16. Azrael
SIXTEEN
AZRAEL
F or the rest of the week, I rode the high of being accepted by Duke. Of him taking a chance on me and allowing me to get close to him. To be with him.
It wasn’t even sexual. I didn’t care about that part. He hadn’t expressed any interest, and I wouldn’t push him on the matter. I just wanted to be with him. In his sphere, hugging him, kissing him, looking after him. And I couldn’t believe he was finally letting me do those things for him.
Other than that, nothing much changed in our lives. We still worked like dogs day in and day out, doing our thing separately most of the time and joining each other in the evenings when it was just us and the animals. I preferred those times. It felt like he and I were the only people in the world, and it was heaven.
I thought I would have found it weird, being in a relationship—if that was even what it was—with a guy, or at the very least a little foreign, yet it was the same where it counted. Same, but better if that was even a thing. I felt like myself around him, something I wasn’t quite sure had been the case in all my relationships before, and not because they were women. I still found women attractive, so I very much doubted I was gay and repressed. Probably bi. But even that part of my identity didn’t matter because all I cared about, all I imagined ever caring about was Duke and Duke only.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked the following Monday.
We were parked in front of the clinic. I’d convinced Duke the previous night to let me take him to his next appointment. To let me be there for him. With him.
“What? Why wouldn’t I be?” I asked, putting my hand on his knee and giving it a light squeeze.
“Because…it’s one thing hugging and kissing and watching movies together. It’s a whole other thing watching someone you barely know get jabbed and prodded.”
He looked at my hand as he spoke, avoiding my gaze as he often did when talking about his condition. I hated that. I hated that he found this part so defeating, so depressing, that he thought it was a part someone else couldn’t handle. Or, as was probably the case in this situation, shouldn’t handle.
“Hey!” I whispered. “I’m here for the good and the ugly, Duke.”
“Did you just call me ugly?” he smirked, but the amusement, the snark, never quite reached his eyes.
“I’m serious, Duke. I want to be here for you.”
“Are…are you sure?” He snuck a fleeting glance at me, and I moved my hand from his knee to his cheek.
His skin was soft and warm. Smooth. And running my fingers over it gave me goosebumps, just like his kisses. I couldn’t quite explain it, but it was exhilarating.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
He closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, and let out a breath before he looked at me with misty eyes.
“Okay. Let’s do this, I guess.”
He got out of the car, and I followed him inside, where we met with Dr. Holly Clarke, who went on to examine Duke, drew his blood, and sent it off to the lab, instructing us to go have something to eat and she’d call us as soon as the results were ready.
We drove up the road to the drive-through Espresso Blues and I gave him an update on my and Slade’s research through his accounts.
“So, there’s definitely something dodgy going on.”
“There sure is, but we can’t figure out what.”
Duke sighed and drank his coffee and soon we got the call from Dr. Clarke and made our way back.
She gave him the all-clear to start this round of chemo, and the nurse let us into the treatment room, where she proceeded to hook Duke up with his cocktail of drugs.
“How are you feeling?” he asked me when the nurse left the room.
“Me? How are you feeling? I’m not the one being drugged.”
He shrugged.
“I’m used to it. Nothing I can do about it.”
I narrowed my eyes and leaned closer, taking his hand in mine.
“You mentioned having gone through this before. Do you want to talk about it?”
He stared at our linked hands and bit his lips.
“Nothing much to say. I was thirteen when I got it the first time. I had this swelling in my groin, but I was too embarrassed to say something because I thought I’d caused it from…you know. Too much alone time, if you get my drift.”
I chuckled and kissed his hand.
“Then started the night sweats, the fever, the weight loss, and more swelling in my neck and armpits. My parents finally dragged me to the doctor, and I was diagnosed within a week. Started chemo pretty fast. Stage two non-Hodgkin lymphoma. My parents were devastated, but I didn’t understand how serious it was at the time. I was pretty numb to the whole thing. But after two rounds of chemo, I was in remission. I was a mess. I’d lost so much weight I looked like a zombie. I was constantly tired and had fallen behind at school. But I thought the worst was behind me, so I picked myself up by the bootstraps and got back on course. Then, of course, it came back two years later. Stage two again. Only that time it…”
He stopped and put his free hand to his chest. Tears formed in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. I wiped them for him.
“That time, what?” I whispered.
“It broke me. That time, it broke me.”
I cupped his face, rubbed my thumb on his cheekbone, and looked him in the eyes.
I hated seeing him like this, all defeated. I wanted to make it go away. Make the pain and all the trauma go away. Be forgotten. Erased. But I knew that wasn’t possible.
“Why? What happened?”
Duke stared at me for a moment that turned to two. More tears ran down his face until he shook his head and turned it away.
“I don’t want to talk about that,” he said. “Sorry.”
I watched the side of his face as if it would offer any answers or a peek into his mind, but naturally, it didn’t.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s okay, Duke.”
I wondered what was so bad about the second time that made talking about it so awful. How much worse could things have gotten? How much worse could it be if he was still here all these years later.
