18. Duke
EIGHTEEN
DUKE
“ W ho’s a good girl? Who’s a good girl? You are!” Joey said and scratched Eve’s head with fervor.
Eve, being a whore of a goat, bleated left, right, and center in ecstasy. And Adam, being a whore too, headbutted Joey’s side to get some of his very own attention, and who could blame him? Joey was a sweet piece of hot cheesecake with a heart of gold to match. A month ago, I would have given anything to have him bend me over and claim me. But then again, out of the whole Navy SEAL gang, who wouldn’t I let do that to me?
You would too, trust me. They’re all very fuckable. And I don’t think that just because I’m thirsty.
They were all hot and perfectly unique of their own accord.
But I now had my own SEAL. And he was the best of them all. Which made no sense. How I got so lucky, that was. Or unlucky, depending on who you asked, like Azrael in a month or two when I was long gone.
“Hey, mister! Don’t be jealous of your sister.” He laughed, and both goats bleated at him.
I turned to Rocco, the cocker spaniel surrendered over two years ago and a staple of the sanctuary. He was a good boy, but his aggression and reactivity prevented him from being the perfect pet, and I wouldn’t let just anyone adopt him and give him even more scars than he had already.
I checked his heart rate, teeth, gums, and skin. And once Joey was done devoting himself to my goats—which sounded dirtier than it had any right to—he took Rocco back to the kennels and brought the next patient in.
“How’s Santiago? I haven’t seen him in a while. How are the kitties?” I asked him while checking up on the next dog.
His smile brightened almost instantly. It usually did that when he talked about his boyfriend, which was the darndest thing ever. Not that I was jealous. Not anymore.
“He’s perfect. He’s doing really well. We’re going to Vegas at the end of the month. Just to get away for a bit.”
“Oooh, Vegas, huh? Going gambling or getting hitched?”
Joey laughed.
“Gambling. Just to have fun, you know.”
“Sure. That’s what they all say before coming back married and shit.”
He put his hands up and shook his head.
“Hey, won’t happen with us. I want our wedding to be big and romantic.”
“If you say so.”
“How are things with you? How are you handling the whole drug thing ?” he whispered, looking around us.
I sighed.
“I try not to think about it, to be honest. It was bad enough when I thought it was laundering.”
Joey squeezed my shoulders and the little dog on the table blinked at Joey as if he were God. He probably was for the dog.
“Hey. Whatever it is, we’ll take care of it. We took care of Santi’s problem, and they were trying to kill him, remember?”
I nodded, not because I was reassured but because I wanted to change the subject. I’d nearly chewed through my lips since we’d discovered the drugs two days ago. If we kept talking about it, I’d have no lips left.
How could I have let it get to this? How could I be such a fool? Then again, how could I ever imagine that the program I’d started, the idea I’d had all those years ago when I was trying to save money on medical costs for my animals, would have turned into such a shit show under “Tom Johnson.”
As if I ever fell for that name.
I’m such an idiot.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
And now my animals would pay for that idiocy .
“Thanks, Joey,” I said just to give my lips something else to do—and because he truly was invaluable here with his volunteering. Everyone was.
“Don’t mention it.” He picked up the dog just as Azrael came down the stairs with his trademark smile that I wished I could bottle, but that was just the loon in me talking.
“Lunch is ready,” he said. “Hey, Joey! Have you eaten?”
Joey shook his head, and Azrael invited him upstairs before he turned to me and flashed me his pearly whites. “Don’t be late, mister,” he said and ran up.
I was still watching the empty spot he’d left behind when Joey stepped into my field of vision and raised an eyebrow.
“What?” I asked him.
He narrowed his eyes and leaned in closer.
“Does someone have a little crush on my friend?”
I rolled my eyes and turned away from him.
“Please! Tell me a guy I don’t have a crush on.”
“That may very well be true, but you look different. And he looked at you funny.”
“Yeah, well, I’m such a comedian. How could he not look at me funny.” I shrugged.
Joey scoffed.
“You’re hilarious. Now spill it, mister . What’s going on between you two? Are you doing it?”
I took a deep breath and reluctantly faced him again.
“Sort of.”
“Sort of? What does that mean? Are you not sure? Do you need me to check?” He glanced down at my crotch, and I turned my hips away, laughing.
“I’m fine, thank you. No need to check anything. Where were you when I needed you to check it?”
“I was too busy protecting the love of my life and being faithful to him.”
Love of his life.
