and I stopped short of putting the cake on the coffee table.
“I never hid it. I just never told you about it.”
Penny narrowed her eyes, and I huffed.
“Can you guys stop being inappropriate and blow?—”
“Blow what?” Azrael smirked.
“These candles!” I grumbled and set it down.
“What? No song?” He pouted.
I glared at him and started singing. Penny joined in and Clover howled. The goats bleated along. An imperfect symphony. A symphony I couldn’t enjoy because I couldn’t have him. I shouldn’t have him.
“Don’t forget to make a wish.” Penny grabbed Clover and held him away from the blaze of the cake, and Azrael smirked.
“I wish…” he started, watching me.
“In your mind,” I reminded him.
He smirked.
“I wish Duke would let me in,” he said and blew out the candles without ever looking away from me.
Why? Why did I have to suffer like that? Who had I hurt? What did I do wrong? Why did I have to put up with such torture? To have a man want me like that and not be able to do anything about it was not fair. Having cancer was not fair. Not fair at all. Then again, if I hadn’t, I’d never have been caught posting about my virginity, and Azrael wouldn’t have offered, and…
“Why won’t he let you in? Are you not using lube, you guys? Always. Use. Lube!” Penny brought me out of my pity party, and I grumbled again.
“Shut up, Pen.”
“No, do go on, Pen. Tell me more about lube.” He smirked.
Fucking bastard.
“I hate you both.”
Penny bit her lip and dug into her purse, retrieving a clear plastic bag and all the relevant paraphernalia.
“Do you? Do you really?” She waved the bag in the air, and Clover tried to get it but didn’t.
I bit my lip.
“Fine. I love you.”
“That’s what I thought,” Penny said.
“Is that what I think it is?” Azrael asked.
“It is.” I snatched the bag from her and hid it behind my back as if that undid the fact that Azrael had seen it. “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. It’s your life. I won’t judge you.” He put his hands up, and I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell from looking at him that he was uncomfortable.
“It’s for the pain,” I said as if I needed to justify it.
“Oh. Okay. Does it help? I mean, I know people smoke it all the time, but does it actually?”
“You’re not a weed man, are you?” Penny asked.
“I’m not a drugs man in general, but I know weed has medicinal properties. Still haven’t tried it. If my parents found out, I’d get an earful.”
Penny pursed her lips.
“That’s fair. We don’t do drugs either. But it helped him last time, so…”
“Hey, you don’t have to feel guilty or anything. Like I said, I’m not judging.”
I sat on the second couch, the one not occupied by Penny and Mr. Perfect, and sighed.
“So…you won’t judge me if I roll one?”
Azrael offered me a sad smile and nodded.
As I took the bag of weed and papers out, Azrael turned his attention to his cake and inspected it.
“Thanks for the cake,” he said.
“I hope it came out good. Didn’t get a chance to try it,” I mumbled.
“You made it?”
I frowned.
Wasn’t it obvious by how scrappy and ridiculous it looked?
I mean, I could bake, but I was shit at decorating.
“Oh, Duke, you shouldn’t have! You’ve been working all day, in pain, and you…you’re amazing.”
I could feel the heat of his gaze on me, but I kept my eyes on my hands. On the task of rolling the joint because I could feel it. I could feel my resolve crumbling, and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t do that to him.
“It was nothing,” I mumbled.
“Nothing? Is your brother for real?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” Penny said. “Why don’t I get plates and silverware so we can dig in?”
She got up and practically ran into the kitchen, the goats following her and Clover following them. In the absence of annoying animals, Max came to lie beside me.
“Hey!” he said.
I looked at him and his eyes? They were like magnets. Magnets I couldn’t turn away from no matter how hard I tried. But try, I must.
“You need to stop, Azrael.”
“Stop what?”
“This. Whatever you think this is. I told you. I…I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
I sighed. Here we go again. Rehashing the same old things.
“You’re not gay, for starters.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I can’t be your experiment.”
“I don’t want you to be my experiment. I would never ask you to be that. I like you, Duke. I like you a lot. I’m not playing around here.”
I shook my head and set the joint on my lap, covering it with my hand in case Max got any funny ideas.
“So, what? You suddenly decide you’re not straight because you sucked a dick once?” Was that harsh? Did I care if it was?
Yes, yes, I did. I may not want to get involved with this man, but I didn’t want to hurt him either.
“No. Duke, no. It started long before that. It started when I first saw you. I just didn’t realize it until…until I kissed you. I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. I want you, Duke. I want to be with you. I want you to give me a chance.”
I shook my head.
“I can’t do that. I told you.”
“Is it because I have to leave in a month? Because I…I won’t. If you want me, I’ll stay. I’ll stay here with you.”
I laughed.
“Please, Azrael. You don’t mean that. You don’t know me. Why would you give up your life for someone you don’t know?”
Azrael knelt on the floor in front of me.