“Hey!” I reached for his chin and turned him back to me. “It’s okay,” I repeated. “You don’t have to tell me. Tell me something else. Tell me about…about your work. How did you decide to be a vet, to open a sanctuary?”
He leaned into my touch and rested his head on the back of the chair, staring at me. His eyes were red, but his lips curved up in a smile.
“I’ve always loved animals. My Uncle Tyler used to own the sanctuary. He had a farm back then. He taught me so much. He taught me how to milk cows and shear sheep. He’s the one who taught me how to ride horses.”
“Which reminds me! You still haven’t taught me.”
Duke laughed and rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, it’s kinda hard right now, you know,” he said sarcastically, eyeing the IV above his head.
I smiled and squeezed his hand.
“Go on,” I said and kissed it. I love kissing him. It brought me closer to him. Like he was my own…my own idol to adore and worship. Which was all kinds of blasphemous but…I couldn’t find it in me to care. It was how I felt.
“Uncle Tyler was the best. He helped my parents pay my medical bills. He would visit me every week, sometimes every day, and bring me a gift. He once got me a hamster and told me I had to make it so I could look after Polly. My mom was not happy I had an animal in my room while my immune system was so weak, but you know what? Polly helped me persevere.”
“He sounds like a great man.”
“He was.” He nodded. “And I miss him so much. He was gay too, you know, and lonely, but he never let that affect his spirit. At least not as far as I was concerned. He was always smiling, always kind, always great company. I found out later on he was going through his own hell. He had AIDS and caught pneumonia. It killed him. Slowly at first, then all at once.”
“Fuck!” I lowered my head and focused on my breathing.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear.”
“Sorry,” I said.
“No. It’s fine. It’s cute.” He smiled. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“What? What for?”
“For throwing all this at you. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
I shook my head and leaned my forehead against his, cupping his face and breathing in his beauty.
“You didn’t. You don’t have to apologize for that. I’m just frustrated you had to go through so much pain before you were even an adult.”
He licked his lips and gave a sad smile that, again, I wished I could wipe away. Wipe all of it away.
“It is what it is.”
“Well, you’ve got me now. And I’m not going anywhere. You hear me. And I won’t let you go anywhere either.”
Duke sighed.
“That’s sweet, but you’re going to regret saying it.”
“Never!”
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
I didn’t answer him. I kissed him instead. He could be strapped with C4 for all I cared. I still wouldn’t go anywhere. Not now. Not ever.
I didn’t know what that meant for my career in the Navy, but the thought of leaving him alone to deal with the sanctuary while going through chemo…I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear it for one second.
I let go of him when the nurse walked in to check on him and his IV. She did it with a smirk on her face, which made me smirk at Duke. He stared at me the whole time, and eventually, he smirked too.
“As you were,” she said, grinning from ear to ear.
We both laughed as soon as we were alone again.
“Doesn’t it bother you?” he asked.
“Doesn’t what bother me?”
He glanced at the door.
“People seeing you. Kiss a man.”
“Why should it?”
“Because, Azrael, up until a week ago, you thought you were straight, and now, all of a sudden, you’re making out with a man. That can be scary for some.”
“First of all, it’s been more than a week at this point.”
It was more like a month by now. Where had all the time gone? I’d probably need to make a decision soon. Let my commander know what I was going to do.
“Second of all, are you kidding me? This isn’t scary. This is, like, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Why would I be scared?”
Duke smiled, and this time, he reached out and stroked my cheek.
“You’re…you’re special, aren’t you? Quite something.”
“Excuse me. Did you just call me special? Are you saying I’m stupid?”
“Yes. Yes, I am. So stupid. For wanting to be with me.”
“We call that smart where I come from.”
“Well then, your people must be very stupid too.”
“Filipinos?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Oh my God, Azrael!” Duke laughed. “No! Californians!”
“Ah. Well, we’re not known for our brains.”
“Oh yeah? What are you known for?”
“I think you know.” I batted my eyelashes and leaned in for another kiss.
He kissed me back, laughing.
An hour in, he started slurring his speech and his blinks lasted longer than normal. I leaned back in my chair and held his hand, watching him fall asleep. He was so pretty even like that, hooked up to horrible life-saving drugs and all wiped out. He looked serene, but I knew he was anything but. He’d gone through so much in his twenty-seven years in this world. More than most people went through in a lifetime. Yet he was still here. Still fighting. Still happy. Still giving his heart and soul to others. To his animals. And that made him the most beautiful person in the world in my eyes.
Yeah, I definitely couldn’t go back and leave him to fight this battle alone. I wouldn’t.
“What are you doing?” he asked me a little while later, and I opened my eyes and looked up.
Duke was staring at my hands, joined together in front of me with a frown.
“What does it look like?” I raised an eyebrow.
“You’re praying.”
“Ding, ding, we have a winner.” I smirked and returned to my prayer.
“Why bother? He never answers, does he?” he said.
I stopped and turned back to him.