Something I would never have again. Partly because my lifeline was running short. And partly…
“Wait a minute! You said where were you when I needed you to check it. Which means you don’t need me anymore. So you are doing it!”
I rolled my eyes and laughed again with a little more intensity than the situation warranted. Was it any surprise when the room started spinning? No. No, it wasn’t.
“Hey! Upsy-daisy. Are you okay? What happened?”
“N-nothing. I’m fine.” I closed my eyes and leaned against him, trying to find my bearings and will the headache away.
“Are you sure? You don’t look so well.” Joey carried me to the nearest chair and after he set me down, disappeared for a moment and returned with a bottle of water. “You look very pale all of a sudden.”
“I’m always pale, Joey. I’m white as a sheet.”
He huffed.
“I’m not joking, Duke. Do I need to call a doctor?”
“No. It’s all good. It’s all under control.”
“I’ll get Azrael then. He’s got some medical experience.”
He started to walk away, and I had no choice but to raise my voice.
“Joey, please don’t!” Joey stopped and looked at me. “Just…please don’t. I’m fine. I promise. If you get him, he’ll make a bigger deal than it is, and I can’t handle that right now!”
Joey returned and went down on his knees, looking into my eyes. His sunny disposition from moments ago was completely gone. There was nothing but concern on his face.
“What’s up, Duke? What are you not telling me?”
I looked behind him and pressed my hand on my temple. The dog I’d just finished examining was chasing Adam and Eve around the room, making more noise than my headache could take.
“It’s not?—”
“I swear to God, if you tell me it’s nothing again, I’m going to smack your ass, and I don’t care if you’re not feeling well.”
“Promises, promises,” I mumbled.
“Duke!”
“I’ve got cancer, okay?” Why was this always happening? Why did I keep blurting it out in times like this? This was exactly how I’d told Azrael because he kept pushing, and instead of holding my ground, I just let out the secret like vomit.
“What?”
“I had it before when I was a teenager, and now it’s back, and the chemo is weakening my body. Okay?”
Joey watched me for long, quiet moments before he wrapped his arms around me and held me.
“You’re going to be okay, you hear me?” he said.
I shrugged. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. And you will be, or so help me God, I’m gonna go downstairs and drag you back up here myself.”
“Downstairs?”
“Yeah. I mean, you have cancer, but you’re still going to hell.”
“Excuse me?” I chuckled.
“Oh please. You’re a thirsty motherfucker with an even dirtier mind. You think you’ll go to heaven?”
“Hey! I’m a taken man now.”
“Are you? I thought you weren’t sure.”
“That’s fair.” I sighed. “I’m…not. Not really.”
“Do I need to kick Azrael’s ass? You say it, and it’s done.”
I shook my head.
“It’s not him. It’s me. I…I’m the one holding back.”
“Is it the drugs?”
“No. I mean, yeah, partially, but mainly…not.”
Joey sighed.
“I don’t understand. Why would you have that man and not get down and dirty with him? I mean, as far as I knew, he was straight and now, suddenly, interested in you. That’s like every gay man’s fantasy.”
“Because,” I said, “it’s not going to be nice when he loses me. I know you’ll say I’ll make it through and all, but what if I don’t? What if this time it gets me? What happens to Azrael then? If I let him in, there’s a higher chance he’ll care about me. A higher chance he might even…fall for me. And then he’ll have to deal with losing me. I guess I’m just…trying to mitigate the heartbreak.”
“Oh, Duke, Duke, Duke. You’re not mitigating anything. You think sex is what it takes to fall for someone? I was in love with Santi from the moment he pepper-sprayed me. I didn’t need to see him naked to feel that way. I just knew he was it for me. I was his forever after. So you’re not mitigating anything.”
I shrugged.
“Not everyone falls in love so easily.”
“It sounds to me like you’re trying to keep him at arm’s length.”
“Well, yeah, I am. Why would I let him get close to a dying man?”
“Duke! For fuck’s sake! You’re not dead yet. Stop acting like your destiny has been written already.”
“I’m not…I just know what it’s like to lose someone you love. I know it all too well. I can’t put him through that.”
Joey sat on the floor and took my hands in his.
“Sweetheart, you can’t make that decision for him. He has the right to choose.”
“But—”
“He has a right to choose. And if he chooses to be by your side at what could be the worst time of your life, then you can’t stop him.”
“And put him through all this sickness and death before we’ve even gotten to know each other? That’s so unfair to him.”
