17. Duke
SEVENTEEN
DUKE
H e didn’t look at me differently. I guessed that was something. Even though I still felt stupid for letting the situation come to this. He still held me like I was precious.
It surely would fade, right? It wouldn’t last. It couldn’t. He had his whole life ahead of him, and I…well, didn’t. His family was in California. His job was in Virginia. I was just a convenient inconvenience in the grander scheme of things. Something to keep busy with. Someone to experiment with.
Good things don’t happen to me, as is apparent by my current and previous predicaments. They just don’t .
But despite all of that, I couldn’t stop and pull away even though I should. I couldn’t take his hugs, his kisses, his gazes away from myself. Not now. Not yet.
Not when he was sitting with me for hours on end, waiting for my body to be poisoned in hopes it could be saved.
“Will you sing for me again?” I asked him on Tuesday when I was back at the clinic for my second day of consuming the worst cocktail in the world.
“Of course. Always,” he said and looked up from his phone.
He smiled.
“Okay then. I’m listening.” I leaned back on the chair, shuffled my butt a tad lower, and closed my eyes.
Only the singing never started.
I opened one eye and stared at him.
“What? Here? Now?”
“Why? Are you scared we’ll bother the other patients?”
Dear reader, there are none. Guess I’m the only lucky boy on the island .
Azrael chuckled and licked his lips before setting his phone down, taking my hand in his, and leaning close to it as if wanting to kiss it.
Instead, he opened his mouth and quietly and flawlessly sang “Lover” by Taylor Swift with a voice that was out of this world. A heavenly voice. Like the angel he was.
Oh, Lord. Your boy’s got it bad. Really bad. Which is only going to make the heartbreak all the worse .
And still, I closed my eyes and breathed it all in. Let it seep into my soul because if I was going to die, I might as well allow myself to feel something before I did.
“What?” he asked when he finished, and I was still staring at him, trying to hold back…
I didn’t know what I was trying to hold back. I didn’t know how to describe it. This heavy but equally light feeling that warmed my insides but also scorched them to the core. This feeling that begged to be released, to be shared and nurtured.
“Duke!”
“Huh?” I shook my head, blinking away my messed-up thoughts. It was probably the drugs. They were making me feel weird. Weirder than usual. “Erm, nothing. I…I wouldn’t have pegged you for a Swiftie.”
He raised an eyebrow, smirking. “You mean you wouldn’t have pegged me for a fan of the songstress of our generation? Wow. Do you think so little of me?”
“Songstress? What are you? Eighty?”
“Well, back in my day…” He wagged a finger in the air, doing an impression of a very old person, and I laughed. “Don’t you laugh at me, young man. So disrespectful. The youth these days…”
I laughed and laughed and laughed, that weird feeling from the drugs expanding, growing like its own cancer, taking over my body until it made me dizzy and gasping for air.
“Duke, are you okay? Do you need me to call the nurse?” He laid his hand on my back, and I blinked, trying to see through the lights that had gotten so blinding and attempting to shake my head.
Fucking great. As if I’m not enough of a mess.
Isn’t that sexy? Having your…Azrael watch you unravel like the pathetic person you are .
“I’m fine. I’m…fine,” I said when I’d managed to compose myself.
I lay back on the chair and looked at him through slitted eyes, focusing on his beautiful face. It really had the power to brighten even the darkest corners of my soul.
I don’t deserve him. I really, truly don’t deserve him .
“Talk to me, Duke. What’s going on? What are you feeling?”
Gosh, as if I could put it into words. As if I could explain to anyone, especially him, how lucky and unlucky I felt at the same time. How unfair it was that I met him now of all times. How horrible I felt for feeling this way but not knowing how else to feel.
“Just got a bit lightheaded. That’s all,” I whispered, and he held me, studying me, probably assessing if he needed to call the nurse. “Sing to me again, Azrael. Sing to me, please.”
It was the only way to stop the pain. To stop the torment ripping me up inside. The only way to feel…beautiful and warm for a fleeting moment.
His voice, his words, they put me at ease, they soothed my soul, and without even realizing it, I sank into darkness. A comfortable, cozy kind of darkness that kept me in its bosom for a while.
And then I opened my eyes to find the nurse beside me, unhooking me, talking to me as if I had been listening.
As for Azrael? He was there, resting on the armrest, eyes closed and holding me still.
“He really loves you,” said the nurse.
I scoffed.
“I don’t think so.”
She shrugged and let my shirt drop, taking a step back.
“I just say it as I see it, honey,” she added before leaving me to find my bearings and wake Azrael so we could go back home.