“No. He doesn’t. But that’s not the point.”
“Then what’s the point? I thought it was about making wishes come true.”
I smiled and touched him again.
“He’s not a genie or a mail-order wish service. Praying is…praying is guidance, self-reflection. It’s about connecting with a higher power and finding strength and peace.”
Duke nodded.
“So…what were you praying about?”
“I was praying for you. For you to heal.”
“I’m confused. I thought you said He’s not a genie.”
I chuckled.
“He’s not. But there’s nothing wrong with asking for His help and guidance.”
Duke bit his lip and sighed.
“I don’t think I’ll ever understand that.”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to. As long as you respect that part of me.”
“Of course. I don’t think any less of you or anything. I just…I guess I could close my eyes and believe that someone was looking out for me, someone who has my best interests in mind, but after everything that’s happened…I just can’t.”
“That’s understandable. I struggled with my belief when I found out about your cancer.”
“You did?” I nodded. “What did you do?”
“I looked for help and guidance in another. Pastor Antonia helped me see things clearer.”
“Oh. She’s lovely. She keeps trying to convince me to come to a service, but it’s not my thing.”
“That’s fine. She doesn’t think any less of you.”
He nodded, closed his eyes, and kissed his teeth.
“I’m confused about you.”
“What about?”
“You. You say you’re Catholic?—”
“I am.”
“But you’re…” He moved his hands around himself. “Interested in me. And Pastor Antonia is married to a woman. I thought Catholics were against that.”
I leaned on the arm of the chair, placing his hand on my cheek and holding it there.
“Well, I’m not. We’re not all like that. Besides, Pastor Antonia isn’t Catholic.”
Duke grimaced.
“Oh. I get confused about these things. But aren’t you supposed to be? Against it, I mean.”
I shook my head. “Don’t let the bad Christians influence you, Duke. Most of us are accepting. Or, at the very least, tolerant. The haters are the minority.”
Duke grimaced.
“Well, they’re a very vocal minority.”
“Yeah, because they know they’re fighting a losing battle.”
“Hmmm…it doesn’t feel like they’re losing.”
“That’s because they’re vocal.” I chuckled.
Duke rolled his eyes and laughed too.
“That still doesn’t make sense to me, but hey, think you can throw in a prayer to make the bad guys go away and leave my place alone?”
“You still haven’t told me how you got into this mess.”
Duke groaned, closed his eyes, and snored audibly.
“Come on.” I pushed his arm.
“You don’t want to know,” he said, eyes still shut.
“Then why did I ask?”
“Fine. Then I don’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m embarrassed.” He looked at me with a pained expression, and all I could do was stroke him and reassure him.
“You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”
“That’s because you don’t know the whole story.”
“Then tell me.”
It took a couple more tries and a lot of groaning and fake-crying before Duke sat up and said, “It all started two years ago. I’d been running the farm as a sanctuary for a few years, and since I got my work experience, I added veterinary care, but I was still struggling to pay the bills. Donations weren’t enough, my uncle’s inheritance wasn’t anything to write home about, and the vet bills were barely paying for utilities, let alone all the medicine and food needed for the shelter animals.
“Enter Tom Johnson. I got a letter in the mail one day that said he was impressed with my work and would like to help because he knew I was having financial problems. He said he could handle the accounts and leave me to do what I love most. It was a dream come true.”
“Didn’t you suspect anything?” I asked.
“I should have. But I was desperate and drowning in debt, so I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? I couldn’t stand the thought of shutting down and abandoning my animals. What was I going to do with them? Where would they go? I just wanted to make sure they were taken care of. I didn’t care about anything else. So I agreed, and he sent his lawyer to sign the contract. I gave him access to my accounting system, and it’s been peaceful ever since. Until…”
“Until you found the discrepancy.”
He nodded. “See? I told you I was stupid.”
“You weren’t.” I squeezed his hand and looked him straight in the eyes. “You’re not. You’re the sweetest, kindest person I’ve ever met. It’s not your fault someone took advantage of that.”
“Then whose is it?”
“Theirs. And I’m gonna make Tom Johnson and whoever else is behind it pay.”
Duke leaned back on the chair and sighed with a smile.
“Ok, I get it now.”
“Get what?” I asked.
“Praying. Faith,” he replied.
“You do?”
“If there’s no God, how else do you explain me getting my own guardian angel?”
“I’m not an angel. You are. You do so much for others without ever asking for anything in return. I’m just here by your side, sharing your halo.”
Duke shook his head and brought my hand to his lips to plant a soft, tender kiss on it.
“But you’re here, by my side, and sometimes, that’s more than enough. Sometimes, that’s all an angel has to do.”
I didn’t believe that. Not for a moment. I knew I was here to help him. To guide him. To protect him. But an angel, I was not.
I’d never thought angels walked the earth. I’d thought saying that, calling someone an angel, was blasphemous. But then, I met Duke, and I changed my mind. Maybe there were angels on earth. Or an angel. And his name was Duke Allen.