“Because, Duke, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. And if I know anything, it’s that these things don’t happen for no reason. God sent me to you. And I think this is why.”
I rolled my eyes.
“God sent you to me so I can get some D?”
He reached out and grabbed my hand.
“I’m being serious, Duke.”
I laughed again. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair at all. Why did he have to come into my life when I didn’t have much of a life left to live?
“Maybe you are. And that’s what scares me. Because…Azrael, you don’t know what it’s like to care for someone and then lose them to cancer. To anything. You don’t know what it’s like…”
“I’m not going to lose you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. And regardless, it’s not your choice. It’s mine, Duke. I care about you. I like you. I want to be with you.”
“Trust me, Azrael. You don’t want this.”
“Hey!” He tightened his grip on me and my breath came out shakier. “You don’t get to tell me what I want. You know my wish? I meant it, Duke. Please let me in. I want to be here no matter what.”
He didn’t know what he was getting himself in for. He truly didn’t. But I couldn’t resist him anymore. I really, really couldn’t. Down on his knees, begging me to be with him. A straight Catholic boy begging? This couldn’t be real. I must have slipped into porn fantasy territory, but…I didn’t care anymore.
I leaned down and kissed him.
And kissed him and kissed him until my lips were sore, and even then, I didn’t stop.
Might as well take advantage of this before I woke up and discovered he was never real to begin with.
“Oh my God! Finally, you two!” Penny said, and I broke away from him. “My legs went numb waiting for you to kiss.”
She walked back to the couch and set down the plates and silverware with a huge smile.
“You were eavesdropping? Rude!” I said.
“Bitch, please. As if you would have done any different.”
I shrugged. She was right. I would have done the same.
“Now that you’ve got your wish, Azrael, how about a little sin?” Penny asked, and we both grimaced.
“Sin?”
Penny reached across the table and picked up the joint from my lap, twirling it in her fingers.
“Oh, no, I couldn’t.” He shook his head.
“Are you afraid your parents will find out? Because I won’t tell if you won’t.”
Azrael looked from Penny to me and back to Penny, twisting his lips from side to side.
“Don’t listen to her. You don’t have to?—”
“Okay. Light her up,” he said, sitting back down at my feet while Penny reached for the lighter.
“Are you sure?”
He looked up at me and smiled.
“Got to try things at least once. Look what would have happened if I hadn’t tried you.”
I chuckled, shook my head, and waited for Penny to pass the joint to me.
When it was Azrael’s turn, he choked and coughed and beat his chest, trying to clear his lungs. But he was better on the second puff. As was my body. My muscles didn’t feel so sore and my mind wasn’t so preoccupied with death. Or what mine might do to Azrael.
“This cake is freaking awesome!” Azrael said after his third puff.
“Awww, look at him. He can’t even swear when he’s high.” Penny giggled.
“How did you know I love chocolate caramel?” He ignored her and turned to me.
“I have my ways.”
He raised an eyebrow and smiled.
“Mysterious. I like it.”
“Got to keep some of my secrets.”
Said secrets were obtained by stalking his social media for hours to find any relevant information. It was thanks to his brother’s comment three years ago that I’d known what flavor to bake.
“So what’s your deal, Azrael? Why are you here?” Penny asked half an hour later.
“My deal? I’m just here to help.”
“Pftt. Okay. And I’m the Queen of England. What are you really doing here? Who are you?” Her eyes had gone so narrow they were just slits, which only meant she was high as a kite and very, very suspicious of everything.
“I’m just a guy who loves God, music, and good company.”
“Oh my God! Music. The guitar. You play?” I asked, remembering the guitar I’d seen on his first day and never since.
“Sure do. Want me to play for you?”
“For me? Pfft. No. I don’t want you to play for me. Okay, yes. Yes, I do.”
“Anything for you.” He booped my nose and left the room. When he returned, he was carrying his guitar.
I expected him to sit next to Penny, where he had been sitting, but no, he sat by my feet again as if it was the only place in the world he wanted to be. He tuned his guitar while the goats and Clover sniffed and backed away every time he strummed.
“We still haven’t named these disasters, you know.” I pointed at the pygmies.
“Easy.” Azrael shrugged and closed his eyes a second longer than normal. Yep. He was high. “Adam, Eve, and Steve. There.”
I laughed.
“Seriously?”
Instead of answering, he ran his fingers over the strings, and the melody gave me goosebumps.
The animals stared at him from a safe distance, completely mesmerized as a familiar tune filled the room.
And then, he sang, quietly, secretly almost, and I froze on the spot above him, watching him, listening to him, the lyrics to Bruno Mars’s “Locked Out of Heaven” slipping from his lips with such love, artistry, and kindness that they brought tears to my eyes.
It was like he was singing this song just for me.
And you know what?
He probably was.
And in that moment, I realized I was well and truly fucked.
I didn’t know if it was the high, the song, or whatever, but at that moment, I knew. I knew I was in love with him.