I didn’t. I didn’t wake him at first. I watched him like he had me all week when I’d open my eyes and find him staring at me. He wasn’t real. He couldn’t be. Even touching him, running my hand over his face, stubble, and hair, it didn’t feel like he was a real person, only a figment of my imagination.
I wished he was.
That’s probably crazy talk, but…can you blame me if I don’t want to inflict pain on a real human being ?
I looked at the empty chair opposite me and picture him. My first love.
If you were here, you’d be able to help me make sense of all this. I know you would.
It was as if I could see him there, waving at me, smiling, blowing kisses my way. Drooling over Azrael.
My life has been such a mess since I lost you , I told him.
In a way, I’d stopped living since he died. And now…when I wanted to live more than anything…I couldn’t.
Life sucks.
Then again…so does death.
I didn’t know how much time had passed before he blinked, smiled at me, and yawned.
“I think I fell asleep.” He rubbed his eyes.
“No! What gave you that idea? The fact you slept on my hand, and now I can’t feel my fingers?”
“Awww, I’m sorry.” He immediately took to massaging my palm and kissing my knuckles as if that would bring back the blood flow.
“It’s fine,” I said when I managed to get my head screwed on right. “We should get going. Penny might need help.”
Azrael nodded and helped me to the car before driving us back to the sanctuary, making a pit stop by Carson’s Grill to grab dinner.
We found Penny in the exam room upstairs, examining one of the goats, Steve.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, approaching the table and brushing Steve’s coat.
“Someone’s got a pygmy case of conjunctivitis,” Penny cooed.
“Pen! You know adding pygmy in front of every sentence doesn’t make any sense, right?”
Azrael tutted and also petted Steve.
“I disagree. It makes everything so much cuter!”
Penny laughed, and I rolled my eyes. I wished I hadn’t because I went lightheaded. Again.
“Unfortunately, I gave the last antibiotic cream to Mr. Patel, so we’re out. I was about to call Josie to see if she could lend us some…”
“Nonsense.” I held Steve’s head in place so I could look at his pink eye. The poor thing couldn’t open it fully, and the area around it was gunky as hell. “I’m sure we have more in the storeroom. I’ll go look.”
“I’ll come with you,” Azrael said, appearing immediately by my side.
“I’m okay, Azrael. I’m not a weakling.” Yet. I was starting to feel it, but I wanted to keep some autonomy while I could.
“I know you’re not, but you just had treatment, so I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
I rolled my eyes and went a bit dizzy again, but thankfully, I had Azrael to hold me in place.
I know I sound ungrateful, but I’m really not. I just…I’ve gotten used to not being looked after all these years. It’s so strange being treated like a baby all of a sudden. So…don’t judge me. Or do. I can’t tell you what to do .
“Fine,” I said and turned to Penny. “We’ll be right back. Don’t let the others?—”
“Around him. Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s quarantine for Mr. Man over here.”
We left Penny with Steve, and I walked outside and into the storeroom next to the house with Azrael as my shadow.
“Why did Penny say you don’t have any antibiotics if you’ve got all these boxes of drugs?” he asked as I scanned the labels, trying to find the medicine I was looking for.
“Oh, because, technically, they’re not ours. We order medicine in bulk since we go through so much volume and we distribute it to the rest of the vets on the island. That way, we all save money.”
Azrael nodded and started looking at the labels while keeping close to me.
“Ah, here we go!” I tapped on the box that read Polymyxin B Sulfate, and Azrael helped me free it from under all the boxes on top of it.
I ripped the tape and opened the flaps.
I looked at Azrael and blinked slowly, trying to prevent another dizzy spell from coming on, knowing it was unavoidable.
“Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?” I asked.
Azrael pursed his lips and huffed.
“If what you think you’re seeing is drugs, then yes, yes it is.”
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and looked at the contents of the box.
Yep. Drugs. Not the good kind. Or the good kind, depending on who you asked. It definitely wasn’t Polymyxin B Sulfate.
“What do you think it is?” I asked, lifting a brick.
Azrael took it from my hand and put it back in the box.
“Looks like cocaine. I can’t really tell without opening it. You didn’t know that was here, right?”
I gasped.
“How can you?—”
“I’m not. I’m just…confused.”
“You and me both.”
He closed the box back up and replaced the tape before putting it where we found it.
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know I need to get you out of here now, okay?”
I didn’t get the chance to argue. I didn’t have the energy. It was all spent going through scenarios in my head.
“As if money laundering wasn’t enough,” I mumbled as Azrael took me out of the storeroom and back into the house while on high alert for prying eyes.
“You need to tell me about this bulk order program, but…yeah, it looks like our case went from money laundering to full-on drug trafficking.”
Well, fuck me sideways ’til Thursday morning !