He went quiet and looked at the floor. Because I was right. I knew I was right. I didn’t need validation, but it was good to have it.
“Let me ask you something,” he said after a moment. “This person you lost?”
“What about them?”
“If you could turn back time, if you could make it so that you had a choice, would you choose not to have met them so you wouldn’t feel the heartache after their passing?”
A knot formed in my throat, threatening to steal my breath away, to choke me.
“No!” I said, tears streaming down my face before I could control them. “He was…he was a beautiful person. He made my life so much better for having known him. He was my friend. He was the person who showed me what it’s like to love and be loved.”
Joey’s eyes glistened in the bright lights, and I felt guilty for making him sad.
“See? You wouldn’t. And if you wouldn’t choose differently, why would you take that choice from Azrael? What if he was meant to meet you to experience that same love your guy showed you?”
“Oh,” was all I managed to say.
I never thought of it that way.
“There’s your answer,” he said.
He was right.
I’d been looking at this all wrong. I didn’t like the idea of hurting Azrael, but…it wasn’t my choice, right? Because had I been given the choice, I would have fallen in love and lost him all over again, even if his loss left scars in me I hadn’t healed from yet.
I knew what I had to do now.
As soon as I finished work, I retreated to my bedroom to shower and freshen up before I joined Azrael in the living room for movie night. Every night had been movie night since we started doing…whatever we were doing.
“What do you think? Guardians of the Galaxy or Shang Chi ?” he asked as I settled next to him.
“Actually, there’s a twentieth-anniversary special of Cursed Hearts . I loved that show when I was growing up,” I said.
“We can watch that. I don’t mind. My brother was obsessed, so I know a little about it.”
“Are you telling me you’re not a hardcore Waleb fan? I want a divorce.”
Azrael chuckled and put his arm around me, pressing me close to him. I breathed in his musky, spiced scent.
Come on, Duke. You can do this .
“What is it on?” he asked, throwing the remote in the air and catching it right side up like a pro juggler.
“Popflix,” I said. “But…”
“What?” He sat up and looked at me with concern in his eyes. “Are you okay? Do you need painkillers or weed?”
“No. I’m fine,” I said. “I just…I thought maybe we could do…more tonight.”
He stared at me for a moment, and I could tell my suggestion hadn’t registered.
“Do it. I mean, do it. If you want. No pressure. I know you’ve not done it with a guy before, but?—”
“Oh! Do that!” His expression softened, his smile deepened, and he leaned in, trapping my lips with his.
But just as I braced myself for him to pull away, he didn’t. He used his tongue to pry my mouth open. To taste me and take my breath away.
My body warmed in seconds under his guidance, and my breathing slowed before he pulled away and cupped my cheek.
“Are you sure?” he asked me.
“I…I’m sure. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“The drugs. I might not be able to…perform, but I want to try.”
His thumb rubbed across my cheek over and over, causing a ripple effect through my face and the rest of my body, the goosebumps spreading through me like wildfire.
“We don’t have to do this. We can wait. I don’t?—”
“I want to do this. If you do, that is. I don’t want to chicken out again.”
“Okay.” He nodded and stood, offering me his hand.
I took it, and he guided me through the living room, the hallway, and up the stairs, all the way to his room.
Just before he closed the door, he picked up the dog beds from the floor and put them out in the hall, getting our stalker pack behind us to each lie in their own bed before retreating into the room, just the two of us.
“I thought we’d keep this between us for our first time,” he said, and I laughed.
“Good idea. I don’t need Clover telling on us.”
“Right. Here. Lie down.” He helped me onto the bed and smiled. “I’m prepared for this.”
“You are?”
Instead of answering, he opened his bedside drawer and started taking out bottles and bottles of what could only be lube, boxes of condoms, and even a cute little vibrAnakr.
“What is all this?”
“I told you. I’m prepared.”
I eyed the bottles of lube.
“For an orgy?”
“I didn’t know how much we’d need.”
I laughed. “I would hope not that much.”
“Better to have it and not need it?—”
I kissed him again. I kissed him before I lost my nerve and crumbled under the pressure. He deepened the kiss immediately and climbed onto the bed, towering over me before settling right next to me.
“You’re such a good kisser,” he groaned and stroked my face and hair, staring at me like I was his most prized possession. And to be honest, that didn’t sound so bad to me.
“If you say so,” I mumbled.
There was only one other person I’d ever kissed, so I wasn’t exactly in a position to compare.
“You are,” he said. “And all I want to do all day is kiss you. Like this.”
He stared at my lips, his breath blowing scorching hot against my face and making time slow almost to a halt. Especially when his hand traveled south and took hold of my shirt. He peeled it off me before he did the same with his and threw them together on the floor.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.
He made snakes across my chest and stomach with his fingers, tracing, leaving goosebumps everywhere he touched.
“I’m not, but thank you.”
He stopped and rested his hand on my chest, over my heart.
“Well, you are to me, so shut up and take the compliment, Duke Allen!”
“Are you seriously full-naming right now?”
“Why? Does it turn you off?”
I barely managed to move my head an inch in denial when he kissed me again, only this time he didn’t stay at my lips. He moved down to my jaw to my neck while his fingers got back to work tracing his desire on my skin like a tattoo only I could see.
When he got to my collarbone, his kisses turned to soft butterflies hopping from place to place. One on the left, another a little down from that, one in the middle on my sternum. A couple around my nipples. He didn’t stop. Not even when he reached my belly, and I groaned so loud I was sure the whole sanctuary would wake up and howl.
I’d never been touched like that before. Never been looked after like that before. I’d only ever had chaste kisses and hugs between treatments or during them. Which was probably right since I was only sixteen when I met him .
But this?
This was different. This was grown-up stuff. This was…becoming a man.
He fiddled with the buttons on my jeans, but I didn’t need to feel him on me to get hard. I already was, which I was pretty sure was a miracle considering how much crap was swirling in my bloodstream after three days of chemo.
He slid my jeans down and removed his. I loved that he kept each step on equal footing. That he gave as much as he took. That he…
Oh God!
His fingers slipped around the elastic of my boxer shorts and if I thought I knew what goosebumps were before, I was clearly mistaken. It felt as if someone took lava and poured it over wherever he touched as he took my underwear off and grabbed my cock.
“Well, well, well. Hello, Mr. Tiny Allen. I missed you,” he said, and I held my breath for a moment.
“Hey! Who are you calling tiny?”
Azrael smiled, opened his mouth, and did the disappearing act with my crown like a skilled magician.
I know. I know. I should stop making jokes right now, but excuse me. My whole body is getting decimated here. I need to distract myself somehow if I’m going to avoid the way our first time went .
I fisted the sheet on my sides with both hands and took long, deep breaths as Azrael reacquainted himself with my length. Even if I wanted to, there wasn’t much else I could do. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even think. All I could do was watch him take me, play with me, savor me, and pray to his God that I could last long enough to fully enjoy this.
I want to lose my virginity, dammit .
It was captivating to watch him. He was so good at it, like he’d been doing it all his life. Yet I was his very first man.
Maybe he lied to me. Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe that was what he said to all the boys to make them feel like this kind of heaven was reserved just for them.
And you know what? I wouldn’t care if he did .
Because this felt good. Gooder than good.
When the heat grew almost intolerable, I managed to speak.
“Okay. My turn now,” I croaked. “I want to make your dick disappear with my mouth too.”
“What?” Azrael frowned before smirking and sitting up on the bed, chuckling.
He made short work of his underwear, and something long, thick, and very, very hard bounced in front of him.
“Mama mia!”
“How can you resist me?” he sang.
“I’ll say.”
Azrael lay beside me and smirked as I copied his moves from before to a T . Tasting his lips, then his jaw, then his neck. But when it got to the rest of his body, I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t just give him chaste kisses on my journey to bliss. So, I used my tongue instead.
“Fuu—” Azrael groaned but stopped himself before he cursed, and I rolled my eyes. If you couldn’t swear when you were having sex, then when could you?
The more time I dedicated to his manly, hairy body, the more his hard cock prodded at me, but I tried to ignore it. I needed to ignore it until I could build up the nerve to get to it because as much as I wanted it, I was scared of its size. I was scared of screwing it up. But when I did get to it, it was like my prize for a job well done. It even winked at me.
God. Focus, Duke. Don’t make jokes now .
I took a deep breath, opened my mouth, and lashed my tongue across his wet slit.
I almost felt the room spin again. He tasted so good. Sweet and manly. I wrapped my hand around him, and I thought I could feel the blood pumping through his veins, making him even warmer, hot like a rod dipped in fire. I pumped him a few times, and then…
Filled my mouth with him. All of him. As much as I could take, which wasn’t a lot, but it was divine. It was perfection. It was Azrael.
He groaned and writhed under my rule, and for the first time, probably ever, I felt powerful. Like I wasn’t just a weakling, a pathetic excuse for a man. I felt…all grown up.
“Don’t stop, Duke. Ngh, please don’t stop.”
And I didn’t. I went on and on, feeling more and more confident as if his precum were a magic potion, the liquid courage I’d always needed but never had. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted all of it. Every single part. I let go of him with a pop and reached for the condoms and lube.
“What are you doing?” he asked as I took out a packet and ripped it open.
“Doing the laundry,” I answered him. “What does it look like I’m doing? I want you to fuck me, Azrael. Now. Like right now.”
“Are you?—”
“Yes! Yes, Azrael. I am. I’ve been ready since I was sixteen, but I never got the chance to do it. I’ve been ready since I met you. I want you in me.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Okay, Duke.”
He smiled, and I smiled back.
It was time I earned my badge as a slut. A proper one this time.
I slipped the condom on him, pumped copious amounts of lube on him, and tried to sit on him before he stopped me and turned me around so I could lie back.
“I heard it’s easier this way,” he said, spreading my legs and slipping his cold, wet fingers inside me.
I swallowed knot after knot, lump after lump, as he worked me open, stretching me digit by digit before he pressed his cock against my muscle and all thought and reason left my body in pain. The kind of pain that welcomed me into the men’s club. Officially.
I breathed in and out, slowly, deeply, embracing the pain until it was replaced by pleasure. By heat. By passion.
He felt so good inside me. He was big, no doubt about that. Probably too big for one’s first time, but I didn’t care. He fit inside me like one puzzle piece to another, and I loved every minute.
He towered over me, one arm on each side of my head, and rested his forehead on mine, gazing into my eyes, inhaling and exhaling as sweat beaded around his face.
“You feel so good, baby. So…good,” he said.
I wanted to speak, to reassure him he felt good too, but I couldn’t anymore. All I could do was moan and gasp.
“I don’t think I’m going to last,” he said.
“It’s okay,” I said when I found my voice. “I won’t last long either.”
As if to prove a point, I gave my cock a couple of quick strokes and felt the pull of my orgasm clawing at me.
“Fuck!” he shouted, watching me as I painted my stomach milky white, and he closed the gap between us, kissing me messily, roughly, but it was so sexy, I didn’t care.
A rumble built inside him, growing stronger and stronger, reverberating through me, and I clenched my hole as we reached a crescendo, together, that erupted within me and made me irrevocably his. The expression on his face was a picture of a thousand words, poems of love and passion I never thought I’d read on another man’s face. He might have been the one to come but I was the one undone.
His fingers grazed my face delicately as his breathing slowed and his eyes softened.
“Oh my goodness. That was…” he panted.
“It was,” I whispered and cupped his face.
He pulled out, and we both moaned again, but he lay back and looked at me.
“Was it good for you?” he asked.
“It was. It was better than I ever expected.”
“Good,” he said, encasing me in his arms. “That’s good. I’m happy.”
“Me too.” I cozied up against him and enjoyed the secret between us. The secret of what we’d just done. What we’d shared.
Something had changed. I had changed. I was different. I was…well, not a virgin anymore. But it felt like more than that. It felt like we’d shared something holy and sacred and heck, I wasn’t even religious.
“We’re definitely doing that again,” I mumbled and looked up at the ceiling as if he could see me.
I hope you’re proud of me. I did it. I finally did it. I’m sorry you didn’t get to be my first but…I did it.
“Sure,” Azrael said. “Just give me half an hour.”
I chuckled.
“I’ll give you—” I started when a noise cut through the serenity of the bedroom.
A ringtone.
Azrael sat up and reached across the bed for his phone before he slid his finger across the screen to answer the call.
“Speaking,” he answered, a muffled voice I was sure had repeated his name.
I closed my eyes and tuned him out, focusing on the sensation in my body. My non-virgin body.
What the hell had I waited so long for? To do that?
Then again, had it been any other guy, it might not have been as good. As precious.
“What?” Azrael shouted, and I opened my eyes.
“What’s going on?” I whispered.
“You must be mistaken. There’s…I don’t have a…” He ignored me.
Something must be seriously wrong if his smile was completely erased from his face, which it was.
“Oh…okay. Please do. Yeah…thank you.” He hung up but stayed in the same position, as if frozen in time.
“Azrael? What happened? Is everything okay?” I rubbed his back and searched his eyes for an answer.
“I…” he said after a few seconds. “That was the…the police. They said I have…I have a son.”